What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
well i guess this article explains the two three and four months of greatness before the boredom and restless ness kicks in for them in new reltionship. eveeryone here seems to say the same thing about this time slot in a relationship with a sp. its boredom for them to enjoy a normal reltionship with a normal person and they start to think there is something better around the corner. also i wish it didnt urk me so much when i hear he is getting on so great with his life. just heard from a mutual friend my ex sp is seeing a new girl all be it a long distance relationship for them. she is young too a school teacher. and he has a new job promotion where he is earning more money and has a higher position . this surprises me as when he was with me he was lazy and un ambitous when it came to career. anyway he has been seeing her two months so still the honey moon period. it just makes me mad to hear he is doing well i guess. mean while im not seeing anyone and struggling with my job and paying high rent to make ends meet. is this normal to feel p…. off when i hear this. i knew something was up when he did not try to contact me for last two months, of course not he had new victim and i know how perfect he will be for her now in the begining. any advice or coments welcome, i am here cause i need to tell someone how i feel right now hope you guys know what i am talking about.
I was just thinking about this subject – so timely. My SP mother just finished a winter of “I’m so so lonely. It’s so hard to be alone” boo hoo. (My father passed away last August). But it was all about playing a game called “you have to call me – I don’t call you”. Then, she wouldn’t answer the phone!
Now, she’s no longer the grieving widow, now she’s going blind and “no one cares”. She was DX’d w/ macular degeneration and just learned she can’t drive ever again. I don’t think that reality has set in yet. But, last winter, a few friends came to visit her in Florida so she wouldn’t be alone. Now, she talks about that as if it were a pain in the butt. “It was like a motel here and I didn’t have a minute to myself.”
My father did such a good job of either grounding her or hiding things, that I feel like I’m just beginning to see who she really is. And it’s been one “crisis” after another. She actually seemed to enjoy the attention my father’s death brought her. And she also seems happy to be going blind – at least until she really started to not be able to do things like drive. But, again, that reality hasn’t set in yet.
She has the few friends she has left believing that her 3 children have abandoned her. She’s lost all her money, She was blind. – all not true.
So, it is so true that she has to have constant trouble in her life. Why couldn’t she be a happy SP who wants to have wild parties and take us on trips? LOL
Another thing regarding liking to do things secretly – my mother does not like witnesses. She wants to live alone so no one can see what she’s doing or hear her conversations. Because things wouldn’t add up. She tells one person one thing and another something else. So a live-in helper is out.
However, having said that, her “punishments” are no fun unless her victim knows that whatever it is she did was just that. She may have everyone else believing that she forgot to bring the camera to my graduation. But she smiled up at me in private and told me she didn’t want to remember a public school graduation.
Speaking of always needing controversy, there was the time she gifted money to us and I got half. Because she had a reason, it wasn’t clear that it was a punishment. So, she told my sister that she could spend the money anyway she liked (it was supposed to be for our kids’ college funds – I have 1 child, they have 2). When I didn’t engage her on that, she sent me provocative emails to try to anger me. That failed, but she still felt she had something because she took them to my sister’s house and cried that I was abusing her.
This was her excuse for giving me half the money – I was mean to her via emails! (try figuring out that one). Anyway, my sister told her she should have made it even, which got my Dad to finally demand that she give me the other half.
She called to say I was going to get the money but then said she couldn’t find her favorite watch. Did I know where it was? Yes, she gave it to me 5 years before. Well, she wanted it back. I said okay – no engagement. That’s no fun. But my Dad got involved, so she called back to say she just wanted to have it repaired.
All summer I had to listen to the Story of the Valuable, Priceless Watch. I told her, since it meant so much to her that she could keep it. She cried and cried. She loved me so much and wanted me to have it. So, at the end of the summer I got the watch. She’d had it back from the watchmaker for several weeks. But it was only after she gave it to me that she discovered that the gold top (it was an antique like a locket) was missing. Did I remember that it had a top? Yes, I did. But I figured that because she wasn’t the winner in this year-long game, that she’d torn it off hoping I’d be upset.
Boredom? There’s never a dull moment. And to top it all off, we’re having a family reunion this weekend with her sister (who she hates and says is crazy) and my cousins. We didn’t think she’d go. What were we thinking?
I’m so thankful I found this site. It makes me feel so much better to know that I’m not alone or “seeing things”
Thank you all for sharing your stories and listening to mine.
