What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Yes, dead on. ” whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go.”
Before I realized what I was dealing with, I couldn’t believe the pace at which the P/S/N lived. ALWAYS on the move. Would come home from a month overseas and in two days be off on another trip. And when alone for an evening, would drink a bottle of wine and call women. This from him, a multimillionaire in a huge Mchouse: “I’ve returned to the nothingness I call home”. And always having to do something spectacular and impressive on each birthday, like a marathon run, etc.
But mostly the way he cheated on his wife, even with her best friend because “we were both alone that night” tells the tale. And how he treated the “other” women.
Joy
Really liked your comments about ‘overlapping’ relationships and ‘having their next victim/s lined up’. Bang on. they do have patterns – another piece of info to arm yourself with – my particular Ss phone bill read like a dating diary – calls to me to make his ‘stable relationship’ plans and immediate calls/texts to his satellite women to line them up for the ‘gaps’when I wasn’t around – thought I was inventing it all till I talked to some of them! All the time, he was talking about our wedding plans/future together and how it would all be one big pot one day, persuading me to pay for everything -classic! Hope the scumbags all end up alone at the mercy of Nurse Rachett!
Good Night!
Sorry for hogging the page tonight –
Escapee Shabbychic2
Yes, I do know I was used and they could see that I could be used. I guess I’m upset with myself because I could see the red flags and still denied or ignored them. I held out for the belief that he loved me, and some part of me is still holding on to some hope that he loves or cares for me. I blocked his number from my phone and quit my job because I knew that I would be looking for him to call or come to my place of work to talk to me. Yet I’m still looking for him to say sorry and have an explaination. He was relentless and I was desperate to get away from him and yet I still look for him. I know this says more about me than him. It’s good to talk with someone that’s been there.
Bang on Dr. Steve. It occurs to me that they are constantly bored because they are not engaged in other peoples lives, feelings, emotions and so on. When I am amongst freinds and family we have so MUCH to discuss because we care about each other, we tell stories, we philosophize, we unburden, we seek connection.
None of this is of any interset to the P. Conversations are to indimidate, manipulate and exploit, or for self aggrandizement. Gifts are for show, promises are just words. They are bored because they have no connection to the real people around them, and I believe when they act out to relieve the boredom, through risk taking,conning whatever, they feel in control, as if they are “managing” their boredom and creating the excitment they seek.
Unfortunately in the early stages, the excitment gets us caught up in the vortex as well. They are so charming and exciting and they picked us! Wow, we feel special.
The more I learn the happier I am to be out. Alone and happy,not bored. Massively more free than any P could ever be.
And to Confused, I would like to say, of course it is confusing. And in the early stages very painful and crazy making, when in withdrawal from a P. On good days they mirrored that which we love most about ourselves, or our values and interests. They idealized and flattered and so on. It feels very real and we want that in our lives. The partner,lover,soul mate, companion.
When we have to realize it was all fake, we are letting go a piece of ourselves that was reflected back. Be kind to yourself. Feel proud of coming out of the fog. This too shall pass, and you will be stronger and wiser, likely even happier in the future.
Peace and love
Confused2
Was just about to go – but get this. I spent all last year doing the same thing. Hating and loathing him while at the same time looking for his car outside my office when I finished – My S was also relentless in his pursuit. All the times over the years I broke away because of ‘I didn’t know what’ and he would come after me. I later found out he’d created situations so I would ‘end things’, he’d go off, have a few weeks of dallying around with whoever (ususally more than one) and then when they’d ‘sussed him out’/dumped him or he got bored, he’d be back on my case (took me years before I found all this out).
