What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
I could have written this whole thread. Just reading all these posts has got my heart rate up. Confused, and Escapee, we all must have dated the same person. My life was filled with drama whenever I was near the S, and it’s a good point…every time thing would calm down, I’d think they were getting better, then some drama would happen. He must have been bored, so he’d go cheat or lie or stir stuff up in some manner.
My S would talk about boredom. He’d always say he was so bored and so boring. He’d claim to hate drama, and tell me that I caused too much drama-but the reality was he always created situations that would make me lose my mind. He must have done it on purpose. He also would tell me “Well, you are funny…I’ll give you that.” As if that was the only reason he would keep me around.
I also had to pay for everything. I’d try to convince him to stay home instead of going out every night to save money, but we had to go out EVERY night for happy hour, dinner, movie, golf whatever he could nevr stay home and I usually foot the bill. It will take me years to get out of the debt he buried me in.
And talk about self-centered, he DID feel entitled to relief of his boredom at any cost. He felt entitled to EVERYTHING, and somehow would manipulate me into actually believing his explanations for why x or y wasn’t his fault and why he deserved whatever it was he was after. Ugh I am SOOO ANGRY today.
It also sucks because I still wish he would call sometimes, and I still wonder sometimes if he ever loved me. This site is like medication that wears off over the day. The longer I’m away from this site I’ll start thinking, maybe it was me, maybe if I did this or that, maybe he’s not an S, maybe he just didn’t love me, but when I get home and read all of these stories that could be my own I wonder how I could ever doubt that he’s a S.
As far as being embarrassed and humiliated, there is NOONE that I can tell the whole story about the S too that believes me. They are quick to blame me for allowing him to treat me that way. Well sure, that is true, but I would like them to fall off of their high horses because they don’t know how they would react in a similar situation. Anyway I would lie and avoid talking about my S to friends and family like he was a drug habit, bc I was too embarrassed to talk about it.
Everything was a joke to my S, which was a big part of why I was attracted to him. He’s very funny and everyone who knows him (but not the ppl who REALLY know him) used to tell me how funny he was and how he was such a nice guy. He thought everyone was stupid. He even told me that “no one does anything without their own self interest in mind.” and that there was no such thing as a “self-less” act. I’m sure that was true in his world. My S thought he was smarter than everyone. And he *was* smart, but there was not a single person in his life that at some point he didn’t tell me what their problem was and why they were stupid.
Elizabeth,
Your calm before the storm comment just opened my eyes. Just as I’d relax…he’d create some storm. Then twist it and before I knew what happened I’d be blaming myself and apologizing for something that he created in the first place.
This is how it finally ended too. I had just let down my guard, he was supposed to be moving, things had been going “smoothly” and I finally decided maybe this time things would really be great. When he told me he wasn’t moving in, he tried to blame it on me for pressuring him (which I hadn’t) and then when he realized that excuse didn’t hold up he said he was still in love with some other woman, yadda yadda yadda. He’d always do that, just give one excuse after another until one of them would work. I guess if his logic was if you throw enough crap on the wall some of it is bound to stick.
Looking back what really gets me angry is how honest he was. He would tell me exactly what he was up to, but in a way that was funny and sarcastic. Here’s something that is way too personal and really makes me feel like a dumba$$. About 3 weeks before NC, he had a scratch on his side. I joked and said “what’s her name?” and he told me a branch had scratched him. I bought it. Then, (within a day or so) I wanted to have sex, and he told me he couldn’t because he was too sore. He had been staying at my house while I was at work and he doesnt have a car so I didn’t even think the obvious reason that he would be “sore.” I told him well, what were you doing all day? And he said “there was nothing else to do” insinuating that he had been “taking care of himself” and I took this at face value. When he told me he wasn’t moving in a couple weeks later I asked about the scratches again and he admitted sleeping with this woman (who presumably he is with now). Anyway—I must be retarded. Also, before I moved to TX to be with him, I asked him if he had moved on and had a new girlfriend, and he told me “I have lot’s of girlfriends” but made it like a joke…I should have listened.
This post is all over the place…I am just so angry still, but happy that I’m finally seeing the light, but sad that I was in love with an jerk, still sort of wishing he’d change and love me, but I know that will NEVER happen. It’s comforting and frightening at the same time to know that there are so many other S clones out there. Comforting bc at least I’m not crazy/alone and frightening bc…well you know.