I
Boredom? No, ANY inconvenience of ANY KIND. Boredom is
simply an inconvenience to the Sociopath. Heat, Cold, lack of
Money or Attention, the inability at any given moment to have
any given whim or wish satisfied IMMEDIATELY…even the
slightest pang of hunger was more than my S could stand and
he’d fly into a rage if he was not fed in regular intervals, with
food he’d previously approved, prepared exactly as he demanded. I can’t count the number of times he threatened
to divorce me/abandon us if I made the tuna fish wrong or
forgot what time he insisted on having supper that week.
ANY inconvenience of ANY kind.
While it is true that out of
boredom comes the most wicked of crimes against everyone
around them, merely for their own amusement, it is primarily
the INCONVENIENCE of not having, feeling, being, getting, whatever
it was they wanted in that particular moment…and in their minds, SOMEONE will have to pay for that grave injustice.
Its got nothing to do with boredom, because it is impossible
to keep a sociopath, busy, happy, satisfied, or pleased enough
to refrain from hurting, or, more aptly, ‘punishing’ those around
them when they are not getting what they want.
They will punish just as sadistically if they are too hot or cold
or hungry as they will if they are too bored.
Only two emotions remember? Self entitlement and self pity.
When we distill it all down to that essence, it gets an awful lot
easier to put it all in perspective.
The moment I came to terms with the simplicity of this truth,
a whole lot of conversations that had been taking place in my
head were suddenly silenced and in that moment I stopped
wondering entirely, and forever, if any of it was ever my fault.
Jules
Just to re-affirm your thinking… the first signs the S I was involved with was an S were around the 4 month mark into the relationship (wish I’d paid heed to my guts). That’s also when he started stinging me for money.
Yes, it’s normal to feel how you do. You feel CHEATED. But you feel cheated out of the ILLUSION he presented to you – the illusion of being with someone loving who you could love back. As I have said before on this site (it’s painful to hear) but you WEREN’T IN IT – only he was. People are in three categories for them 1) Useful 2) Irrelevant 3) in the way.
If you’re ‘useful’ – they’ll use you and tell you anything to keep you fulfilling whatever purpose they have in mind for you. If you’re irrelevant, they’ll ignore you. If you’re in the way, they will be ‘ruthless’ in moving you out of the way.
I think that’s why this 3/4 month thing is so telling. Maybe a human being can only sustain an ILLUSION of being something they are not for a finite period of time – just a thought……….
I felt like you do too at one time on hearing that he was doing so well, new girlfriend etc. But now I couldn’t care less – I just think ‘some poor woman will be suffering the same fate as me by now’ – if I knew her and could warn her off in a way not to expose myself to that monster, I would, but I can’t and that’s way to big a risk to take after all I’ve been through. I ain’t inviting the devil back through the door!
He won’t be doing so great, by the way. Remember, they are very clever at ‘bigging’ themselves up to other people – their whole lives are an act – if it is true, it won’t last.
Try to get the focus back on you. Try to put your energy wholly into improving your life and situation. Don’t waste anymore time on this useless slug. I do understand where you are but would you really want to be wherever his latest ‘squeeze’ is once the 3/4 month honeymoon is over?
Make yourself the most important person in your head and universe – NOT HIM! Do one thing everyday that reinforces to yourself that you ARE the leading lady in your own life – and view each small triumph as a stepping stone to healing your life.
I hope there’s something in this that can help you ‘box him off’. Keep posting here and telling us how you feel for as long as you need – we all need each other for strength – knowing that others are or have had the same reactions helps us to feel we’re not paranoid mad obsessives!
So many comments, and such good ones! It saddens me that so many people are drawn into the vortex of the sociopath.
Yes, I think boredom is an element worth watching for if you are in any way involved with a sociopath. The sociopath’s boredom (fairly obvious to most of us because we have empathy that he/she does not) would be a signal that you may want to move out of harm’s way.
My thinking about this may be prejudiced by the particular type of sociopath I encountered. She was about equal parts narcissistic and histrionic, with enough borderline personality disorder mixed in to make her dangerous. She would have had no qualms about killing me or having me killed, if she could have done so without drawing suspicion on herself.
I understand it this way: The S creates drama not because of boredom, but because he or she has a desperate craving for an audience. You are never “good company” or “a friend” or anything normal to such a person, and you never were. You are merely an audience, or another player on the stage created for their audience, and when you are gone they will find another audience and other players as needed.
