What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Henry,
I’m no more giving, special than you are, dollface. We are equals in those departments. Kindred spirits. We give what we can to those who need it in their time of sadness and despair. It’s what good people do best!
Slimone,
haha…hilarious and brilliant. I would like to add my own insight on the subject of sociopathic boredom:
You see, these creatures are sooooo boring, so bereft of any intellectual/emotional depth, so lacking of anything interesting or compelling to say, share with us that I…can’t…seem…to…stay…awake…sleepy…so..bored…so…snoozy….zzzzzz
Anyway, I’m all dazzled up in snazzy dress and going to treat myself to some Mex food at a cozy little restaurant. Yes. Alone. Company’s overrated anyway. This way I can focus all my attention on the good eats and gently flirt with the cute servers.
I WILL have fun and hope you folks do something of happy cheer also!
🙂
hey guys, here’s one for you. Mine was so boring he lives in his garage to not dirty his house as he’s over the top OCD. He washes his dishes from his hotodogs (eats about 3 diff foods all meat) in the basin in the laundry room. Seriously he watches tv in his garage and the highlight of the night is when he gets all the garbage from the day and heads of to whatever dumpster as he rotates them so as not to get caught. To think i put up with that shit for all those years, freezing my ass off at one time when i could see my own breathe in the winter in the garage anything so i wouldn’t be alone. What a life eh , i went through a panopoly of emotions, felt sorry , enabled him, devi l i knew i thought was better than one i didn’t , wish i had that time back. I would have visions when i’d get really pissed of throwing flour all over the place just to drive him insane, not that he wasnt’ already there. BORING, AND i thought my ex husband was boring. I thought in the beginiing i was getting this badboy biker guy and i had been married to a normal but boring banker. Instead he turned out to be the exact opposite to what i thought. His parasitic lifestyle, slang language from the company he keeps, archaic wardrobe , all things that at one time i thought made him eccentric as he likes to be called. Balongnie, he’s the most boring, impotent, repulsive, dim witted, lying, cheating bafoon that i gave way too much credit to. The only person who wouldn’t agree is his Mommy Dearest. I’d like to call and wish him Happy Father’s Day tomorrow but the idiot would think i meant it haha. Doubt his meth addicted and alienated older daughter or younger one who detached over 4 years ago will bother to call either. He won’t reflect much about them only to feel sorry for himself. tHERE, glad i got that all off my chest. love kindheart
Happy Father’s Day to all the dads and all the moms who are more dad then their S’s will ever be. We can’t ever be devalued by those who hold no values.
Hello there. Kind of down today. Went to a car show yesterday which is what I do in the summer, and was told S was going to them also. He told me he wasn’t going to go to them any more because they were boring etc. Yet another lie I believed. I cried like a baby when I got home. Now do I stop going to car shows to maintain NC with him? Also thinking of hiring an investigation on him to see how much I was lied to. I don’t know if I’m trying to heal or trying to have some kind of preverted contact with him. Any ideas or suggestions out there.
Hi Confused,
Sorry about the car show. I’ve never been to one before, is it big enough to go and avoid the S? I bet he just went bc he knew you would be there. Maybe you could budget to go to car shows in a different city, make a little vacation out of it instead of going to the shows where the S will likely be there?
As far as hiring an investigator, I think that is a very BAD idea. Save that money to go on your car show-vacation. I competely understand why you would want to hire someone, my sister and I joke that if we ever quit our day jobs we should be private investigators, bc I got quite good at finding out what my S was up to. I actually considered getting a PI before moving out here to be with my S, so I’m not very far removed from the desire to find out just how much he lied.
I don’t think it would be a good idea, because I don’t think it would help you heal. What good would finding out more lies accomplish? It won’t make you feel better, it will just give you more things to be upset about. You know that old saying, “ignorance is bliss”–there is a LOT of truth to that. I think No Contact includes no private investigations (unless maybe you’re going to court), it also should include no checking the S’s myspace/facebook/twitter, driving by their house, or going places where they will likely be, no matter how great the temptation.
For me that means I have to avoid an entire city of the metroplex I live in. This will reveal just how crazy I had gotten before NC, but I have to pat myself on the back for not going to the S’s apartment to see if his new girl is there. Sometimes I’m tempted to, to see if she is there, if they are happy, or if he moved out (since he was supposed to move in with me maybe he moved in with her). But I haven’t done this, because I know on the drive back home I will be ashamed and a crying wreck. I also made the mistake of checking my S’s Twitter status on a couple of occasions since NC. Both times, it did not ‘help me to heal’ by knowing what he was up to. It instead brought all those awful emotions flooding back.
So what I think would be best for you would be to forget the investigation, just assume you were lied to about EVERYTHING and stay NC. What if you found out some HUGE new lie, anyway? Right now you already have began to deal with all the lies you’re aware of, that new lie would just cause you new PAIN. And it’s irrelevant, you already know he’s a liar. Fire is hot. It will burn you. You don’t need an investigator to tell you exactly how hot it is. If you touch it you might get a 1st degree or maybe a 3rd degree burn, but they would both hurt.
Yes you are right. Every new lie I find is another blow to my heart. The night before I broke up with him I went to his house and looked inside his window while he was on the computer and he was hooking up with a 20 something girl on a porn site called Rawtube. It is a disgusting site. And then I realized why he couldn’t have sex with me even with the help of Levitra. I guess I need to realize EVERYTHING was a lie and try to move on. I felt such relief when I finally got him out of my life, but I’m still thinking about him and wondering. I try to read and watch tv as much as I can, but I still think about him.
Confused,
Each person deals with stress in a different way. I did NEED to investigate, found MANY lies, and now have a full Arsenal of memories and discoveries to keep me from loving him, caring about him, or even considering any type of contact. The PI is a great thing. I believe that when we have evidence to our sanity it is ALWAYS a great thing.
Katya
Yes I am looking to be justified but how much “evidence” do I need??? I’m unsure of my motives here. I am second guessing all my decisions lately. I want to throw something back in his face to let him know I KNOW it was all a lie if or when he tries to get back into my life. The car show thing threw me big time. I can’t believe how shook up I was.
if you feel that PI would help you get stronger, I say money isn’t the main thing to worry about. This to me is a question of closure. As with any grief, you are likely to go back and forth between stages, and finally close one only to open another. What ever is healing in the process and legal, will only help your cause. That’s my take on it.
Confused,
I agree with Katya that people deal with stress in different ways. It sounds like she was able to use the info to make her angrier and add it to her arsenal. Personally, I know that finding out any more lies will hurt even if I try to prepare myself for it. Sure, after the hurting subsides I’d have that info to add, but like you said, how much evidence do you need? If you are questioning your motives, I would at least hold off on the PI until you are sure that you are not just trying to have an excuse to break NC.
I understand wanting to throw something back in his face, but I played that game already for a long time while I was with the S. Always going back because I wanted to win. It’s only now that I’ve decided to cut my losses that I am starting to heal. You don’t need anything to throw back at him when he tries to return. That’s what he expects, you’d be playing his game. You just not talking to him will send the message loud and clear. Think how baffled he’ll be when he comes around and you decide not to give him the time of day.
Even if you are still hurting and thinking about him all of the time, he doesn’t need to know that. (I understand that part too. I think about my stupid S constantly, but it’s getting better…now and then I go a few minutes where I forget him.) By throwing it back in his face the only message he would receive was that you are still hurt and still letting him get to you.