What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Escapee: Hi. You wrote “(he) deliberately started arguments / created bad situations to set up his ’exit routes'”, wow, I was wondering why he would yell at me (besides being an a**hole). EXIT ROUTES, a light bulb went off in my head!
Conufsed2
Really sad to hear your anguish. Please don’t be tempted back – I, like many others, went back time and time again and wasted years of my life. Be kind to you, stick with the ‘good guys’ and do what’s easy and makes you happy.
He is oblivious to your feelings and doesn’t have the capacity for empathy, except for himself – you’re not sick – you are the one having a normal response to someone you cared for and feeling the loss – except it was just an illusion – only no one told you – sorry if this is a hard thing to hear…. but it wasn’t your fault – don’t be so tough on yourself – you were duped (they work hard at making you stay that way).
Escapee
BTK and the Uni-Bomber both corresponded with the police and the media for years, if I recall correctly. So, they were not alone, either. They were always “taunting” by sending letters and packages to the media, and the media played right into it and put it on the evening news. Talk about having a captive audience!! It does not get any better than being on the evening news, and paralyzing an entire community in terror for decades to satisfy your narcissism.
I think Jeffrey Dahmer, Charles Manson, and Son of Sam are in a whole other world than sociopaths, both literally and figuratively. These guys have admitted to hearing things, and hallucinating. That is more Schizo than Psycho, as far as I am concerned.
Yes I was duped. He even had his 22 yr old daughter involved in keeping us together. I have the wierd vibe she is just like him. I know I fell in love with a facade, he was to good to be true, I even told him he was perfect. And yet I keep waiting for him to reach out to tell me he’s sorry etc. and yet i don’t want him to. I want him to stay gone. I’m so conflicted and confused over the whole situation.
Shabbychic2
Took me a long time to cotton on to what was going on but once I did, it made all the antagonism make sense (my S was a bit more subtle than just yelling, he knew what buttons to press). Once I got hold of what he was doing, untangling all the other stuff was pretty easy – he wasn’t quite so clever as he thought in covering his tracks – don’t say it with any sense of triumph though – it was very painful and shocking at the time and for a long while after. Times when I wished I could ‘unknow’ what I knew but, truth is, I KNEW there was something. Hard to get a handle on how someone could be so manipulative isn’t it?
In the aftermath though, I think it helps to understand that Ss do this stuff by nature and master it as a skill in daily life. Sometimes wish I could have my ‘innocence’ back though – the world seemed like a nicer place before I knew all this! Not boring at all!
Good wishes for your continued recovery!
Confused2
It’s impossible not to be conflicted when you have been fed so much crap – like I said, you’re supposed to be – it’s what gives them control – they deliberately destablise and undermine what you feel and think with contradictory behaviour – it would almost definitely have cranked up a notch every few months, the longer you were with him – it is loosely their pattern.
If he would ‘use’ his own child, what hope is there for anyone else? She may or may not be like him. My Ss son showed similar tendencies to his repulsive father (cheating on his steady girlfriend, picking fights with her and then going off with other girls – he was also 22!). However, his father would swing from being all over him like a rash to constantly criticising him – approval/disapproval – destablising – see what I mean? The boy had probably endured all these mixed messages from an early age – no wonder he was screwed up. He tried to do the same with me. It IS all very confusing until you grasp the mechanisms they use to keep control of you emotionally – to both meet their ‘needs’ and their desire for power over another.
Mine actually came right out and said it, “I hate being alone.” And he even managed to turn it into a pity play at the same time, by acting like a scared little boy.
Of course, I fell for it at the time.
But, then he also had the audacity to tell me, “If you go digging for dirt, you are probably going to find some.”
I believed that, too. So, I went digging for dirt. 🙂 Jackpot!!
The End.
Yes, I could see him using her but I also felt she was in on it with him. When they both started coming to me with how little money they had and hinting if I could help them out with car payments etc. It started out small but I could see it gradually building up. And I still clung to the thought that he loved me and that erased all the bad stuff. I paid for the meals, drinks entertainment, everything. And yet I still kept going back for more “attention”. I don’t even think he wanted me for sex, I think it was all about the money. I feel so used.
Thanks Steve for the article. The P trait of chronic boredom is a subject that I particularly am interested in, as I am on my healing/understanding/discovery journey .
I find myself VERY suspicious of those around my age( 30 to 40’s) who have job, family, and/ or household obligations who complain about being bored.
I feel that with a S it is tied in with being alone, as that is sheer torture for a S. Since their heads are essentially empty and void of what normal people deal with in “real” life- consistent,balanced thought processes, & problem solving that actually put “others” well being into the equation for long term ,
the S lives in an almost child like state of existence based on immediate gratification with no regard to impulse control. I can remember being bored as a small child. Life was simple, with selfish desires that revolved ONLY around MY needs-playtime,food, and attention being the only real focus. It never occurred to me that my caregivers or anyone for that matter had anything better to do than to entertain ME.
Even as I grew alittle older- in my journal at around 10 yrs old. the ‘worth’ of my day- what constituted a good or bad day to me was simply what others did for me- I was taken swimming, shopping, treated in some way. That warranted a smiley face for that day. Days that I was forced to do chores all day,or anything I deemed a waste of time received a sad face to sum up my day.
NON SOCIOPATH adults dont BASE their life satisfaction on what they were able to “get” that day but rather what we are able to give to others,& to succeed is based on our individual standards of progress.
Our measuring stick of quality of life is blended with many pleasures in life that the S can not possibly fathom.
WIth such a simplist, cold blooded predatory vigilance in life to devour and destroy, no wonder when the thrill of their latest “kill” is short lived, they cry boredom with their dead eyed stare! I loathe that look!
Confused2
You are so much further ahead of the game than you realise. You’re facing up to the truth about these two – hers was possibly a learned behaviour -if she was brought up to blag and con, by 22 it would come naturally.
The point is: you WERE used. I know it’s a terribly painful realisation but does it help to know we all were? If you dig a little deeper, you’ll understand why and that might give you some comfort in retrieving your self-esteem. It was because they COULD – from their point of view. And they could, not because you are a fool, but because you are a genuinely kind and thoughtful person – don’t let these half-formed beings robbed you of your precious gifts for empathy. Just get yourself armed to the fact that S/N/P personalities see ‘grace and kindness’ as a frailty to be exploited.
I hope you weren’t stung like I was. At least you had the good sense to get out quick – well done you – be proud and be kind to yourself.
PS Rosa – you make me laugh – no nonense lady!