Dr. Eve Wood is a practicing psychiatrist and an author of motivational books such as There’s Always Help; There’s Always Hope and 10 Steps to Take Charge of Your Emotional Life. Her motto is, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” Now she’s written a new book that she wished was available when her own life fell apart: The Gift of Betrayal—How to Heal Your Life When Your World Explodes, available in the Lovefraud Store.
Dr. Wood’s husband of 27 years betrayed her. For legal reasons, she doesn’t tell exactly what he did, except to say the magnitude of the betrayal was truly shocking and she could have died. Reading through the lines, it sounds like she was involved with a sociopath, and we all know what that’s like.
So what was she to do? Dr. Wood believes what she wrote in her other books, and decided that she wanted to heal, move forward and build a new life. She writes:
“You have a choice. You can see this betrayal as a curse or a blessing. You can make it about him, or you can make it about you. You can be the victim, or you can take charge. You can grow or shrink. You can heal your life or shrivel up and die. You can choose light, joy and love ”¦ or remain bitter and alone.”
The process was painful, and it took time. She didn’t start out trying to forgive her husband. Dr. Wood writes:
“Most books about betrayal focus on forgiveness, on forgiving the offender and yourself. But I think the attention of forgiving is misguided. When you’ve been burned, you need to treat your wound. You must figure out how you got scorched in the first place and learn to heal.”
The book is divided into 14 chapters, which Dr. Wood calls “lessons.” They are:
- What is betrayal, how does it feel, and where can it take you?
- You have a choice: Do you seize your power or become a victim?
- Could you have been married to (or involved with) a sociopath?
- How did you get here, and what are you meant to learn from this?
- What is the role of forgiveness in healing?
- Trust in your ability to create your heart’s desire
- Take action to create the life you really want
- Slow down: Examine and honor all your involvements
- Take risks, try new things ”¦ and pay attention to how you feel
- Let your female friends help you
- Learn what men have to offer and what they cannot do for you
- Invite joy, pleasure and passion into your life
- Stay present to the gift of the moment
- Celebrate you newfound freedom, fulfillment and fabulous good fortune
This book is written for women who have been betrayed by men. Dr. Wood specifically emphasizes that if the man was a sociopath, the only way to heal is to leave the relationship. She states that sociopaths destroy people. However, she doesn’t talk about how to recover from severe psychological issues that may result from these relationships, such as post-traumatic stress disorder.
This book is for the woman who has processed the shock of the betrayal by the sociopath and is ready, however shakily, to rebuild her life. The Gift of Betrayal provides a roadmap for doing it.
The Gift of Betrayal—How to Heal Your Life When Your World Explodes
I really liked Donna’s comment on May 18th where she said “What you are experiencing is normal with people who have been involved with sociopaths. That’s because you are normal.
In a normal relationship, a bond forms between the two people. The bonding process involves both psychology and the chemicals in our brains. Nature made it so that this bond is difficult to break essentially to keep parents around to raise children. So even when you know that you should dump the guy, the bond ”“chemical and psychological still exists.”
I know I begin to sound like a broken record, but I really do feel that a lot of people on this site (probably including me at one point) beat themselves up for being normal. In any long term marriage, there are daily reasons for getting a divorce. The trick is finding the reasons to stay married. That works just fine, if one of the partners isn’t a psychopath/sociopath/narcissist/whatever personality disorder! The ability to forgive, even forgive often. can be good….when you are with a GOOD person who is just going through a rough patch. So it seems that a lot of the traits we beat ourselves up for, are actually GOOD traits! As long as you are with other GOOD people. They will not exploit your generosity, your forgiveness, your tendency to put others first, etc.
I think THAT is JUST AS IMPORTANT to remember as to recognize what red flags you ignored and why, as Steve said in one of his blogs. We’ve been hurt and pain can teach us something. But one thing it should NOT teach us is that something is wrong with us. We ALL have weak spots. We all have times that our defenses are down. Now that a BAD person has used that against us, we can protect those weak spots, heal them, compensate for them, whatever works for you.
But there is not a person that does not have weaknesses. Our particular weaknesses made us more vulnerable, in SOME cases perhaps, to exploitation by a BAD person, but again, EVERYONE has weak spots. In fact, I think for every strength there is a weakness, and for every weakness a strength. I know I suck at directions (maps, etc). I’ve tried HARD to get better, no use, I still suck. Luckily GPS and cell phones were invented, and now I feel like the Straw Man in the Wizard of Oz, who finally got a brain.
And I got hurt BAD by a P/S/N. I’m not sure I’ll ever fully get rid of the vulnerabilities I had/have, but I’m very aware of them and I’m now very well protected in those areas!
