What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Confused
A pleasure. Keep in touch.
Sorry I dissapeared, I was outside cleaning out the garage, another fun day! I still put on my makeup everday in case he stops by here, I don’t want him to stop by, have been NC for 8 weeks, I really don’t care to ever speak to him again… but if he does stop by here I don’t want to look like chit, I want to look good, like I’ve got it all going on!!! If you could see me without makeup you’d know what I mean! LOL. Every car that drives by I look at, I guess I am waiting for him to ride up on a white horse with roses for me and holding a box full of all the money he owes me. LMAO! Well, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry…
Steve, thank you for the information in this recent article about boredom. Each time I re-read it, I arrive at deeper insights into troublesome questions I had about my ExNPS that never made sense. The insights, even though no longer of current importance, have brought such a deep convictions that my instincts, though damaged, had been in working order!
Especially when you wrote, “However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom,” brought closure to a long-felt puzzlement about some activities that my Ex had revealed (after “marriage”) concerning his teenage years. (I met him when he was 20.)
If I knew then what I know now, I would have never accepted another date with him, let alone “married” him!
I am writing them out as a personal journal entry for me. So, I apologize for bypassing others’ comments about this topic.
He grew up on a farm in a small community. He told me that he was so bored after school that all he did year after year and every summer was throw a ball against the barn wall and catch it.
I simply could not understand this choice of activity for such a bright person. I often found myself “alone” on an uncle or aunt’s farm for two week stretches. Boredom was never a problem for me. I always found something fun or productive to do. Ten minutes of throwing a ball against a wall would have been more than enough for me.
Your article helped tie another, but seemingly unrelated, revealed activity together. He confessed that to relieve the anticipated boredom, he would skip school, drive to a nearby town, hire an airplane and pilot and fly over his high school to “buzz” it.
When I asked if he ever got caught, he answered with a huge chuckle, “Of course.” When I asked why he did it over and over again, he answered, “Because it was fun.”
After finally being threatened with expulsion, he arrogantly said, “I just switched to window peeping, skipping the last class of the day so I could still catch the bus home.”
Then, as an after thought, he added, “Well, once I stapled the jeans of the girl to her butt who was sitting in front of me in the last class of the day. That got a huge reaction from everyone” and he laughed and laughed. Aghast, I asked, “Why did you do that?” He answered, “Her butt was just sticking out there and the temptation was just too great.”
Yes, I believe it is true that sociopathy is evident in adolescence. How I wish I had known about sociopathy back then and I wouldn’t have been puzzled at all.
Thanks again, Steve, for this opportunity to finally “put two and two together” and actually come up with the correct answer. There is a certain amount of intellectual comfort in that, even after all these years!
Shabbychic2
Take off the make-up and take off the mental handcuffs! He doesn’t care what you look like without your make-up – if he thought you were still his cash-cow, he’d tell you you look better without it!
I put my make-up on everyday FOR ME!
It gets easier – more good days than bad – it takes time and 8 weeks is early days so go easy on yourself.
Dear Steve,
I was wondering when you are Dr. Leedom were going to write more in detail on the subject of sociopathic boredom. Your article was truly enlightening as was EyesWideShut’s response.
Yes, they cannot connect to us on any level except their own primitive ones. The only time I was ever satisfied with my ex psychos was during physical intimacy. Afterwards, I always felt discarded, somewhat used and dirty. Yet, the chemicals and hormones released during sex kept me in that shameful place. Not so anymore.
I never could quite understand the constant need for stimulation and excitement these guys craved. I’m a quiet little homebody, perfectly content with an engrossing book and some tasty popcorn to munch on while reading. I thought when we would watch a movie that we were being cozy and happy with each other. Well, at least I was.
They were just biding their time until the movie was over so they could have more sex or start digging into me about what is so very wrong with me, or to create draining drama in an effort to start an argument. Because they were intensely bored.
I remember implicitly how the last sociopath I was with (Fall 07-Spring 08) was so restless when we were relaxing in front of the tv, watching a movie, that he was constantly fidgeting. He would prop his leg up on a pillow and it would not cease in twitching. Very disconcerting, distracting and annoying for me. I actually told him how annoying it was and my statement unleashed that sullen, selfish little boy that he really is and off he went, on a tangent about the most insignificant things I did that irritated him. How frikkin draining they are.
I’m glad I’m not the least bit attracted to excitement, thrills and chills. I prefer tranquility, peace and quiet. I never received any of that from my exes. Now, I have it. And I am content.
Thank you, Steve for writing and sharing this with LF.
The Sociopath I dealt with last year was severely addicted to drama. It took me a long time to figure out that the weeks of calm that I cherished drove him nuts.
I would think to myself, “Gee, things seem to be getting better.” I’d relax, and he’d generate some new stress. It would be a tantrum, a huge upheaval in standard procedures, and argument with someone, or a sexual indiscretion on his part that threatened the reputation, and therefor th existence, of the ministry.
We played this pattern out for years before I realized things were NEVER getting better. Each calm period was simply the eye of a storm.
OMG…I didnt realize it..until I let him come cack in my life ahgain..he was all about the drama…loved it…stirred things up and then acted`like he was just an innocent pwrson…I wish I could say the drama with him is over..its peaceful with him gone but he is up to his court antics…so there is never calm before lond…but I agree…they thrive on drama…
Thanks Steve Becker,
Thanks for putting the “boredom” aspect of this side when regarding the sociopath. When I learned about how they can be easily bore I never really gave it much thought. But the way you described it allowed me to put it into a better perspective and deeper understanding. I do agree about the way s/p view/experience it:
“the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.”
And I do believe it is a joke for them insomuch they may even brag and “joke” about things they have done too others who they misunderstanding think are more like them. Some are but still some aren’t and walk away feeling unbalanced and spiritually sicken inside. It’s this arrogant and egotistical persona some found so dehumanization estrangement and emotionally immature. How some will kidnap imprison torture and finally kill their prey all out of “boredom”. Now allow me to state this is the most extreme sociopathic person and those with lessen anti-social traits might only verbally emotionally and psychologically damage their “objects” but it still shows the great need to diminish their boredom and not allow spiritual social and/or economical repercussion to hinder or stop them.
Thanks for the insight!!!
This is a very pertinent article. My ex would not allow me to say: “I am bored”. When the week was ending, the kids were with their Dad (partially) and my work was done, I’d say that I was bored, which meant usually that I wanted to go out some place, watch a movie, do something new. He’d offer to take me out but I quickly learned that payment for the outing would be on me. So, I sometimes refused to go because I was already supporting him whole lot. Yet, if I ever said I was bored, which I think is a totally normal condition of not wanting to stay in the daily routine and instead diversify the experience, he’d scream that I should never say this. Even then, when I was in darkness, I had no idea why proclamation of boredom would irate him to such a degree. Another thing he’d never let us say is “hate”. Not allowed to say “I hate this movie” or “I hate this”. I think may be he’s gone through counseling, but really did not get what it was intended to give him. What do you thinK?
This is a bit off topic, but I just watched the trailer for The Time Traveler’s Wife and it was a bit of a trigger for me. How many of us wanted to believe that our S loved us, wanted us, wanted to be with us….but just couldn’t, like the time traveler in the movie who couldn’t control when he would just disappear, caused by a gene. In a way, the S I knew would just disappear too…caused by some genetic/environmental factor that makes them be who they are. It was never because of something we did. One minute he was there, in love, the next gone. The book (The Time Traveler’s Wife) was a better analogy than I realized at the time!