So you see, your responses are borne out of the confusion as a result of being with an arch manipulator. Because you think with a normal mind, it stands to reason that if you’d wronged or upset someone in some way, you would want to make amends/give some explanation – his head doesn’t work like that. It’s not that he doesn’t think he ought to – it just doesn’t occur to him – if there were some gain on a material level, he might consider it but he knows the game’s up. It takes time – hang in there – he will NEVER say sorry and even if he does (mine did, the first time I got wind of his activities), he won’t MEAN it – it’s just another ploy because he wants something from you – if he still thinks there’s some mileage in you, he’ll be back. I changed my phone number, changed my job and STILL, even though I knew what I knew was looking out for him – it takes time
Take off the mental handcuffs – he has a hold on your mind – work on this and keep telling yourself ‘I choose my truth, not his lies’.
Oh, and he gave me The Time Traveler’s Wife (a book) , and wanted to be able to pop in and out of my life, without advance warning, and have me waiting, ready to do whatever he wanted and to love him and then “understand” when he would suddenly disappear from my life until it suited him to pop back in for a few days. I think the book was to help me understand the role he wanted me to play in his life.
eyeswideshut
I’m just so relieved that I found this blog so I have someone to share this with. I haven’t told my friends because I’m embarrassed about the whole thing. You hit upon the very thing that I miss about him, he made me feel special and loved. And I realize it was all fake and yet I still miss the way he made me feel. Everyday I get a tiny bit stronger but I still have my moments of doubt.
Eyeswideshut
Wise words indeed. I arrived at very similar conclusions to you regarding the flattery and being made to feel special. Some days I think I am where you appear to be but then I fall back – but these are becoming fewer and fewer.
Maybe this gives some hope to Confused2.
Confused2- I could have written your post, I too paid dearly for the pathetic tidbits of attention I craved from the lunatic. I paid for meals, household bills, entertainment-even my friends footed the bill for HIM to go to Las Vegas.My attorney friend represented him in a DUI case for free. My parents forked out money for nice gifts for him and his children. All the while, in the 3 years I dated, then married him, he was stealing cash from my business steadily. I was too trusting, too blindly in love to re count the cash that I had thought was accounted for. He thought up brilliant ways to steal even more from me- took my child support arreage checks that I was receiving RANDOMLY from the mailbox and deposited them into a joint account I didnt know about that I HAD TO PAY TAXES ON (otherwise I would of never known about the checks- in my state- interest on old child support past due accounts must be turned in as INCOME and taxes paid on it). Another “trick” was to change my home address thru the IRS and he received my refund check, illegally deposited it into his account after our divorce. No one will say (at IRS) how he was able to accomplish this, and NO ONE, (bank or IRS)cares that I never received the check sent to ME.
SURE it may be illegal as Hell to do these things, BUT try and recover YOUR MONEY AFTER ITS DONE. I know there are FAR WORSE situations here- but maybe this will help some of you to protect your assets-even future checks are ripe for the pickings of these maniacs who will stop at NOTHING to get your cash.
SPeaking of MANIACS,
ROSA- I believe from a previous blog mentioned Charles Manson as possibly being more schizo than sociopathic. From documentaries about him- he exhibited lots of S traits- EVERY nite, he “preached” and force fed his cult members and continously brainwashed them.
His N tendencies were evident, as he set himself up to be a messiah in the eyes of the other members- be made the females believe they were “lucky” to get to have sex with him, he enticed new male cult members by promises of sex with the other women there(again,exploiting others/and promiscuity)
At first, he made it seem to the cult members they were in a safe paradise, then his teachings became more of violence and of the armegedon he envisioned was coming which installed isolation and fear in the members. He made them feel as if he had privaleged information that only he could protect them from. Scarrrry stuff!
To those struggling with “I still wonder if he loved me”, etc.
For a long time I went back and forth, did he love me or not, is he a good guy or bad guy. The question I never focused on enough: “Is this a decent way to treat someone?” I had to stop making excuses for him, stop “understanding” and realize IT IS JUST NOT THAT HARD TO TREAT PEOPLE RESPECTFULLY. My one friend said “you teach people how to treat you.What are you teaching him is okay by you?” I realized I needed to focus on what I think is appropriate or not, not focus on pleasing him. Take him off the pedestal, and realize you have great worth and should be treated that way. That is some of what I had to learn.