Reviewed by Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
Simon Baron-Cohen, author of The Science of Evil: On Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty, is a professor of Developmental Psychology in the department of Experimental psychology and psychiatry at the University of Cambridge. He is director of the University’s Autism Research Center and has endless awards for his research and writing.
If you only read one book about empathy, this book should be it! Baron-Cohen explores the definition of empathy, or the lack of it, in humans, to answer his own questions about the Nazi atrocities in Germany before and during World War II. He also, as a scientist, wanted to explore why some people treat other as objects and answer his questions about how a human being can treat another person with utter cruelty and lack of compassion. His definition of empathy is:
Empathy is our ability to identify what someone else is thinking or feeling and to respond to their thoughts and feelings with an appropriate emotion.
Empathy … requires not only that you can identify another person’s feelings and thoughts, but that you respond to those with an appropriate emotion.
He explains that lack of empathy can be a fleeting state, in which anger, drugs, alcohol, or distractions dampen our empathy temporarily, or it can be a life-long pattern from which there is no recovery. He goes on to show that there are medical conditions in which both parts of empathy are missing (recognition of another’s feelings as well as responding to those feelings.)
Like any good scientist who studies his subject in a scientific manner, Baron-Cohen actually measures empathy. He and his team devised a Empathy Quotient (EQ) in order to measure empathy on the standard bell curve, where the majority of humans are in the middle. Most people have a reasonable amount of empathy most of the time (both recognizing and responding to the feelings of others), with fewer people having a much greater amount of empathy, and others having a lesser amount of empathy.
When I meet someone with very little empathy, it is as if they lack the very apparatus to look inwards at themselves, as if they lack a reverse periscope that would enable them any vision of themselves.
He defines, for research purposes, empathy into six broad categories. He describes zero empathy as:
Individual has no empathy at all ”¦ at which level some people commit crimes and are violent, but ”¦ fortunately, not all people with zero empathy wish to harm others ”¦ they cannot experience remorse or guilt.
At level six are the hyper-empathetic people that he describes as:
Continually focused on other people’s feelings, and go out of their way to check on these and to be supportive. It is as if their empathy is in a constant state of hyper-arousal, such that other people are never off their radar.
Using both psychology and brain scans of the areas of the brain involved in empathy, Baron-Cohen explains how the various personality disorders, psychopathy he uses that word borderline and narcissism, overlap in empathy or lack of it. Other medical conditions, such as autism, also cause problems with empathy.
He shows that people with classic autism, while not having empathy, do not generally intend to cause harm to anyone. The book also explores the genetic links. as well as the environmental links. that can produce low or lacking empathy in a personality.
Appendix 1 is the Empathy Quotient self test. Appendix 2 is How to Spot Zero Degrees of Empathy (Negative). It discusses borderline personality disorder, antisocial personality, a young person with conduct disorder, and How to Recognize a Narcissist.
This is an excellent book for learning more about ourselves, as well as learning about people with low levels of empathy. I highly recommend this book for both scientific information and for common sense information that is useful day to day in dealing with others in our lives.
The Science of Evil: On Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty, on Amazon.com.
Oxy – yesterday was really interesting. n sire was out when i got to my mom’s place. I got to talk to her for about 20 minutes before he came home. 🙂 It was great. Wish I had had an hour.
(Oxy – will you do me a favour and stop saying ‘when her mind goes further and further away…’ Please. Okay? She is far far from that. And you mention it often time and it’s painful. I need to be int he present with her, not the future. Thanks.)
….back to the story – he came home and had this big, ‘i am so happy look’ on his face. thinks the f day card meant something i think). I told mom i had better get going. she said (ever the enabler): ‘oh come on, just 5 minutes. I said, ‘no, he’s and asshole. he gets nothing from me.’ She was crestfallen.
(I turned and walked around the outside of the house and off through the woods (limping for it today).
It was very interesting. I feel somewhat emancipated. As I walked away, sorry for her crestfallen state, I rejoiced in the time i spent with her and that i wasn’t going to own her crestfallen state or feel bad for saying something that was hurtful for her. *HUGE step*. I will work toward saying nothing about him next time, just say I have to go – i don’t want to hurt her, but it takes some time to work through all of my reactions to seeing him. As I walked on I realized *I* am more important than either of them. whoa.
I’m sorry One, I thought your mom was very senile almost to the point of not knowing whether you were there or not, my comments were meant to be caring not upsetting at all.
