What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
This is right on. Most people, read a book, go to the gym, see a show, go on a trip when they are bored.
A sociopath will wreck a marraige, steal money, molest a child, etc.
In addition to being bored, another state that is unbearable for the sociopath (at least from my own experience) is BEING ALONE.
So this explains why he could only handle family life in small doses. Heliked to come home to family and a good meal – but as late as he possibly could 8:00- 8:30- even 9:00 pm on a school night. He didn’t seem to care the kids waited that long to eat dinner with HIM.
Weekends – he took off under the disguise of WORK – and was not even moved by his sons’ pleas to stay home with him.
He would even leave during a week vacation at the shore and say he had to go back home to check on work.
He was never one to sit and watch a movie much – unless he picked it, did not go out to the movies, hated taking the kids to a carnival or to the shore for the night.
He even bought a house down the shore for investment but only joined us a few times over the years.
My daughter’s dream was to sit as a family on the back porch and play a board game after dinner. Not much to ask at all – he just couldn’t do it – unless he had a few drinks.
Over the last years, I now know he relieved his BOREDOM with the following behaviors and as you say – NO REGRET OR CONCERN FOR WHAT IT COST HIS FAMILY:
Affairs –
4 motorcycles
Hells Angels
Bars
Dining out to excess
Jazz clubs
Motorcycle trips
Internet sites for sex – one wife and one ongoing affair were apparently STILL BORING
Always on the phone
Illegitimate business deals
Invention after invention
New vehicles
Always a NEW DEAL ongoing
And the last thing he said going out the door was ” I don’t think I want to be married , but i don’t think I want what is going to go along with not being married”
How inconvenient for him – he lost the best thing he ever had – me and the kids!!!!
Yes , Steve, he robbed my safety, dignity, security and finances – and seems determined to take whatever is left.
Steve ,
After finding all these details out, his recent remark was, ” You are just pissed because now you know I was out living my life , having a great time, partying – and you were home with the kids. ”
No remorse, no regret – and such contempt that I could be content with being with my kids.
Did I miss him? – all the time -and he knew it. Did I want him to be with me – us? All the time. I tried not to nag but the last year together I would remark how nice it was when he WAS around and how the kids were more relaxed. Sure it puffed him up to be desired and needed but it didn’t change anything.
Did it matter? NO.
He’s on his quest for LOVE, HAS THE PERFECT WOMAN NOW –
how long before he gets bored again ???
Dear Newlife, they can never be UN-bored (how do you like my new word?LOL) for long and as soon as they have “conqueored” that “hill” it becomes old hat and not exciting any more so they must go climb a higher hill, or a different hill. They can never be interested in the “mundane” things in life like playing a board game with their little kids and seeing the child’s eyes light up when they “win” or seeing the child learning to take turns or share—those things that WE find exciting and memorable, they find mundane and ordinary and uninteresting.
Humanbeings as a group have varying levels of tolerance for boredom, and desires for risk taking, but the psychopaths seem to be out at the end of the scale on both. Taking risks (on whatever plane) seems to be the thing that they LIVE FOR. It is what makes life fun for them. There are a few others wh9o are on the risk taking level that they are that are NOT psychoopaths, but many groups of people who are high risk takers by virtue of their profession seem to also have a higher than “average” level of psychopapths among them.
You had talked about yours not liking to be ALONE, my P son and my P sperm donor and several others I have known absolutely cannot stand to be ALONE, and it almost seems that if they did not have someone else to SHARE and SEE their “successful” risky trick, it was like it “didn’t count” if no one else was there to ADMIRE it. My P son and my P sperm donor always ALWAYS had to have an AUDIENCE for their glory.
Not all Ps are that way though, like the serial killers, many of them work alone and in secret and of course do NOT want an audience. Their successful risky behavior is for themselves and themselves alone (if you don’t count the victim being there) Others like BTK killer would taunt the cops as another part of his risk taking behavior.
None of them will ever be satisfied for long though, with whatever “success” they have.
Oxy,
You are so right – as is Steve.
When his best friend asked him why he was in yet ANOTHER relationship besides the other affair, and me – and the internet – he replied he NEEDS companionship – he hates being alone.
The companionship of a doting wife and 2 kids didn’t phase him.
