Dr. Eve Wood is a practicing psychiatrist and an author of motivational books such as There’s Always Help; There’s Always Hope and 10 Steps to Take Charge of Your Emotional Life. Her motto is, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” Now she’s written a new book that she wished was available when her own life fell apart: The Gift of Betrayal—How to Heal Your Life When Your World Explodes, available in the Lovefraud Store.
Dr. Wood’s husband of 27 years betrayed her. For legal reasons, she doesn’t tell exactly what he did, except to say the magnitude of the betrayal was truly shocking and she could have died. Reading through the lines, it sounds like she was involved with a sociopath, and we all know what that’s like.
So what was she to do? Dr. Wood believes what she wrote in her other books, and decided that she wanted to heal, move forward and build a new life. She writes:
“You have a choice. You can see this betrayal as a curse or a blessing. You can make it about him, or you can make it about you. You can be the victim, or you can take charge. You can grow or shrink. You can heal your life or shrivel up and die. You can choose light, joy and love ”¦ or remain bitter and alone.”
The process was painful, and it took time. She didn’t start out trying to forgive her husband. Dr. Wood writes:
“Most books about betrayal focus on forgiveness, on forgiving the offender and yourself. But I think the attention of forgiving is misguided. When you’ve been burned, you need to treat your wound. You must figure out how you got scorched in the first place and learn to heal.”
The book is divided into 14 chapters, which Dr. Wood calls “lessons.” They are:
- What is betrayal, how does it feel, and where can it take you?
- You have a choice: Do you seize your power or become a victim?
- Could you have been married to (or involved with) a sociopath?
- How did you get here, and what are you meant to learn from this?
- What is the role of forgiveness in healing?
- Trust in your ability to create your heart’s desire
- Take action to create the life you really want
- Slow down: Examine and honor all your involvements
- Take risks, try new things ”¦ and pay attention to how you feel
- Let your female friends help you
- Learn what men have to offer and what they cannot do for you
- Invite joy, pleasure and passion into your life
- Stay present to the gift of the moment
- Celebrate you newfound freedom, fulfillment and fabulous good fortune
This book is written for women who have been betrayed by men. Dr. Wood specifically emphasizes that if the man was a sociopath, the only way to heal is to leave the relationship. She states that sociopaths destroy people. However, she doesn’t talk about how to recover from severe psychological issues that may result from these relationships, such as post-traumatic stress disorder.
This book is for the woman who has processed the shock of the betrayal by the sociopath and is ready, however shakily, to rebuild her life. The Gift of Betrayal provides a roadmap for doing it.
The Gift of Betrayal—How to Heal Your Life When Your World Explodes
Well back when I could get into his voice mail (he changed the passcode) I called on of them and they had a relationship for the past 6months until i found out. He promised her all the same crap, wanted a family with her, was going to transfer out there to her and so forth…even gave her the same line when they met about how he hadnt dated for almost a yr n a half til he met her and so forth…i guess he forgot about our relationship.
But even though the money is nice…I would rather struggle harder then to be confused all the time and upset all the time. I mean my son has to see me cry and I am easily angered with him (he is a teenager) but would prob be more patient if i wasnt dealing with the s. Besides…in all honesty…if i needed something in the “needs” department..my mother would help out. We would not starve or be out on the streets.
So, the one on the voice mail that you called, that relationship is over?
But, you think there are more? (There probaby is if he changed the passcode)
“But even though the money is nice…I would rather struggle harder then to be confused all the time and upset all the time.” (Did you tell him this? Maybe if you told him this, he would see that he is hurting you and stop. Not if he is an S, though.)
It sounds like you would be o.k. financially without this guy, even though the money is nice.
It is a decision only you can make.
looking up:
I sense your confusion. You need to get really clear about what you want.
When I decided to drive off S I was at the point I was ready to kill myself. I knew I had to do this or die. You have resources in place so, as you put it, you won’t starve or be out on the streets.
From where I am standing, you are desperately unhappy. You know he’s cheating. He’s lying to you. And he’s got you acting crazy — hacking into his voicemail. You deserve more. You deserve better. The question is what do you want and deserve for yourself?
LookingUp:
“He promised her all of the same crap, wanted a family with her, was going to transfer out there to her and so forth.”
