What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Great article!
I think the psychopath has to be a miserable human being. I cannot imagine trying to avoid my inner world through any means of distraction and at any cost to another person. The psychopath may think he is the victor–but actually I think people who can feel come through the world in a much better place.
The Ps I’ve encountered did cause much devastation in my life. Fortunately, I’ve learned from those difficult lessons. My life is good. For the Ps…life isn’t so good because they can’t even know happiness.
Erin, Good for you and good luck at court! Isn’t it nice to turn the tables and relieve his boredom on your terms?? Ha Ha. Crisis, you like crisis? I’ll give you crisis on my terms slimeball.
Mine is all flapping his jaws about how he will win, (despite a really nasty looking file of evidence against him) he will make sure I don’t get a penny blah blah, so what big deal if he forged my name blah blah. Well I have resisted for 18 mos. the uge to go the full monty for the sake of my adult children not having to see their father in jail. But no more.
What he did is a felony. And I have decided to go the distance, as his arrogance knows no boundaries and it will be far cheaper, safer and easier to find his $$ with a little help from the powers that be. For the record, mine is soon to turn 70, and has not mellowed one darn bit.
Keep us posted on your progress, and all my best wishes.
Justabout and Done
Just when you think you’re done beating yourself up about one thing, another kicks in eh?
I don’t really think that people are ‘on their high horse’ – they are the fortunate ones who haven’t come up against a S/P/N. Trouble is that the first signs of it rarely appear until they have ‘lulled’ you into their web with all the flattery and attention – which, of course, you are returning because you think you have found love – if we KNEW it was just a mechanism to create an ILLUSION – of course we wouldn’t go for it. As I have said before, they work very hard at creating the right enviornment before they go for the ‘kill’ – the slow debilitating breaking down of someone’s sense of self and sense of what is ‘normal’. The S I was involved in has left me in financial ruin. Not because he actually stole from me but he started very early on manipulating me into paying for things all the time. Later on he just threw bills at me and said ‘you’re paying’ – what was I thinking? Having not been in a relationship for many many years, I just kept thinking, well, times have changed – this was also underpinned later on when he kept refering to our future together and everything would all be in one ‘big pot’ – yeh! I now know whose!
I am on the brink of losing everything I worked for for 25 years. I have been so ill and had to take jobs over the last 2 years or so, earning less money, with the debts that mounted in the four years I was with him, I am practically buried – 5 years ago I had a small mortage on my property (which was covered by investments that would pay out in 2012), no debt whatsoever, owned my own cars and had savings. Now I have £107,000 of debt (that doesn’t include all the savings I went through) – one third of the income I had before I met him and, although my family and friends don’t say, I think I have lost their respect. My two wonderful children have said very little – although both grown and one gone, they know little of the financial cost to me.
My heart breaks everyday to think that I worked hard and juggled all those years to bring up my kids alone – working two jobs so I could have space to be there for them and enjoy their childhoods – what kept me going was the knowledge that I was taking care of my responsibilities to my family and enjoying every moment I could, whilst securing our futures with some financial padding. When I was tired or a bit fed up, I used to think ‘oh well, at least I’ll be able to give them nice weddings etc and help them out with deposits on their own places when the time comes’ – this was a great motivation for me to work hard – it defined who I am (was). I had it all nailed down and was happy – not smug – just happy and secure – normal………….
Then along came my worst nightmare of a human being presenting as a gift from heaven!
Now I feel too ashamed to admit to anyone the difficulites I am in – that I have compromised my future – the thought of my children knowing what an absolute 22 carat idiot I have been after all those years of constancy.
I work hard at trying to put this all behind me – everyday – but all his words ring in my ears – when I had to take on a more pressured job than I would have liked because the debts were mounting “are you a little more ambitious now darling” – with that smirking, digusting look on his face – these are the things that I can’t get out of my head – on calm days I let them roll over me, but then they flood back in and I want to …… no I won’t go there – you’ll know anyway – all about the revenge fantasies……… the wishing of the slow painful death! But it seems that it is me who is having the slow painful death…………
He has affairs all over the place and even with the owner and another employee of a shop I used regularly – I drive miles to avoid seeing his car parked outside – it’s unbearable. He finally admitted to his involvement with one of the women (at first saying they were ‘just friendly’ but then admitting he’d been seeing her for months – I told him ‘good, well you are free to go an marry her instead now’ – his response was – in that arrogant – I’m such a prize – tone “well, that’s what she might want but she’s not gonna get it!’ He even bedded his ex-sister-in-law (that he alway purported to hate) – she trashed his car when he dropped her (he covered this up at the time saying it was his son’s psycho girlfriend – who actually was a really nice kid but locked into to a similar scenario with the crazy son (chip off the old block – I saw him in action – same deal – picking fights and then going off with someone else then pursuing the girlfriend, all in a matter of days – then repeating the same thing again weeks or months later).
