What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Done,
Your are welcome about the GL (gaslighting)
“Charlie Brown yells “THAT’S IT!” with such force that Lucy falls out of her chair.”
Yes, that’s it’s! moment something I too have found here and other sites concerning issues with my ex s/p. Talk about fog and confusion? Soon after my world part apart I felt detached and numb then I would see or read something about the disorder and it feel like cold water throw at me shocking my body before I react! And yes, sometimes I almost fell off my chair! Literally!
I believe these days of shock are done and I know enough now not to be surprised anymore. But one never knows, our learning seems to be on going. So just in case one saying I often tell myself is “expect the unexpected”…
Oh, one other thing about Charlie Brown and Lucy. How she would trick Charlie into kicking the football again and again only to pull it away just before he is able to kick the ball, sending him through the air and him landing on his back and her walking up to Charlie Brown and looking at him as he is laying there looking at the sky, then asking him “poor Charlie Brown you are never going to learn are you?”
So many times I ask myself the same question, when am I ever going to learn?
PInow, I think you should go to the LF store site and order “The Legal abuse syndrom” I have it and it is a great book, it tallks about how we are RE-raped by the legal system after being emotionally raped by the Ps.
Glad you figured out how to stay on LF—
Oxy, i completely agree with your analysis. what you say makes perfect sense.
Katya,
Maybe I “over reacted” to the post Steve made to the self proclaimed P, but “over reacting” is what WE (former victims) tend to do when we are “triggered”—-what triggers us?
Well, it is different for every person of course, but let’s say you were bitten by a brown snake—then if yo uwere walking across my lawn and saw my brown water hose lying in the grass, you might be TRIGGEREd by the sight and jump out of your skin trying to get away from the harmless water hose.
Steve may (looking at it in retrospect) have been “tongue in cheek” to the self proclaimed P, but it is difficult to tell from the printed word what would possibly be obvious in a face to face conversation.
But on the surface what appeared to me to be “understanding and concern” and a “kind and caring” post to a self ladmitted professionally diagnosed P “triggered” an outrage in my emotions. Possibly I was triggered by a “water hose” but having been bitten by the “brown snakes” over and over and over, even as far along the line as I am toward recovery, none the less, even I was TRIGGERED into an outrage.
Something I said on a blog a week or so ago “triggered” someone on this blog, and they e mailed me privately with their upset and hurt feelings. What I said in the blog, they admitted was true, but it HURT their feelings terribly by the WAY I said it. In fact, though I had said in the post that it was my OPINION, it triggered something in them and they actually read different words because they felt attacked personally, though the post was a GENERAL opinion not specific to them, but it triggered them because they had chosen to engage in some of the behavior I was concemning IN MY OPINION…because I speak forcefully sometimes, I triggered someoen unintentionallty and totally not aimed at them.
Because i ican’t read Steve’s mind and know exactly WHY he spoke to the self admitted P who was, by their own words “kind and caring” as he did, but it came across TO ME as “you poor baby, maybe you were misdiagnosed” (again that is NOT what steve typed on to the screen, but it was MY EMOTIONAL REACTION and it triggered me.
Being triggered and over reacting to what people say, and what people do is many many times the post-P mind set and behavior, we become cranky, and see offense where none is intended, we get hurt feelings when someone is not trying to acttack us….it is PTSD and though we work hard NOT to react this way, sometimes one comes on us unawares and TRIGGERS an over reaction before we have time to even really THINK. It gets to our emotional brain before it gets to our logical one, and we REACT FIRST and think LATER.
What steve actually SAID was not “harmful” to me in any way, it didn’t effect my life at all, it wasn’t even addressed to me, yet, because it TRIGGERED ME I became very upset and angry. I reealize LOGICALLY, that steve was not aiming that post at me, yet I RE-ACTED.
It actaully, when you think about it afterwards, is another learning experience for ME. Another thing I hav elearned about myself and about triggers. So in the end, even a negative experience from being triggered can help us learn and heal. (((hugs)))
Steve,
I just want to throw in my two cents here. What you said made sense to me. You’re a therapist. The person presented two conflicting pieces of information, plus the non-confrontational and inquisitive tone of the writer. A therapist (and most people) would normally try to clarify and resolve the conflict, rather than doing an instant diagnosis on the speaker.
