What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dear Oxy,
I understand that you dont understand all of my post because even I wrote “I cant explain” what Im trying to express/articulate about my perception/experience with my x-tox. Its all so rather complicated on so many levels…what would his diagnosis be? Just a pathetic pitiful clueless person or a low level P or socially dysfunctional or a product of an abusive upbringing where he wasnt as “hardwired” as others who were able to learn and grow from his life experiences and remains stunted….
You verbalized pretty much what I was trying to get across in my post.. so thanks for that… I just have this perception that there are a wide range of/reasons for S/P/N….not that either of them matter…. the bottom line is they are ALL TOXIC. I was really responding to a person who said he was diagnosed a P and stated ”
“I dont find ways to manipulate people when Im bored. Just because I lack in empathy and remorse doesn’t mean I wish anything bad on anyone. I’m a kind and caring person, I go out of my way for others, but I struggle with certain emotions that others readily feel.”
His statements struck a chord where my x tox was concerned. I could never wrap my head around how he chose to live his life, treat others, live, etc…and to this day seems confused about how many relationships he has lost and friends he has hurt. Not that he has remorse about it, but he said “people come and go from my life all the time…whats the big deal? As if he is immune to his ways and expects no real connections with anyone. Again, I cant really explain it in a way that would be understood, because I dont even understand it.
NC with him was the only choice I had because he was a combination of clueless, pitiful and probably a low level P, just an awful friend, lover, giver, emoter…. yet clueless about it in so many ways.
I have come to understand they are in life what I call my “AVOIDERS” – I avoid them in terms of welcoming them into my life on a social or personal level ever ever again. As you say, they are ALL DANGEROUS to me if my guard is ever down. But I will say I have no problem suggesting they seek help, a mirror and a good dose of the bible, etc…. Ultimately it does no good to go there, but it does me good to see how far Ive come with protecting myself, speaking up and moving on.
Re: triggers….Ill always have em, but they help keep me one step ahead by the time Ive sorted them out…:) and Kathleen, your posts are always helpful and useful…ALWAYS…thanks for wearing your heart and soul on your sleeve here at LF….
I have been missing my daily dose of LF…. spending my days at my sons camp from 9 – 3…enjoying the sights and fresh air and walking the grounds for hours with my ipod. Started taking pictures of the campers experience to pass the time inbetween his bloodsugar checks and insuling dosing, etc…. at the end of camp everyone will be able to take home the action shots of their summer camp days…. say a prayer I havent cut too many heads off in the frame! :))
Everyone here sounds like they are doing well or trying very hard to get their experience (with a P) behind them.. or obviously just finding LF and just beginning to awaken to what theyve been through…whatever the case may be…ITS A JOURNEY…but its one well worth taking…I have a renewed sense about myself and others and life in general. Im more aware of so much and more grounded with my choices with others (letting them in or getting them out of my life). Life is worth trying to sort our way through…it aint easy and the truth will set you free…but piss you off first for sure…and then there is healing and growing and learning out there for all of us…. if we opt for it and commit to NC.
Much love and healing to all, LTL
Learnthelesson,
I’m glad to hear how you are doing and that you are enjoying the summer at your sons camp.
Your such an awesom mom!
Dear LTL,
I’m glad your kid is at camp, I think that is so important. My son D is working at BSA camp this summer, every summer since he was 14 except for 2, one the year of the airplane crash and another one he missed as well…he comes back renewed from his counseling and “programming” for the kids. I’m not sure he doesn’t get more out of it than the kids do, because it is so rewarding to him to see the growth of the kids from year to year.
Dear Witsend,
How are you doing, sweetie, you are in my prayers daily! I’ve been kinda feeling bum again this summer and apprently had another round of tick fever, but went to the doc and got some antibiotics and actually am feeling better now, more energy and spunk. Still too hot to do much outside except in the mornings or evenings
I hope you are doing better and your son too! (((hugs))))
Dear Witsend,
I think of you from time to time, with prayers and peacefulness going your way… you, too are one heck of a Mom, lady! Your journey with your husband and recently with your son has challenged you beyond measures one should ever have to endure… no doubt in my mind you’re gonna make it through…and hopefully your son will find his path or a path that eventually lends toward less difficult days for your family.
Take care of yourself and I try to check for everyones updates over the weekends. Hope you are doing okay!
Dearest Oxy,
I am hanging in there……Summer there is no school and so there is a bit less “daily” stress over here. So there are some better days and there are some bad days. I am trying to pay close attention what triggers my sons bad days. To see if there is any rhyme or reason to his behaviour/moods.
I am keeping busy reading my books that I ordered.
And trying to focus on my work that for awile I wasn’t able to focus properly on.
My little dog was sick again and I took her to the vet today and I was afraid I might not bring her home as she went downhill very quickly in a 24 hour period. He treated her for dehydration right in the office and hoked her to an IV. And gave her a shot that put her out in the car ride home. He gave me hope that she will be ok and he gave her pretty aggressive treatment.
