What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
I thought I’d post this comment on the boredom thread… I can’t deal with this being alone stuff, it’s killing me, I can’t accept it, I have nobody to do anything with, girlfriends are busy or have husbands/boyfriends, I won’t go out by myself, so that’s out, I don’t know what to do, I am miserable to the point of just falling into the pit of depression.
I probably said this before, forgive me, but if you live anywhere near an animal shelter or a senior center, for example, there is someone who needs and will appreciate your love.
You have a right to your feelings, but if you want a way out, that is a good path. Get involved with giving love to someone who needs AND deserves it. And it will come back to you.
If you don’t want to go out alone, volunteer to foster a litter of kittens, they will bring a smile to your face and you will be saving lives. If you need help finding someone to foster for, let me know. And it is a step to new friends,furry and not.
shabbychic
As a single parent myself I can sympathies with those emotions. Even with work and my children I too feel at times alone in a room full of people or even on a crowded bus. We are social creature and have a need for other people but this need can be even deeper insomuch we need that close bond that which can only be achieved by a special bond with an particular partner who we then bond with on many levels. This significant other is hard to find but I do believe find them we will if we are patience and learn more about ourselves. My personal caution with friends is to be careful and not take just anyone. To keep learning about one’s self so when that person does walk into our life we will know and be secure in that belief.
JAH & James: Thank you for your supportive comments, I really appreciate it!!!!!!!!
shabbychic, you wrote: “I can’t deal with this being alone stuff, it’s killing me,”
Just wanted you to remember that there are many of us in the same situation — no one to do fun stuff with, laugh with, discuss, celebrate holidays, etc. and never expecting we’d find ourselves in this position.
As one such person, I particularly identify with your comment about not wanting to go out by yourself. I am still healing from a broken hip (4 months now!!) and haven’t even been able to go out — so any of the new friends I made are long gone.
I’ve been able to drive though — but just to my doctors’ appointments. Yesterday, (Sunday) I was so frustrated that I drove to the pharmacy, hobbled in, and bought a cane — even though my orthpedist said not to get one. (Teenage rebellion revisited?)
And THEN, I drove to the nearest IHOP (a pancake house), sat in a booth by myself, and ordered a plate of Hawaiian pancakes. Of course I had a motivation — being totally tired of TV microwave meals!.
I sat there thinking, why was I so worried about going to a cafe by myself? This wasn’t difficult at all — and the pancakes were out of this world delicious.
Someday, I hope to have recovered enough to do some of the other activities, others have mentioned — as I once did!
In the meantime, I know I’ll take myself out to breakfast, lunch, or dinner ALL BY MYSELF again as the budget allows. I can do it!!
Try it, shabbychic, I’ll bet you’ll find it isn’t so difficult at all. Besides, the waiters and waitresses are always eager to chat a bit as they take your order and bring your food. I didn’t feel alone at all!!
I had brought a book along just in case I felt I needed it. I didn’t! I counted this a personal victory for me.
Hey Ms. Chic:)x
I understand how you are feeling. I am in the thros of a major weeding session of the toxic people I have been surrounded with my entire life, I am drawing my boundaries and there are people who dont like it, and it is scaring the crap out of me…that thought of being ‘alone’ (the last few days I just keep going back to kathleen’s wonderful self love article, it’s given me a lot of strength).
There is also the problem where the relationship with the s/p directly (through his smear campaigns) and indirectly through my total loss of confidence and depression, I have become isolated from or lost touch with people.
Last weekend I was invited to a birthday ‘do’ for a lovely friend of mine from years back,who I just havent made the effort to keep in conact with (boo for me) she REALLY is one of this worlds good guys, she is also a single parent like me (of an austicic child) doesnt have a big salary ect. but her positive outlook and goodness just makes her ‘shine’.
Aaanyway, I was very nervous, I think I have become slightly agorophobic, and I would be the only one who didnt know anyone but her at the party, but I went. I had a beautiful evening and ‘got my groove on’ for the first time in years! Her friends were gentle and welcoming, and I had a real boost from the experience.( excuse my waffling, I cant stop it!)
It has given me a bit of a kick up the bum: Now I am out of the FOG – I DO need to weed out or change the dynamic with those friends (I realise that not only is my family toxic, I need to draw some serious boundaries with some of my ‘close’ friends…they are not particularly nice, I have been playing lap dog for years) that are bad for me, but I also REALLY need to NURTURE those that are good kind people and wholesome to be around and NOT just let them slip off my radar only to be left with the vampires because they’re making all the noise!
Its not about wether they call me every day, or if we get together every weekend but choosing the people that are good for me which is wonderful and not as narcissistic as it sounds (I am not talking social climbing or financially here!) BECAUSE it means I can return it freely. does that make sense?
Maybe this time is an evaluation period for you, to think about the good healthy friendships you have and how to nurture them (and yourself) and the ones that are not so good and how to let them go a bit… what is GOOD for you? It’s turning out to be like that for me.