And if you’re lucky, they’ll also find another stage.
Peregrine
Yeh! Your comments about being an audience really struck a cord with me.
They do want constant attention. I used to say to myself ‘I could take the moon out of the sky and hand it to him on a plate and it wouldn’t be enough’. He once said to me “my mother never gave me enough attention as a child, now I demand it!”. If I ever hear words like that again – I will turn tail and run immediately, slamming the door firmly behind me! I remember thinking “oh, that’s telling” why on earth I ignored my gut instincts and tried to deny my astonishment and dis-ease about it, I’ll never know. If I was reading a book, (like them all, he wasn’t capable of enjoying a quiet pursuit), he would put his hand across it and lower it to my lap and say “give me some attention” – like a little kid who wants mummy’s focus firmly on him – pathetic – I thought so at the time – again, why did I ignore my instincts?
Anyway, today I have reached the ‘couldn’t care less stage’. So long as that slug is out of my orb, I can continue to heal and get stronger.
Jennifer 1011
Liked your insights about how they ‘punish’ when they’re not getting their own way. Also your comments about it not always being about boredom but often about ‘self-entitlement’ – In the later stages of the relationship, I would think ‘oh, the little emperor must have what he wants and when he wants’ He would go away on his endless ‘fishing’ trips (punctuated at the beginnig, middle or end with other women/prostitutes – god knows what else) and en route home, call me wanting to come over (usually to be fed) – I used to think ‘why should I be sitting pretty, waiting in the wings to be picked up when you feel like it’ (that was even before I found out about the cheating). He felt he had a right to have every single need met, as required. And being a completely self-obsessed, self-enchanted bully, these were, of course, endless.
Hallelujah – he’s gone and found another stage!
This essay is so well written and for me has capsuled what I now know about sociopathy. I am a survivor of an overwhelming and exhausting relationship with a sociopath.
While in this relationship I came to think that there was something terribly wrong with me. It appeared to me and to others that I was the one that had poor mental health. They and I were right in many resects. Today with 6 months distance and time away from this very manipulative and distructive individual I can now begin the journey of restoring my creditability and my life.
It took 3.5 years for this sociopath to wear me down emotionally and physically. I became a person I didn’t recognize. I lost my joy, my finances, my time, etc…
Today I find it most odd that when this relationship ended I missed the company of my sociopath terribly. For goodness sake; I was being mentally abused!!!
The lies that had my world turned upside down and inside out came out of my partner’s constant need for stimulation. Stimulation that was acomplished through all the various bullet points that are discribed as symptoms of sociopathic behaviors.
I took the route of warning the newest victims and it was and is impossible for me to funnel down the numerous stories to language anyone could possibly grasp without the education through similiar life experiences. I lost further creditability in my attempts to explain what I knew to be true. The Red Flags and stories one at a time sound trivial and would cast a glaze in the eyes of those listening; the glaze of here we go again and let it go. It is only the day by day layers over a long period of time that bring a clear understanding of the devestation & havoic that occured within my home and within my head. Trying to explain to those I was concerned about, those that only see love and joy and kindness within this sociopath, caused me further pain and prolonged my recovery. It is difficult to not care about what others are thinking or what you know they’ll soon be experiencing.
Don’t give your Sociopath anymore of your time or energy. I grieve most for the time I lost in many areas of my life. The financial expense is seperate. The money is gone.
I’m finally free. This relationship did help me understand past short term encounters within family, work and in other environments where selfish individuals left me feeling taken advantage of or at a loss. I am a better friend to the many people that have had similar experiences. I now understand their language.
I have a new perspective on life and I don’t have to compromise my integrity and values to have loving relationships. I deserve so much more and so much better than what I have given myself permission to have had in my life. I want to be around positive and loving and gracious people.
Today I’m bored and somewhat boring and I’m thankful to be experiencing those exact feelings. I’m still alive and I feel this relationship came a point where my life was part of the risk of being in the company of this sociopath. With mental clarity comes the knowledge that my sociopath would and could have resorted to taking the life of my dog or me and killing either of the two would have been no more of a regret to this sociopath than wasting a perfectly good piece of paper. People and paper can be replaced just as easily and equate to the same for someone that does not have feelings.