That is why over the 22 years I was very attuned to being home when he expected, didn’t go out on my own – the family was always awaiting his arrival. Hell, he was 45 minutes late for our wedding.
Now he can UNBORE himself to his hearts content!!!
I thought HE was boring!!!!! I guess he was relieving his boredom by getting money out of me, that must have been the highlight of his day!
I just broke up with a S three weeks ago. I known him six months before I became involved with him. I was only with him for five months. I was in denial nearly the whole time, yet I believed he loved me. I’m still going back and forth with the idea he MAY have loved me. Still waiting for him to call me. How sick is that. How can I get him out of my head? I think about him constantly.
Oxy, shabbychic2, Steve,Newlife08
All your comments are so enlightening! I hadn’t considered the ‘boredom’ angle in too detailed a way, although I was aware of his threshold – just thought of it as yet another selfish trait to add to the 14 miles list!
Reflecting back on the S, I now recall so many occasions when he revealed himself in this way: When invited to a ‘family’ occasion (over time, he totally avoided them) “will there be anyone interesting there for me to talk to? Or will it just be all mumsy dadsy and kids?”. “You amuse me – so few woman do” (so grandiose!) – just two red flags. The constant ‘fishing’ trips – yes he did genuinely fish but I alway felt a dis-ease about them – later turned out, he used them as a cover to hook up with his ‘back-burner’ woman – the ones he kept as satellites all over the place to pick up when he found a clandestine opportunity.
Still haven’t estblished if he was actually a sex addict or just an attention junkie – either way, he lied, cheated and deliberately started arguments/created bad situations to set up his ‘exit routes’ – not to mention put me at risk. He actually managed to sneak off to the West indies with ‘one of his women’ for two weeks and conceal it from everyone, including his own sons! It would be funny if it wasn’t for the fact that I and others actaully loved and cared about him……… When found out he actually said ‘I had to lie to you to spare your feelings – otherwise you wouldn’t have entertained me’ – oh, what a guy? All the time, he was sparing my feelings! Silly me. I find it incredulous that he seriously thought that this was a perfectly viable explanation !
Yes – the contempt Newlife08 – I can identify with your outrage and pain!
They have us hanging around like pawns in a game, awaiting the little emperor’s return – this too ‘amused’ him, no doubt – he loved the control.
Newlife – love the comment
‘he can unbore himself to his heart’s content’ –
really made me laugh and struck a chord – you brightened my day – another ‘gem’ to add to my little box of healing thoughts – it’s so wonderfully dismissive! And in the absence of exacting the sort of revenge that I have fantasied about in the past, it’s fairly small fry (to coin a fishing phrase!). Who wants to inhabit the same sewer as them anyway?
Shabbychic – it wasn’t the getting the money out of you that was the highlight, it was the twisted satisfaction that he could that was more important – power, you see – anyway what do I know ? – who wants to examine the contents of their stupid heads?
Maybe once they’ve run out of people to show-off to, they will get their own particular ‘Room 101’ nightmare – being alone……
Thanks all for sharing your wisdom and letting me get this off my chest in a safe place – I’ve been struggling on my own with it – you can only lay so much on friends who haven’t been there – why should they want to understand – it makes one’s life sound so ‘skanky’ (an English word for something much less polite)………… Escapee
Confused, One answer. No Contact. Bad relationships with Sp or not never get better. If it is bad so soon into it, even less likely to get better. Rosa, Dead on. They HATE to be ALONE! Maybe the really out there ones with thrill kills like to be alone but then their victim is the ultimate audience as is the investigators and the public at large if ever they are caught. I believe they want to be caught. BTK came out because he couldn’t stand some author of a book stealing his glory. They feed on attention. Their inner world is blank. They are so uninterested in us. Only our entertainment value. They don’t know us, care for us, or remember thing one about us once the new victim is in place. They overlap their relationships so they never risk being alone. They walk away from family, friends, children, spouses, lovers. All for the next fix of new thrill.
confused2: If that is sick, then I’m sick too! I could have written your post myself. I know the S didn’t love me, but I still go back & forth with the idea that maybe he loved me but didn’t realize it, how pathetic is that! I’m in a brain fog over here myself, but getting better little by little. Keep reading the articles & posting, writing about what you are feeling is a great way to help you heal and the people here are very supportive!