What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
JillSmith,
I just read your post from the 22nd. This is so discouraging to me: the one source of discouragement is that I seem to not be able to convey the meaning of what I say adequately. I did not disagree with anything you said, I only am holding on to threads of hope that my child will not grow up to be a P. Reading about your ex, I see that trying to supplement anti-social activities with risk taking socially acceptable ones while raring the child may not work. It is what I thought may be best if one is growing up with “so called excessive need for stimulation”. Of course, Freud did not write about psychopaths (not sure on that one) but in his theory the more aggressive ones who choose socially acceptable behaviors become an asset to society rather than the criminals. For instance, I am thinking that if I were to notice something that would resemble his father, I’d send my son to a military school or all boys private school, and / or encourage him to be a surgeon, so that he can learn to bring about good and deal with “boredom”. But, whom am I kidding? His father was KICKED out of all boys Catholic School for fighting by his own admission. Reading all these posts, I often think about Oxy and I pray that I would never have to go through the agony she’s gone through. My son came into this world at extremely high emotional costs and my X knows this. That’s why I am being punished now with him going after the things that matter to me the most. I am only trying to think up ways to make my son strong and loving as opposed to strong and heartless. (hope I did all right this time with my clarification, not disagreeing with you at all)
‘I’m a kind and caring person, I go out of my way for others’
Yes, so did my ex S. He was in the service business. He transpired and twisted, ‘kind and caring’ and helping people as his identity…..he forgot the exploitation and preying parts….
He would pick up hitchhikers along the road….(that’s a kind gesture huh?)……once down the road, he would also get blowjobs from them as ‘payment’ of his kind gesture.
You see if you tell the whole story, leaving NOTHING out, ‘kind and caring’ sometimes turn into controlling, manipulative and self serving.
His business ‘kind and caring’ was returned to him by
paycheck, travel, dinners, praise and bragging rights for his kind and caringness!
Meanwhile, he was ‘kind and caring’, placing himself in the ‘center’ of peoples worlds….preying on what his subjects could offer HIM!
His ‘kind and caring’ NEVER came without a price……EVER. ‘Kind and caring’ was easy to portray, for him!
The S’s ‘kind and caring’ only appeared if you were a client or he perceived a ‘payoff’, he used ‘kind and caring’ to impress others, because if you thought of him as kind and caring you would be less likely to see his ‘hits’ coming or believe that you were victimized by him…….because, after all….he’s the ‘kind and caring’ one!
If you didn’t place him on payroll or there was nothing in it for him…..the kind and caring stayed in hiding.
We never saw ‘kind and caring’ at home.
The general statement of I’m kind and caring, is nothing more than what WE wish we were.
I would be more interested in what I see/experience in your behaviors, first hand than in any diagnosis.
Kind and caring with absolutely NO payoff. (Keeping a dying person company, changing diapers, cleaning up poo and vomit…….knowing beforehand that your NOT IN THE WILL)!!!!
Making another feel good for the sake of making another feel good.
Otherwise…..’kind and caring’ is about the schmooze, the con, the manipulation towards the eventual payoff. (whatever the payoff may be).
My S used to ask me all the time, ‘does ‘that’ make me a bad person’.
Oh, no my dear……your ‘kind and caring’.
I guess I am very suspicious, and find it striking that blessingId in the 2 posts that I have read from this blogger has not commented of being shocked at all to hear the damage the “not so caring” sociopaths we ‘ve had the misfortune of meeting have done. The posts themselves seem oddly out of place and void of real interaction. I guess from an “empath’s” view – what S’s call us, Im thinking I would be blown away by the fact that my clinical diagnosis matches that of the monsterous ones (S) described over and over again here. Just a thought…
Erin:
Mine was in the “service” industry as well. And he picked up hitchhikers!!! And he was “kind and caring”, too. “Never intended to hurt anybody.”
What are the odds??
P.s excuse me for being so blunt, I dont have it in me these days to be diplomatic, but I think if I had the diagnosis,(of a S) like this blogger, I would be asking HOW the Heck do I beat this thing??? (likened to cancer) not defensive on how caring I may or may not be..
Erin, Sabrina, Rosa
Will you let me pick your brain a bit?
What you wrote: You see if you tell the whole story, leaving NOTHING out, ’kind and caring’ sometimes turn into controlling, manipulative and self serving.
His business ’kind and caring’ was returned to him by
paycheck, travel, dinners, praise and bragging rights for his kind and caringness! – Is so true. I had a phone call recently from a woman who only knows of me and nothing of my situation. She has severe PTSD and insisted on seeing me even though we had never before met. She heard I guess about how righteous I am. I don’t know what she heard, but she conveyed to me severe abuse of power by her therapist. I was stunned. Knowing her therapist, I can say that many of us suspected “something very wrong with her” but could not put our finger on it. Now, having heard what I heard, and having read what I read, I KNEW who she is. Here is the problem: the client has PTSD AND BORDERLINE Personality disorder. But, in my heart I believe each word she told me. I have given her proper phone numbers to file a complaint. However, knowing first hand now (thanks, my dearest X for all the STDs and PTSDs you have bestowed on me) what PTSD feels like, I am sure she’ll need support. I am not strong enough to fight two Ps. And I can’t walk away from blatant abuse and con and control by her “professional therapist” Any advise?
you all are humorous today 🙂 Thanks for the Saturday evening, pleasure to spend it with yous/ Enjoyed your comments, Rosa, Sabrina
LOL
Thankyou Escapee! Your right ! when I said what can I do I didn’t mean about getting my money I mean what can i do to stop hating myself and being soo triggered ?
But since then something much bigger has happened and I am not sure if I should blurt it out or not.
I really only want to talk to Oxy about it, but thats impossible.
I feel very emotional about it so i guess I will come back later and spill the beans.
Or not.
Rosa:
Probably very good!!!!
If you think about it…..to hook someone, you have to be ‘kind and caring’ in appearance ya know!
I have NEVER in my life picked up a hitchhiker…..I would be afraid of being in danger…..What a dumb way of thinking….huh…..think of the sexual favors I could have been recieving!!!
What an idiot!!!!!
Katya:
I would recommend you referring her to a more appropriate therapist at this time.
I would encourage her to follow through on the formal complaints re: her therapists…..
But, I don’t think you should get involved with this one currently.
She is a diagnosed S, your still reeling…..I think it’s a conflict for you.
That’s my 2 cents.