What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
JANE SMITH
Read your last post – so supportive and kind. Thank you.
You are right about ‘normal’ relationships. I had a boyfriend many years ago , before, the S, it only lasted 6 months – his wife had left him because she ‘decided’ she was a lesbian, only to change her mind once he got involved elsewhere many many months after she’d dumped him (funny it was when he started ‘dating’ someone else – oh! that old chestnut that Ss use to control – tugging on the rein). He was a smart guy and refused to be drawn back. Anyway, I had a very sweet time with Julian – he always treated me with the utmost respect and when it became clear that we weren’t long term material, it ended very naturally and with honesty and both sides. I stung for maybe a week or two but had complete acceptance that neither of us had caused the other any damage and am still able to treasure the happy memories of our ‘brief encounter’. Your post reminded me of this when you talked about ‘normal relationships’ – thanks.
Made the decsion that over the weekend, I could do nothing about all the finanaical worries (in the wake of the ‘disaster’ of the S) and spent my time with good friends – had some nice company, some nice food, a little wine and lots of laughter – maybe for ALL OF US – we just have to work on the premis that AT THE MOMENT, we have to embrace the good on offer and ignore the S**t – if only for a short while – it’s certainly lifted my spirits.
CONFUSED
Know where you’re at doll – my S text me on what would have been our 4 year anniversary last year to remind me of the date! Oh, how it all could have been soooo different – he was dating one of his other women and promising her Nivarna (I found out later) – it’s just their pathetic way of trying to keep control. He’d like to think you’re still ‘insurance’ in case the supply dries up elsewhere – pathetic – so transparent – don’t be fooled but don’t be depressed either – you’re in charge. As for ‘Rawtube’ – it’s laughable – take a leaf out of their book – be arrogant – take the moral high ground – gain strength from HIS weakness – he’s scurrying around, trying to dig up company and someone to fulfill his shallow needs on some disgusting porn website (no doubt he’ll find some damaged half-formed human to collude with). Do you need to do this? Look at your friendships/relationships – I am sure you have decent, genuine lovely friends to spend time with – does he? You’re the bigger, better and more evolved person – this has always helped me reconcile things when I have found out about his ‘revolting’ activities.
It’s good days and bad days – and early days for both of us. Don’t feel bad about thinking ‘I’m better than you’ – I am not an advocate of thinking I am better than anyone but I KNOW all of us here of LF are better than this low life scum!
‘Let go and let JANE SMITH’!
Jill Smith
The ‘mundane’ -very telling. They can never embrace the joy of the everyday ‘gifts’ – like one’s babies, family. They are often adrenaline junkies – been around the mountain climbers, bikers, skydivers – for most of us it’s a thrill of something different – I have done these things and they were ‘PART OF’ my life, for a while – something I did to experience – they didn’t define who I was – same for the majority of people – just ‘experiences’ – for the addictive personaliities like Ss, it’s about the ‘look at me’ – that’s what’s really behind it – pathetic………. half-formed – prats!
Endthepain
Disgusting human being! The measure of the man is how he treats his family. Don’t waste your time agonising over this low-life. You’ll never understand him, you’ll never get a satisfactory conclusion. You’re NOT wrong in making a decison based ont he best interests of your child. Why poison his/her life and have it blighted by the dramas of this creep – they just keep going, if you let me. Shut him down is what I say. Every child needs a father (ideally) but no child needs the influence of an S. Stay strong.
Escapee.
Sorry – 4th line – ‘if you let them’……. typos!
Done to Confused
I couldn’t have put it better myself! Any chink – they’ll use to their advantage. What they HATE most is to be ignored – that’s your power! Doesn’t matter that you want JUSTICE, doesn’t matter how much you want them to know JUST HOW MUCH THEY’VE HURT YOU, HOW UNFAIR THEY’VE TREATED YOU – it all goes over their head. Any contact – they can’t differentiate between positive and negative – is their opportunity for control. They see ‘communication’ has an OPPORTUNITY to continue to exploit your good nature.
Night folks and thanks for your support.
Escapee…thank you…as I have been agonizing about today and not having my 3 tr old call…but again…he is 3..why should I….I felt guilty as I have now drawn the boundaries and its foreign I am still learning…..Plus I have never not acknowledged Fathers day before. I am now taking my son the aquarium and to dinner to enjoy the day/night..without any worry…: )
Happy Fathers Day to all the good daddies ..why hire a private eye – have we not seen enough – every thing I ever suspected that he did has come back to prove my intuition was right. I had clear evidence on his whoring around and when I proved to him I was right he said “So what – I was a honest guy until you fucked me over” and I believed that lie as well…there is NOTHING you can do to prove a point or get even or make them feel guilty or bad for their behavior Nothing…..~~~~!!! The only weapon we have is NO CONTACT – we take away THEIR power over US when we do not interact with them – and that really lets them know that we know how rotten they are – and when we have that power they become like the snakes they are and slither away if and when they see the powerful people we are – no contact is like a cross to a vampire – no contact is our ultimate salvation…well I fell better …..
henry….I am so sorry for your story..I dont believe I have ever shared personally with you…but you are so rightt and coming here and reading all of this truly reinforces the NC..and taking back your own power..Its hard when you have children..and in the above poosts if you have tread..I have been agonizing today about not having my son call the S father….like I feel guiltyy…but he isnt even seeing him or calling him or paying support…so I feel any acknowledgement on our behalf mine or my sons is not deservable…I bel;ieve ignoring him today serves the message and the purpose that he is NOT a father in any sense of the word
Thanks henry and happy Father’s day to you too.
Been thinking about you and Jim in Indiana (I think that’s right) and hope you both having a good father’s day.
For me, having my two boys 365 day a year is father’s day here everyday.LOL..
Have a good one guys and if I missed anyone sorry! but belated Father’s day to you too.
Jill Smith,
Sorry to have confused you. It was not my intention. I was musing on something Fraud said years back. He said that if humans are successful at controlling their aggressive urges, the most aggressive ones choose positions of police, military, mountain climbing, surgeons, etc. I may not remember correctly, but the gist was that Fraud believed all humans to be evil at their core, with very primitive instincts governing their behaviors. If your X were not PhD mountain climber, he may have turned out even worse than he did. Working with the Genetic pool our children are given, I believe it is best to help steer their energies and their love for the thrill into more socially acceptable norms. I was not at all commenting on your post, but instead musing on something I had learned in Psych Courses. Sorry for the confusion
JaneSmith, I read the post you wrote to Henry about not being so special. I’m with Henry on this one. I have gone to bed with some phrase you wrote me and went to sleep with a smile on my face. You have a gift for encouragement.
And Henry, you too. Both of you write feedback — to me and everyone else — that I treasure.