What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dear Tilly,
Getting the “weeds” out of the garden is a wonderful thing and makes the veggies grow better!!! I’m glad you are going for a check up too—and guess what! So am I, tomorrow to the doctor!!!
Sweet rosa, Go with your gut, Chickie!!! Always go with your GUT!!!!
Running away, ARE WE SISTERS? I think we have the same egg donor!!! since I am NO CONTACT WITH HER, I didn’t realize she had started to go blind or was living in florida though. NO CONTACT has been my salvation, and NO MORE DRAMA, I think you sound like you are handling it well though, at least you are not reacting to her drama-rama! Good for you!
Great comments everyone! I especially like how Jennifer narrowed it down to two ’emotions’ “self-entitlement” and “Self-pity.” That is so true, I wish I had seen it that simply before.
EndthePain,
I hope you are feeling better today. Good luck when your court date comes. Is it soon?
I went to drinks with some coworkers today and was feeling a little sad/lonely briefly–but all those bad urges passed as soon as I got home and came here. Thank you everyone for sharing and reminding me!
I hope everyone has a great week. I am going out of town for a conference so I won’t be on until Saturday. I hope the conference will keep me occupied until I can get back on, I’ve been leaning heavily on LF so it’ll be hard to go that long w/o it.
valerie
Thank you for your entry and insight. I enjoy most the part of
“Don’t educate them further on feelings of normal and warm and loving people. They are on to another victim and watching the slow process of doing everything all over again with new tricks and new tools and they become smoother and more dangerous with time and the education you provide for them.”
In your writing and how true those word be.
Thanks you again very much!
Hmm, I am a diagnosed sociopath but I don’t find ways to manipulate people when I’m bored. In fact, I don’t do it at all.
Is the writer of the opinion that all sociopaths are vile beings hell-bent on exploiting and manipulating others?
Just because I lack in empathy and remorse doesn’t mean I wish anything bad on anyone. I’m a kind and caring person, I go out of my way for others, but I struggle with certain emotions that others readily feel.
ROSA:
Ya know…..I’m gonna tell you again… The fact that you even wrote about it and questioned your intentions were suspect to me, that SOMETHING DIDN”T FEEL RIGHT!
SO I say… GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!
Your gut screamed and you listened with your head! I’m proud of you~ There is a reason we have the intuition….we should learn to trust it!
Go ROSA, GO ROSA, IT”S YOUR BIRTHDAY, IT”S YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!
Stelletos back on the shelf girl.
Valerie
Absolutely loved your post – I think our stories are quite similar and your description of your mental turmoil and all the ‘gaslighting’ (like you ended up looking like the mad one) rang bells.
Rosa
You are so funny! I love that you spent the birthday $$ on you. You are like an impish child who has just discovered a wonderful magical power and is enjoying it thoroughly! That sounds like progress to me! Thanks.
escapee, thank you so much for your kind words. i dont think of him much anymore. but this news of him came at a weak moment for me im a bit fragile right now my dad is very ill and it is stressfull to say the least, then hearing this news of how well the s path is going just got to me . i know your right he is always making himself sound better than he is . besides the girl he is seeing lives far away and he has no car or lisence so they prob only spend one night of the weekend together anyway how great or serious can that be. he always has to be bigger and better. your so right about the four month thing i too heard the warning bells but ignored them around this time in fact there was a few weird things before that even that i brushed off. so thanks for being so understanding. i have noticed i always hear how great things are for him when i seem to be going through something hard like my dad being ill at the moment. anyway his relatioships never last . he has had so many since he left me and none of them have gone anywhere, but according to him they were all serious, yeh right. anyway thanks all of you.
Jules
So sorry to hear about your father. You need all your energy for this right now…..
the only thing bigger than him is his colossal ego and the need for it to devour and sap everything he comes into contact with. Try to remember this when you’re feeling affected by news of him. They like ‘winning’ – what helps me is to think – ‘well, I’m not aiding and abetting in that right now by ‘feeding you” – it gives me some satisfaction in knowing that I’ve cut off the supply – from this department, at least. He’ll very quickly find another supply, I know – but the thought of him running around in ever-decreasing circles like a hamster in a wheel helps too! (vengeful aren’t I? !!). Anything that gives you strength, I say!
