What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Confusde2 and henry:
This is exactly how I felt during these past holidays. Out of nowhere, after a year and 1/2 of no contact, BOOM! These feelings came from nowhere. I had no idea that these feelings were even lying dormant in my mind somewhere.
Actually, as I reflect on this, I did have these feelings for a few days after my baby was born. I think it’s because he looked like his father and it seemed like he should be there experiencing it too. I also think I had “the baby blues” that many women get for a couple of weeks after having a baby. They were much too strong from me to ignore over these past holidays though. I got to the point where I just couldn’t stand our baby being away from him. Normally, I couldn’t conceive wanting my baby to be around someone so dangerous, then I became obsessed with the idea that I was robbing both of them of a relationship with each other. I learned the hard way that no dad is better than a bad dad for some extreme cases.
I just hope that feeling of thinking I need him never comes back again. I would never even be able to admit to most people that I ever had these feelings. I was ashamed and it made me feel crazy that I ever still had feelings for someone who wants me dead. I feel a little better to know that other people have gone through this. Thank you for sharing these emotions.
Now, I just need to get better to prevent myself from feeling this way again, or know how to properly deal with these sick feelings if they come back. I guess coming face to face with these emotions and being able to openly admit I had them on this board is a step in the right direction. If I’m actively dealing with these complex emotions, then maybe they won’t sneak up on me “out of nowhere” again. I hope.
I’ve been reading LF everyday, sometimes several times a day. It feels like someone is holding my hand, someone who has been there and made it through the other side so to speak. About an hour ago I was thinking about him and the summer he promised me and now I’m not going to have, and then I realized that it was ALL lies. But I was going to take him on two vacations (all on me of course) and that’s what he is going to miss out on, not to mention all the attention and affection I gave him. Maybe I should stop thinking about what I’m missing and think about what he is missing by lying to me. Is this healthy or am I deluding myself once again. Any thoughts?
confused2
Interesting but one Dr. suggested whenever we get ants (*Automatic Negative Thoughts) we should divert our thoughts on something else like a hobby or a program on TV if we don’t wish to deal with them at this time. The Dr. also commented how ants lie and they lie a lot so we need to be careful and should at times challenge them. I also believe this can work whenever we start to think about breaking NC and/or thinking “what would happen if he/she walked through that door or called me”. LF can be this diversion and can also help to reconfirm what we already know. That this person is “toxic” for I and anyone he/she comes into contact with. I can understand how LF could for some help to bring one back into the light of reality saving one from the darkness and the pain of the unreality.
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http://ezinearticles.com/?ANTS—Automatic-Negative-Thoughts&id=1927693
Confused2,
I’m sorry that you are having such a hard time getting him out of your head. I know just what you are going through. I think about my S constantly. I used to think about him so much I thought I had OCD, and it would just exhaust me. I would obsess and obsess until I’d end up calling him or worse. I used to (and still do) pray for all my thoughts about him to just GO AWAY! I was constantly exhausted and drained from thinking about him all of the time.
Then I found this article that really helped me. I didn’t read the article James left above but I think it must be similar. http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/Emotional%20Memory.html
Anyway, this has helped me to take some control over my thoughts. It’s been about 7 weeks no contact for me now, and I still think about the S WAY WAY WAY more than I would like to. BUT, I have also found myself busy and then realize, ‘wow I didn’t think about him for an hour or two.’ When I do start to think about him I try to put that file away quickly (in the article) and it seems to have helped a lot. I think w/o it I would have broke NC by now. I am hoping it can only get better. Hang in there!
Confused 2:
You broke up with this man 3 weeks? ago? That means your pain is really fresh, and you are still reeling from what this man did to you.
It has been said to infinity, but time really does heal all wounds, so just give yourself plenty of time and space.
It is GREAT that you found this site. That means you know what you are dealing with.
“But there are moments that I think if he came back, I would actually let him.”
This could happen, because you are still really vulnerable and it has only been 3 weeks, and I can tell from your posts that you still think of him romantically. If it happens, DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER IT!! It happens! It happened to me for years. That’s how some of us have to learn.
