What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
I can relate:( I had a much shorter period of time involved with the creep, it has brought to the fore the abuse within my family that I have lived with all of these years. It IS exhausting. I am too am reading and trying, I even felt like I was making good progress a couple of months ago, but have slipped into another ‘valley’.
I HATE that I still think about him, he actually revolts and disgusts me, and yet I morn, and I miss the phantom prince. I have very low patches, I am in one now, my ‘suicidal thoughts’ are not really me planning to kill myself, but wishing it would all just stop because I am SO FRICKIN TIRED and sick of thinking about it all!
I got a lot of strength today from reading Kathleen’s post about reclaiming self love…it kind of switched my tracks back towards more ‘here and now’ thinking (towards, havent reached the station yet!).
Oxy said somehwere on here something like these things have to be gone through, you cant go under over or around them and she’s right, but we must maybe try to take ‘tea breaks’ every now and then, just to give our minds a rest.
I went for a walk in our botanical gardens here, there was no one about and it was so beautiful. Its mid summer here in England and the sun was shimmering in the trees and sparkling in the lake, and I didnt think about anything but how beautiful it was for a full 30 minutes!!!! It was psychedelic or should that be psychotropic! and was worth more to my health and state of mind than the so called ‘rest’ I try to get in my bed at night.
Hang in there. be gentle with yourself. BIG HUGS to you.xxx
(P.S I hope this doesn’t sound trite, but Steve’s ‘The Narcissist’s Commandments’ post and the mighty LF-er’s comments are worth checking out for some empowering and mood lifting little chuckles:)xx)
blueskies
“I HATE that I still think about him, he actually revolts and disgusts me, and yet I morn, and I miss the phantom prince. I have very low patches, I am in one now”. I could not have said it better myself. I cried this morning thinking about this sick S. I STILL am thinking about him all the time, my brain just won’t shut down. I took a Lorazepam because I started to feel shaky. The weekends are the hardest for me. I’m still NC but sometimes I want to drive by his house to see what’s going on. And I probably would have by now if I didn’t think he would see me. And I also should admit that I’m thinking of revenge, make him feel some of the pain he has put me through.
britneyhammer
“i need to find that happiness within that I once had but lost somewhere along the way.” I wish I had my happiness back too. Maybe at this point I would settle for peace of mind. I would like to wake up one morning without him being the first thing on my mind. Sometimes I hate myself more for wanting the illusion back. I feel like I’m in an endless cycle.
How to stop the crazy thinking:
http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/06/reality-and-suffering.html
http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/category/thesurvivors
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/Emotional%20Memory.html
There was another great one about you can think straight sitting on the fence , but I can’t find it. I posted the url once, maybe someone has it.
That should have been you CANNOT think straight sitting on the fence
Found the other article, this one really helped me
http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/29/just-because-you-believe-it-doesnt-make-it-true
(this is the one about sitting on a fence)
Also from aa—“Get busy, get better”
It also really helps to surround yourself with people who are passionate about a cause you believe in.
I also put “stop” signs up for a reminder.
The lists of what he did that was unforgiveable helps too.
Hey….tomorrow is independence day….for all of us!!! Happy Independence Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Freedom from self-doubt, from abuse, from intrusive thoughts! Freedom from needing someone! Freedom to love our wonderful self! Freedom to find joy with a dog, a cat, fresh flowers! Freedom to do volunteer work that speaks to OUR heart! Happy independence day everyone!
(*God my spelling is very bad today:-S x)
Confused :)xx I am glad you have resisted driving by. I used to look in on what he was ‘up to ‘ on line etc, but it always made me feel crap and if I get those kind of urges now, I stop myself and ask myself… will doing this make me happy? and the answer is hell no. so I dont. Even if I find out HE is unhappy, then what? will I feel satisfied or try to make contact and throw myself back into something I KNOW STINKS?…oh hang on… there I go thinking about slime again!Exhausting.
I am at the stage I am at, I have tried to run before I could walk with this and I fell on my face… it doesnt seem like it sometimes but its NOT an endless cycle (even with the falling on your face) because every day, believe it or not, we are LEARNING, even if its so slowly we hardly notice it…
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be happy in perpetuity(gosh thats a big ask) then a teeny little voice says…well thats up to you isnt it love… keep on truckin… and I sigh the sigh of the utterly exhausted and agree.
xx
Britneyhammer….he will NEVER change. He is INCAPABLE of change. If he were changed, he wouldn’t be contacting you while married to someone else. He is incapable of sustaining good behavior. He is Prince Harming, not Prince Charming. (saw that in an article).
I’ve changed jobs, but where I used to work, there was a woman 65, bags under her eyes, probably 80 or so pounds overweight, but she was full of joy, always laughing, was well groomed and younger men were flocking to her. Don’t think your best days are gone, they are just starting, but first you have to heal. Treat yourself gently. You’ve been through a lot.
But our past does NOT have to define who we are today! And even if we have vulnerabilities that we can’t seem to shake, then what we do is get some armor!!!
Good for you for writing! Burn the bridges to him so badly that even if you wanted him back, he would NOT come back. That is what I had to do, until I was strong enough to actually NOT want him back. I told him he owed me money and that if he ever bothered me again, I would file in small claims court which is virtually free, I told him that if I ever saw him I would rip him up one side and down the other no matter who was with him and that he better run if he saw me coming. I told him that some big male friends of mine knew the truth and all I had to do was give them the word and he would wish he had never met me. (I didn’t make any threats he could report). I told him I had talked to deputies about him and there was a record on him in case anything ever happened to me. I told him I had not one good memory of him. I told him if he ever contacted me via email or phone or in person, I would consider that stalking because I’ve asked him to not do those things. There was more, but I’m not posting it here, in case some how he would ever read this, because there are more things I did to protect myself that he does NOT know about.
So I did everything I could to make sure he would not contact me and that I would not be able to face myself if I contacted him. I HAD to do that, my body was reacting with vomiting, anxiety attacks, the runs….telling me I could not go on with him anymore.
You didn’t waste all those years. You discovered you are capable of true love, you are capable of great forgiveness, you are capable of surviving mistreatment….you are an incredible person!!!! Focus on what was GOOD about how YOU acted. Celebrate those things in you. They are still there. And now you know how to also protect yourself, as you have discovered, in a way that many people will never be capable of understanding, that there are people in the world who are out to hurt others and at this present time, we can’t help them anymore than we can help someone with Down’s syndrome. They can’t be normal. They can’t be “fixed”. Luckily, people wiht Down’s syndrome can be loving and have a pretty good life, and do so without hurting others. Not true for the men we were involved with!
Being with this man was exhausting, it was ALL about him and his wants and needs etc. I’m relieved to be free of him. But I’m having a bad morning/day. Before I found LF, I tried to call him a few days after I broke up with him, he didn’t answer and I didn’t leave a message, thank god. But the fact is HE didn’t want to talk to ME. He had already moved on and put me in the “crazy” department as he did with his exwife. I know he is incapable of feeling emotional pain like the rest of us, so is it so wrong to wish him physical pain at the very least. Where he works at he would start rumors to see how far they would go, supposedly as a joke. Now I’m thinking along the same lines as him!! He hated it when people talked about him behind his back. Maybe I should start telling people the truth about him and see how he likes it.