What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
End,
My vote is NOWAY! You mentioned all communication is supposed to be in writing anyway (did I read that right?) so I don’t see that any good would come from returning his call. Hit ‘Delete’ and forget about it 🙂
What is he taking you to court for? I don’t see how he could win anything when he hasn’t been paying his support. What a worthless human being.
I’m headed to bed soon, so if I don’t get back to you tonight I’ll check tomorrow.
Done..he is taking me back to court to modify his support….UNBELIEVABLE!!! we have no visitation or custody yet!!
and also..not only that I came home to having my gas shut off…and I dont have the money for my electricity bill..so that will be shut off tomorrow….and my son’s school tuition…will bounce this week…but he goes on his merry lil way!!!
endthepain
Well, one has the right to limit calls I would believe? If one received call after call I believe this might be seen (legally) as harassment. I remember once back in 2006 how she called us 3 times (it was the one of the boys birthday) and just let the phone ring and ring. Because J didn’t wish to talk with his mother I just unplugged the phone. I later found out she call my son’s friend and lie to him stating she was driving around town and wonder why no one was answering the phone when in fact she was calling from another state altogether. But I believe you sure be able to (might be better to get this in writing from your lawyer) limit the calls and time of these call. They are having a negative effect on you which is only adding stress upon the already stressful situation you are trying to deal with.
These are my two cents but legally don’t really know.
End, I am crying right with you. calling these bastards back is useless, I’ve been there. Perhaps, you can tell your attorney this incident and it can further show the court that your son has no real bond with his father and maybe, the visitations will go to your favor. I say Do Not delete the message, simply don’t listen to it. In case he comes back saying that the phone call was about settlement of $$$ or schedule, and you were unresponsive, you can let the court listen to the message, and having told the attorney or another witness that your son did not want to talk to his Dad, you’d be able to share the truth (G-d I hope they will listen)
“we have no visitation or custody yet!!”
Okay.. then
You should be able to tell him what time to call and to call only once. You have your hands full with the bills school and your child. If he says anything about the law, tell him we talk about that at court. Then say bye.
Your son is still in his “tender” years so this care is a full time job. But don’t expect him to understand this. Yes, endthepain I can understand why you are under so much stress. I wouldn’t answer the phone after a certain hour or time of the day. And limit the calls to only once a day or if you can only twice a week. This might help limit the stress on you.
I so sorry but these people use phones like weapons..
Wish I could help more.. 🙁
Its just sick when you have the S disappear and abandon his son and then reappear and now I have the S and his Mom on me..its not like they are harrasssing its just that we are set to go back to court and I have tried to be nice and do things by the book …but now I am establishing FIRMLY things are on my terms now! today was a mistake I took about 50 steps back…and I am mad as HELL!!
endthepain
Wish I could be of more help. It’s hard when there is a child involved and as single parent this is something I know too well. Your feeling are justifiable because of all the stress related to your duties of an mother and all you financial burden. Please keep in touch and hope things get better. Also remember to document anything and how you are struggling financially and how important your child support is for your child.
Because the child is still in his tenders years (talk to your lawyer about this) you have a good case to maintain sole custody if that is something you are hoping for. Custody issues can be modified (ask your lawyer about sole custody vs joint custody) at anytime so you might want to ask your lawyer about that as well.
Good luck
endthepain,
It’s good that you are mad. One of these days, you’ll look back at today and wonder why you even tried to do him and his mother any favors. There is no evidence that either of them is concerned about you. You don’t owe them any more than that.
If you don’t have an agreement in place, do what your attorney tells you to do. If your attorney isn’t advising you in that kind of detail, do the absolute minimum. Don’t look for ways to be “nice” or “fair.” Look for ways to drop a wall of silence. Don’t talk to him. Don’t share any information at all. This is not just about you going NC. This is about cutting off his ability to learn anything he can use against you, and cutting off any emotional rewards he gets from driving you crazy.
If your son doesn’t want to talk with him, don’t press him. He’s little and he shouldn’t be involved in this grown-up drama any sooner than he has to be. You may not be able to insulate him forever, because the custody agreement may require some contact, but for the moment enjoy your ability to control things on your end. Don’t call back unless you have a reason for yourself. (Though I don’t know what that would be.) If the phone rings, consider it a mosquito and ignore it.
For both your sake, you don’t want to create an atmosphere of fear around that phone. It’s your phone. You control it. You can even unplug it, if he’s bothering you.
All of this is going to bother you a lot less over time. And you will get better at thinking no and saying no, setting down ground rules if it’s necessary to talk with him at all. and making your entire relationship about minimizing contact.
Your experience with his mother was a lesson. Now you know. Again, you owe her as much loyalty as she shows toward you. She gave you a good piece of information about that.
Above all, if you want control over your own life, don’t waffle about it. Just take it. That means don’t call back unless one of you wants to talk with him. If you don’t, don’t.
When you get the custody agreement, follow it to the letter, and not one inch more. This is your life. He is a hindrance, that’s all. A burden to you both. Keep it that burden as light on you as you can, so you can get on with the rest of your life.
Kathy
Kathy
JillSmith
Re your last post. I haven’t had to do the physical removal although, a times, I have wishes I coud just up-sticks and move somewhere else so there was no chance of me seeing him but have managed to retrieve all my friendships from before he came along (I allowed him to isolate me from so many people that I had known for years – some just kept their distance because, as they told me later, they ‘couldn’t stand the arrogant little “f*** (sorry) – their words – mine too if I’m honest).
And yes, I am very watchful when I come into contact with new people in ANY situation – I run the other way when I see that arrogant superiority – funny though, I am finding that I don’t seem to run into it very often these days. Maybe once you change your outlook, you give off something that no longer attracts them into your space – all a bit ‘Bhuddist’ – I think but heh ho, whatever works – I’ll adopt any mechanism to keep them away from me!
It’s so awful you feel so isolated. Perhaps, as you get stronger (and you will), you may see opportunities to be with new and decent people – you’ve been very brave in taking the deceision to protect yourself and family from this ‘evil’ Bad Man. Well done – you’ve come further than you think.
All love to you.