Reviewed by Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
Simon Baron-Cohen, author of The Science of Evil: On Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty, is a professor of Developmental Psychology in the department of Experimental psychology and psychiatry at the University of Cambridge. He is director of the University’s Autism Research Center and has endless awards for his research and writing.
If you only read one book about empathy, this book should be it! Baron-Cohen explores the definition of empathy, or the lack of it, in humans, to answer his own questions about the Nazi atrocities in Germany before and during World War II. He also, as a scientist, wanted to explore why some people treat other as objects and answer his questions about how a human being can treat another person with utter cruelty and lack of compassion. His definition of empathy is:
Empathy is our ability to identify what someone else is thinking or feeling and to respond to their thoughts and feelings with an appropriate emotion.
Empathy … requires not only that you can identify another person’s feelings and thoughts, but that you respond to those with an appropriate emotion.
He explains that lack of empathy can be a fleeting state, in which anger, drugs, alcohol, or distractions dampen our empathy temporarily, or it can be a life-long pattern from which there is no recovery. He goes on to show that there are medical conditions in which both parts of empathy are missing (recognition of another’s feelings as well as responding to those feelings.)
Like any good scientist who studies his subject in a scientific manner, Baron-Cohen actually measures empathy. He and his team devised a Empathy Quotient (EQ) in order to measure empathy on the standard bell curve, where the majority of humans are in the middle. Most people have a reasonable amount of empathy most of the time (both recognizing and responding to the feelings of others), with fewer people having a much greater amount of empathy, and others having a lesser amount of empathy.
When I meet someone with very little empathy, it is as if they lack the very apparatus to look inwards at themselves, as if they lack a reverse periscope that would enable them any vision of themselves.
He defines, for research purposes, empathy into six broad categories. He describes zero empathy as:
Individual has no empathy at all ”¦ at which level some people commit crimes and are violent, but ”¦ fortunately, not all people with zero empathy wish to harm others ”¦ they cannot experience remorse or guilt.
At level six are the hyper-empathetic people that he describes as:
Continually focused on other people’s feelings, and go out of their way to check on these and to be supportive. It is as if their empathy is in a constant state of hyper-arousal, such that other people are never off their radar.
Using both psychology and brain scans of the areas of the brain involved in empathy, Baron-Cohen explains how the various personality disorders, psychopathy he uses that word borderline and narcissism, overlap in empathy or lack of it. Other medical conditions, such as autism, also cause problems with empathy.
He shows that people with classic autism, while not having empathy, do not generally intend to cause harm to anyone. The book also explores the genetic links. as well as the environmental links. that can produce low or lacking empathy in a personality.
Appendix 1 is the Empathy Quotient self test. Appendix 2 is How to Spot Zero Degrees of Empathy (Negative). It discusses borderline personality disorder, antisocial personality, a young person with conduct disorder, and How to Recognize a Narcissist.
This is an excellent book for learning more about ourselves, as well as learning about people with low levels of empathy. I highly recommend this book for both scientific information and for common sense information that is useful day to day in dealing with others in our lives.
The Science of Evil: On Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty, on Amazon.com.
superkid – Listen to a parrot? I recommend following their foot tracks – that is where the truth is found.
Hens, “listening” isn’t just with with the ears….90% of “communication” is NON VERBAL. We should LOOK at what they are doing as MORE TRUTHFUL than what they SAY….”tracks” (you are right there)
If I SAY “I love you” while I am cheating on you, beating on you or something else that you can SEE, which is the TRUTH? Actions or Words? Well, DUH,, that’s a NO BRAINER, but for some reason we chose to listen to the WORDS and not LOOK AT THE ACTIONS.
Actually, though, my X BF P (I like Matt’s way of putting it with the P is an X but they are still a P) TOLD me in words that he was DISHONEST (he admitted cheating on his wife for 32 years with multiple women) and I did not listen to those words either, while he admitted being a CHEAT, I somehow figured he might cheat on HER (and even on his “girlfiends”) with other women, he would NOT cheat on ME! HOW ARROGANT OF ME! What made me think I was so “special” he wouldn’t cheat on me? ROTFLMAO If they will cheat/lie/steal from or on others, they will cheat/lie/steal from you!
When people TELL or SHOW you what they are….BELIEVE THEM.
GOOD JOB, DUPEY!!! TOWANDA!!!
I have a question/concern. So my dad thinks that I’m still a “child”. He thinks I’m obligated to clean his room and clean up after him. Personally, I think it’s insane and also its not my duty. According to him, he had to pick up after his dad when he was a child. Honestly, I find that hard to believe especially since my grandfather can tie his shoe. My father apparently was upset because the other day I didn’t unpack his suitcase for him. He apparently feels that it’s my job to be his “wife” role until he finds a new spouse. He told me the other day that he needs a companion and that it was my job to take that place. It’s almost like in his mind because I’m a woman I have to automatically take the “wife” role. I just feel that because this feels both wrong and unnatural that we fight on a daily basis. So my question in this situation spaths feel that it is their entitlement for anybody to serve them? Am I right for feeling wierd and examining the way he treats me? Is it right for him to take me on a wife role? Also, he likes to play favorites as well. For example, he brags that he’s spends time with his gf not ME. She gets a present and chocolates and not ME. I’m like that’s what boyfriends are for duh..
