What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Confused
Would you indulge me and read the following ? I ask you this because I hope it might help you to realise that you have actually been very smart to get yourself out of this horrible relationship before it got any worse (As Rosa said above – don’t underestimate how much worse it can get if you hang around – or words to that effect) – here goes.
I had the S in my life for 4 years. After the 1st year, I tried to break it off with him but he pursued me relentlessly and I caved in – this happened several more times before I finally ‘outed’ all his lies and cheating AND conning. Unfortunately, by the time I did, I had been so weakened that I was almost totally isolated from my loved ones and friends I had known for years. I had gone from having a well paid job, to unable to work and function effectively. He had conned me into paying for holidays, gifts and all sorts of things (even though he was extremely ‘well off’ himself). I had a very small mortage on my home which was covered by investments that would pay it off in 2012. I had not debt and owned outright my car etc etc (no finance).
I am now in £107,000 worth of debt beause of my time with him. Last night I had to swallow my pride and go to my Invesement Club (I’ve been a member for almost 9 years and was investing money so that I could give my adult children finanical hlep when they came to marry/buy properties etc). I had to go before these very kind and lovely people and tell them that I needed to ‘pull’ my share. This had implications for 7 other people. They were so very kind and understanding – no one asked me any awkward questions, they were eager to assist.
I managed to hold it all together at the time but I came home and broke my heart (1) because, everything I had worked for has been totally compromised (2) because I feel I have let my children down (3) Because I was so overwhelmed with the thoughtfulness, understanding and eagerness to help of such ‘decent’ people, that I am still lucky enough to have in my life.
My point to you is this:
If you are tempted to go back/have contact with the S – this is potentially what is waiting for you. Emotional and possibly financial ruin (you said in a previous post both he and his S daughter conned you giving them money) – it would have gained momentum if you had stuck around – I guarantee it.
MAKE yourself get any thoughts about how good he made you feel at times out of your head, because misery was always just around the corner – these people are TRULY EVIL and they not only don’t care about the consequences for the people they con (if they think about it at all), I believe they actually get some gratituitous pleasure in knowing that they have damaged you.
Do whatever it takes Confused and put as many good people and friends around you as you can while you work your way through this – they don’t have to know your every waking thought – but the positive energy of decent folk will assist in your healing – that’s what I learned last night – it restores your faith, not only in the human race, but also in yourself – this morning, instead of dwelling on all the mess I have to try and work through and what that GIT did, I have been thinking – those friends in my investment club were in my life long before he was – so the person I was back then made ‘good choices’ and judged the company she kept very well – I like her – well here’s the rub – SHE IS STILL IN THERE and I intend to keep working on retrieving her – so when you say ‘he twisted you’ – yeh he did. Learn from it – grow from it and DON’T stop believing in your true essence – you got ‘side-tracked, blindsided and conned’ – he only ‘wins’ (we all know how they love winning) if you stay introverted and your mind locked on him. Work on freeing yourself. Don’t beat yourself up and don’t look back. You’re smart. You got out early. Well done you. Keep going and keep posting here for strength.
All love
Confused/Everyone
Sorry to hog but meant to mention – this helps me:-
I have post-its with little thoughts dotted in various places to encourage me to stay strong and move forwarde (inside cupboard doors etc).
Here’s a couple that help me:-
“When you’re going through hell – keep going!”
“Some people cause happiness wherever they go, others WHENEVER, they go”.
Small things, I know – but they help me along and make me smile (even when I don’t want to).
Love.
“
End
In the Uk, the utility companies cannot shut off your supply if you have a ‘minor’ – make some calls and check this out if it’s the same where you are. I know it’s not much help but just in case no one’s suggested it.
I really feel for you dolly – what you’re being put through is horrendous. Do whatever you need to protect yourself and your baby – no 3 year old should ‘have’ to make a decision for themselves about an S – he/she’s only a a ‘teeny’ – their parents are supposed to protect them not subject them to what this S is doing. Be proud that you’re a good mummy and put this little person and yourself before that IDIOT and his interests (you note I don’t say ‘feelings’ because he doesn’t have any).
