What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
I will read both articles. Yes I realize I was in love with a illusion. He was to good to be true and I even told him so. He must have laughed his butt off with some of my texts and phone calls. Towards the end I started to get the vibe that I was just a game or a distraction to him. That’s when I started to do a little checking up on him. I found out more about him in twelve hours of looking than I did in five months of being with him. Yes I did turn a deaf ear to the “little lies”, I justified everything he did. I told him a few days before I broke off with him, that I was so far from the person I used to be five months ago. And he smirked and said “I really twisted you around”. And he seemed proud of it. My gut instinct told me to get away from this person while I could think somewhat straight. He was, and sadly still is, deep into my head. But at least I don’t have to deal with him and his “issues” any longer. Thank you out there for letting me vent.
Done
U2 ticket! Wow, you should take a friend hate to see them go to waste. Plus I didn’t know U2 had planned a concert in Chicago in September. Well, there is always something going on in this city. One good thing about Chicago. oh, plus the transit (CTA) system that’s okay too. And the lake front, love the view, guess there a lot..LOL..
I cant even stop crying I am SOOOOO angry with myself…after a few months of NC with the S and his mother …I gave in today out of guilt and spoke to the S’s mom..in regards to our 3 yr old son…….I AM SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF!!! even after explaining that the S has not been in contact with his son for quite sometime and that she had established a relationship with our son from the day he was born…despite the absence of the S…I told her she could talk to my son as long as she didnt mention the s’s name….
what a slap in the face when I actually force my son to call her…as I am trying to be nice…..she doesnt say his name as I asked her not to …but says….so…have you talked to you know who??? hello what the F…..Im so mad..could that be a bigger slap in the face SOOOOOOO condescending….she didnt like that she was on speaker phone either..and cut me off anytime I tried to explain what he was saying..as he is only 3….Im so livid…why couldnt I have just kept NC with her..I dont need this and dont want it….
Rosa,
Got it! Real CZ is good on your wallet. Real Diamonds are not. Human Diamonds are good for your soul. Human CZ is not.
James,
Thing is, I don’t live in Chicago. I live in Dallas but the concert here was sold out. So after the S begged me and promised that if I got tickets he would go with me (actually used the word promise, something he rarely did) I bought the Chicago tix bc my S is from Chicago and always would speak so highly of it. They are actually having 2 shows, one on Sat and one on Sunday. If I find someone interested perhaps I’ll go, but right now I could use the money more than a vacation that will undoubtedly bring up all those “I should be with the S right now” feelings. –I would like to go check out the city though, I’ve only been once and I loved it.
Endthepain,
That is infuriating! Try not to be upset, and just use it as a reminder of why you were in NC in the first place. It sounds to me like you should be NC with the mom as well. Even if she isn’t an S herself, she obviously doesn’t see her son for his true colors. There’s no reason your son should have to deal with her or his father. Just think of it as a little slip, brush yourself off and continue on the NC path. (i know easier said than done)
Feel better! xxx-ooo
Oh Done, sorry thought you were another one here at LF that lives in Chicago. Well maybe you can sell them on Ebay?
Please tell me your s didn’t come back to Chicago? We got enough of them here in this big city. Chicago itself is a perfect place for an S to hide and there are plenty of Possible victims/sources.
Done..Thanks its so hard…now the S just called and left a message for him…and I cant stand his voice..I even asked my son if he wanted to call back and he said no!! Im so angry as this is just not normal..he creates havoc everywhere…and he thinks he can just come in and out of his life like he dam well pleases!!!IVe been in NC with him as well..everything pertaining to my son has been thru writing….oh…I just cant stand this!!
endthepain
I remember those “phone calls”.. How I hated them. Damn I use to sleep with the phone never knowing what time/date she would call. And each time it was mostly about one thing “her property”. It would upset me and the kids to no end. You think she would ask about the boys? This bugged me so much! Yes, sometimes (a few times) asked about the boy but never knowing the time or date when she did call they were asleep or out with friends. Still when they (boys) were home they refused to talk with her anyway. I felt struck like between a rock and a hard place.
Of course this was 3 years ago and she doesn’t have our phone number today. But boy do I remember those times so I can really feel for you. Whenever children get caught up with this it’s hard as nails to have complete NC..
Endthepain,
I’m so sorry and angry for you! It sounds like your son is a smart one, not wanting to call back. I’m sure the mom called and put your S up to phoning you. If I were you I’d just make sure to keep checking the caller id and don’t answer for any of the s-family.
James,
As far as I know Chicago is still free from my S. I think he’s still right here in the Big D, which is not big enough for the both of us. Although he was supposed to move (in with me), I suspect if he moved anywhere it was in with his new girlfriend. If she ever gets enough strength to kick him out I imagine he will move to Palo Alto to live with his father, whom I haven’t met but seems to have very S-like ‘qualities’ as well. So–watch out California!
James..Done…anyone….do I have to respond to his message…my son is 3 and flatly says he doesnt want to call him back….do I need to do anything..tell him…he just calls out of the blue like there is nothing wrong….uuuummm hello…despite the fact u havent called……you havent paid support in 8 months and you are taking me back to court and LYING!!! Im so mad!!!!