What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
I just apologized on another blog for sounding “bossy”. Britneyhammer, that was my way, it may not be your way. But whatever you, and confused2 decided to do, you are not alone.
Just feeling energized today and I get too passionate! 🙂 I just want for us all to be OVER THIS!
Confused2, it is so hard to resist the revenge. I didn’t totally. But you can’t win with these guys. They are that determined to win. Always.
It is also hard to accept that they simply change the channel, while we are left devastated in the heart, even when the brain knows it is a good thing he is out of our life.
But for me, I had to really, really accept that NOTHING I could do would ever have the impact on him that I hoped it would, except that I knew I could make him not want to contact me ever again. Finally. After 40 years of mild stalking. He is finally out of my life, and almost locked out of my active brain. In fact I know I need to stop posting at some point! That is not true for everyone, thank goodness! I so admire those who stay and help, over and over.
Confused:)x I get the way you are thinking, but you know dont you that whatever you ‘do’ to him is futile. He doesnt give a CRAP about anything for a start, and you starting rumors will just give him another belly laugh becuase he will be able to 1.) say see? look, she’s a total loon trying to ruin me or 2.) help him to gauge how suckered in everyone is or isnt around him;enjoy that he’s duped everyone, OR give him a head’s up to move on because he see’s that people aren’t. Dont waste your energy on it spend it on you:)xxx
Hey JAH! You sound very up beat today and I love it! xx I want some!! I hope you have a great 4th of July:)xx (I dont know what that entails being a stuffy old Brit but I hope it’s a good-un;)xxx
blueskies, justabouthealed
I KNOW I have to let it go. Today I’m just having a difficult time with it. And in my mind he is having a WONDERFUL, FUN FILLED weekend and I’m home moping. Trust me the woman he’s with thinks she’s having the time of her life too, he won’t start his mindf**k games with her for a few months. And I’m not even thinking of warning her, she wouldn’t believe me and the S would think”awwww she misses me”. I don’t want to do anything to bring that twisted S back in my life. But I do have this urge to lash out at him…I have the above articles in my favorites, I have read some and will read more when I’m calmer. Thank you for letting me vent.
Just read two funny quotes:
“He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.”-George Elliot
“We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him”-Shelley Winters
I am sending you a great BIG HUG Confused 2.xx
justabouthealed
I’m laughing my butt off!!!
blueskies
Thank you, just what I needed today!
I am in awe at all you have written! I keep thinking I need to get things done (like organize and pay my bills and do the dishes- I feel so overwhelmed at how unmanageable my life is-I don’t know wha to do so I came back to LF) I had a glass of wine at lunchtime to ease my anxiety but it didn’t help-I got home and looked at my disorganized home and got more anxious.
I think about revenge all the time, sometime I wish he was dead-sometimes I pretend he’s dead-it helps. Then I want him to call-why? So he can tell me some more lies?
He’s gotten probably $100,000 from me all in all-isn’t that enough?
I feel so lonely and alone. I let a couple stay with me who was going through hard times, but started to feel taken advantage of so I asked them to leave-PROGRESS! Before, I would have let them stay. I just want someone to love me-but I know I have to love myself a little bit more before that happens—I’m just sick of the background sound of the TV being my companion. I want laughter again. Healing is so slow. My family has no clue that I am still having difficulty with this-they would be angry that I am letting him have “free rent” in my head. I’m miserable-but I’m grateful for all your posts and i know when i reread them I will be able to recieve more. My love to all of you
I’ve been feeling the same as some of you… tired, rejected, blah. It helps to read the encouraging posts here. I’m in my early 50’s and I can’t believe my choices brought me to this place… alone.
I have quite a few girlfriends, but, you know what? They never call me, I’m always the one calling them, asking if they want to get together for a cup of coffee or lunch. I’m getting sick of it and I have 99% decided I’m not going to call them anymore, then I’ll really be alone. My sister is married, my brother has a girlfriend, I can’t be hanging around them constantly, they have their own lives to live and their own friends. I was going to women’s “meet-up” groups from the internet, we were doing some fun things, I didn’t know any of them very well + I can’t spend too much money going out.
I live on one coast and my daughter lives on the other one, that’s the worst of the whole thing.
So what is your opinion? Should I just give up of my “friends”?
no, hold onto them, you are lucky to have girlfriends! So what if you’re the one that calls- you are a go getter! Be grateful to have your friends. I only have one or two.One is a busy single mother. Another friend can’t understand where I’m at so I can’t be totally honest wth her.A friend is a gift. (Just my opinion).