Reviewed by Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
Simon Baron-Cohen, author of The Science of Evil: On Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty, is a professor of Developmental Psychology in the department of Experimental psychology and psychiatry at the University of Cambridge. He is director of the University’s Autism Research Center and has endless awards for his research and writing.
If you only read one book about empathy, this book should be it! Baron-Cohen explores the definition of empathy, or the lack of it, in humans, to answer his own questions about the Nazi atrocities in Germany before and during World War II. He also, as a scientist, wanted to explore why some people treat other as objects and answer his questions about how a human being can treat another person with utter cruelty and lack of compassion. His definition of empathy is:
Empathy is our ability to identify what someone else is thinking or feeling and to respond to their thoughts and feelings with an appropriate emotion.
Empathy … requires not only that you can identify another person’s feelings and thoughts, but that you respond to those with an appropriate emotion.
He explains that lack of empathy can be a fleeting state, in which anger, drugs, alcohol, or distractions dampen our empathy temporarily, or it can be a life-long pattern from which there is no recovery. He goes on to show that there are medical conditions in which both parts of empathy are missing (recognition of another’s feelings as well as responding to those feelings.)
Like any good scientist who studies his subject in a scientific manner, Baron-Cohen actually measures empathy. He and his team devised a Empathy Quotient (EQ) in order to measure empathy on the standard bell curve, where the majority of humans are in the middle. Most people have a reasonable amount of empathy most of the time (both recognizing and responding to the feelings of others), with fewer people having a much greater amount of empathy, and others having a lesser amount of empathy.
When I meet someone with very little empathy, it is as if they lack the very apparatus to look inwards at themselves, as if they lack a reverse periscope that would enable them any vision of themselves.
He defines, for research purposes, empathy into six broad categories. He describes zero empathy as:
Individual has no empathy at all ”¦ at which level some people commit crimes and are violent, but ”¦ fortunately, not all people with zero empathy wish to harm others ”¦ they cannot experience remorse or guilt.
At level six are the hyper-empathetic people that he describes as:
Continually focused on other people’s feelings, and go out of their way to check on these and to be supportive. It is as if their empathy is in a constant state of hyper-arousal, such that other people are never off their radar.
Using both psychology and brain scans of the areas of the brain involved in empathy, Baron-Cohen explains how the various personality disorders, psychopathy he uses that word borderline and narcissism, overlap in empathy or lack of it. Other medical conditions, such as autism, also cause problems with empathy.
He shows that people with classic autism, while not having empathy, do not generally intend to cause harm to anyone. The book also explores the genetic links. as well as the environmental links. that can produce low or lacking empathy in a personality.
Appendix 1 is the Empathy Quotient self test. Appendix 2 is How to Spot Zero Degrees of Empathy (Negative). It discusses borderline personality disorder, antisocial personality, a young person with conduct disorder, and How to Recognize a Narcissist.
This is an excellent book for learning more about ourselves, as well as learning about people with low levels of empathy. I highly recommend this book for both scientific information and for common sense information that is useful day to day in dealing with others in our lives.
The Science of Evil: On Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty, on Amazon.com.
The thing about a true spath is they BELIEVE THEIR LIES. That is why ppl believe THEM. There are no “tells”. They sincerely believe the BS spewing out of their oral orifices. They have convinced themselves of this alternative reality and make you doubt your own sanity. They will be sincerely repentant, admit and take sincere ownership for whatever…and do it AGAIN…and AGAIN…and AGAIN. And then say, yes that was wrong, yes I shouldn’t have done that, no I won’t do it again, I can’t do it again if I’m a real man. Friends and professionals are swindled becuz this is not a PERSON…this entity is a SPATH. He can see the chaos and destruction HE CAUSED and not slit his wrists, if only out of shame for pete’s sake! It’s not about taking responsibility, it’s the lack of empathy and remorse that sets spaths apart. Remorse prevents re-doing. Spaths always have a reason, even if it’s idk why and there is no good reason but the universe revolves around ME.
It stinks when you get involved with new ppl becuz you are the bitch for months till they see, you are the SANE one and he is absolutely psychotic. But he’s so damn charming and so delusional. That’s the key I think to a spaths’s success. He has fallen prey to his own game of BS. So he can NOT be FIXED E.V.E.R.
Ox Drover, I did not fall for a man out of loneliness when I was widowed at 25 with 2 small kids and a baby. I was alone for the next decade and a half, even with half a dozen marraige proposals. I did not get over the loss for a full decade. Maybe I would have with another man after a reasonable time (3 or 5 yrs).
STILL when I got involved with someone again, I end up with a spath. I have been to hell and back. Even lost my middle daughter to death in 2010 (she was 20) and it’s very partially due to the spath.
So to be attracted again to even a loser is chilling. I am doubting my worth as a mom. I hate that he does that to me. I don’t hate him anymore. But I hate my reactions sometimes still.
Dear aint,
Sugar I am so sorry for what you have been through, and grief is individual in us all….it takes time, TIME *T*I*M*E* and it can’t be rushed. EVen the grief of the “loss” of the relation-shit with the losers or the psychopaths takes time to grieve. Just give yourself the gift of that TIME and that grief, the roller coaster ride. HEAL YOURSELF and focus on yourself and YOUR NEEDS and take care of those.
