What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
PI Now, end the pain and Lily, etc. it seems we were all posting over each other “all at the same time together” as my son at age 3 would have said!
PI, I wasn[t sure if I was the only blogger triggered by these disordered people trolling on the blog….I have even engaged them in the past, but I will not do so any more.
One poster even “welcomed” them (the welcoming new bloggers is a tradition here at LF) and later she said (forgive me my CRS is bad today so can’t remember who) that she was anxious because she didn’t know if we were SUPPOSED to welcome them etc.
I think I was one of the people who started that “tradition” a couple of years ago because when I would go on to a blog and post and then others would “post around me” only addressing their “friends” and ignoring me I felt rather “left out” so I made a POINT to welcome EVERY new screen name I saw and over time others also started doing this and it has kind of become a “custom” or ‘tradition” here and frankly I think ti iis one of the things that makes LF VERY SPECIAL and bloggers feel comfortable here.
I remember Henry telling me how my “welcoming” him just a little while after he made his first post made him feel good about being here and I ahve had other bloggers tell me the same thing.
People come and go here, some for a little while and others for quite some time. I am at nearly 2 years (plus or minus a few months as I can’t remember exactly when I started blogging here but I know it was in the summer of 07) I had been on another “survivor” group that had problems with flaming and name calling and some “managers” who were themselves disordered I think, the site was owned by Sam Vankin (of all people, speaking of PSYCHOPATHS!) After he posted an article entitled “Jesus Christ was a Narcissist” and after being “counseled by mangagement” AGAIN about syaing “God bless you” to other bloggers (it might “offend someone” who had been religiously abused wasx the excuse they gave me for “counseling” me) I got tired of walking on egg shells and left the group and found LF and felt greatly welcomed here by posters like aloha and others and haven’t been back to the other blog at all since.
Donna runs a “good ship” here and i appreciate it and am so gratreful to her for the huge amount of work she must put in to keeping LF going. The “waves” that will keep on rippling across the ages from the small stone she has thrown into the huge pond of the universe will go on rippling for a long long time.
I am much stronger now than I think I have ever been in my life, more self assured, like myself better, and am happier and P-free for the first time….I owe 99.9% of it all to LF and the wonderful people I have met here….I do know, though, that for myself, I will never get to where I am “perfectly healed” because life is a learning process and a journey not a destination, and there will always be more to learn, more to experience, and more joy ahead! that’s why I stay here, but now, I’m not here 16 hours a day, but pop in and out between chores or other things in my life that I enjoy, but for a while, LF was my LIFE BOAT and I ate here, i slept here, and I blogged here practically 24/7.
I get cranky when a P invades “our safe space”
Hi everyone…
i really didn’t expect my response to that post to generate the response it did…Katya, PiNow…you understood where I was coming from…Kathy, you as well…(and by the way, Kathy, I left some unrelated feedback on your blog).
Oxy, I wasn’t diagnosing or undiagnosing that poster. If he/she was diagnosed as a sociopath, maybe he/she is. My response, as Katya noted, was meant to be somewhat respectfully dubious and facetious.
I was simply stating what I think is a truism: that if, in fact, you are a kind and caring individual who never manipulates and exploits others, you are not a sociopath.
I stress: it wasn’t for me to assess the veracity (or possible manipulativeness and deception) of the poster’s self-description. Of course the poster could have been a charlatan, a provocateur, a real sociopath, or possibly–and it is possible–a misdiagnosed sociopath. I really don’t know.
Thanks!
Steve
Again, I was merely pointing out that objective descriptors such as “kind and caring” and “unmanipulative” do not conform to the sociopath’s profile. I meant nothing more than that in my response; and certainly didn’t mean to imply a failed appreciation for how sociopaths and exploiters can fool themselves and others.
sorry about that appended p.s. it was meant to be in the body of my last post.
Steve, not to get in the discussion about the “am a diagnosed sociopath”.
This entry is just a personal insight in how I work/feel about this issue here at lovefraud whenever we get (which look like more these days?) a visit from this type of poster.