Just because we’re hyper-sensitive doesn’t mean that you need to change what you do. I know you don’t need my or anyone else’s permission. But we do know that we’re sensitive.
Actually when I read that post, I went through my mental file cabinet to think about when a diagnosed sociopath would have feelings like that or experience that would confirm that self-analysis about being kind and caring.
And something popped up that I saw occasionally with my ex. Sort of a Munchausen by proxy thing. With certain people, particularly those who were vulnerable to his crazy-making behaviors, he could switch into healing angel mode of concerned attention and pretty impressive nursing behavior. This would happen when they were psychologically imploding. He would say encouraging things, take over chores, bring food and drinks, be amusing and generous. I saw it several times with me and also with an ex-girlfriend.
But then it would ultimately wind-down with reverting to type. Making it about he was right and we were wrong. Or that we were stupid and he was smart. And he would puff up again and exit back to his personal interests, leaving the final message of how inadequate we were.
And you know, this is one of those things that is so difficult to interpret, as you mentioned on your radio show. It becomes really hard to distinguish whether the ultimate impression he left — about what a time-consuming pain we were and how this was all ultimately about our inadequacies — seemed so crushing because we were really not firing on all cylinders (which was definitely true for both of us). Or whether he actually was conscious trying to destabilize us further (which is tempting, but I don’t think he was really that conscious). Or whether it was just an opportunity to make himself look grand and important that ultimately bored him (which seems most likely to me).
In any case, I think, if asked about his capacity to be kind and caring, he would have no difficulty saying he was and pointing to these events. And it would be true for him. Like that poster, he does imagine that he is trying to be a good person.
It doesn’t change what he’s capable of. Or rather not capable of. That’s the problem with not feeling empathy or remorse. That internal meter that measures our impact on other people is missing. So it’s not that the poster was lying, per se. It’s that that person’s “truth” fails to incorporate some information the would consider necessary in talking about being “kind and caring.” Like how it affects the other person.
Hi everyone, very interesting and wise contributions here. My humble opinion (for whatever its worth 😉 is that Steve, as a therapist seemed to have remained neutral and unbiased in dealing with the diagnosed S, and not investing in any emotional way which is highly professional.
I took it more like Katya said “he was being- politely fescicious” which my post to the writer was more on that agenda as well.
I COMPLETELY understand Oxy’s feelings regarding the waste of time it is and how we have, and are still suffering from the involvement with these disordered individuals.
From what I make of it, all of the loving,intelligent people here ( non P’s) are ON THE SAME PAGE and in this together! I dont think- at least hope, not a single one of us could EVER be fooled or feel the slightest inclination that the “kind and caring” comment actually has any truth to it. Iagree that this is NOT the place for a P to get any “air time.” So , predators should troll more furtile waters, we aren’t taking the bait!
PS kudos to you Oxy that you realized and admitted what a trigger it was for you. We ALL have those. You set the tone here to work through our issues in honest, open communication. Its a beautiful forum here to express what we really feel and I think you were being really protective over others even MORE than yourself!
(in the sense that you were thinking about how the S can open new wounds to so many who are struggling here)
Oxy, I can so understand your explanation of being “triggered.” Whether or not it was an “over-reaction” I don’t know but I do know that I certainly appreciated your analogy of the brown snake and the brown garden hose!!
It reminds me of a real-life experience that might fit the topic of this thread — boredom and the sociopath.
Years ago, I came down the steps and saw what I thought was one of the kids’ jumping rope. No problem, I bent down and picked it up — and then SCREAMED as it moved in my hand.
My EX (to relieve his boredom, I suppose) had brought the harmless garden snake inside on purpose to get a reaction from me. I don’t think I had an “over-reaction” but a true “trigger.” One’s reality is sure messed with when NOT expecting an inanimate rope to turn into a living creature.
Interesting but part of the lingering memory about this episode was that NOT ONE of my family came to check on my well-being. I WAS okay after the reality set in (I’m not afraid of snakes) but the memory of the non-empathy and non-caring of my EX remains.
BTW, folks, if you laughed at my “snake story” I want you to know that I am laughing, too. Not yet about the non-empathy but the “living jump rope” for sure.