Dear Hurtnomore,
No, it is not your duty to act as a “wife” role to take care of your father’s needs, even a WIFE is not a SERVANT….or should not be.
Yes, people can feel entitled for others to wait on them hand and foot, it may be somewhat a CULTURAL thing with your father, but in any case, you are not obligated to be his SERVANT….I think the quicker you can get away from this man the better off you will be. Whether it is a cultural thing (how he was taught to view females) or whether it is that he is ALSO a psychopath I have no way of telling, but it is obvious that you and your father do not get along, that he wants you to wait on him like a SERVANT and feels it is his entitlement….I advise that you continue to educate yourself and become financially independent and as soon as possible get out of his house, next year get a summer job some where and on vacations arrange some other place to live or stay (not your family friends, as they seem to be sided with your father’s ideas of your obligations to him) and do not ever go back to his home.
This is not something new, but has been on going since before you were out of high school, I doubt that he is going to change whether it is a cultural thing or whether he is a psychopath, in any case, it is up to you to have the kind of life you want and to provide that life for yourself by becoming financially independent. That is one of the great things about America is that if you don’t like the way your family lives, you don’t have to put up with it, you can make your own life. With independence though comes responsibility, and when you accept their “help” you leave yourself open to them expecting “obedience” to their wishes in return. Accept as little help as possible until you get through school and then get away from this man and stay away. Keep on reading and learning here as well. The more you know, the more powerful you are. God bless.
OxDrover- I knew it. I just don’t feel like it’s my job to be his servant. I just got in trouble because my dad claims that I don’t “respect” him. He says that he supposedly told me to clean the living room but I didn’t clean it. He was like I think I’m an adult and I can make decisions for myself. Honestly, he does nothing for me. He has to pay for my college by law and he only pays the minimum. I have to make up the rest on my own. My dad tells people bad stuff about me and tries to show how horrible i am. He claims I tell people bad stuff about him and my family. He’s like it all come back to me. Honestly, the neighbors and people who come often can see his character. In fact a neighbor pull me aside and told me. I was surprised that she picked up his true colors. I’m just upset and tired of family friends trying to make me “work” on my relationship with my father. Especially since I know what to do in the end. Im going for no contact! Overall OxDrover, Im taking your advice and taking it seriously. Financial independence one step at a time.
Dear Hurtnomore,
Moving from being an adolescent, and becoming a financially independent adult is difficult at best. When there is family disruption, culture clashes, etc it only makes it more difficult.
It is normal for you to want to become independent and to make your own way in the world. It would of course be nice if your father was supportive of this but for cultural and/or other reasons he obviously does not agree with your becoming independent, or feels that because he does pay for some of your college that he has some right to your labor and “obedience” to his demands.
I realize that you are anxious for independence and to be away from the constant quarrels with your father. At this point it is I think kind of like I told you last year, just take it one day at a time, and keep in mind that it is ONLY A FEW DAYS/WEEKS until you will be out of his house and back at school.
What are you studying in college? What activities are you doing outside of the class room? Think about these things and maybe it will make the day to day existence better until you can get out of your father’s house.
Arguing with him is not a winning proposition for you either….even when he says something you know is untrue, because you are not going to convince him that he is either wrong or lying, so by arguing with him you are only going to get him madder and more inclined to try to control you. Maybe you can just keep out of his way as much as possible. ((hugs)))
Hurtnomore,
I’m sorry for the position you are in. Your father sounds like he resents being forced to pay your tuition so he is trying to make you work it off. No matter how much you do for him, it would never be enough, you can be sure of that.
I agree completely with Oxy’s advice, focus on becoming independant financially. Try to go NC as soon as possible. You cannot win in any argument with him. All you can do with a spath, narcissist or bully, is to try to appease them for as long as you must be in contact. Then fly away as quickly as you can. Gray rock, means NO DRAMA. Show him no anger or emotions. Be boring, never respond with any emotion whether postive or negative, because this just feeds him.
Do remember, however, to thank him for his financial support and tuition payments. It makes all the difference to a spath and how he perceives you.
OxDrover- I know it’s not easy being financially independent but I guess I feel like what needs to be done is what needs to be done. I guess I’m used to struggling considering all of last year. I mean I agree 100%. I take your advice and keep it in my mind.
Skylar- yeah he’s just really bad for me. I just want him out of my life. I mean I’m so sick of being pressured. They always say Honor your father and mother meaning obey and obey. I’m like ummmm… But on the other hand I see what you are saying. That’s what the lady says to sorta go with the flow til I’m at school.