Though in general I do think that some senile older people are better off than those who CAN remember….and when dealing with older adults who are senile and become “hateful” (my dear wonderful MIL became hateful after a couple of little strokes) it is good to remember that it is their damaged brain that is causing them to act that way, not “them.” My MIL went from being my “best friend” (she had lived with us at MY request for 10 years) to hating me because of the strokes, but I keep in mind that it was NOT HER that “hated” me, but her damaged brain. Unlike with my own egg donor who isn’t senile but has always been controlling, I have wonderful memories of my MIL before her strokes.
Actually, you sound stronger and like you had a better visit this time than you did last time.
In dealing with those we love who are in thrall to the psychopaths or the narcissists that we can’t tolerate it is always painful for us. We want to please those we love, but because of their attachment (enslavery to?) those Ps and Ns it comes between us and them. The fall out from the Ns and Ps.
I’m glad that you had the strength to walk out with your head high even though you knew it hurt your mom for you to do so. There comes a point that self protection, self conservation is more important than anything else. I think you have finally reached that point, and as sad as it is, and I can understand that it is SAD, TOWANDA for you. (((hugs)))
Oxy – i can imagine how hard that must have been with your MIL. It’s tough to make the transition from a reciprocal relationship to dealing with the personality changes with stroke and dementia.
When I lived with mom she would accuse myself or others of stealing or moving things,and a host of other things – she was none too pleasant to deal with. but i had a LOT of patience for her, as I recognized it was the disease.
…just want you to know that I understand…
We have been VERY lucky with mom’s strokes and dementia – she has not become mean. a friend of my n sire’s once said, we’d have to ‘put him down’ if the n sire ever got dementia. 🙂
Howdy One Step,
I’m glad to see you had a nice visit with your mother 🙂
One of the sweetest patients I ever had in my clinic days was the mother of a friend of mine, and when she had a stroke she got hateful and would CUSS her daughter out and the daughter would CRY and CRY and I kept telling her that though the lights are on, no one is home any more and that is NOT HER MOTHER talking to her. I don’t know if she ever really got to where she could handle it when finally her mom died.
My MIL was sooo funny and we enjoyed each other so much but it just got to where I couldn’t handle her any more and she went to live with her granddaughters in Texas for the last years of her life. They ripped her off financially but they did keep her out of a nursing home so that is okay too.
For some reason men with dementia generally are more likely to be combative than women are. I used to run a dementia unit in Texas back in the 1980s it was one of the first in the Dallas area. I was only there about a year but I enjoyed it and we did some interesting things with the patients.
I’m glad your visit was better than the previous ones have been, and hopefully, your N sire will be gone for a longer time next time you visit. ((hugs)))
Oxy,
Yes, I stopped putting salt on my food. I notice that all I do is sweat now! I know you’ve mentioned statins are no good, I have to take it and I hate it. I’m trying to lower my high cholesterol and so far it’s gone down 16 points and I have far to go!
Best wishes to you on your weight loss! Tawonda back atcha for the low salt/low cholesterol.
HI Ana: I am on statins too. I am on 3 different heart medications along with aspirin. Just recently, I am allowed to take something like tylenol, aleve, etc., for aches and pains but the past 9 months, nothing. It has been a steady climb out of this, especially dealing with IDIOT SPATH! He certainly hasn’t helped much. In fact, he pushed me just a little closer to the grave and did so with much delight and glee.
Well, I am formally on my water only fast until tomorrow afternoon. I am only something like four hours into it and already want to run out and eat a big, fat, hot fudge sundae with whipping cream and cherries! ahahaha What do “I” get? WATER! I can’t even have it flavored. I am chewing gum. Gum and water; that’s it. I am going to be so hungry by the time tomorrow afternoon rolls around.
The medications I take make me sick to my stomach unless I take them with something to eat. This is going to be MISERABLE! Grrrrr! ahahahaaha Hope I make it. I am kind of weak with stuff like this. 🙂
Then, from so much blood thinners, I have a tendency to bleed out easily and quickly. I just can’t wait until they stick me tomorrow!!! THAT should be fun. NOT. The last time, I almost bled to death because they weren’t ready for it. I always have to warn them ahead of time and they treat me like I am a space cadet or something: “Be careful, it will spew and not stop!” They never listen and then the are shocked by all the blood. hahaha
Well, what do you know…it’s been quiet for a couple of days. I just can’t believe it. It’s wonderful not having a psycho in your life. I can’t explain nor adequately define to you all just exactly what his whole persona was like. Just an ugly, ugly, vile, person, in every way. It wasn’t always like that. For FIVE of the NINE years I knew him, he was a real ‘charmer’!