You’re well out of it girl – acknowledge your own strength and resolve and BE PROUD!
Thanks for sharing with us and keep posting for strength whenever you need it.
I’ve been reading the posts on this site since December 2009 to try to figure out what the heck just happened in my life and what I needed to do for my own safety and well-being. I went through the normal stages of healing thanks to the insightful posts and personal stories that everyone here has shared.
Since I also suffer from bipolar disorder, I didn’t know at times what was real and what wasn’t and when I was being “too paranoid” or not observant enough to the signs. I became obsessed with trying to rationalize the things that he did and yet put my full trust into him when he would always say, “I never did that”, or “I don’t know what you’re talking about”, or “Someone else must’ve done it trying to set me up.”
I could write story after story of things that he did and how he blamed me and how he used my personal insecurities against me in subtle ways, but I’ve finally accepted it all as a huge lesson and I am thankful for even having the chance for a new beginning.
I’ve had no contact with my ex thankfully – no phone calls, emails, etc.
There were a few times he wrote me e-mails after I sent him packing far away, and I admit I read them but I never responded and never will. Only reason I read them in the first place is because I am afraid he’s gonna come back and try to find me… After all the lies and manipulation, I don’t know what all he is capable of.
There is one thing though that I’m curious about concerning the BOREDOM aspect being discussed (of all the hell we all have been through, this is one hell of a random thing for me to even bring up, but what the heck…): When I would get back home from running errands or work, there were a couple of times the ex actually had candles lit like he was doing some séance – saying he was ridding the “bad spirits” from our house. Don’t get me wrong – I’m very open to religious beliefs and I would never put anyone down for doing something of that nature. He would tell me about the bad spirits and at one point he even seemed to change and later said the spirit was in him and the spirit was very very sad. I don’t know if that’s possible or not, but I swear I believed him at the time – after all, why would someone ever make something up like that and continue it for hours on end? (Now I feel it’s because he was amused that I was believing his little show).
One night when this was going on, I had work to do and paid little attention to what he was doing. However, he was going on and on about a spirit that had been opening the pantry door throughout the evening. I went over to the door to see if there was a breeze or someething else causing it, but there wasn’t. About an hour later, I was getting up to take a break from my work – my ex had no idea I was watching him sneak over to open the pantry door. I let him sit down on the couch before I walked into the living room – that’s when he yelled, “THEY’RE BACK!!! THEY JUST WON’T LEAVE THIS PLACE ALONE!!! COME SEE THIS!!!!” (LOL guess i wasn’t supposed to see him open the door himself)
I never did tell him that I saw the whole thing. But from then on I stopped playing into his little game. I didn’t have time to play into that little game since he had me going in circles playing every other aspect of my life.
Thank you all and I’m very sorry that I don’t have the insights and solutions for handling situations with an s/p. i only have theories as to what happened to me. as a person with bipolar disorder, i struggle daily to rationalize things happening around me, struggle with depression and thoughts of being a failure, and sometimes extreme paranoia – even when things are actually going really well and are peachy keen haha when i had the P in my life, i didnt know up from down and left from right until the night of the grand finale. i guess i had to see a video recording of myself on his cell phone getting out of the shower to realize that he was doing things that i didn’t know about, and i saw the evidence finally. there was no question in my mind anymore… no gray areas. he couldn’t say, “I didn’t do it.” or any other lie.
Thank you all again, and I don’t know why these things all have happened to us and others, but I sure hope that somehow we all got stronger in some way, some how…
hope…
Thanks
Your post just demonstrates just how cruel they are – and even worse, it would seem, the more vulnerable the person.
Re the pantry door – you may have read the term ‘gaslighting’ here or in literature pertaining to S/N/P types. Basically, it’s when they deliberately set out to make you appear crazy – to yourself and others. So many of us on LF have been the victims of this process in many different ways and struggled so hard to overcome the disbelief and resulting mayhem is has caused in our psyches.
Sounds to me like his seances were a little ‘show’ for you, as you rightly say. They do so much for effect.
I am so glad that you have rid yourself of this monster from your life. I hope you’ll come back and share again whenever you need or want to.
All love.