What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?”¦doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
YEA!!!! TILLY!!!!!
You swinig that Boomerang, I’m right behind you, riding on Fat Ass and swining my skillet! BOINK and WHIZZZZ to them all!@.......!!!!
Tilly, seriously, I know it is a daunting task when you WEED OUT YOUR GARDEN OF LIFE and toss out all the junk that has grown there, it makes your little veggies look lost in a big empty space, but you know, until those WEEDS quit sucking out all the moisture and food out of the soil, your spirit, your YOU can’t grow!
That empty space will fill up with a newer and brighter and bigger and more wonderful YOU!!!! Stay away from those weeds!!!! It doesn’t matter WHO they are or wht the blood relationship is, they will suck the soil of your garden dry and sterile.
I’m with you Chickie, I won’t live in terror, all the can do is kill me and I’m going to go down fighting, and living my life to the hilt!
You are special, Tilly, you have seen the “face” of God, and belive me when I tell you, HE IS THERE, HE IS REAL, and you hang on when things get tough! You are a wonderful and strong woman, and when you come to see me, we will saddle up the old asses, and ride the range, swinging our boomerang and our skillet! ((((hugs)))) and all my prayers for you!!!
Tilly.
It is good to hear from you…Glad to hear that you are ok. Sounds like you have a lot going on and it is good to hear that you are feeling emotionally strong to deal with it.
Just make sure to take care of yourself until you feel better physically. AND stay safe. You know the P’s in your life and what they are all about so just remember to watch your back, especially when your body has not yet “caught up” to feeling at its best.
JaneSmith
Not superior of condescending at all. Your post helped me alot – at least I don’t feel so alone, knowing that someone else can empathize with where I am at. I think if I told my friends the details (as I have laid out here), they would look and sound understanding but would secretly think – what an idiot! Why not, that’s how I feel about myself………….
The reason I want rid of the hate is because I have NEVER been like this about anything in my life. It’s eating me alive and it’s like a Catch 22 – the more it eats at me the more the self-loathing I feel for letting it. I want to heal and recently I have felt I have made progress but then I slip back. (The S used to say, ‘you’re too nice’ – I’m not anymore – nice people don’t fantasise about torturing someone slowly with … no I can’t – it just makes me hate myself more!) – that someone could drive one to this?
What is so stupid is that even very early on (like 5 months in), we’d been on one of our ‘holidays’ – yeh I ended up paying for everything when we got there – this was my ‘treat’ from him) – I was having reactions to him – I remember thinking ‘when we get back of this holiday, I am ending it’ – I was exhausted with him – he made me bristle – I didn’t know why at the time except, he would suddently turned from Jekyll to Hyde and back again. Why didn’t I get out then? If I had I wouldn’t be in this mess. I did try about 6 months later but everytime, he came after me, persuaded me back, telling me he loved me and couldn’t live without me.
Thanks for hating him for me! Maybe if I can know that, I can let go a bit – I used always to be able to forgive easily – but then I hadn’t come up against one of these half-formed sub-humans before.
Thanks for all the encouragement Jane. I feel as if I have hogged alot of space here and not really contributed much to anyone else – maybe I’ll be able to one day.
Good wishes to you and thanks for your encouragement.
Escapee
Escapee,
Please don’t feel like you’ve hogged w/o contributing. Your posts really hit home with me. You sound so strong in them, esp the first one I was shocked when I got to the end when you said you were crying. It seemed so smart and strong, I had the impression that you were just like “f-it” then for you to say you were upset and crying… I’m sorry that you are feeling that way, but just hearing that you are makes me feel more sane.
Some days I feel “great” where i think I’m finally moving on. Like today, there is no crying. But then, I know just what you mean, when you slip back and feel like the world is crashing in on you.
Thank you so much for sharing!
