What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Good points, Sabrina and Kathy,
Kathy, your X’s “kind and caring” is SOOOOOOOO typical and what a fake “kind and caring” they DO PUT ON. So gentle and giving—WHERE IS THE PUKE EMOTICON WHEN YOU NEED ONE? LOL
That “demonstrated” “kind and caring” behavior vs the later devaluation is definnitely CRAZY MAKING…..or the “kind and caring to others in PUBLIC” but behind closed doors, ANYTHING BUT, “kind and caring” to US.
While my egg donor would not score very high on the PCL-R at all, vs the 30+ my P son would score, and I have dubbed her a “psychopath by proxy” for doing my P son’s bidding and being his dupe, she none-the-less does display BEHIND CLOSED DOORS some of the entitlement, fake mask, lying, etc. but she I am sure PERCEIVES HERSELF as “kind and caring” even when she is LYING and when she is ABUSING because she is “entitled” to punish others when they don’t do what SHE THINKS is right.
So the PCL-R doesn’t “pick up” on scoring some people who have two-faces—one publicly “kind and caring” and the other much more viscious “behind closed doors.”
Kathleen, I agree with your take on it. And in keeping up with the Snake description, I think “Kind and caring” is a manipulative way IN, sort of like “Lie low and strike the victim” or “hypnotize by appearing charming”. Speaking of boredom, My wonderful EX would do Everything good. – once. then he would not. It’s like he would expect that that was enough. and then make it sound like he’s been doing it all along. What a creeper. Now, he did say he had ADHD, but ADHD isn’t like this: he could stay with the task for a long time, finish it and no longer care for it. Say, maybe, that’s why his life is a series of 3 year fragments with so many women?
Good group discussion. I am enjoying the thread. Feels like you all are the only ones who can really say “I understand” and “I can relate”
Oxy, I was triggered badly. I sat there shaking and paralyzed, and I saw that no one answered and the blog went “dead”. I was so angry and not wanting to feel victimized and not wanting to cave in, and needing your guys’ loving reassurance, that I e-mailed Donna privately seeking her assistance. NC with My P. If there were three – four self- proclaimed Ps blogging and we went NC what would happen to this wonderful support we have grown to really benefit from? Just more questions, no answers… But, if we put up some joint front, they’d be OH MY VICTIMIZED? maybe ? for one millisecond? We should think up some code of behavior all of us agree to follow with such bloggers, so that they don’t luck us out of our own supports. Just a thought. Did not mean to offend anyone, totally understand Oxy’s reaction. Still think Kathleen put it well: Steve gave a therapeutic response. Still think it was brilliant, Steve.
Here is an idea: one reason to be NC is so that they don’t know how much they hurt us. Because it may feel so good to them, they’ll be coming back for more. If we are neutral, it may be as bad as NC. Ideas?
Escapee: ‘I went through a phase of feeling that the S had appealed to my vanity and this was my weakness.’
Yeah, this is a familiar and confusing feeling for me. The lunatic told me during the discard, that I had ‘simply become addicted to the nice things he said, to the flattery’ Huh? What you mean I like being told I was loved and beautiful by the man I loved and thought was beautiful and that is a weakness of mine?? OF course you instantly start thinking is it? Was I? Surely its fine to enjoy being told you are loved, in a relationship or friend ship with a normal person? and yes I liked it very much, trouble was I never really felt it, it was never demonstrated, just empty words…A last-ditch headfuck to send me on my way…
(Also Thank you Escapee for your kind words on the ‘child molester’ thread, I really lost it for while there… still havent found it! you were so kindxx;)
on with the catch-up reading:)
blueskies,
Your ex telling you that you were addicted to flattery is a riot.
Why did he bother to convince you of how wonderful he is, if not so that you would support his shaky ego?
It’s why the whole experience put me off compliments. If someone can tell me how wonderful I am and I care, they can just as easily tell me how horrible I am and I’ll care. It all just feels so manipulative, whether or not it’s intended that way.
It’s why I’ve switched to giving and believing statements about what something meant. “That made it easier for me.” “That helped me understand.” “That made me feel good about myself.”
I’m trying to get out of the judging business, positive or negative.
‘The kind and caring sociopath’ PUH!
I think this is a really excellent discussion though.
I think that the S/P I had a relationship with believed he was kind and caring, he certainly works very hard to create the impression amongst people he knows(it only works long distance or at arms length, or for a short while of course), he uses all the right words, its a FANTASY of his, his actual real life behaviour is not caring because he doesnt GET it. He cannot get it, he can barely go through the motions. He uses the WORDS and believes his own b/s.
Kathy:)x
The laugh riot is that I DONT like compliments, I have NEVER been comfortable with them, not very often recieved them, and never craved them. He lavished them on me to the point of embarrassment, urged me to accept them as ‘truth’ then BAM! Turned it round as a weakness!lol!