Personally, If I feel like the poster “trigger” a reaction in me I stop and then shutdown any communications (entries) between this poster and myself. I do this as a defense switch because I fear I might hurt the site and post something I might enter that I would regret later on. I do this also to protect myself and the poster. Emotional triggers for me can happen so quickly that I might react too quickly causing more harm then good. This is why sometimes you will see me post and ask the poster(s) not to reply or to stop communication with me by post. One thing (if they are telling the truth) is that I am thankful for the poster being nice enough to tell others they are a sociopath. But in all honesty, whenever this does happen I take what the poster states with a grain of salt. Another trait of a person that suffer from a PD is they may be in fact a pathology liar which makes it even harder to know if the poster is being honest or not. Another question for myself is why a poster who has this disorder would even come here? It’s not like any of us can help them. This site is formatted to help victims not the abusers.
Anyway Steve these are my personally insights and feeling and wanted to just express them to the members and you.
Thanks 🙂
I’m sitting here thinking of S, “looking in the rear view mirror” and I’m wondering if he was a “peeping tom”. He told me a few times that he liked to go walking late at night in the summer. Which I thought was odd since he weighed close to 350 pounds and he became red in the face and out of breath when he would bend over to tie his shoes. I know he was on porn sites and was a member. I am wondering if anyone could tell me what the signs of a peeping tom are.
Thank you, James…I hear everything you are saying. You make great sense. I appreciate and value your comments!
Steve
Steve,
You did NOT do anything “inappropriate” in your response to the “kind and caring” person who said they were also a “diagnosed” psychopath. You simply expressed your opinion (either literal or tongue in cheek) that they might have been “misdiagnosed” if they were indeed “kind and caring.”
The “problem” was not what you said at all….the “problem” was WITHIN ME in how I REACTED to what you said, which wasn’t even directed to me.
In the past week or so I have been on BOTH ends of this TRIGGERING THING, I was contacted (privately) a few days ago by someone who was VERY MUCH TRIGGERED AND HURT by something I said which was, just like your post, NOTHING WRONG IN THE POST, just that that person was highly triggered and hurt at reading it, which was NOT directed at them at all.
I actually didn’t realize until last night JUST HOW MUCH this comment TRIGGERED ME because I dreamed about it all night in a nightmare scenario that left me almost weak this morning.
This is all a “tempest in a tea pot” and “over nothing” EXCEPT that it TRIGGERED A LATENT problem within ME. I became upset with you, and it wasn’t anything you did “wrong” because you didn’t do anything wrong, but I
took it wrong” because of my previous trauma.
Having been on BOTH sides of teh triggering process (having triggered another blogger and having BEEN triggered) I think I am able to logically see BOTH sides of the story. Her feelings were valid though I said nothing “wrong” and my feelings were “valid” though Steve said nor did anything wrong. I think there is a BIG LESSON here for ALL OF US…that something we say in ALL INNOCENCE can be INTERPRETED by someone who is RAW (even if they themselves aren’t aware of just how raw) and TRIGGER THEM, and we, on the other hand must realize that when something someone else says TRIGGERS US, we need to STOP, LOOK AND CONSIDER what about the s tatement or post triggered US rather than getting angry and impuning motives to the other blogger.
I am VERY PROUD of the posters here on LF because in other settings there would have been a HUGE FLAP WITH MUCH FLAMING GOING ON….but instead, we have each expressed our opinions in an at least “civil” way t oward each other in spite of any triggered FEELINGS and shown respect for each other, and done some INTROSPECTION about what it was that did trigger us that were triggered.
As we learn MORE ABOUT OUTSELVES and why we are triggered, we can make those triggers LESS SCARY and hopefully desensitize ourselves to those triggers.
The nightmare I had last night where I was trying to defend myself to community members for going NC with my egg donor and the smear campaign she was going to great lengths to keep going about how I was trying to steal money from her, etc. also made me realize that there is some WORK I NEED TO DO on this aspect of my healing. I am the one who has done no wrong, told no lies, and yet, I am the one branded the greedy liar by my egg donor, and she is the poor pitifful old lady abused by her greedy daughter who has deserted her.
I know that NONE of that is true, but truth doesn’t always win the debate.
I hope that NO ONE here will stop posting their opinions in a truthful and forthrightly manner because someone(s) was/were “triggered” by a post that there was nothing in teh world wrong with. I think all of us have had plenty of “walking on egg shells” to keep from setting off the psychopaths in our lives that we are tired of doign that….but I am convinced that we can still express our own individual opinons and tell our stories in a respectful way and if it does trugger someone, we can work it out. Because someone is triggered it does NOT mean that what you said is “wrong” or “mean” it actually has nothing to do with what you say or in most cases how you say it. The “problem” is not with the poster, but with the receiver being triggered by some unresolved issue. sometimes I (we?) might like to “blame” the poster for being insiensitive or whatever word we want to use, but in the end, the REACTION we have to ANY post (even a disrespectful one) is OUR REACTION. OUR FEELINGS and no one can MAKE us “feel bad” or “be hurt” if we don’t allow it.
