Dr. Eve Wood is a practicing psychiatrist and an author of motivational books such as There’s Always Help; There’s Always Hope and 10 Steps to Take Charge of Your Emotional Life. Her motto is, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” Now she’s written a new book that she wished was available when her own life fell apart: The Gift of Betrayal—How to Heal Your Life When Your World Explodes, available in the Lovefraud Store.
Dr. Wood’s husband of 27 years betrayed her. For legal reasons, she doesn’t tell exactly what he did, except to say the magnitude of the betrayal was truly shocking and she could have died. Reading through the lines, it sounds like she was involved with a sociopath, and we all know what that’s like.
So what was she to do? Dr. Wood believes what she wrote in her other books, and decided that she wanted to heal, move forward and build a new life. She writes:
“You have a choice. You can see this betrayal as a curse or a blessing. You can make it about him, or you can make it about you. You can be the victim, or you can take charge. You can grow or shrink. You can heal your life or shrivel up and die. You can choose light, joy and love ”¦ or remain bitter and alone.”
The process was painful, and it took time. She didn’t start out trying to forgive her husband. Dr. Wood writes:
“Most books about betrayal focus on forgiveness, on forgiving the offender and yourself. But I think the attention of forgiving is misguided. When you’ve been burned, you need to treat your wound. You must figure out how you got scorched in the first place and learn to heal.”
The book is divided into 14 chapters, which Dr. Wood calls “lessons.” They are:
- What is betrayal, how does it feel, and where can it take you?
- You have a choice: Do you seize your power or become a victim?
- Could you have been married to (or involved with) a sociopath?
- How did you get here, and what are you meant to learn from this?
- What is the role of forgiveness in healing?
- Trust in your ability to create your heart’s desire
- Take action to create the life you really want
- Slow down: Examine and honor all your involvements
- Take risks, try new things ”¦ and pay attention to how you feel
- Let your female friends help you
- Learn what men have to offer and what they cannot do for you
- Invite joy, pleasure and passion into your life
- Stay present to the gift of the moment
- Celebrate you newfound freedom, fulfillment and fabulous good fortune
This book is written for women who have been betrayed by men. Dr. Wood specifically emphasizes that if the man was a sociopath, the only way to heal is to leave the relationship. She states that sociopaths destroy people. However, she doesn’t talk about how to recover from severe psychological issues that may result from these relationships, such as post-traumatic stress disorder.
This book is for the woman who has processed the shock of the betrayal by the sociopath and is ready, however shakily, to rebuild her life. The Gift of Betrayal provides a roadmap for doing it.
The Gift of Betrayal—How to Heal Your Life When Your World Explodes
Ox Drover
SORRY: It poisted before I was done!
Rune, if you are going to “talk about” Nic, and say “I told her so” do it to her face and say “I told YOU so” BOINK!
Really, though, Nic, any “favors” or “gifts” they do for us are always a down payument on control. they will extract a PRICE, maybe not in money though.
I HAVE A WORKING AC, but I will NOT be turning it on this summer because i am too broke to pay the increased bill. I know I could call my egg donor and she would GLADLY give the money to me, but at WHAT PRICE? I would actually rather live in a tent and eat out of a McDonald’s dumpster before asking her for a CENT even though she has plenty, after the horrible things she has done to me and the way she devalued me and discarded me when she thought she had others who would dance to her tune.
Maybe I am being “foolishly prideful” as she says, but no way I would take a “favor” from a person who has abused me.
I know it is tough being a single parent (been there) and it is miserable around toddlers and teenagers sometimes and you have one of each. (((Hug Nic))))
Anyway, you guys say “Ten Hail LoveFraud’s” and “sin no more” (((((hugs))))) and always my prayers!
Rune
Nic: You may think I’m being mean, but I have been in your shoes, except I didn’t have a whole Lovefraud crowd helping me figure things out. I didn’t know what a psychopath was, even though I was married to one long ago, and dated one recently.
I have also been in the place of being “the girlfriend” of the father who is like your P. I was in the car when the P was driving 100 mph down the freeway, laughing as his daughters jumped up and down over the seats in the car. It didn’t matter what I said — in fact the more I demanded that he tell the girls to sit down, the more he laughed and the faster he drove.
We become CRAZY as we start to think that they are, after all, “normal” and can be trusted to do responsible things. They are not trustworthy. The fact that this guy has a child with his mistress should be enough of a sign!
I know you get tired and you want some “time off” from the parenting, but, Nic, the price tag is way, way too high. If you could see what I’ve seen, you would know. I tell you this from my heart.
Rune
Ox-Drover: Watch it with that skillet! I was hoping that if Nic couldn’t hear it from me, maybe she would hear the truth from someone else.
It’s hard work, caring for others, even in our positions of posting here on Lovefraud.
I am so afraid that the next stories Nic will tell will be about hurt and pain and loss that could have been prevented, if she had believed us. Yes, we have to make our own mistakes and learn from them, but our stories here on Lovefraud are ALL about dangerous crazy people. When we think we can trust them, even for a weekend, with our precious children — if we have a choice NOT to . . . — we’re just fooling ourselves.
I understand Tilly wanting to step away, but I also know that it’s because she cares.
Ox Drover
It took me a long time to realize that those people who wanted to “give me things” sometimes had MOTIVES other than LOVE for me.
Then I began to realize that they would go back and demand that I do X, Y or Z, and when I didn’t want to it was “And AFTER ALL I have DONE for you!” Of course they never remember what YOU did for THEM, or anything else, just that they thought they “bought” CONTROL over you with their “gifts.”