Going out on your own is fine, I have done it many time before I lost my confidence…
Dont loose friends who are good-un’s…by all means move away from the ones that aren’t and dont be afraid, even if your left with just ONE good-un, or none, you are changing the direction of your (social) life to a happier one and that is going to be a good thing.
Now – fancy coming over for a nice little BBQ and a jug of Pimms?! My garden is in full bloom, full of Jasmin, Lilies and Roses. Raspberries Cherries and plenty of mint for the Pimms:)x
Shabbychic:
I have always said…..it’s just us and our shadows…..at this point you are going to have to rely on your shadow.
I realized a few months back that no one was going to barge into my house and force me out into public to socialize and meet people…..I was going to have to ‘put’ myself out there…..just me and my shadow.
It’s all about where we are ‘at’ in our healing…….
Lonliness is a sad emotion……but necessary for healing……I found that only when I was just so sick of whatever stage I am in currently……that is when it’s time to move on to the next.
I made a point of ‘testing’ myself in ‘public’ by smiling (sometimes forced) at anyone I came across…..gas station, post office, grocery store etc….I LOVED the reaction I got….it was contageous and I caught on to it. I wanted to have that effect on people……
We need to be content with ourselves before we can be content with others.
Get to know who Shabbychic is…..whether it be sad, happy, lonely, frightened, estatic, bored…..when we know ourselves, we know how to react.
We need to deal with lonelyness like we dealt with the S’s. Head on. Take the boredom by the balls and get out there. We have to stop ourselves from ‘making ourselves’ invisible in the world…even when we do go out.
Use each ‘outing’ as a self esteem booster…..each time will empower you for the next. It’s like a snowball effect.
We have to be healthy and happy in our own skin, to attract what we all are looking for, whether it be a friendship or relationship.
Have faith that when YOU have done all the work on yourself that you need to do to heal from the S and destruction and pain……that is when things will turn around.
I so believe that everything happens for a reason and life will work out the way it should…….we may not be happy or expect the way it works out or the process along the way……but if we do the work…..the rewards will come.
Key to the boredom and lonelyness is PATIENCE, FAITH and CONTROL. Patience/faith and Control of/in our emotions, Patience/faith and control of/in our situation, Patience/faith and control of/in ourselves.
Your gonna have to get out in order to meet people, put that smile on and go for a coffee. Sit on a park bench, go to a dog park and pet others dogs……..go to church and stay for the social, volunteer at whatever you enjoy……start small and put a smile on your face and you will be empowered to do more and enjoy yourself. Like ANL said, it’s not as hard as we think…..the dread seems to take over……but your going to have to force yourself out of your shell to get out alone.
Take control and don’t allow your self to slip off into a lonely depression…..fight it with all you got……your a strong woman…..’shake it up’, strut your stuff girl and take along your shadow for encouragement!
XXOO
Blueskies and Anewlily:
GO GIRLS…..
Hawaiian pancakes…..ummmmmmmm!
Gettin a groove on…….yeah baby!
It really isn’t as dreadful as we think….once we are out, and let go, it’s a wonderful experience and one that we must experince.
I thought about ‘crashing’ weddings……everyone is always so accepting and happy at a wedding. I live in a small town and weddings seem to be the only ‘going’ on in the summer…..I guess I could go and ‘fit in’ and meet people that way huh? I could participate in the ‘conga line’, the toss (uugggh), dancing or just flit from table to table making new friends….
Okay…..maybe not!
For now I will stick to the art fairs and river activities and a nice wine bar for horsdoeuvres. Charity functions are always nice too……
Good night ladies……
XXOO
Lily, Blue, Erin: Sorry I disappeared, went to bed early, got up early, just got home from work, so… a busy day, good! I appreciate your advice, I’ll have to try going out by myself again, I feel lonely and like a geek when I do that. I’ll try to practice some patience. I heard that song – Smile – sung today at Michael Jackson’s memorial service, hadn’t heard it in so long, it’s so true, made me cry for him and me, but now I’m gonna try to smile!!!! Thank you so much!
Confused
sorry for belated comment, i lost myself in archive
u say: —but I’m still thinking about him and wondering. I try to read and watch tv as much as I can, but I still think about him”.
No, my dear, u are not thinking about HIM, u are thinking about lovable person u believed he was. it is not Him, u have to accept that fact, “He” is nothing but ur imagination/need/wish creature in ur seduced mind.
When u really start thinking about Him, first u will want to do stop thinking
As for now, redirect ur thoughts to some REALLY nice , worthy person/thing, the same way as u would not bother ur brain thinking about chit
About boredom and emptines of N/P brains:
I asked my N/P to take me to his birth place, historical place known worldwide. Ive spent night before trip reading about it, and after we arrived i asked him to tell me about place, hoping i will get new knoledge, something i, maybe, had no chance to read in tourist guide book, some history facts”
U all may guess an answer i knew more about place than him. Without any embarasment he told me he is not interest in history (though on his Facebook profile , History was on the first place within his interests)
Love and blessings to all