But, that is definitely the HARD ROAD. And things will only get worse on this path. That is another thing to remember when dealing with the sociopath: THINGS CAN ALWAYS GET WORSE THAN WHAT THEY ARE. So, don’t ever think things can’t get any worse, because a sociopath will always prove you wrong on that score.
No Contact is the way to go, and the longer you are in it, the less chance you will go back to him, or let him come back to you.
“Yet I still look for some type of explanation or apology.”
It is probably best to give up this notion. You will never get an explanation or apology from this man. You have a better chance of finding the Holy Grail. In fact, the words “I’m sorry” seldom come out of the mouth of a sociopath, UNLESS there is something to be gained.
“I wish my emotions would just stay there, but then I start thinking and remembering, etc.”
Confused, I have not seen my ex-S in YEARS, and I still think about him and remember him, at times. I no longer have any feelings for him, and I know that he will never be in my life again. But, I cannot help but remember him. And, I am pretty sure if I saw him again, my stomach would turn and my blood pressure would spike, etc. He made quite an impression on me, and not in a good way. But, he was a masterful teacher in that he taught me the difference between what is real and what is fake. Now, I know.
He was a fake. The next man, GOD WILLING, will be REAL.
A cubic zirconia looks a lot like a real diamond, but it is still a fake. Do you know what I mean? Only a real diamond can cut through glass. The sociopath is the cubic zirconia of the human race. Looks great on the surface. But, upon further inspection, nothing really there at all.
P.S. Although, I must say that I LOVE my cubic zirconia jewelry, because it is set in 14K gold and no one can tell the difference! 🙂 NO OFFENSE cubic zirconia!!
I was just making an analogy to help confused2 deal with the sociopath on a human level. 🙂
Confused,
I also understand about thinking about what you’re “missing out on.” Mine is having his 40th bday on Sunday. I also bought tickets to see U2 in Chicago in September with the S. Now I have the stupid tickets and I’ve been unable to sell them so far. I’m just going to try to keep busy on his b-day and remember that whatever ‘plans’ I had dreamed up my head would have been ruined by some kind of drama anyway. It is annoying how you can grieve for something that never happened and was just an illusion though, isn’t it?
Rosa,
LOL I would be offended if I were cubic zirconia being compared to these people. CZ is way better than Ps and Ss (but I still like the analogy).
Thanks for reminding us: “THINGS CAN ALWAYS GET WORSE THAN WHAT THEY ARE. So, don’t ever think things can’t get any worse, because a sociopath will always prove you wrong on that score.”
That is SOOOO TRUE! I always used to think, ‘how could this get any worse?’ and he would ALWAYS come up with some new way to shock me.
CONFUSED What you are missing is the illusion of love. He was not real – he mirrored you and became what you wanted him to be – like a parrot he said all the right things to keep you hooked – and he had you around his little finger until you caught on to his game and when he knew he could not hide his evilness anymore he moved on to fresh humanity that does not bear the mark of his tortured soul – they do not like what they are and the only way they can escape that is to become someone else – but it’s only temporary – the evilness is always there, they can only pretend to be good for just so long…
Whoops hit post by accident…
Just when I thought nothing would surprise me, he’d do something so unthinkable and inexplicable. I hate to admit that part of me was probably addicted to the highs/lows and the drama of it all. I was always so shocked and angry. I was always surprised with his actions. I know that sounds stupid since I should have never been surprised, and I was never really ‘surprised’ by his a-holeness, but I was repeatedly shocked by it. The only certainty was that he’d consistently come up with something even more outrageous than he had before.
Done:
I feel like I have just slandered the Cubic Zirconia!! 🙁
1000 apologies to Cubic Zirconia!!!!
It is perfectly wonderful and fine to have lots of cubic zirconia in the “jewelry arena”..In fact, I recommend it.
When the psychopath comes at you on the street, pulls a knife on you and demands your jewels, the joke is on him! 🙂
Just keep the “cubic zirconia humans” out of your home, checkbook, & bed. 🙂