JustAboutHealed,
It’s ironic that your S gave you that book, that so perfectly described him. And you can count me as one of those who just wanted the S to love me, and thought that if I could just fix that poor wounded boy inside of him maybe someday he’d be able to. PUKE.
This new perspective and deeper understanding concerning boredom also explain so much about how my ex s/p wanted to start a verbal disagreement with my children and/or myself.
She just wasn’t happy unless there was some type of stress havoc or emotional turmoil going on in the family. How many times I would plea that she just let it go, give it a rest for awhile to no prevail. Now that I think about it was this a way to levitate this boredom she was experiencing? If so, then it makes so much sense why this would happen in cycles. We all (my children and I) would get some type of peace for awhile only to have some minor incident to “bring down the house” and many times over something so insignificant. Another thing is how she was always on the go and never once did I witness her just relaxing by reading a book or something. OMG, what am I saying I never once saw her read any book cover to cover in 17 years. What readers might find so surprising is how my children and I are avid book readers and love to read but never her unless it was a book that she was reading once again on some home study course that I knew she would never complete. I often asked her why she would start a home study course and never finish it? Her reply “I didn’t have the money for the next session“, hinting that I might pay for it. Something I refused to do. I learned in the latter years not to invest in her new projects and knowing full well how she never finished anything she would start.
I now see how all this play into her distaste of being bored. I wonder just how bad it gets for them? Does it feel like bugs crawling under their skin?
I wonder?
James,
I hope it feels like bugs under their skin. I hope it feels like all the pain they put us through. Maybe this is why NC is so successful, they get bored when they aren’t allowed to meddle and move on to someone new to play with?
“I guess if his logic was if you throw enough crap on the wall some of it is bound to stick.”
Done, LMFAO!!! How true!!!
Done,
“I hope it feels like bugs under their skin.”
LOL, we can only hope 🙂
Done said
“Maybe this is why NC is so successful, they get bored when they aren’t allowed to meddle and move on to someone new to play with?”
BINGO! And we start to find a way out of the dark hole that led us into! My girlfriend from overseas arrived last week – she comes every summer – and she said to me “How do I say this… ummm…. you seem so much more at peace and you look better than you did last year”…
I barely remember her visit from last summer — I was entrenched in S/P/N drama/trauma…texts and phone calls and crazymaking … for the first time in a year I actually realized life is okay and life is going to be okay without him. He is/was a bad person in my life. Thats it in a nutshell. His life is his own to destroy. My life is my own to live and grow and learn with OTHERS. He can no longer bring me down because I choose to let go and move on with my life. While sadly he will continue to fill his boredom and toxic ways with unsuspecting souls in his life. As he taught me to be more consciously aware of my self-protection and respect and my choice to be DONE with S/P/N’s in my life too!!! Your post was spot on about NC and what it means for THEM!!
Learn,
Glad to hear that you’re doing much better this year =) My mom recently told me that her and my sister could always tell when I was speaking with my S because I got “mean.” I also used to fall out of contact with my real loved ones bc I’d get so wrapped up in the drama. I also get fat whenever I’m around the S. Too bad your friend (and my family) didn’t tell us that we looked like crap and weren’t at peace when we were in the thick of it, instead of just saying how much better we are now. I think ‘why didn’t you tell me??’ I guess I wouldn’t have listened anyway…
Done….the S I knew would do that too….change excuses. On the last phone call it was him changing his excuse several times right away and even saying (thinking out loud) “Oh, so you think I owe you that…Oh, I know! I never WAS cruel to you”which was about the third attempt to defend himself with some excuse or explanation. It was so blatant that he was changing his story, I think he must have been drinking because he was sharing his thought process and it made me so sick that I felt like a jolt of electricity had hit me. I dropped the phone and then hung up on him. That was the last time we ever talked. And he immediately changed his yahoo name to some initials that stood for an insult to me, and I now think all his yahoo aliases are his notches in his belt. I’m so proud of myself because I finally have stopped doing searches on him, all that crap, and I keep picturing all my memories of him in a locked file cabinet with chains all around it, any time I start to think of him. Silly, but it helps.
Sometimes I’m embarrassed to keep posting as JAH, because in some posts I’m SO SURE I’m way past all this, then something makes me slip back a few steps.