Right now it is 4am and tonight is the first night since NC that I have gone out. I don’t know anyone in my city yet since I moved not so long ago… I went to a bar and met a nice guy. He was holding my hand, and it was way too intimate for me. That still bugs me, that I don’t even feel comfortable wth someone holding my hand bc I don’t want to let down my guard. This guy invited me to a bar close by, it was the last place I went with my S. I hadn’t been there since, and I had to fight off a lot of ghosts tonight. So, I left that bar and came back to my apartment, where there is another bar where I met another guy, who was about the stupidest human I’ve ever tried to interact with. I just mention that because in the past one of the reasons I would stay with the S is because I never met any good alternatives. The S might be a total a-hole piece of crap, but at least he was entertaining and not a freaking idiot! I HATE dating!
SO that was way off topic… but I’m so glad you shared, because I understand everything you write about from wishing revenge, to hating, to hating yourself for hating. I know we are both very strong people for surviving this, and I agree even tho I said I hated ppl on their high horses you are right, they just haven’t had the misfortune of being victimized by an s/p. It is just nice to share with people who have been through the same. I have good friends that I share much of this with, but I feel the same as you- that while they act sympathetic they are really thinking ‘what a moron.’ I believe that most if not all of us here are pretty intelligent people, but we all got duped. So none of us should be too hard on ourselves.
Tonight is the first night I’ve been out drinking since NC, and I have to pat myself on the back for not drunk-dialing the S especially after going to a place when the last time I was there, the S was feeding me his lies of undying devotion. I feel like tonight I won back a little bit. Next time I go out it won’t be the first since the S. I’m trying to “water down the files” and create new files to replace the old…for anyone who’s read that article about thought control.
Done/Jane Smith
Well done! Baby steps – even if you slip backwards, you’ve had a taste of elation and the courage to feel ‘free to walk the earth’. They get you so you’re uncomfortable anywhere that holds the vaguest memory – well I am.
I cried it all out yesterday and feel much better today (it’s mid-morning UK time right now) and I have plans for the day to be with lovely people!
I guess we all have to take what we can from each other when we are feeling strong and be thankful we have somewhere safe to ‘lean’ when we are weak.
Jane – I now have a phrase in your honour – you know in 12 step problems, one of their mantras is ‘Let go and Let God’ – my mother used to quote it at me as she was in Al Anon for years (yeh, had the violent crazy alco father too – maybe that explains alot!) – well I now say “Let go and let Jane Smith” – as you are doing all my hating for me and would appear to have a much more pragmatic and stronger view on it than me! I fully intend to pass this on to any other souls in need of ‘spiritual’ comfort but, like me, without any religious convictions – god with so many socios about, you’ll be immortalised across to continents in no time!
Thanks all for cheering me up and I do thank god that I have my two beautiful children around me – don’t know how you’ve coped Oxy, Geminigirl Tilly
Love and thanks to all.
Escapee
This article and many of the comments so hit home.
After successfully achieving NC for many weeks, the S called me (and I answered) last Friday on the anniversary of a trip that we took last year to a car show- an event that I thought would be an annual event.
However, the devalue and discard came a short six weeks later (On 7/31/08) when he told me he did not love me and dumped me ( but remained in intermittent contact by e-mail and phone).
Apparently, he had become bored with me some months before the discard. It was not until a few months later that I discovered he had been seducing another woman for weeks, but did not dump me until the very day he “scored” with the other woman. Based on the comments on this blog, this is typical, getting bored, having “overlapping” seductions to be sure he would not be alone.
In our recent contact, he insisted that he is “ashamed and embarrassed” by his behavior toward me – but he still insists he doesn’t love me (although I now know he is incapable of loving anyone). He keeps repeating “I didn’t want to hurt you”. I asked him why he called and he basically said he was bored on this long car trip to the car show alone (ha- the new woman didn’t go on the trip- he must be getting bored with her by now too). He also said ” I don’t know why I do what I do”. He didn’t appear to have a clue that his calling me while he was on the trip would hurt me all over again. Said he did not want to get back together with me because he “didn’t want to hurt me again” and he knew he would eventually hurt me again because he doesn’t love me and I love him.
I have a little trouble with the “I don’t want to hurt you again” line- it sounds so magnanimous, so normal- is that his way of trying to sound like a normal person?
This time, I told him not to contact me any more and that I think he “does what he does” because he has no conscience or guilt and is incapable of love – I may have even thrown in the word sociopath.