I’m so sorry about the loss of your daughter…it hurts to lose a kid, because they are supposed to bury us not the other way around…but losing a child can be in other ways than death, and just as painful, I lost both of my biological sons, one is a P in prison for murder, and the other one is just a jack ass but I can’t trust him and can’t have him in my life. There are other parents here who have lost kids as well, one way or another, or parents or siblings, it all hurts and is the collateral fall out from being around a psychopath. God bless.
Welcome Aint, You sure have them figured out to a T. My spath did cut his wrist to prove his love and devotion. But upon close inspection there were lot’s of previous scars where he did this with previous victims…they are broken and can not be fixed..very sad..but WE can not let them take us down with them.
HI Aint
you are right to be cautious. You don’t need more drama in your life. This time, tell yourself, you are going to do it right. You will watch for red flags and you will turn away the moment you see the drama start.
And that’s what your loser is doing. He may not be a spath but he is a narcissist. N’s love drama too. They want so badly to make you feel FOR THEM. You can call him an N or an S or just Borderline, it doesn’t matter, because the behavior is DRAMA QUEEN. He goes NC with you in order to make you miss him. It’s all about manipulating you. Face it, if you were happy with him, you wouldn’t be here talking about it. Turn it around. Go NC with him permanently. Then go find some good friends who care about you.
I should have not gone and seen him and just left it at that but I had no closure and COULD NOT move on. Every morning it was no better than the nite b4 and I have 2 small kids and was drinking starting earlier in the day. We hadn’t had a fight or anything. I came to his door and he started talking like he’d just talked to me an hour ago instead of NC for 5 days (living a 3 min drive from me to boot, let alone picking up a god damn phone). I was speechless at this and took a few minutes to get my brain working again. Then I said, hey whoa…you disappeared, you haven’t called, I’ve sent you several txts w/no replies. His phone had no more min on it, I knew this but still. The look on his face said he hadn’t thot I was goin crazy down at my house. He seriously would have just moseyed back into my life or stayed away forever with no explanation. I was in awe of him that nite. He hadn’t done anything wrong, he was busy…(yes later, he admitted it was very hurtful & wrong)
His problem is not that he loves drama, thats my spath’s addiction. That’s something i like about my boyfriend. His problem is he hates to deal with emotions and conflict of any sort. He just shuts it out and makes up excuses to avoid it. I am pushing him in areas and he knows it’s a good thing and is uncomfortable with change like any red-blooded man is. But it is UNACCEPTABLE to be swept out to the curb with the morning garbage.
*I* get to do that god damn’t! To HIM for shitting on me. I just am not quite there yet…I have backed off alot and so he gives me much more attention throughout day (sigh)but its all over but the dying, ya know? I can’t give my heart to a loser. I am way too on guard about psychos so any psychoticness makes me very wary. Anyone else would be willing to work through it or wait it out. I just see red. Yet I am deeply in love with him still when it comes down to it. Life sucks.
I guess, skylar, I am on here becuz I *have* no good friends. I have very, very few friends, period, mostly due to my involvement with the spath. ANYone i know, but one very depressed friend, does not understand about spaths. Which is why i also am at a loss as to where to go for counselling. Professionals do NOT understand the abuse of a spath. It’s different from a wifebeater. I was not stupid. THEY WOULD HAVE FALLEN FOR IT TOO. These ppl suck the marrow out of your bones and then make you thank them for doing so.
Hi, ain’t. I’m new, too. I’m also on here because most everyone in my life has dropped away because of my involvement. Nobody wants to hear about it anymore, and I understand. Plus, as you said, most people don’t get it. How many times have you heard, “Why haven’t you dumped that SOB?” Because I’ve heard that a lot, with disgust and impatience in their voices, people I thought were my friends.
Also, I’m too ashamed to admit to anyone the levels to which the manipulation and verbal abuse have escalated in the last few months. I expect a lot of “I told you so.” You’re right: people don’t understand the animal we’re dealing with. I will from now on, though, and I’ll help whoever I can, because this is a bitch.
I hope you can find as much solace and knowledge as I have, even in just a few short days. Everybody’s pretty smart here, and they all speak from experience.
Aint,
We all have different temperments. Realize, though, that with this guy in your life, YOU’LL NEVER HAVE FRIENDS. You need to plan your life and the people in it are critical.
Yeah, not too many people get it. Some do. Find those and quit making excuses. Get your talents together and use them for you. No more throwing your pearls before swine!!!
Sarahsmile
I was ashamed b/c I went back to my husband after the first KNOWN affair (found out after I left that he cheated all my marriage) and he did it again. It was like I set myself up. Who was going to believe abuse when I volunteered to go back and pretend all was resolved, forgiven, and okay?
But NOW I am telling myself healthy messages, like some people NEVER wake up, and to my credit I did, and if I had found lovefraud sooner, I probably would not have gone back the first time. People on here would have told me things that resonated and validated me. BUT, again… it’s the DOING that matters, not beating myself up for not doing sooner.
Your friends will come back. Get yer sh*t together. When YOU are healthy, it will attract good people.