My one friend says when you are down in a hole and people keep throwing dirt at you, just pound it down to make the hole a little less deep, and pretty soon you’ll be able to climb out.
Hi guys;
I wanted to comment about the chaos and drama S’s bring with them. For years, I went along with it. It was like It was ‘normal’ and I never remember thinking anything different. I spent some time in someone’s home, substantial amounts of time. I worked for this family. I was like a fly on their wall…..I had an office in the home. I saw how they lived, I took notice. It was only then that I wished I didn’t have so much chaos going on……I still didn’t attribut it to the S. I noticed wherever he went, whatever conversations he had, S was always instigating shit. I didn’t understand it. I started looking at other peoples lives and how they interacted. If they disagread they didn’t yell, they calmly went about life. Other families didn’t belittle each other, they didn’t go around angry. If there was an issue, they could ‘agree to disagree’……all of this was foreign in my home!!! I wanted calm, I wanted THAT!!! This was one facet to my healing……little did I know the road I was about to travel down!!!!
I tried to smooth out the roughs at home with the kids and S…..things calmed down with the kids, but the S would escalate the drama. THEN, I noticed that if anyone from HIS family was in touch with him….the ‘beatings’ on me would occur. It didn’t matter what ‘we’ had going on at the time….things could have been super, but he wasn’t happy with that and he would start shit through his family or other means. He would say…..they don’t like you, your the cause of this or that,….blah, blah…..I was always so blown over and would say, well i hope you put them straight, then he would turn it on one of his brothers wives. It was the ‘splitting’ in full force! He would rile my feathers, rile them, and then sit back and watch my reaction and feed me. When his mother came on the scene…..same thing….he used to speak so horrid of her……then be best friends with her, then speak horrid, and I would hear him on the phone with his siblings who were close with her, trying to split them off. Then he would go to the Grandmother (his mothers mother)….and start shit. She so thought he was the ‘golden boy’.
GOD…it was constant…..if it wasn’t his family, it would be some long lost grudge he held onto, or he would start a new one with someone new, then he would start into me and then the kids….I would watch him do it to clients and their siblings or kids. He always had to be the ‘king’, placing himself right smack inbetween everyone. He would do things in business that blew my mind…..He said he was making himself indisposable. He would go so far out of his way, without charging clients…..I would give him crap because he certainly didn’t go out of his way for his family? It was a guise/and act….I would tell him that if me and the kids paid him then that was the only way we could get time as a family. He played the goodguy act of …..well, your just not happy, I’m working so hard to support you! Most of what he did, wasn’t billable…..just the schmooze for himself!!! Fed his own ego!!!
I used to tell him, dang…..you can never have peace can you?
I would also tell him,…..you live as an island in this world.
He always had a current ‘hate’ object.
I don’t pity him, I dont even feel sorry for the people around him…..it’s their choice…..you’ll seeeeeeeee!!!
I am only grateful that I SEE IT! MY kids see it!!!! AND WE DON”T HAVE TO LIVE THE LIFE SUCKING DRAMA!!! I too have a peace about me……it’s wonderful!!!
I am certain this is why I got soooo sick, when I finally got him out!!! I gave too much, too many years and I sure paid for it……but I get a refund of sorts in the divorce!!! hehe!!!!
Court tomorrow……extension of the Harassment/Stalking order. Prepped up and ready to go! Don’t think he will be there, if not, I will know he’s given up. Part of me thinks he will though…..because he is stupid and has no idea how he presents himself. I guess I will find out tomorrow! Not worried.
The DA’s office is moving forward with the warrant also! Think he has moved states again. But that’s okay…..still in the know!
When you harass me and my kids…….YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN”T HIDE!!!!! If you don’t believe me…..keep going asshole!
Things are looking up, been very busy getting things to some sort of normalcy.
My therapist says I need a break…..no time for that! We had a great session yesterday…..we laughed…..she asked me if she has been able to teach me anything……I got cocky and said, HEY don’t take my credit away!!!! She said…oh yeah, you must be pulling from your inner sociopath! I said, it’s NOT YOU, it’s me!!!! I find if I can’t joke about it and make light of the S and my past few years…..I would be crying! (Not that crying is so bad either!!!!)
I have to get my ‘affairs’ back in managable order.
LIFE IS GOOD!!!!
Strength to the team at LF!!! 🙂
XXOO