Dr. Eve Wood is a practicing psychiatrist and an author of motivational books such as There’s Always Help; There’s Always Hope and 10 Steps to Take Charge of Your Emotional Life. Her motto is, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” Now she’s written a new book that she wished was available when her own life fell apart: The Gift of Betrayal—How to Heal Your Life When Your World Explodes, available in the Lovefraud Store.
Dr. Wood’s husband of 27 years betrayed her. For legal reasons, she doesn’t tell exactly what he did, except to say the magnitude of the betrayal was truly shocking and she could have died. Reading through the lines, it sounds like she was involved with a sociopath, and we all know what that’s like.
So what was she to do? Dr. Wood believes what she wrote in her other books, and decided that she wanted to heal, move forward and build a new life. She writes:
“You have a choice. You can see this betrayal as a curse or a blessing. You can make it about him, or you can make it about you. You can be the victim, or you can take charge. You can grow or shrink. You can heal your life or shrivel up and die. You can choose light, joy and love ”¦ or remain bitter and alone.”
The process was painful, and it took time. She didn’t start out trying to forgive her husband. Dr. Wood writes:
“Most books about betrayal focus on forgiveness, on forgiving the offender and yourself. But I think the attention of forgiving is misguided. When you’ve been burned, you need to treat your wound. You must figure out how you got scorched in the first place and learn to heal.”
The book is divided into 14 chapters, which Dr. Wood calls “lessons.” They are:
- What is betrayal, how does it feel, and where can it take you?
- You have a choice: Do you seize your power or become a victim?
- Could you have been married to (or involved with) a sociopath?
- How did you get here, and what are you meant to learn from this?
- What is the role of forgiveness in healing?
- Trust in your ability to create your heart’s desire
- Take action to create the life you really want
- Slow down: Examine and honor all your involvements
- Take risks, try new things ”¦ and pay attention to how you feel
- Let your female friends help you
- Learn what men have to offer and what they cannot do for you
- Invite joy, pleasure and passion into your life
- Stay present to the gift of the moment
- Celebrate you newfound freedom, fulfillment and fabulous good fortune
This book is written for women who have been betrayed by men. Dr. Wood specifically emphasizes that if the man was a sociopath, the only way to heal is to leave the relationship. She states that sociopaths destroy people. However, she doesn’t talk about how to recover from severe psychological issues that may result from these relationships, such as post-traumatic stress disorder.
This book is for the woman who has processed the shock of the betrayal by the sociopath and is ready, however shakily, to rebuild her life. The Gift of Betrayal provides a roadmap for doing it.
The Gift of Betrayal—How to Heal Your Life When Your World Explodes
Betty quoted “in the end, we will find that our heart holds the simple wisdom and unshakable compassion we have sought all along.”
Thank you for sharing that and reminding us all that the power to heal is within ourselves. I too am finding it hard to let go of my resentment at being so ruthlessly used and betrayed by someone I loved. I feel like 10 years of my life have been wasted on someone who SO didn’t deserve me. But as long as I am kind to myself, and give myself the time I need to heal, I know the pure heart inside of me will beat on, stronger and just as loving as always. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.
And your statement about actually benefitting from being betrayed by someone we loved and trusted brings up a very important point; something we should all remember as we struggle to regain our sense of self:
No matter what our respective n/p/s’ have “taken” from us, they can’t destroy our spirits unless we let them. And I for one simply WILL NOT allow that to happen. Because if I do, then I know I have ultimately betrayed myself. The strength and goodness and belief in myself, things that had been sorely tested but which are the very things that have helped me survive and persevere through all the pain, are still there and will not be destroyed!
So here’s to all of us…and to redesigning our lives, one brick at a time!
The one thing about betrayal is that it is a door that is allowed to open both ways. Yes, our abuser betrayed us in many ways but we also betrayed ourselves. Whenever we allowed abuse to go unchallenged and knew it was wrong we betrayed our beliefs. Whenever we allow our trust to be tested and then also challenged by the abuser we betray our own trust in ourselves. Whenever we allow the abuser to take our own personal space away from us we betrayed ourselves by not fighting for our personal boundaries we did in fact betrayed ourselves.
In a way when we first got that feeling about this person that something wasn’t right about them and this relationship we started to betray our inner voice and instincts. The core feeling of being us, we then choose to ignore and therefore betrayed our own inner wisdom of our personal power. Yes, our abuser did many times betray us but we also allowed it and then explained it away and by doing so betrayed ourselves. Yes, betrayal should be a blessing for whenever one betrays us we learn more about who that person is. But whenever we betray ourselves we should also learn more about oneself.
olderbutwiser – thank you, too! These lessons are SO tough and necessary! But when we can allow ourselves to travel from focusing on all the skunky things that occurred at the hands of the n/p, to focusing on what we are learning and how we each of us can be our best selves — that’s pretty great!