Then the mask started wearing off.
Then the abuse started. All of it emotional and mental.
It was horrid and none of it deserved.
I was thinking today how this could happen to anyone, really. In any kind of situation or relationship: mother, father, uncle, cousin, brother, friend, sister….it could be anyone. It doesn’t have to be in a ‘love type’ relationship. He and I were best friends for four years until he started his climb into the darkness. He truly thought he was going to take me with him but it didn’t work out that way for him. Somehow, things just always seem to go awry for it. I think it’s because he has no concept of forethought. He lives by instinct. No emotions. It’s the best he has –
He used to tell me what a ‘classy’ person he always thought I was. Always fair, honest and centered. He told me how he wished he could acquire that for himself but didn’t know how. He told me that the “HIM” I saw was the BEST of him and that nobody else has seen that. When the x wife and I started speaking, comparing stories, we hit upon something I found utterly amazing: there were things about her and his relationship that were nothing like ours. He was always the ‘master’ over her or trying to be – trying to force her into doing things she didn’t want and then beating her when she didn’t comply. He was a little more ‘reserved’ around me because he KNEW I would NOT stand for any hitting. EVER. He had his hands full with me. They don’t like it when you give them too much trouble – they would rather run away then stand up to their responsibilities and actually ADMIT they are wrong. They would rather die first.
I am grateful it is quiet – it gives my body time to heal without all the insanity and madness. I miss it less and less as time goes by and I can feel memories being ripped from my heart and my mind with each day that passes. Surely he can’t want me to just forget and put it all away – it will be back. It will.
And, I say: BRING IT ON. 🙂
TAWONDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Dupity Doo Duh
Well, I don’t like the statin drugs BUT fortunately the statistics and research show that in people with very high cholesterol they do help lower it and also the stroke/MI rates…I am fortunate that my cholesterol is not all that high so I have a CHOICE about taking them or not.
I was really SHOCKED when I started looking at labels and reading them that even if you threw the salt shaker away or quit cooking with it entirely, the foods we buy are LOADED WITH SODIUM (salt) so I had a lot to learn and totally change my diet. I find now that there ARE foods canned/frozen without salt added and things I like (Mexican food) has some spices that have NO added salt. I have had to learn to make my own salsas and so on but had tacos tonight with SALT FREE taco shells (ordered from a specialty store off the internet) with refried beans (home made) and great salsa that I made from scratch! Almost ZERO sodium, in fact my sodium intake for the day is still less than 300 mg. in ALL the food I have eaten….the American Heart Association recommends less than 1500 per day for EVERYONE….for heart patients less than 500 is ideal. So I am approaching ideal. It was NOT easy, but I realize that stress has taken a TOLL on my health in a serious way, along with carrying too much weight.
Focusing on doing good things for myself, taking care of myself FIRST has been good emotionally as well as physically I think. Decreasing stress, pulling myself up short and shouting “WHOA!” when I realize I am stressed has helped and when I do get “zinged” from the side lines, it doesn’t last as long as it used to, because I think I am building up EMOTIONAL strength as well as physical strength so that when there is a difficult task to do I have the reserve strength to do it.
Good luck tomorrow Dupity! Don’t spurt all over the lab when they draw your blood! (((hugs))))
Duped,
Thank God you did not contact IT!! If you are like me, when hungry I turn into a bear! Your emotions will go UP and down, UP and down just from not being able to eat! I had to fast also and I saw a hot dog eating contest on TV and boy did I want one! And I’m a vegetarian…lolol.
Hey, I meant to ask you; you said you drank a fifth of black velvet? What is that? I know it’s some kind of alchohol, but what?
I’ve been going to the MD as well just for the annual stuff. I’m sick of being prodded and poked too! I’m sure it’s nothing compared with what you have to go thru but it’s still invasive..I don’t like the doctors!
DON’T invite the spath to bring it on, cause IT will!!! Silence is golden isn’t it 🙂
Oxy,
Yes, I TRY really hard not to eat anything that comes in a box or a can. I just started reading labels…it’s gross isn’t it? Like they are trying to poisen people…ugh.
I pretty much gave up all carbs..my beloved potatoe’s, pasta, bread..all things “white” and an ice cream habit that was brutal..lol. Cholesterol went down a lot. Now, I’m hoping it’ll keep going down to get off that drug!
Wow, that salsa sounds great! My husband makes a mean guacomole 🙂 That’s great you are getting stronger in all ways. That’s what happens when you start looking out for yourself I guess and I’ll gladly follow that example.