My thoughts are with you. All love to you darling – I’ll check later in the hope you’ll let us all now how you’re doing (I’m on UK time – so my posts probably look like I’m some kind of insomniac – well yeh – been there too!).
My (ex) SP had been telling me for years that life was boring. Even now he says those same words. I wish I could understand his mind. How can life’s simple pleasures be so awful to him. Yes, life is boring sometimes, but I am still very content in those moments. If I could have just one wish, it would be to be able to go inside his head for just 1 day.
As for Confused comment… a big part of the control comes from the emotional roller coasters they put us on. They keep us hanging on to the rush of when things are good. It’s the circle of abuse. And I used to feed off it like it was the best drug known to man. (Honestly, I still get emotionally caught up even when we don’t speak). It’s a hard road that gets easier every step you take. You just have to realize how much better your life will be once he’s gone. Because then you will have room for that incredible guy that you have been waiting to find.
I am learning how to be content in being single. There are moments I get lonely and cry about my ex, but for the most part I am happy and beginning to relive my life one day at time.
Thank you Steve for your article. Reading it helped me see a little more clearly that it’s not me… it’s him.
Escapee
Wow. I did the same thing putting up little postes by the home phone reminding me to say and what not to say. One was “give as little information as possible”. These were good reminder whenever I had to talk with her on the phone.
Confused,
What you are going through is totally normal. I only dated my S for 2 months, but it took the good part of a year to really kick him out of my head and my heart. Waves of feeling came and went (though less and less frequently) for a long time. There is no substitute for time unfortunately. Three weeks after I went NC with him, he stalked me at a reptile show. He followed me around and stood beside me everywhere I went. I was very stoic, turning my back and ignoring him. I’m very proud of the way I behaved. But I went home and cried my eyes out because I hoped deep down that perhaps it was a sign that he still loved me. Thank God I had the presence of mind to call a counselor and tell her the story. She told me point blank that what he had done was just a power play, and that he was a bad man. I still struggled with NC for several months. I kept thinking of ways to bring him back into my life by proxy.
I know you will be able to relate to this….there was something about him that got under my skin right away. It was as if he was just meant to be my soul mate. This feeling and the type of person I thought he was that was worthy to be my husband. It took about 3 weeks to start feeling it, but then it happened very quickly and I felt powerless after that point to slow it down or stop it. I can still conjure up that feeling if I try, though it no longer has a hold on me like it used to. He did an astounding job of getting me to fall in love with him, and even my friends who met him loved him. They believed he was the man I’d marry.
When I found out the truth I was just shocked and couldn’t believe it. I tried to look for signs that it wasn’t true. I stayed in this bargaining phase for several months. The important thing for you to remember is that your mind will trick you over and over into thinking maybe he really does love you. You will climb the walls wanting to contact him. Don’t do it. The faster you make the decision to go no contact permanently, the quicker your recovery will be.
Dear BabyNyn,
you are so right there, being “alone” is OK, in fact, i think that it is only when we get to the point that we are OK ALONE that we are really ready for another relationship because we are NO LONGER “needy” and will settle for anything. I know that was my situation for sure when I hooked up with the psychopath after my husband died. NEEEEEEEDY and I felt like I was drowning and I fell for the first log floating down the river, only it turned out to be an alligator!
OxDrover,
Just wanted to drop an Hi and good morning to you!!! Have a great day! 🙂
James, thanks for the howdy! It is supposed to be 99 degrees here today so have already been outside to do things there and am back inside in the AC. A hotter than usual summer it seems, as yesterday we missed the all time record high temp by 1 degree!
In teh winter I can put ON enough clothing to stay warm, but in the summer I can’t take OFF enough to stay cool! LOL
Ditto OxDrover, gonna be a hot one here as well. Later and please kept cool during these hot summer months. (((HUGS))