I can be “mean” and call you a “doo doo” but YOU ARE THE ONE WHO CHOSES TO LET THAT HURT YOU—-I have only the control over your feelings that YOU allow me to have.
What we are doing in our healing is TAKING BACK CONTROL of our feelings from others that we had given them. There was a time when my P-son saying something hateful to me broke my heart, but now those same words would bounce off like water off a tuck’s back because I no longer ALLOW his words to hurt me. I have taken back CONTROL from him. I am learning to take back total control of my reactions to other’s words or deeds as well, but it is a long process and I am still a “work in progress.”
Thank you ALL and especially Steve, for bearing with me as I make the journey toward the “ciity limits of Healing.”
Ablessingd said
“Hmm, I am a diagnosed sociopath but I don’t find ways to manipulate people when I’m bored. In fact, I don’t do it at all.
Just because I lack in empathy and remorse doesn’t mean I wish anything bad on anyone. I’m a kind and caring person, I go out of my way for others, but I struggle with certain emotions that others readily feel.”
————————-
My first response was what Steve said… perhaps this was a misdiagnoses…My second response was and always will be something I briefly touched on with Kathleen Hawk many many months ago…. my experience was almost as if MANY OF THE THINGS MY X-TOX DID WERE NEVER FROM A PLACE OF INTENTIONAL HARM…ALTHOUGH THEY WERE WRONG…THEY WERE MORE FROM A PLACE OF SELFISHNESS AND ABSOLUTELY NO INHERENT UNDERSTANDING OF THE CONSEQUENCES TO HIS ACTIONS.
I AM MOST CERTAIN THAT THERE IS A SPECTRUM OF SOCIOPATHS..AND THAT SOME EXHIBIT ALL OF THE HORRIFIC BEHAVIORS AND INTENTIONS THAT STEVE AND SO MANY OTHERS HAVE EXPERIENCED IN HORRIFIC RELATIONSHIPS WITH SOCIOPATHS…SOME WHO HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO BOUNDARIES WITH EXPLOITATION AND MANIPULATION… BUT I EXPERIENCED A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO TRULY BELIEVED HE WAS KIND AND GOOD IN HIS OWN WORLD (MAYBE A CASE OF UNKNOWINGLY MANIPULATING HIMSELF IF THATS POSSIBLE??) HE DISPLAYED VERY LITTLE UNDERSTANDING IN SOCIAL SKILLS (EXCEPT FOR INITIAL FEW MONTHS OF MIRRORING OR BEHAVING THE “LEARNED WAY” FROM HIS PRIOR EXPERIENCES, BUT HIS CORE, HIS BEING WAS CLUELESS ABOUT HOW TO GIVE/RECIPROCATE NORMAL HUMAN INTERPERSONAL INTERACTION BOTH SOCIALLY AND INTIMATELY. CANT EXPLAIN IT.
BUT DEAR OXY, IT IS CLEAR TO ME THAT YOUR EXPERIENCE IS WITH THE FARTHEST END OF THE SPECTRUM OF SOCIOPATHY AND I UNDERSTAND THE TRIGGERS THAT CROSS YOUR BOUNDARIES.
IMHO, SOCIOPATHY IS NOT SO BLACK AND WHITE AS OTHERS MAY CONCLUDE IT TO BE…IT IS CLEARLY WHAT THEY ARE ON ALL LEVELS OF THE SPECTRUM…A MYSTERY …IN THE LIVING AND LIFESTYLE AND CHOICES OF UNUSUAL INDIVIDUALS…
SOME INTENTIONAL CALCULATED AND THOUGHT OUT…AND FOR OTHERS ITS A LACK OF UNDERSTANDING OR INABILITY TO HAVE TRUE EMPATHY COMPASSION OR “A CERTAIN LEVEL OF EMOTIONS” THAT OTHERS HAVE….