I just feel like running away and starting over somewhere new. I am lucky, I have a few good friends that I can tell some things to but they just say ‘lucky escape’ (they are right of course) but does anyone understand the pain of finding out the person you invested everything in and believed loved you could turn out to be so evil and cruel?
Sorry for ranting folks – it’s a bad day today – can’t stop crying, feel hopeless wreck – feel like such a prat………..
Escapee
Thanks so much for sharing. Whenever I read any stories like your I think how I got off lucky and need to stop feeling sorry for myself. Really it’s not what she did to me that hurts at times but what she did to our children and her other two children who are now adults themselves. I thank God each day for God allowing me keep them with me and how they want no part of her. But to lose so much money! How does one deal with that?
I told my friend what they do to us is like throwing a pebble in a pond and how it has a Whipper effect. How what they do not only effects us but touches so many other people who are involved in our lives. I pray and hope this pain ends soon for you.
Escapee,
Sweetheart, I have felt exactly as you feel now. Like I’m the dumbest woman that ever walked the Earth. Like Kathleen’s friend who said..”I’m too stupid to live”..
I would like to remind you of how truly intelligent you are. You are an incredibly smart, capable, responsible, dedicated and loving mother/woman.
You were masterfully seduced by a predator. You have read many of the LF articles, I’m sure. You’re aware now of how they operate. Psychopaths spend oodles of time sizing you up, cunningly listening to every thing you say, seeking out those vulnerable spots for future exploitation.
Any person who is kind, loving, good and decent is susceptible to the predation of psychopaths. ALL of us have been fooled, deceived, mistreated and thrown away like yesterday’s garbage by these creatures.
Remember that, okay? You are among people who are so similar in personality and character, good and worthy intentions, with no alterior motives but to be loved and cared for by their partner.
Please don’t beat yourself up, doll. Beat him up for doing this shit to you! In your head or on LF where it will be beneficial for you and will help in healing.
Hey, I read that even Dr. Robert Hare, one of the foremost psychologists in the field of psychopathy (been studying them for well over 30 years) has been conned on and off by them over the years. And he’s an expert! Well, dagnabit, so are we!
We all have been in the trenches, then been in battle with these freaks of nature, then raised our arms in victory when they finally skip town, or they move on to the next innocent victim who had the misforture to be attractive to the psychopath, or we kick their slimy butts to the curb!
If you no longer are being victimized by a psychopath, if he/she has lost interest and has disappeared…then you are a big time winner. No doubt in my mind whatsoever.
Great article Steve- the boredom point is HUGE. Thanks for brining it up- I think this point gets passed/glossed over.
I recall the psycho I knew- astounded by the idea I would not agree with him, because what he wanted to do would hurt others. It was a moment when the mask dropped– he was incredulous, and irritated….he was like a teenager just pissed off I could not agree with his plans. He even mimicked me sounding like a “goody two shoes”….he just didn’t care about anyone but himself, ever.
james/jane smith
Thanks for your comforting comments.
I hate being on this pity pot – it’s so paralysing – it makes me feel so weak…….. all those years struggling on my own with the kids – at least I had a purpose – a goal…… he took all that away.
It’s like being crippled. Well….. that’s another story because I have now been diagnosed with Osteoporis in my spine. funny I was Miss Fit when Imet him Huh? (All of my keep fit activities stopped while I was with him in those 4 years – too busy attending to his needs and demands) 6 months prior to kicking this idiot out of my life for ever (he still kept hounding me with texts, visits to my house etc… despite I knew (and he knew I knew) about the other women/prostitutes), I told him my diagnosis and he said ‘YOU HAVEN’T GOT OSTEOPOROSIS’ – the nastiness and putting me at a distance increased even more after this.
Today has been particularly bad – the worst in many months – I feel so weak and pathetic – I wish he was dead. It’s not even anger – I just would like to inhabit this planet knowing I won’t ever have to see his smug ugly face again or his stupid car with his narcissistic personal number plate all over the place .
His life is fine with all his satellite women and god knows who as his’stable relationship’ (poor unwitting fool – I just hope whe cottons on sooner than I did to his manipulations). He has money and security while my life is in tatters . He did the same thing to his ex wife. He blamed every issue in his marriage on her ‘weight’ – ‘if she respected me she wouldn’t have let herself go’ – she had a disabled child for god’s sake – I don’t think that being a size 6 was her first priority. Prat.
