What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
correction:
When u really start thinking about Him, first u will want to do IS TO stop thinking
ThornBud
I find myself still thinking about him constantly unless I advert my attention elsewhere. Yes I do think about the “good times” although I now realize they were all fake and manipulated to make me think he was this “awesome” person. I guess letting go of the illusion is going to be more difficult than I thought. And of course I know he is out there having fun with a beautiful younger woman and that cuts into my heart also. He’s telling her all the wonderful things he told me etc. She is going to a great time for a few months and then it’s reality time. I don’t want him back but I still miss the attention. I’ve ordered some books and I have a few books from the library to read from the suggested posts here. The constant thinking about him gets me the worst, I know it’s like an addiction but I thought it would at least lighten up after 6 weeks.
Well, at first I was spending about 20 hours a week journaling about him and the whole mess. I think I’m done to zero most of the time now. All of the time regarding the writing. Two years later.
Thinking it all through was a part time job!!!!
I finally got to a point where I could honestly say that there was not ONE THING that I wanted from him. Not an apology, not his funeral notice, nothing.
I was doing that exercise over and over from the Betrayal Bond book where you meet on a bridge (in your mind) to say a final goodbye. At first, all I could imagine was bombing the bridge.
Now I just walk calmly by the bridge, and ….that’s it. I just walk by.
You’ll get there.
My psychopathic ex used to always be submerged into something, whether it be his blackberry ( GLUED TO IT!!!), tv ( always on), reading at the same time, doing videogames, always doing something, rarely truly deeply interacting with someone. somethign eitehr had to happen right then and there or he shouldnt be bothered (w hilst engaged in any of the above mentioned) as he was decompressing! Yeah he was always entitled to decompression, while me and others catered tp his needs. Now this sounds crazy but he always made us pity him. He was so busy, he had been through so much, just be a good girl and be nice, be understanding….be loving…While I tried to give him the space he needed cause I understood his need to decompress, he was always submerged in conversations per blackberry with other women, I later found out.
This is all just him trying to be mentally occupied right? I just never understood why he wouldnt occupy with me a bit more ( more than superficially), I guess he wasnt capable and needed newer type thrills all the time….Like also computergames, tv and so forth provide?! A new action every second? Only thing I dont understand then is why he was capable of reading some good books ( which I have also read)….Anybody any ideas about this?
Pardon my English btw, Im not American but I am European with an American ex…( I constantly have to defend Americans to my European friends already as it i,s unfortunately, but he sure made that worse…haha)
Your english is fine! The P I was involved with was the same way, always multi tasking but never deeply engaged with the person he was with here and now. I think it has to do with the weird wiring in their brain, not being comfortable with true intimacy (to put it mildly) and afraid of being alone with their own thoughts. Plus part of their inflated sense of self is thinking they can multi task so well….NOT
Pianoman:
proper literature. i dont wanna name the writers cause it sorta reveals his identity when other victims of him would come here. and that wouldnt be the problem but im exposing quite some personal emotions here so…
but master works of literature. why do you ask?
the books were all about the evil side of men kind. thematically the lit suited the classic psychopath. ‘ man eat man world’ , ‘ the selfish against the selfishless’ , ‘ man against himself’ , ‘ the stupidity of ordinairy folks’ (im deliberately describing the themes this banal….) i would recommend him more inspirational lit and he would buy the books but accidently leave em somewhere and never read them…
type of books: Best sellers when they first come out, especially if by a single woman that met his “type” so he could write to her and try to make an “impressive conquest” or at least add her to the line of his back burner women. Also books that could tell him how to act or stay young.
Great quotes. JAH. I noted them in my journal.
In a similar vein, my sister has referred to my ex as a legend in his own mind.
JAH (you post to confused)
I really like your analogy about the bridge. I think I’m a way behind you (still want to blow up the bridge with him on it!). However, the ‘journaling’ is down to zero, so that’s a good sign.
Confused: I have found the ‘longing for the attention/company’ has dissipated – I realise now the ‘nice’ guy was the illusion – this is a very painful leap but one that I am sure you will make once you pick up the other threads of your life and find meaning in them again (so much we let go of while we’re attending to their needs/demands).
Up until fairly recently, it was the first thing that I thought of when I opened my eyes in the morning – he was just ‘there’. I have noticed now that this is no longer the case and I am hugely glad of this – to reach this point I kept telling myself ‘out out out!’ I did a mantra every night before I went to sleep telling the people in my life (my family) “Ilove you John, I love you mum, I love you …..” etc. This put the emphasis back on the people who I truly love and care about and those who truly love and care about me. Don’t know if this will help you.
I still have the odd ‘black’ day but little by little, most days are good ones and the nights are certainly getting better.
My biggest goal is for ‘indifference’ – much as JAH describesin ‘just calmly walking on by the bridge”. While I am still angry, outraged etc, I am feeling a passion that I don’t want to feel for the S. Once I am indifferent – it’s gone. That’s my take on it anyway – I think we all have to find what works for us in re-programming our thoughts and emotions to make life manageable again.
All love to you Confused and keep posting for strength.
To JUSTHEALED:
you think its because they dont want to be alone with their thoughts or because there is so little emotion going on within them that they need constant stimuli?
i have no idea, i cant imagine either. cause not wanting to be alone with your thoughts would suggest being confronted with ‘ your inner voice’ and isnt that a conscience?
let me know what you think.