I love your wisdom Oxy….thanks for thinking of us in your prayers.
Dear Oxy,
Smiles…to you and yours. Another round of tick fever? Oh my gosh…we need to make sure you are covered from head to toe out there on the farm before going outside. But Im glad you are feeling better…take it easy…those tick bites can really knock ya for a loop! Be well. ps. Thanks for sharing your advice and amazing wisdom and posts to everyone full of such REALNESS in this crazy world!!!!
Thanks, Witsend and LTL,
Well, at least I didn’t wait two months before I finally got to the doc for some tests THIS TIME! Medical personnel are SUCH BAD PATIENTS, cause we have no patience! LOL
Maybe feeling bad is why I am so cranky lately! that and too hot to ride any, so cooped up in the house and that’s not my thing! LOL Garden is a disaster except for teh squash and garlic, green tomatoes look like marbles and not many oif them. Should be big ripe ones by now!
I did enjoy watching the new baby goats coming in from the pasture this afternoon, they are only a little over a week old and sooooo cute, just learning to frolic and follow their mother and not have to be carried to pasture with her. Sometimes just a few minutes of something really nice, peaceful and good, mends the soul for hours or days….just like the reverse can be true, something ttriggers us and “ruins” the day or the week.
Focusing on the GOOD and trying to let go of the bad is an ongoing process I know….even though sometimes the bad seems to overwhelm us and we are blinded to the GOOD things we still have with us…keeping in mind that for most of us, truly there is more good than bad now that we are (mostly) away from the Ps, but even if we still have “problems” we need to take some time for ourselves. (((hugs))) and always my prayers.
Witsend, Good to hear back from you. Its good that things are pretty smooth with your son. I hope that the shows you attended were productive. I didnt read how those went, if you’ve already posted anything about it.Just curious if you were happy with the results and wishing you the best. take care all..
Sabrina,
Hi the show was decent. Attendance was way down. But those that were there were buying some. The economy has taken its toll on this business for sure! And the day was VERY hot. and high humidity.
One thing I have noticed that really has something to do with my sons ups and downs is sleep patterns. I have not figured it out quite yet, but it does contribute something. With the summer months and less structure as far as waking time & bed time….Did you notice any unusual sleep patterns with your son and any contribution to his moods/behavior?
Hi LFer’s,
I really need to check in daily as I know how much all of you help me. Wednesday was my 53rd birthday and I felt so tired and “used up”. I feel like I gave my best years (12 of them) to my ex-s and the vitality and energy to live is not going to return. Admidst a very severe addiction to Oxycontin (that he introduced me to) and spending thousands of dollars from my trust, constant companionship OR me feebily trying to get him out of my life–(I have major abandonment issues from childhood that I’ve been working on, off and on for many years)…he finally left me and suddenly met a young waitress that he met, mother of 5 (4 taken away from her by DSS) and got married within a 2 or 3 month period.
It’s the best thing that could have ever happened but the abandonment and betrayal have taken such a toll on me. Then he decided to push back into my life (I was very vulnerable and lonely) and play “BEST FRIENDS” only to use me for money and medication and a shoulder to cry on for another year. Again, I tried to end it many times and finally did when I sent a 10 page letter to his wife and mother revealing many “secrets” only I was privy to- and telling them I wanted to live my own life, etc.
So here I am, he tried to call me twice since then (end of April) unsucessfully, and I had a slip when I was going to lose my job due to a company buy-out and i was very tired and weak, not thinking and wanted some comfort.
He told me he wasn’t abusing drugs, he had stopped lying and his marriage was good. I find this hard to believe as he has lied and abused drugs ever since I’ve known him. …YET I CAN’t help but belive HE IS NOW THE PERSON THAT I WANTED HIM TO BE….and I had that magical thinking and still have it frequently, but especially on my birthday that if he were to call that I would be okay..I would instantly be happy, comforted, feel safe, etc. Then of course, he would preach his undying love for me and say I was the only woman he’s ever loved and he is so so sorry for all the hurt he has caused me…he is a changed man. He is the person I always dreamed he could be, etc. blah blah blah
It’s so ridiculous when I write it all out! i need to find that happiness within that I once had but lost somewhere along the way. It seems so far and out of reach right now and i get so tired of trying, trying, therapy, books, trying to muster up enthusiasm to make the day a good one and falling so short each day.
I have such anger towards this person, sometimes homicidal although I would never do it. I also get suicidal thoughts-but no plan and I doubt I would do that eiether- I just want freedom from this terrible decade plus with this sick, manipulative man….who is on to his next victim and his thoughts are probably so so not on me-yet I still feel addicted to him. such anger and hate-then longing and make believe of this “Prince Charming” tha never existed except in my own head.
I know some of you may be able to relate and as always, I would love the feedback and HELP!
Thanks, britney
P.S. I gotta go out for an errand but will check back when I get back to see if anyone has commented. I am so grateful for all of you and this site.