James – no kidding! That’s a hard one for me, “How could I let the n/p do this to me?” On some level, I KNEW…but I still accepted the behavior. It still shocks me that in choosing not to see what was happening, I betrayed myself. I pretended not to see what was before me because I wanted acceptance and respect from the n/p. I had needs for friendship and I was idealistic and very naive, and so I didn’t listen to my heart’s wisdom.
It’s important to understand what you’ve described so well — and I think hold it with a lot of compassion — along with making the decision to heal and become stronger, AND not allow the behavior into one’s life again. That’s honoring your own value: respecting and caring for yourself.
Why is it so hard to take care of one’s self when it’s so easy to take care of others? What makes sense is to care for one’s self AND others — but I do know for sure that recognizing that it’s frequently a challenge to pay loving attention and nurture the self IS a good clue to what helped set me up for the n/p. I’m beginning to really get it that we actually teach others how to treat us by how we treat ourselves.
Taking money or “favors” from these people (psychopaths) is not a “GIFT” it is a DOWNPAYMENT ON CONTROL….
The truth is that they do NOT do anything “for you” that is not a way to GET CONTROL OF YOU. Period.
They use primiarily three things FEAR, OBLIGATION, and GUILT which spell FOG, and they keep us in the FOG to keep control.
They “give” us something or “Help” us in some way, there fore we are under OBLIGATION to stay with them and return the “favors” —-WITH INTEREST.
If we don’t return the “favors” then WE FEEL GUILTY.
THEY do NOT feel guilty for using us or lying to us, because they have ALREADY in their minds, PAID FOR OUR COMPLIANCE.
To me, that is why it is so important to be INDEPENDENT. I do not want to SELL CONTROL OVER MYSELF TO ANYONE for any “Currency”—money, “love,” or anything else.
As long as we allow them to “buy” us with money or favors, we are in the same position as a whore! I have finished with my share of “whoring” and they can keep their “gifts:” and “favors”—-!!!!! TOWANDA
Betty:
Perhaps it’s easier for us to take care of others because so many of us who have fallen victim to these kinds of abusers somehow have the misguided logic that others are more important or “worthier” than we are. NOT!! That’s just the insecurity coming out. The need to be needed and validated by someone else is one of the traits our n/p/s honed in on right away and used to their advantage.
Even though a part of us KNOWS we are just as worthy, the inherent nurturer inside of us finds it natural to put others’ needs first and our own last. But perhaps I should only speak for myself here.
I do know that it brings me great joy to do things that make another person happy, more comfortable or less stressed. Whether it be my children, my friends and family, my significant other, even a stranger whom I encounter on a bus or in the grocery store. It just plain feels good to know the little ripples of kindness that I project into the world have a positive effect on our global energy level.
And most of the time, when I do something nice for someone else, that other person is appreciative. Not that we should ever expect anything in return for our kindness or thoughtfulness. But it’s just human nature to assume that people will respond that way.
So when our n/p/s doesn’t seem appreciative of our efforts, or their reaction comes across as insincere or perfunctory at best, why don’t we see that for what it is? Why don’t we see how selfish that person is being?
I know in my case, it was a slow but steady process of lowering my expectations. And I would ask myself “what are you expecting here? A medal or something? So he doesn’t seem to be thankful for the things you do for him. Don’t take it so personally. Just because he doesn’t throw his arms around you every time you do something nice for him, or seem very effusive in his appreciation, doesn’t mean he isn’t grateful. So shut up already.”
And then I’d end up questioning my motivation (when I’d never questioned it with other, “normal” people). Was I looking for accolades? I didn’t think so, but so many little things like that would creep into my brain and make me feel “guilty” that I seriously began to doubt myself in a way I never had before.
It’s a terrible pattern that starts small and only seems to reinforce our guilt-based need to redouble our efforts to garner the love and respect we are so desperately seeking from this person. So we end up putting ourselves even further down the chain of priorities. And so it goes……..
Learning to honor ourselves, love ourselves, put ourselves first and not feel selfish about it is a hard concept for many of us to grasp (and I put myself at the TOP of that list!) But it is imperative, to not only prevent another unhealthy relationship from engulfing us, but also to see ourselves for the truly beautiful people WE are. Cuz hey…….we ARE beautiful! And strong and loving and WORTHY.
We do teach others how to treat us, so I’m concentrating on immersing myself in a daily ritual of self-affirmation. Taking care of myself and nurturing ME. And that feels good.
Reading all of your posts are so strengthening to me. I have committed to my therapist to get on this site once a day because of the help and support I have gotten from all of you. I am a nurse and work night shift, private duty, for a beautiful 9 year old girl who is paralyzed(except for her right arm) and on a ventilator. She is so positive and cheerful-God has definitely put her in my life to remind me of all the reasons I have to be grateful.
