Dr. Eve Wood is a practicing psychiatrist and an author of motivational books such as There’s Always Help; There’s Always Hope and 10 Steps to Take Charge of Your Emotional Life. Her motto is, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” Now she’s written a new book that she wished was available when her own life fell apart: The Gift of Betrayal—How to Heal Your Life When Your World Explodes, available in the Lovefraud Store.
Dr. Wood’s husband of 27 years betrayed her. For legal reasons, she doesn’t tell exactly what he did, except to say the magnitude of the betrayal was truly shocking and she could have died. Reading through the lines, it sounds like she was involved with a sociopath, and we all know what that’s like.
So what was she to do? Dr. Wood believes what she wrote in her other books, and decided that she wanted to heal, move forward and build a new life. She writes:
“You have a choice. You can see this betrayal as a curse or a blessing. You can make it about him, or you can make it about you. You can be the victim, or you can take charge. You can grow or shrink. You can heal your life or shrivel up and die. You can choose light, joy and love ”¦ or remain bitter and alone.”
The process was painful, and it took time. She didn’t start out trying to forgive her husband. Dr. Wood writes:
“Most books about betrayal focus on forgiveness, on forgiving the offender and yourself. But I think the attention of forgiving is misguided. When you’ve been burned, you need to treat your wound. You must figure out how you got scorched in the first place and learn to heal.”
The book is divided into 14 chapters, which Dr. Wood calls “lessons.” They are:
- What is betrayal, how does it feel, and where can it take you?
- You have a choice: Do you seize your power or become a victim?
- Could you have been married to (or involved with) a sociopath?
- How did you get here, and what are you meant to learn from this?
- What is the role of forgiveness in healing?
- Trust in your ability to create your heart’s desire
- Take action to create the life you really want
- Slow down: Examine and honor all your involvements
- Take risks, try new things ”¦ and pay attention to how you feel
- Let your female friends help you
- Learn what men have to offer and what they cannot do for you
- Invite joy, pleasure and passion into your life
- Stay present to the gift of the moment
- Celebrate you newfound freedom, fulfillment and fabulous good fortune
This book is written for women who have been betrayed by men. Dr. Wood specifically emphasizes that if the man was a sociopath, the only way to heal is to leave the relationship. She states that sociopaths destroy people. However, she doesn’t talk about how to recover from severe psychological issues that may result from these relationships, such as post-traumatic stress disorder.
This book is for the woman who has processed the shock of the betrayal by the sociopath and is ready, however shakily, to rebuild her life. The Gift of Betrayal provides a roadmap for doing it.
The Gift of Betrayal—How to Heal Your Life When Your World Explodes
lookingup:
You are in a really tough spot right now.
I make it sound simple in my above post, but this was an 8-9 year ordeal that I was involved in.
I tried to get out many times, but allowed him to pull me back in every time. It is a vicious cycle.
All I can tell you is that you will reach a point where the voice inside of you will scream “ENOUGH”!
yes it is very hard right now. He claims he is dying. Not sure if its true. Although he never took money from me…more so paid things for me..such as bills and such cause he knows I’m struggling with being a single mother…but I do know of someone (one of the girls he cheated on me with) he “borrowed” $2,000 from her and never paid it back. I just want out. WHY DO I ALLOW THE GUILT TO BRING ME BACK IN…I dont think its even love anymore…to much has happened and I honestly dont trust a word he says
My heart is litterley (spelling) pounding out my chest talking about this and when he calls when I feel this way…other times he has me in his web and I think all is okay… UGH
looking up:
“He claims he is dying.” Not sure if its true.
Any odds you want to give on that being a lie, I’ll cover. He’s running the pity play on you.
A good starting spot for considering the truth and validity of that statement is to look at his current behavior. Any evidence of him trying to make things right with the world? Settling his affairs (financial, not sexual)? Trying to set things right with those he’s hurt?
I suspect the answer to those questions is NO. Which leads us to the pity play.