I cried a lot this week because I still miss him so much- or at least I miss the person I thought I knew before the mask came off.
This time, I hope I will be able to stick to NC- I know it works.
blindsided31,
So many times I have heard of them being referred to as a “walking contradiction” and it’s true. In fact this is yet another trait/red flag of an s/p.
Because they have this ability to contradiction themselves and sometimes doing so in same sentences we need to be able to filter every word and statement they make not only to us but in other areas as well like employers co-workers members in church and the general public.
“The most telling thing that narcissists do is contradict themselves. They will do this virtually in the same sentence, without even stopping to take a breath. It can be trivial (e.g., about what they want for lunch) or it can be serious (e.g., about whether or not they love you). When you ask them which one they mean, they’ll deny ever saying the first one, though it may literally have been only seconds since they said it — really, how could you think they’d ever have said that? You need to have your head examined! “
http://dslweb.nwnexus.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html#contra
Many times what they tell us is what I now refer to as the double negative: Like
I love you!
What I mean is that if you are told they love you, that’s the lie because they are able to love or understand love as we understand it.
But when they tell us they love us it’s a mirroring of love. What they see is the love in us not the love they have in themselves.
Now if I takes this simple understanding and use it time and time again I start to see how they display this double negative in themselves so many times.
Let’s try this one okay?
I hate you:
Now what they really hate is what they can’t get from you albeit sex money your time etc. Now I not saying they don’t hate but this hate is displaced and it’s source has a deeper meaning.
Now the mirroring effect is this hate which is in themselves something they don’t want to or can’t acknowledge in them so they project this hate on you and others.
Since they are immaturely unable to burden the emotion hate it’s self they will protect it on other people making them carry this negative emotional burden. Look at it this way, they told you how they hate you and then will hang up on you while talking on the phone.
Now for them they aren’t thinking what they just told you in fact that statement is already gone from their conscience mind. But you are on the other end of the phone now listening to dead air are thinking what did I do to deserve this? Why does he/she treat me like this? etc? You are still dealing with it but he/she isn’t in fact it was a release for them to say that!
I hope this helps you and also that you check out the link above. This one is tailored made for the layman (me) and when researching Personality disorders/NPD. It was one of the first ones I read and still as to date revisit the site many many times.
Good luck on the NC and yes it works.
update:
“What I mean is that if you are told they love you, that’s the lie because they are able to love or understand love as we understand it.”
should be:
What I mean is that if you are told they love you, that’s the lie because they are “unable” to love or understand love as we understand it.
Blindsided31,
Mine told me he didn’t want to hurt me, too. It does make them seem human when they say these things, but it’s clearly another lie because if they truly didn’t want to hurt you they wouldn’t do things like call you up on the anniversary of a car show. I even laid it out for my S, saying ‘if you don’t want to hurt me, then don’t do x, y, or z.’ Then after he did x, y, z, and the rest of the alphabet he would say “it was never my intention to hurt you.” I told him ‘Uhm…either it was your intention or something is seriously wrong with you.’ A little bit of both I think.
I’m sorry your S called you and got you all upset. I hate him for you (just like Jane above). It’s just so typical that he would call and drudge up memories, then tear you down all over again by telling you he still wasn’t in love with you. Why even bother to do that?! Of course the reason is so that he can keep you there on the back burner, devalue you a little more and chip away at your self worth so that some day if he decides he needs to use you again you’ll be so thrilled that he ‘finally loves you’ and take him back. Except you won’t because you know better now. Anyway-what a jerk! I do reserve some hate for him…God knows I have more than enough to go around lately.
Done/ James
Thanks Done -your explanation is so succinct and perfect. Right, why did he call me on THAT DAY and say all the old hurtful stuff? and as James said continue to hurt me while saying he didn’t want to hurt me.?
You are right, he is such a jerk. But there is some sort of poetic justice- he is now in major trouble on the job (no doubt due some sleezy thing he did or lie(s) he told)- and he told me in the conversation he is desperately looking for a new job before he is fired.
Yes, I was hurt and did cry this week- but with the help of my friends and the wonderful people on this website, I know I will continue my recovery.