It sounds like this girl lives out-of-state from your man. And you said in an earlier post that you live in a different state from him, too.
How is he meeting all of these women who live out-of-state from him? (Especially when he is so sick)
He met her in Sept of last yr. Last month is when I found out about her. He just found out how sick he was according to him. Even now as I am typing this he is on my phone and I just want to say…I need to be apart. But it seems hard to say. He is talking all sweet and such and trying to explain that I just need to relax and allow him to show me he has changed….BUT I HEARD THIS FOR TOO LONG….I JUST HEAR EXCUSES NOW.
Dear looking up..
As long as you are willing to entertain his words, as long as you are willing to accept his calls and let him talk and convince and sweet talk you…then you are allowing yourself to be in a very vulnerable position, confusing position.
consider saying that you have to go do something for your son/with your son.. AND GET OFF PHONE… dont have to say anything regarding wanting to be apart. your actions will show him… no arguing… no confrontation…just hang up nicely and decide what you want to do…
Listen to his BS and go back to his ways…or work on not answering his calls…he is in another state…you dont have to answer!
LookingUp:
“Last month is when I found out about her.”
“He just found out how sick he was according to him.”
WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
LookingUp: Start paying very close attention to everything he does, and listen very carefully to everything he says.
You will begin to see him for what he really is. Good or bad.
LookingUP:
This man is putting money into your bank account.
Does that mean he knows your account number?
If he does, you need to close out that account BEFORE you end this relationship. Or at least secure it so that he no longer has access to it.
You said in an earlier post that although he never took money from you, he took $2000 from another girl.
Be careful.
Men use money as control AND punishment.
I’ve been reading and thinking about betrayal quite a bit so I’m very much looking forward to reading this book. The thought that going through the experience of betrayal by someone I respected and trusted could ever benefit me wasn’t something I could think about when the betrayal and the devastation it brought me were fresh. “This is NUTS!” I’d have said.
I found this quotation today. It was written by Jack Kornfield, who is a Buddhist meditation teacher and author. He says:
“From truth telling to grieving to letting go and forgiving [which I take to mean deciding to let go, but not excusing the injustice or tolerating it again], we will need support…[but] in the end, we will find that our heart holds the simple wisdom and unshakable compassion we have sought all along.
Betrayal itself becomes our teacher. We must bow to betrayal, because it brings us back to the truth. It demands we learn discriminating wisdom, that we speak honestly, that we examine our ideals and our faults, and that we wrestle with forgiveness.”
The real power of this statement to me is that we are taking something really vile (the n/p’s destructive behavior towards us) and the pain and difficulties it brings to our lives — and choosing to care for ourselves and make ourselves better: stronger, and more flexible; wiser and better prepared to meet future challenges. By facing ourselves, and seeking healing for ourselves, we’ve won a great victory. Remember how nuked you felt when you last saw the bastard? Look at yourself now, rebuilding your life, and becoming stronger every day! What a difference!
I hope someday to totally let go of my resentment towards the n/p, but I’m not there yet. It takes time, focus, dedication and support from people who understand. If I hadn’t come here, I don’t think I could now be engaged in redesigning my life, or be taking what the n/p meant to ruin me, and instead, using the lessons it taught me to become a more resilient woman. This is something people like that can’t grasp or understand: how strong and powerful a determined, loving spirit can be. It’s something I’m learning a bit more about with each day that passes.
Lots of love,
Betty
Looking Up,
Even if it’s true that he is sick…he still has many women on the hook to “take care” of him. Dont believe his sob story! especially when he tells you he is being “honest”.
Be strong. No Contact is the only way.
I made the mistake of getting sucked into contact after 12 weeks of NC from the pitty play….only to find out that while telliing me “honestly” he needed me and begging for forgiveness, he was “honestly” admitting he was flying in the woman whom he had cheating on me before to take care of him-since she’s a nurse practitioner… and now is comming back for his prostate cancer surgery. But he tells me he wants to “work things out” with me because “I”m the one! the special one”!!!
The betrayl dosent stop. Never…it get’s worse if they are ill…they need all the attentiona and narcisstic supply they can get. Dont fall for it.
Be strong…or you will only get suked in again, used and spit out in pain.
I’m doing the NC thing again, and he keeps trying….it feels empowering to know that this is my revenge.