But at the same time, I have FINALLY gotten my s out of my life (11 year relationship, then 1 year “so-called” best friends
(after he completely betrayed me and ran off with a waitress he met in a truckstop with 5 kids (4 of whom were taken away from her,etc)-knew her for a month or two-got married and meanwhile manipulating $$ and whatever he could from me.
This man can SELL ICE TO ESKIMOS,and after reading alot of your posts-he also uses PITY to get what he wants. I read somewhere that PITY is the most prevalent trait with sociopaths…I thought it would be manipultion…but after thinking about it I remember how many times he got me to feel sorry for him so 1) I’d take him back 2) Give him money 3) Give him medication to get high with that I needed for my self etc. etc
Anyway, my dilemna now is-I have him out of my life. I got to the point when I was READY and willing to do what I had to do to get him out and make it stick (I won’t go into details now) and I pray that all of you out there reach that point and SOON-because the s’s don’t make it easy!
SO now he’s out and all the kaos that goes along with it, but I’m very lonely-working night shift in a private home is a little isolating..and I signed up for a few classes that interest me at the comm. college that I sometimes miss due to my crazy hours and needing rest. I’m so happy that after 12 years the s. and his energy draining kaos is gone..I have a couple friends but I feel isolated and alone. I would love to have a partner to share my life with (when I’m ready) but it just seems so far from reality for me. Thank God for my 4 little dogs, they comfort me on a daily if not hourly basis!
I loved the man I always DREAMED he could be (which never existed,at least not for very long.) I feel used by him and I gave him the best years of my life. I will be 53 in a month or so and I’m not trying to play the victim-I’m just feeling very lost and lonely. Using as many resources as possible, trying not to get too down on myself,…any help you can give from people out there who have been through this would be greatly appreciated.
Britney
Welcome to the Club! We are sorry you are a Qualified Member!
I don’t Know your Faith but I read it in your words! The Person you need is YOU! Give your best to yourself! It takes time to grasp the reality of these people. Give yourself plenty of time.
1. Read as much as you want here! One of the places to start is in the archives. Look for Forgiving your self for being HUMAN by Oxy.
2. Nothing YOU did was your Fault! We are Different from them in that we care! They Don’t! I know you feel that it was personal ! It’s NOT! They do this to whom ever they can Con! And once we get HOOKED it’s Hard to get FREE!
Your on your way to a NEW and Wiser and Better Person!
God Bless You! Peace
britneyhammer:
Welcome.
I have been six months NC (no contact) with my S. I was with him 15 months. It feels like 15 years. I feel I am still crawling out of the hole emotionally and physically. He went through a lot of money, too, but at least I got rid of him before he ran me completely into the ground.
At this point I am still trying to recharge myself physically and mentally. I can relate to the loneliness part. Last year, this holiday weekend, I was taking S on yet another holiday away, which I paid for. As usual, he did something to ruin it and make me miserable. While I would love somebody to go away with, nothing is worth the misery he put me through. I’ve finally decided the loneliness will be addressed in time.
Besides “Without Conscience” by Robert Hare, you should read “The Betrayal Bond”. The book was a lifesaver for me, and a lot of people on this site, since it explains how the hell these creatures work, and how come we got involved with them.
Victor, Thank you so much for posting. I poured my heart out then drove to the store and started to cry- hoping that someone would write me back. So you are the angel God sent and I will hold fast to your words.
I don’t feel so much that it was my fault that this whole thing started-just maybe that it took so long to get FREE.
But as I was tearfully driving to the store, I hated to admit to myself that I missed him. WHOA!!THAT”S SICK! At times I felt so close and in his own limited(and self-serving) way I know he loved me-I just feel a big void. I didn’t expect to be this depressed and working night shift and not getting the proper rest makes me more emotional.
I thank God I did something very MAJOR that is keeping him from calling or coming over to my house or seriously, I may weaken due to the way I have been feeling the past week.
I really need all of you right now, you are my lifeline! I’m lonely and scared. I am accomplishing very little-I am not getting the simplest errands,etc. done.
I went through very intense pain a year ago when I found out about his new wife- I wish I had never let him back into my life-but I can’t change that-just learn from it and grow.
I’m sorry to admit that I miss him (or the man I wish he was)but I do. I appreciate ant and all posts!!!Thank you all!!!!
britneyhammer…glad you found this site. I worked the night shift for a few years, and was working it when the devalue and discard, betrayal, and divorce happened. Married almost 25 years to my ex-tox, divorced three years ago. “Crazy” for about 18 months.
Go easy on yourself. Take care of YOU. Time helps. Alone doesn’t have to be lonely forever…and, I’m going to be 59 this fall.
I feel better now than I have in years. It takes time…and help from those here…read and post when you’re feeling the need. Prayers and best wishes.