I was just with a group of the most courageous, self-sacrificing people I have ever met. But all of them also have backbones of steel, have carried out their work in the midst of civil wars, risked their lives for others, will defend their point of view with gusto, but they are also so very, very kind to anyone who joined the group, battered and bruised, beaten down and who then lashed out in anger over “nothing”. I think perhaps the best healing of all is to be with a group of people like that for every waking hour for several days….I began to feel myself reaffirming my core values. I feel strong, energized, confident in my values, having been with people who so affirm everything I believe in. “Self-sacrifice” for those in need becomes a source of joy. If you ever get to view the documentary (just shown for the first time in the US last night) called Bama’s Journey, do watch it. It is uplifting. Affirms that relationships matter, not wealth. Dedication matters. It brings joy and fulfillment. It is about a man in Cameroon.
The more we affirm what we believe, who we really are, our core values, what REALLY matters in life, the less vulnerable we are to a P/S/N. Mine, at least, hit me when I was down, though not nearly as far down as he would push me…he dug quite a hole for me….and there were certain lines he couldn’t get me to cross, though I crossed MANY. One thing I’ve done, NOT BECAUSE I AM FLAWED, BUT BECAUSE THERE ARE BAD PEOPLE OUT THERE, is strengthen and get clearer about what I believe in so that NOTHING, NO ONE, can get me to violate those values, even if they offered me a billion dollars to do it. Doesn’t matter if there are good things I could for others with that money. All we have is our integrity, and if we give that up, it is a slipperly slope to being pushed down further than we ever thought we could go. The ends do NOT justify the means. For me that is one of the ultimate conclusions I had to face.
But never forget, no bad guy, no problem. He (or she) is the problem, not you. Next time you’ll know better how to respond, just being normal is not good enough to protect ourselves from these aliens!
Good evening everyone. I have not been on here in awhile. I needed to come back on to remind myself that I am married to a S and that he will never change. I read someone’s post about missing the S and I can’t seem to figure out anything I miss about him. I was miserable back then but I didn’t realize it.
I thank God that I didn’t have a son and that my husband left me. I don’t think I would have had the courage to put him out. See my husband wanted a son but we had a daughter. So his mistress ended up having his son nine months after our child and now I believe they are together with her 3 other children. I just feel like God has been watching over me. If I would have had a son my h would probably still try to stick around. He was financially and emotionally abusive and I just never saw it.
Today he came over to put up my air conditioners and look at my printer. He brought me a pack of printer paper (which I think he took from work). He made a comment that wow someone must like me to bring me a pack of paper…wtf????
I just had to realize again that he is a S. He lied, cheated, had a child, left me, etc., etc. and he thinks bringing me a pack of “stolen” printer paper makes up for it. I honestly thank his mistress because it is better her than me.
We finally came to an agreement for our divorce. I signed the documents today. I thought I would be sad but I am not. I told him to have his lawyer put a rush on getting the documents filed in court so it can be finalized. This is sort of a vent and all over the place. But I thank you for reading it.
Nic:
Son or daughter…doesn’t make any difference to a P. You should know that by now! What the hell you letting him in your home for ???????? What the hell you letting him “give” you things for????
You lost your memory!!
Britney Hammer: You said it girl…….!!
“I loved the man I always DREAMED he could be (which never existed,at least not for very long.) I feel used by him and I gave him the best years of my life. I will be 53 in a month or so and I’m not trying to play the victim-I’m just feeling very lost and lonely.”
A warm welcome to you Britney….wish you didn’t have to go through what you did to be here, but you found the right place to begin healing and I’m glad your therapist had the wisdom to direct you to this wonderful resource.
I am a new member of “the club” as well and, also being 53, after an emotionally tortuous 10 year relationship with my own s/n/p, your words hit the nail squarely on the head for me. The anger, resentment and sense of being cheated out of the best years of my life is something that is really hard for me to deal with. I often say to myself “if only I could go back in time and change things so that I NEVER met him!!” But of course that’s not possible. Instead, all of us survivors have found the next best thing…..Love Fraud.
LF is a live saver!! So check in every day, as I am doing, read the posts, read the archives as Victor and Tilly suggest. And little by little you will start to feel there is indeed life after betrayal….because instead of falling back into the “toxic”, we all must work our way through the heavy stuff until we finally see our way clear to the “mystic” (thanks to Van the Man for that little bit of inspiration)
Get the books and read, read, read….Without Conscience, Women Who Love Psychopaths, The Sociopath Next Door, The Betrayal Bond. Spend some time with the words and then spend ALOT of time validating yourself, every day, and remind yourself how wonderful who you, are as a human being and as a woman.
