Reviewed by Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
Simon Baron-Cohen, author of The Science of Evil: On Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty, is a professor of Developmental Psychology in the department of Experimental psychology and psychiatry at the University of Cambridge. He is director of the University’s Autism Research Center and has endless awards for his research and writing.
If you only read one book about empathy, this book should be it! Baron-Cohen explores the definition of empathy, or the lack of it, in humans, to answer his own questions about the Nazi atrocities in Germany before and during World War II. He also, as a scientist, wanted to explore why some people treat other as objects and answer his questions about how a human being can treat another person with utter cruelty and lack of compassion. His definition of empathy is:
Empathy is our ability to identify what someone else is thinking or feeling and to respond to their thoughts and feelings with an appropriate emotion.
Empathy … requires not only that you can identify another person’s feelings and thoughts, but that you respond to those with an appropriate emotion.
He explains that lack of empathy can be a fleeting state, in which anger, drugs, alcohol, or distractions dampen our empathy temporarily, or it can be a life-long pattern from which there is no recovery. He goes on to show that there are medical conditions in which both parts of empathy are missing (recognition of another’s feelings as well as responding to those feelings.)
Like any good scientist who studies his subject in a scientific manner, Baron-Cohen actually measures empathy. He and his team devised a Empathy Quotient (EQ) in order to measure empathy on the standard bell curve, where the majority of humans are in the middle. Most people have a reasonable amount of empathy most of the time (both recognizing and responding to the feelings of others), with fewer people having a much greater amount of empathy, and others having a lesser amount of empathy.
When I meet someone with very little empathy, it is as if they lack the very apparatus to look inwards at themselves, as if they lack a reverse periscope that would enable them any vision of themselves.
He defines, for research purposes, empathy into six broad categories. He describes zero empathy as:
Individual has no empathy at all ”¦ at which level some people commit crimes and are violent, but ”¦ fortunately, not all people with zero empathy wish to harm others ”¦ they cannot experience remorse or guilt.
At level six are the hyper-empathetic people that he describes as:
Continually focused on other people’s feelings, and go out of their way to check on these and to be supportive. It is as if their empathy is in a constant state of hyper-arousal, such that other people are never off their radar.
Using both psychology and brain scans of the areas of the brain involved in empathy, Baron-Cohen explains how the various personality disorders, psychopathy he uses that word borderline and narcissism, overlap in empathy or lack of it. Other medical conditions, such as autism, also cause problems with empathy.
He shows that people with classic autism, while not having empathy, do not generally intend to cause harm to anyone. The book also explores the genetic links. as well as the environmental links. that can produce low or lacking empathy in a personality.
Appendix 1 is the Empathy Quotient self test. Appendix 2 is How to Spot Zero Degrees of Empathy (Negative). It discusses borderline personality disorder, antisocial personality, a young person with conduct disorder, and How to Recognize a Narcissist.
This is an excellent book for learning more about ourselves, as well as learning about people with low levels of empathy. I highly recommend this book for both scientific information and for common sense information that is useful day to day in dealing with others in our lives.
The Science of Evil: On Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty, on Amazon.com.
ok, i had inserted that sarahsamile “have seen his face change”. it didnt come thru that way …
I didn’t mean to finish so dramatically, but the locksmith arrived…
Yes, I’ve had these thoughts; however, for me it doesn’t matter what the origin or nature of this man is. The outcome is the same.
DUPED NO MORE!,
Maybe, that’s one of the lessons that comes with the experience – the recognition that there could be a spiritual aspect to the disorder. I had never known anyone so up close and personal myself, causing me to practically derail. Let God (and His angels) protect you, supplying you with what you need. May His peace envelope you, so you don’t have to battle “it” (or anything) on all levels – that’s my hope for you.
Sarah-
The locksmith arrived? FABULOUS!
Hats off to you!!!
My spath said things like
“I’m different” and
“I don’t want people to get to know me because if they learn who I am they will hate me”.
I pooh poohed it and felt sorry for him.
And now I see the truth in what he said and I want to strangle this asshole for sucking up so much of my time and energy and happiness.
The other day I pointed out one of our differences, and he looked at me and said, “but I thought we were the same!?”.
It just made me realize that he tried and tried to mirror me, it was all a sham.
!(#!)#!@.......#()!@.......#!@.......#)
superkid… love your name!
I sold some jewelry to pay for new locks. Went to Home Depot, got the wrong kind, couldn’t get the old one back on, said F-it and called a locksmith. Now I’ll have to sell something else, but it’s worth it for just a little piece of mind.
I have young children and have been living off of child support and savings (which are now gone). I’ve had three jobs in the last two years, all of which I’ve lost quickly due to the stress of this relationship. Three good jobs, in this economy, I let slip through my fingers. Do you know what a loser that makes me feel like? That I couldn’t even get it together to go to work every morning? And now, I can’t find anything. I send out resume after resume, with no calls. Not with my gap in employment from being a SAHM, and not with the spotty record the last few years. Can’t exactly use them as references. This is not where I thought my life would be.
I heard similar things from him. “We’re so much alike.” But with him, it was, “We’re so much alike. That’s why this will never work. We’re both losers.” (I’m paraphrasing, but that was the meat of it.) My response was always, “No, baby, we’re not losers. We’re going to get through this together. We’re going to get back on our feet and encourage each other and have a happy life.”
I also heard, “I’m afraid that once I make all of these changes, you’re going to decide you don’t want me. You’re going to get sick of me after a month. Then I’ll have nothing.”
Dear Sarah, it was ALL ABOUT HIM and what HE WANTED/NEEDED wasn’t it?
As for the job, just take whatever you can get for now….and it may be a down grade from where you were, but you can explain it when you get an interview later for one you are qualified for as “I had a very messy divorce and child custody battle but that is all resolved now and I am ready to go back to work.” You don’t have to explain any more “details” I think most employers would understand.
I’m glad that you got your locks changed, you will be and feel safer now.
Ox, it was always all about him. I thought I needed to be stronger and learn to assert myself and voice my needs. Countless times I reached out to him for support. He just wasn’t capable of it.
His things are gone. I think the locksmith was unnecessary expense that puts me further in the hole, but so be it. I tried to talk to him via text, looking for something, anything, one last time, some shred of what “normal” people would do in a breakup. What’s always happened in my breakups. I’m still friends, or at least friendly, with almost everyone I’ve ever dated in my life (not a lot). There’s no need to be nasty. Things just don’t work out sometimes. Anyway, he wouldn’t. Just “I’m out. Goodbye.”
I feel very, very empty right now.
bluejay: thanks for the prayers and wishes. The Angels walk with me. I have no doubt. I pray they protect your way as well. xxoo
sarahsmile: “…He said to me one time, “I am the Devil. I have the Devil inside of me. Why aren’t you running from me?”
Mine said the same thing to me once and I should have listened and believed him. He was telling me perhaps the only truth “IT” has ever uttered. Seriously.
They call them incubus.
Dupey
Sarah
Thanks for the compliment on my name, it’s what my dad used to call me as a kid. It made me feel like I was on cloud 9!
I agree with Oxy’s point of view. Take anything you can, and move forward. I do a lot of hiring, I’d take that explanation in a minute and I HAVE.
Anyway, I give you WHOO HA GREAT KUDOS that you got your locks changed. I love that! It’s a big ole “F-U” to your spath!
Rock on!
If I can help you in your job search (resume editing, whatever) please let me know.
Superkid