I said that wrong. I’m trying to limit my judging to what it meant to me.
So instead of telling someone he’s an insensitive jerk, I say, “That seemed unfair to me, and it hurt me.”
I think it’s more powerful to speak out of our own experiences. And then if someone tells us that we’re wrong or there’s something wrong with us for feeling that way, it becomes clearer what they’re attempting to do. Invalidate our reality. Make us second-guess ourselves. Separate us from our own self-interest. Be right at all costs.
My next article is going to be about emotional freedom, something I keep talking about. And some of this comes down to how we talk, and what we accept in the way people talk to us.
We do not have to accept other people’s judgments about us. They don’t walk in our shoes.
A new lily and Sabrina, I think we were all three posting over each other (at the same time) so I didn’t see you two’s comments until after my post came up, so will respond now.
I ran into my egg donor at the super market a few MONTHS ago and I didn’t see her as she stood watching me and waitin gfor me to get through the check out line and then she came over to me (SUPRISE) I was UN-expectedly running into her and then she tried to TRIVALIZE my fears of my P son and avoidance and NC of her by saying “Oh, Oxy, don’t beeeeee like that” and man alive I WENT OFF ON HER IN THE STORE.
I was literally shaking for 18 hours afterwards and I realized several learning points from the event. Number one, that I need to do everything I can to maintain NC so I do not shop that store on monday when she is likely to be there, and number 2, I realize that seeing her UN-expectedly is a BIGGER trigger and 3. I also realize that the nasty way I felt after the BIG DOSE OF STRESS HORMONES (literally llike I was going t puke) made me realize that I NO LONGER have hat continual level of stress hormones circulating in my blood and there was a time I did have that HYPER STATE OF STRESS 24/7….and I thought that was “normal” and now I realize that when I am triggered, it lasts only a few minutes or a few hours and the SHOCK is usually NOT as bad as when I was TRIGGERED and on HYPER ALERT all the time.
In fact, the other day i was in my lounge chair in the LR and had fallen asleep one of my friends who is an “open the door without a knock and come in friend” (notice the door is no longer locked 24/7 if I am not home alone on teh farm) came in and actually came over to where I was and I DID NOT WAKE UP!
Those of you who know me from “back when” know that that is real progress in me feeing secure and safe in my own home.
I an not “jumpy” like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, any more, but I can still be triggered and maybe always will be to some extent, but it “shore ain’t what’d it usta-be”
A NewLily, I am not afraid of snakes either, but having observed several very severe poison snake bites in humans I RESPECT the poison ones and like the non-poisoonous ones. We have quite a few copper heads in this area and the occasional water moccosin, so I am careful around the house and yard and don’t put my hand where I can’t see where it is going in the garden, yard, or outbuildings. If I am picking up something I make sure I know what is under it so I can do it safely.
However, I think what your husband did to you is VIOLENCE, and not a “practical” joke at all. I like a really good well thought out “practical joke” on someone that it “fits” well, but (A) only if they are a good friend and would appreciate it and (B) it does’t involve anything that would make someone injure themselves or (C) A + B and in retaliation for a practical joke they have pulled on you.
I love reading these posts..it helps so much….my ex S..told me my “Expectations were to high”……LMAO….I actaully fought him on it at first..then started to believe it….but no more…my expectations werent to high…I EXPECTED him to follow through on his promises/words..I EXPECTED him to show respect…I EXPECTED him to be a Partner in parenting…I expected him to work….I expected him to not drink everyday and not go to bars and text message other women…I expected him to be decent…I expected him to be a human being…..my expectations werent to HIGH…dammit…they were to LOW…I accepted his crap….and hated mtself for it…thank god the second time around I didnt put up with it for 2 long…I would simply tell him DON:T come home…he slept on couches..and when he felt like it…when he was done..or tired of where he was at..he would crawl back..with a worthless excuse…so as far as my expectations being to HIGH……for him..yes…as he wasnt human to be able to fulfill any expectations…..
Wow. I had never thought of the snake incident as violence, but it was, wasn’t it? I did realize at the time there was malice behind the prank but I also “dismissed” it as a grade school bully-boy prank to upset some little girl.
I didn’t know yet of his diagnosis or I would have recognized that disordered persons never grow up, but remain in “childhood.” At the time of this prank, the “man” was about 40 years old!
Your “take” on my story reminds me of how very important it is to have feedback on our stories for the new ways of thinking. I guess it explains why “they” try to isolate us so we can’t be privvy to such insights.
Oxy, I rejoiced as I visualized you so calm and serene in your own house when your friend came over — through unlocked door. That’s a real milestone for you and an inspiration for the rest of us.