EITHER WAY… A SOCIOPATH WHO SAYS HE IS DIAGNOSED AS SUCH HAS THE ABILITY TO SEEK AND LEARN AND CHOOSE TO GROW AS A PERSON TO THE BEST OF HIS ABILITY …SO THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR USING OR EMOTIONALLY ABUSING OTHERS IF YOU ARE AWARE YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT – SEEK TREATMENT. FOR OTHER SOCIOPATHS (UNDIAGNOSED OR IN DENIAL) WHO ROAM THE EARTH – THERE IS NO HOPE FOR THEM ONLY FOR US TO REMAIN NC WITH THEM!!!!!! BECAUSE THEY SEEK NO HELP/THERAPY AND BELIEVE IN THEMSELVES AND THEIR CHOICES AND UNHEALTHY WAYS OF LIVING AND BEING IN RELATIONSHIPS… NC IS LIFE CHANGING FOR THE BETTER!!!!!!!
Oxy, thanks for your illuminating explanation. You are describing a very complicated, sensitive experience and I salute you for the honesty and great personal insight with which you share it.
Steve
Oxy, it sounds like you’re doing a lot of work with this.
Here’s another thought on the topic, which may or may not be useful. When other people are triggered, there’s no question that it’s their stuff. This thing with Steve and the self-described sociopath is a great case study. We are all (me included) highly sensitive on this issue. We don’t want them around. We want this place to be a safe (as much as possible, given that it’s a public forum) place for us to mutually support each other. And a lot of us get triggered — in various ways, depending on where we are in our healing — if one shows up, or if we think one of us isn’t taking it seriously enough.
But what about if we trigger each other? By talking our own truth, and maybe being pretty adamant about it. I think it’s virtually impossible for us to not do that, if we have strong opinions. I’ve been in this situation a few times, both in blogging and in writing the articles. Something I wrote hit a vulnerable spot on someone else, and that person reacted emotionally.
I’ve been really challenged by these situations. My first reaction is kind of defensive. Why are they trying to make me wrong, and getting so forcefully emotional about it? But for me, the harder part is realizing that often there is no way to build a bridge that solves the problem. Our bases of belief are simply different. Sometimes it’s because we’re in dramatically different stages of healing, which affects the way we see the world. But sometimes it’s because we just have fundamentally different beliefs about how things work, under any circumstances. If we talk about those things, we are always going disagree.
Which eliminates all possibility of an intellectual, rational solution and brings me back to the emotional content. This person is in pain and she regards me as the source. At that point, it doesn’t really matter who’s wrong or right, since there’s no resolution there anyway. It doesn’t do any good for me to point out that she’s projecting some personal issue on me, because because she’s going to hear it as me being patronizing or non-responsive. The only piece of this that offers a possible way to connect with her and resolve this is if I recognize that she’s in pain. And she’s being brave and trusting me enough to tell to me about it, rather than crawling under the covers to suck her thumb or going off to badmouth me to someone else.
If I see this, I don’t have to do anything about it. I can shrug it off as her problem, and probably some kind of learning process for her. I can leave her to it.
Or, if I care enough, I can respect that there’s probably a reason for the feelings that’s important to her, even if it doesn’t make sense to me, and just be there with her. It’s no skin off my nose to acknowledge how she feels. It doesn’t mean I’m agreeing with anything more than that she feels that way, and that I care about the fact that she’s suffering.
I’ve learned more about mutual comfort and support on LoveFraud than I’ve learned in my entire life. Through the support I’ve received and seen given to other people. And, of course, through the ways I’ve triggered people, and the mistakes I’ve made in dealing with them. I believe in something I call “feedback from the universe.” If something I do has results I don’t want, then I try to figure out what there is to learn from that. And I’m slowly getting better at speaking from my heart, and being less of a know-it-all. It’s work, because being a know-it-all is a way I protect myself. Naturally it is the single biggest thing about me that draws fire, because all of us are sensitive about being victims of misused authority.
So, I guess that where I’m going with this is related to my last post on self-love. None of us are perfect, but all of us are lovable. All of us have important reasons for how we feel, whether or not anyone else understand them. If our friend gets afraid or angry or hurt with us, it’s happening in their world. We have to respect that. If we’re not triggered too, we can be with them, while they talk it out for themselves, be compassionate about their feelings without arguing about why they’re having them, or without thinking it’s about us.
And fortunately, most of the time, when one person is triggered, the other one isn’t. But if both are, eventually one person is going to have to postpone getting their acknowledgement and be a friend to the other person, until the other person is okay enough to return the favor. In all of it, the content of the issue is probably less important than the emotions involved.
Oxy, thanks for your insightful and thought-provoking post. I’m so sorry you’ve been through a painful situation. You’re my good and valued friend, and my heart is with you.
Kathy