My egg donor was actually “offended” the last time she offered me money and I refused. She looked at me “oddly” and said “You wouldn’t take it if you needed it, would you?” I repliled, “Nope, I wouldn’t.” Then, later, of course, she ACCUSED me of trying to TAKE her money. ROTFLMAO
She was shocked too when she had given money to the Ps and they didn’t DO WHAT SHE WANTED THEM TOO—-and I had to laugh when she was so amazed that they did such bad things (steal $24,000 and try to kill her grandson) because (as she said) “THEY WERE ALWAYS SO RESPECTFUL TO ME.”
Yea, right, did she think they were going to get control of her money by calling her an “old bat” to her face? You get more bees with honey than vinegar! Of course they were “respectful” so they could get access to her checking account! I’m the one that got frustrated and called her an “old bat” when she was pouring money to them! LOL
I’ve always supported myself, and will live within my means, not taking “gifts” of support from anyone. Not taking ANY favors from anyone who has ever abused me….those people cannot be trusted, Rune, you are right on that score.
I’ve made lots of bad judgments, and done stupid things because i TRUSTEd the people who abused me, wanted to trust them, but “once burned, twice shy!” I’ll paddle my own canoe from now on. I was a grown woman before I ever had air conditioning, and I think I can survive another summer without turning mine on rather than take anything from people who don’t love and respect me. I’m not selling my self determination to ANYONE for any amount of money.
nic
Rune and Ox: You both are so right as usual. But I will never start to think he is “normal”. He is emotionless whenever I talk to him about the baby, etc. But I can’t do anything about him seeing her because it is a court order.
Rune: Did we date the same person??? When I first started dating him (before we had kids) he would drive crazy and laugh. My daughter would call and tell my mother but I would defend him. My daughter knew everything that was going on with him but I was the blind one. I would always defend his crazy actions. BUT NO MORE. I AM SO DONE WITH HIM. I can’t wait until the divorce is final. We can throw a cyber party.
The one thing I don’t agree with is that it gets extremely hot in our rooms and a fan won’t just do. The baby has asthma and I can’t risk her getting sick or us either for that matter so I had to have him put them in and I don’t have any regrets about it.
I hope you guys can continue to help me because that is what I thought lovefraud was all about. I don’t need anyone to pass judgement on me because I am much further emotionally then I was 2 years ago. I am proud of where I am at now but I know I have a long way to go but I will get there.
Have a good holiday everyone.
Ox Drover
Dear Nic,
Sweetie, I may bash and BOINK you with the skillet, but I will never JUDGE YOU! I do understand about the asthma for the baby, and I will give you a pass on the AC for that one for SURE! And, she IS his kid too so he is responsible for her health as well…
Yes, we will THROW A PARTY when the divorce is final!!!! TOWANDA!!!!
And yes, Nic, you are SOOOO BETTER!!!!! And I am sooooo GLAD!!!! Love Oxy
Rune
Nic: Big hugs to you. I’m glad you stepped up to say hello, and — I don’t think we dated the same guy, but I’m starting to suspect that there’s more CLONING out there than anyone thought! (LOL!)
I know the challenge of trying to juggle all the issues and make the best decisions, especially with limited money. I understand the air conditioner thing — and you can choose to not buy into any manipulations that he might try to play around that.
But I still worry about your little one traveling with him or spending time with him. If he “forgets” or gets bored with picking her up, I strongly encourage you to just let it go, and let him fade away. If you aren’t getting in the way of his visitation, at least you don’t have to encourage it!
And, if you have a little time to yourself, I encourage you to use it to rest, relax alone, and meditate — inviting in the highest and best solutions to this situation for you and your daughters — the little and the big. Hugs.
sotired
no contact is the only way to move forward with my life. it is difficult and he owes me money i will never see. in the last year i have had contact with him maybe 7 or 8 times. everything he talks about is a lie. i quit answering the phone.
Ox Drover
Dear Sotired,
You are SO RIGHT as well! NC is the only way that we can “win” against them. It is an ACTIVE thing though it seems passive, but we must stand like defenders of our castle, and keep the walls high, and keep them from breaking in, keep their sieige towers from over powering us.
It drives them bonkers too, to not be able to get a response. to knock on our “doors” and no answer.
The money you lost is “tuition” in the School of Hard Lessons but you got the lessons so whatever it cost in terms of money, in the end, I think you will find it was “cheap” at twice the price! Glad you are here, this is a good place to be to heal.
God bless.
geminigirl
I know Ill never see the $10,000 I gave or lent to my P daughter,but as you say, its cheap at half the price to be rid of her! I see now that all I was doing was preventing her from hitting her rock bottom sooner. Now that Ive stopped baling her out, and falling for her tears, crocodile or otherwise, on the phone, she has lost her flat{condo] for which she was paying A$540 a weekrent,, as she lost her full time job, one of many as she either falls out with her boss, flounces out, or gets fired. her ex hubby now has FT custody of the 3 lovely kids, and he is MUCH the better parent so Im so relieved they dont have to jump between Dads and Mums place each week.
She has thrown away her home, her nice husband, her kids, her Mum, countless good jobs, good friends, her car, her credit rating, she is now 45, what is to become of her? she has done ALL THIS TO HERSELF!! And she still thinks she is superior,, entitled,being!{NOT!!}} Love,Gem.XX