What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Confused2 I dont know your story but I am sure it is like most of us here. Gettin him out of your mind is not going to happen over nite. I am at one and half years and he still floats around in my mind. It is more of an annoyance than pain or that feeling of loss. I have accepted that the impact he had on my life was huge. So it happened, I can not undo it. Sometimes I focus on the things that I liked about him, the few good things he did. If I focus on the evil I get angry and kinda fall back..At times I can make myself not think of him, kinda like OK change thoughts….I can say it does not hurt anymore – havent cried about it in a long time. I can function again. Laugh, eat, have hopes and dreams again with out him in them. I remember one time I said I was going to stick the water hose in my ears and flush him out of my mind. I am not obsessed with him, I have grown weary of trying to get him out of my mind, so I just let him rest there, like a little cancer that is getting smaller and smaller and maybe someday he will just desovle into nothing…just accept that this happened and it is always going to be a part of your life, but that does not mean we can not move forward or grow stronger — time and no contact – life does go on and that horrible confusion you have will go away – I promise..
Henry,
Your post was to Confused2, but I’m also dealing with trying get the P out of my mind. This was insightful. I think the camparison to it turning into a little cancer getting smaller and smaller is good. I can’t wait until it starts getting smaller and smaller. Right now, it’s still all-consuming for me and need to get past it, for my son’s sake. Well, and for my sake too.
Escapee,
Good question. I don’t know how I came “out the other side” and I don’t think I’m all that intact. However, I survived it and that’s what matters. Now I’m working on getting past it, but it’s all very recent. I basically have no contact with him or any family or friends (with the exception of two trusted ones)so that no one can slip up and tell him where I am. I’m isolated though and that comes at a heavy emotional price. We have to pay such a price for a physical safety, don’t we?
Ahhh. . .the superficial veneer of sophistication. . .I know that well. Our Ps sound similar. Yes, I do know what you mean. You’re right—it’s all about winning and being superior. Do you find yourself being repulsed by people with huge egos now? I avoid them like the plague now.
Dear Confused2:
I only dated my S for 2 months. It took me several more months and a few consultations with counselors to be convinced of what he was. This is the “bargaining” stage of grieving, when you think “maybe….what if…..”
I wish I could save you the trouble. If I could, I would just say that this is how you know he was a sociopath: You are here. Therefore, he is a sociopath. No one stumbles here by accident.
I am a very bright, mature woman who considers herself a great judge of character. I have nearly a masters in Psychology. And yet he fooled me into thinking he was in love with me. I was totally incredulous when the game-playing and discarding started. I had never seen anything like it. I thought it was because of his head injury that made him a little soft in the head. Turns out even his head injury was a lie. These guys (or women) are masters. The most dangerous deceptions are the totally seamless ones. Sorry you have to be a member of this club.
Just a comment about the original article: I spoke with my S several times on the phone before we met. I remember him telling me how bored he was on several occasions. I remember saying to him: Why don’t you take a walk or something? This type of intense boredom is strange to me. When I’m lucky enough to have lots of free time, I can never find enough things to fill it with. Even just resting and meditating are satisfying. His boredom struck me as odd right away.
I learned after the fact that he COULDN’T go take a walk because he was faking a disability to get out of the army. He was pretending he could not walk without a walker. I realized in retrospect, our 2-month relationship in which he told me he was in love with me and wanted to spend his life with me was just something to kill the boredom for a few months. He then later became obsessed with collecting snakes at an exponential rate, even though he wasn’t even supposed to have reptiles on the army base. It creeped me out.
For anyone here who is new and who is struggling to understand the mind of a sociopath, you will have to learn to wrap your mind around the unthinkable. It’s hard, and in the end, all you may come away with is that they are really really bad people and you need to stay away from them.
I guess what I’m having a problem with is that I wanted him desperatly out of my life and now that he is gone I’m still thinking about him nearly every waking moment. I’m obessed with him STILL. If I didn’t have LF to vent and validate my thoughts and feelings I fear that I may have gone back to him. And just six months ago I never gave this person a second thought. It amazes me how he got into my head and twisted around so quickly.
Stargazer,
I really like the way you put that into words….”You have to learn to wrap your mind around the unthinkable”.
I think you nailed it right on the head.
confused – your reaction is normal – I wanted my X out of my life more than anything – it was hell living with him – all I could think was if I can just get him out I will be ok – BUT I was not prepared for the emotions that came after he left – it was such a huge feeling of loss that did not make sense – why would I want someone back that had threatened to harm me? I think we realize they had us under a twisted spell – it takes time to stop spinning….just know that you are free and peace will come..
I so hope you are right. I realize it’s only been a few weeks and that it takes time. But there are moments that I think if he came back I would actually let him. These moments are brief but I do have them. I have remained NC and for that I am proud of myself. But I do find myself still looking for him. I have all the closure I’m going to get. Yet I still look for some kind of explaination or apology. I remind myself, I’m FREE. And then a sense of relief comes over me. I wish my emotions would stay there, but then I start thinking and remembering etc.
I remember where you are now and I just hung on to lovefraud and read and read. I recommend (Meaning from Madness) by Richard Skerritt…the whole involvement with a S has a Twilight Zone or Encounter of the Worst Kind effect on our minds. You are totally twisted like a pretzel right now, at just a few weeks out. There was not much anybody could say or do for me back then. I went to a therapist and a physciatrist and months and months of rehashing it back and forth. Plus I had OXY there too hold my hand and boink me with her skillit… I feel so sorry for you – there were people that promised me I would be OK – and I am. Changed forever but OK////