But most of all, LOVE YOURSELF!!
xoxo from one beautiful spirit to another
Dear Tilly, I am sorry to contradict you, but a SON means A LOT to P/S/N!! Nic is getting it right! The P/S/N-men just make all the same mistake for blaming the WOMAN for not having a boy! (they all need some basic biology refresher courses about Y- and X-chromosomes and WHO is giving them to whom…)
Nic, I am glad your daughter has a mother who sees the problem and who is validating the human being irrespectively of the chromosomes. You can be proud of managing the situation as it is alone; I would though recommend to limit the contact to the absolutely necessary, and absolutely no gifts! (in German “Gift” means “Poison”!!!!) He will use it against you!
I was also the first daughter of a N/S-couple, and got it when mom and dad were SO happy with my 5 year younger BROTHER, THE ONE AND ONLY MALE, BEARER OF THE NAME, A NEW BUD IN THE PEDIGREE! The males (father, grandfather, oncles, cousins) were all very happy to go shopping for the BOY (trains, electronics, mechanics), not so BORING dolls, clothing, color pens and so on. They discussed it openly in front of us girls 5 and 6 years old! I for SURE realised by then the appreciation of the RIGHT set of chromosomes! And it was normal for me to be put second to HIM, whenever he had a wish. Although my parents always said that they love all the same way.
My brother by the way has three daughters (from two wifes), and my father has already said to him: it would be SO nice to have a grandSON. I got very angry as I heard this.
My mom also constantly mentioned that it would be SO nice for me to have an OLDER brother; me as the oldest always thought that there must be something fundamentally wrong with me, being XX and not XY (it came never to my mind that the Y-sperms of my father were outsmarted by the X-ones, and that it was not MY fault).
Now my brother is the one with problems and he is as usual relying on the family, whereas we two girls do just fine. And after a long struggle with myself I can be proud being me, most of the time. I just have to remind me that these old hurting judgements were in the past, and that the NOW is the thing that counts. Namaste!
I would say that it is worth remembering that each situation is unique unto itself. So in some cases the gender of the child may not matter in the least but in other cases it very well may matter a lot.
Dear Nic,
Congratulations on the divorce! I must say, though, I agree with Tilly, don’t let the SOB in your house and unless it is about court ordered visitation, and pick up or drop off of your child, I wouldn’t even speak to him.
Whatever “good” or “nice” thing he does for you, it is to make you obligated to him, before long he will be wanting to sleep with you again, too….and, “Oh, BTW, after all I have done for you”—-I just LOVED the STOLEN ‘Gift” ROTFLMAO!
Nic,
Interesting but I been told that the male’s genes decide the sex of the child. After having my boys I told the nurse how we hope it was a little girl but she replied “I guess you can only make boys”. I also read someplace that this is a fact that the male genes decide the sex of the newborn. If I am wrong “sorry” but anyway if it’s true then you ex s/p/d/ex h is blaming the wrong person. He should be pointing his bony finger at his self and not you. But I sure he blamed you before about what is “wrong” with his life and of course you are to blame for it. How do I know? Well my ex s/p did this to me and once yell at me saying “everything that’s is wrong with my life is because of you!” Quote unquote.
It is quite simple: Half of the genes are from mum, half from dad. As dad has XY-genes and mom has XX-genes, half of it would be X or Y from dad and X or X from mom. XX is female, XY is boy. So the chances are 50% for a man to have a girl or a boy. It is in fact slightly more boys, but they tend to die slightly more often as infants than girls and are more fragile than girls. The Y is just to determine “Boy” and has few other functions, so genetic abnormalities that are X-linked manifest in boys as the second X to temper the effect lacks. To get a boy FOR SURE one has to do preimplantation diagnostics. (this is done in India and China, where they have now HUGE problems because of TOO MANY males).
But the male N/S/P even get to blame the wives for THEIR OWN biology!!! If it was not so tragic, especially in macho countries where men blame women for being “defective” for “producing” the “wrong” offspring, it would be ridiculous.
Tilly, ox, James and Libelle thanks for the response. I haven’t been around him in awhile but it is hard because I have no one else to do those things for me. I could have paid a handyman $40.00 an hour to put in my air conditioners but I don’t have the money now so I had to let him do it. But I was strong and I didn’t hang around him while he was doing the work.
I know it is the male chromosome that determines if it is a boy or girl. I remember my husband’s face when the ultrasound tech. told us it was a girl. He wanted a son so bad and he wanted us to try until he got one. When I told him I didn’t want anymore kids he was upset. It so happens I told him this when he already had this woman pregnant. But son or not he has been trying to have sex and come back about 4 times in the 2 years we have been separated. I told him that he finally got his wish for a son and he replied “be careful what you wish for.”
He is coming to get our daughter today and I finally get a break on a weekend. No kids!!! It is funny that when he takes her they will have 5 kids to care for between the two of them and then when his oldest daughter visits from out of town that is 6 kids to care for. His mistress is 31 and he is 35. Wow to have that many kids to care for. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
And he still wants more kids.