Among the various things my S trotted out as part of the “pity play” was he was going to end up having a stroke like his now brain-dead mother dead as a result of his high blood pressure. Yes, S was being treated for high blood pressure. And no, that fat fuck didn’t do a damned thing to try to get his blood pressure under control.
I now see that this statement was purely designed to get my pity so I would become Florence Nightingale on steriods — and pump out even more money, caring, love, etc. And of course, the pity play was also run every time he suspected that I had had a bellyful of his antics and was getting ready to walk.
Looking Up,
What you are experiencing is normal with people who have been involved with sociopaths. That’s because you are normal.
In a normal relationship, a bond forms between the two people. The bonding process involves both psychology and the chemicals in our brains. Nature made it so that this bond is difficult to break — essentially to keep parents around to raise children. So even when you know that you should dump the guy, the bond –chemical and psychological — still exists.
Much like recovering from an addiction, you need to take it one day at a time and to overcome the bond with your willpower. The best way to do it is to have no contact with the person. The more time and distance you can put between yourself and this person, be more confident you’ll be in your decision to leave. Any time you have contact with the person again, it stirs up all the psychology and chemicals, and you essentially have to start over.
Sociopaths take advantage of natural psychological processes. And they lie to do it. I’d be surprised if he is actually dying.
actually yes…he said that he is trying to apologize to those he hurt…but he called another girl he was cheating on me with and while the apology was going thru he tried to have her believe no one cared about him and such..he claims he has but out a life insurance for my son and I to get money when it does happen. but ofcourse he doesnt want me to tell anyone about this. He wants to make sure he is the one that does it. wow and ofcourse this did all come to play when i was at that point of having enough…neither me nor the other girl he called would talk to him so this dying came about. He has kidney troubles…now may have cancer in one.
LookingUp:
I totally relate to what you are saying. I have been there.
Mine never took money from me, either. Not all of them will take $$ from you.
But, be careful, because it sounds like yours took $2000 from another girl.
He is using the “pity play” (which is an appeal to your sympathies) to pull you back in.
Mine used his kids from a previous marraige to appeal to my sympathies.
And I fell for it hook, line, & sinker.
It sounds like yours is also using kids and illness to keep you coming back.
Sympathy, guilt, and even abuse (when they have chipped away enough of your self-esteem) is what they will use to keep you coming back.
Looking up…
“I like Rosa’s theory just leave them high and dry”but then I get the voice mails of abusive comments and such”
Dont listen to the voicemails. Start on a small scale making promises to yourself of the things you can do to limit the influx of his ways. Make things your way now, with a sense of “this is right for me, this is whats best for me”…Ive given him my best…and he took advantage and lied and cheated…no more of me selling myself short…Time to take care of and worry about me now…
When he calls HAVE YOU EVER SAID ” Hey cant talk right now” or have you EVER just not picked up and NOT listen to his voicemails? Try it…its EMPOWERING!
Does he have a family member to verify his “health concerns”….do you know his Dr….I cant tell you how many have posted their ex was “on deaths door” and then they come to find out it wasnt true AT ALL. Yes on a few rare instance their ex has been diagnosed with cancer, etc…but it still was no reason to fall back into that vicious cycle with them…
If you find your heart pounding of your chest…its saying…stop…change direction…this person is not good for you. The goal is to not get caught up in the “other times he has you in his web” the goal is to pull away and never allow him the opportunity to lure you back with words…
you wont have as much guilt if you can wind down the amount of influence he has on you.. the amount of floor time he gets to say abusive things to make you feel guilty. Remove him from the stage….and start to work on being strong with him gone. And remind him we all are dying….in so much as each day is precious to us and closer to our last…and that was of no concern to him nor were you when he was off prancing around with other women and taking their money. Tell him he better pay back that woman before he dies…sorry…these selfish guys are irking me today….
Looking up….
Good news for you ! A person can live without one of thier kidneys!!!!
LookingUP:
They are masters at sprinkling just enough truth into their outrageous lies, so they will be believed.
These are con-artists, after all.