Anyway, like he was Brad Pitt? Balding, prematurely aged, pot bellied – should have known from the fixation on the old phalic symbols – Ferraris, big meaty cars etc – he made me pay for a ski holiday and then 2 weeks later went out and spent £70,000 on a Ferrari – what a fool! Why didn’t I tell him to sit on it and swivvel?
How do I get rid of all this ‘Hate’?
Escapee,
Why would you want to get rid of all the hate? He deserves it, doesn’t he? The only reason I would say not to direct all your energy towards him is because it is soo draining. And in a way, useless once you realize he doesn’t give a damn about you or anyone else, for that matter. Only for whatever his primitive, selfish savage needs can be temporarily sated by what you generously offer.
If it helps, I hate him for you. But I can hate, loathe, detest these predators without it affecting my own sanity and serenity. More like a hate that I keep on the back burner, slowly simmering yet not completely turned off. It is what it is and where I’m at personally in my healing.
I do know how much you are hurting. I wish I could take it away from you and fling it into the stratosphere just so you can have a little peace for yourself. I can’t but I can empathize and try to offer you what little comfort, support and encouragement I have.
You know that old adage…”time heals all wounds”. Well, it doesn’t, not all wounds, but time does soften the damage, does help us to visualize that bright light at the end of that dark, miserable, suffocating tunnel.
Just be true to who you are and allow yourself to feel whatever emotion moves inside of you. Hope I don’t sound condescending, or superior because I’m not. At all. I only speak from my own personal history with predators.
Peace to you, friend..
🙂
I have just ventured out from my self-poisoning toxic fumes unit. I do not do “sick” well. However, I just emailed my psychopathic daughter an email telling her I will take her to court if she doesn’t pay some of my money back and that she is only to contact me through a solicitor. I also named someone her psychopath father murdered. And told her I had been to the police four times to tell them and that Ican’t wait until he is behind bars.
Have I lost the plot? Or, to put it in his words as he once said to me, “You must have a death wish”.
Funny thing is, I feel much better having threatened them with legal action and told them I have been to the police lots of times. I reminded her that if I die, (by “accident”) then the police will know its her father or (and I named the other person), and so will my youngest son.
Yes I have been a hermit since I did this, knowing their won’t be a response…yet. But still terrified.
Why did I do it?
Because I couldn’t leave it alone. I HAD to explain to her that the game was up. ( I said those words, “the game is up”). I did what Matt said and “treated the psychopath by being a psychopath”. I sent her a version of that letter I copied of Oxy’s.( ie. “you are a pathetic, disgusting evil, excuse for a human being and I am glad to be rid of you”) .So, yes, I have been very busy. And I have realised how toxic it is for me to see my psychopath parents. The combination of seeing them and talking to my P brother on the phone and my P daughter coming home was too much. It made me physically sick. I was surrounded by P’s literally (including the rats and roaches), I eliminated from my circle of friends a “close friend” who I have realised was a liar. I have been isolating and I have needed it. I am clearing out the rubbish and the garbage from my life. Nothing has replaced it yet so it is pretty scarey. Especially since the worst psychopath in the world (my ex husband) now knows I have given him up. For everything. He didn’t know before. And he will tell another P woman, who it affects.
I couldn’t keep living the lie any longer. It was doing my head in. I am changing my Will next week so that my youngest son gets the lot. (All of nothing! lol). I don’t care anymore why my middle son doesn’t want anything to do with me. I can’t fix it and everytime I speak to him it is like a knife through my heart because I can’t reach him and he tries to end the convewrsation as fast as anything and get away from me. And my daughter is dead to me. I told her so. I told her to” F#K off and die”. And I don’t feel guilty or afraid of her anymore.
( I feel afraid of her father). I am not going near my P parents or any more cluster Bs for at least two weeks. I am taking time off work and uni has finished for the semester. I am still nauseaus with throbbing headaches and congestion and chest pain.
But I can feel that I am changing in a profound way. All this LF work is purging me of the past and making me knew. I was already strong. Now I am more powerful (emotionally) than I have ever been. My body has yet to catch up. I am not afraid of being afraid, if you know what I mean. “BRING IT ON!” I am yelling to the universe.
My boomerang is in my back pocket and if a cluster B walks within cooee of me for the next two weeks I will whip offf their heads in one swift whhhooosshh!
Welcome back Tilly, it is wonderful to see you back! You will just keep getting stronger and stronger!