Each day that passes without this sociopath in my life I feel a little more joy. It’s strange to think that the reason I got caught up in this relationship is because I feel compassion and love and I’ve been a care-giver most of my life. People void of feelings are doomed to seek out stimulation in any manner that might bring them instant satisfaction and they race from one exciting thing to the next with no regret or feeling for the person left in a heap of exhaustion, sadness or financial ruin. A sociopath seems to thrive on the thrill of taking from decent people what they themselves are lacking and they will take everything you value. They will steal your creditibility, your peace, your sense of security, your time, your finances, your friends, your family, your home and even your life. Anything they cannot attain on their own through socially acceptable behaviors they seek to take it from warm loving people. A sociopath does not need to stick around and witness all of the particular distruction they cause. They do not feel. Don’t try to tell them how a particular act made you feel. This is part of their joy. Mission accomplished and they might even realize that their game is being perfected and have a sence of being a bit grander through your frustrating attempts to have them gain an understanding of socially acceptable behavior. Don’t educate them further on feelings of normal and warm and loving people. They are on to another victim and watching the slow process of doing everything all over again with new tricks and new tools and they become smoother and more dangerous with time and the education you provide for them.
Get yourself out and get on with feelings of boredom and other lovely life giving feelings. Do not give him/her one more tear or one more dollar and certainly don’t give them any more free rent in the place they most crave to be and that is the space in your mind. They want your beautiful mind and that is the one thing you can have back and even better than before. The Sociopath will leave you wiser. If winning is everything to the sociopath you can certainly end this game with the greatest prize. The sweetness of crisp mental clarity can be yours if you want it – the sociopath will never win a prize as grand as this.
Today I feel a little bored and a little sad. As a child when I would say those same words and curl up in my Mom’s lap and she would stroke my hair and then twirl some stands of my hair and then tickle my ear and make me laugh. Bored & boring is a lovely and very comfortable place.
Valerie,
Wonderful, insightful, honest and truthful feedback! Thanks!
I will take a gander that you aren’t necessarily bored, but content and satisfied that your life is now tranquil, peaceful, QUIET without the chaos of a predator.
People with intellectual/emotional/psychological/spiritual depth are never really bored even when they are sometimes sedentary. We use productive energy when contemplating, ruminating, creating interesting thoughts and ideas. Even if the body is in a relaxed stated of being, our minds are moving and seeking.
Predators are exempt from this gift of deep thinking. That is why they can’t stand to be alone. Why they are uncomfortable sitting calm and still for an extended period of time.
Now, I realize that there are folks on here who are extroverts. Folks who enjoy having their bodies in motion quite often. But even while exercising, being mobile…your minds are in motion also. I do some of my best thinking while taking my early stroll through the neighborhood. The endorphins that are released during my walk help clarify my thinking til it is crystal clear, sharp. No anxiety, just serene thinking.
And you speak truth, Valerie, when you wrote that striving to explain to predators what the hell they are doing that is so wrong, so cruel, so vindictive is a complete and total waste of our precious time and energy. It never worked before so I will hazard a guess that it will not work today.
Doesn’t matter. I’m never going to ALLOW one of those creatures in my life ever again. I’m solid with the knowledge I have learned and my intuition is always on yellow alert. It is what it is and I am blessed to be joyfull, peaceful, and alive.
Oxy:
I had some happy tears when I read your post to me ..THANKYOU!!!! and also to witsend and ‘…healed.
I am going through it but MY! ITS WORTH IT!
I have changed my will and cleaned out a whole bunch of garbage in my life on every level.. The truth really does set you free!
I feel so glad about telling people the murderous secrets that I knew would kill me! And they are not killing me! And even if they did it would have been worth it. They don’t run me anymore.
My life is doing a 360 turn. I’m practising what I bin preaching and LF has changed my life completely. FOR THE BETTER!!
I am going to the doctor today (yes, I know, ABOUT TIME!) because I am still physically sick. But I have never been this mentally and emotionally strong in my life.
I aint scared no more…just ready!
LOVE ALL OF YOU!! KEEP ON KEEPIN ON!! THIS SITE IS ONE OF GODS MIRACLES!!!! xoxoxxoxo
Hey Tilly!
I did NOT send the birthday present. I don’t know. I was going to, but instead, just let it go by. There must be something in my subconscious telling me this guy is WRONG for me!
These days, I am going with my gut on almost everything in the LOVE arena.
I spent his birthday present $$ on me, instead.
Happy Birthday to ME! 🙂
P.S. I am really not a selfish person. I never used to do things like this.
P.S.S. Erin: You can put away the stilettos, for now.