Breaking the compulsion to “fix” and “help”

UPDATED FOR 2025. Lovefraud once received the following letter from a reader whom we’ll call “Edna”:

I won’t go into the long, boring details of my 7+ year relationship with the sociopath that invaded my life. It’s the same basic story as always and plus, I think there’s some kind of email size limit. 🙂

Ever since I ended the engagement over 3 years ago, and finally terminated the relationship itself another year after, I’ve made comments (in a lighthearted, self deprecating fashion) that, “If you’re going to treat me like crap, then I’m the girl for you!” Yes, it gets chuckles from the people I’m around, but sadly it’s true.

I was watching a movie and was judging the characters on their level of attractiveness, which was directly proportional to their level of emotional damage. It started off as a fun little game, and then it hit me. It’s really not a game. It really isn’t a flippant remark. I seriously cannot be attracted to someone unless they’re damaged! What. The. Hell!

It occurred to me while I was drifting off to sleep (what I call the “brain cleaning” portion of the verge of deep sleep), that even in my mid-twenties (am creeping up on my mid-forties now), my stepmother made the comment to me that I do that. Even then, I went for the boys that needed to be fixed or helped. It’s no wonder that I was such a perfect target for the two sociopaths that jacked up my life. Actually I’m kind of surprised it hasn’t been more!

Okay – back to my point. After so long of being alone, about a year ago I tried to be in a relationship. It did not work out well. He was a nice enough guy, but GOD was he clingy and needy! Holy crap! He was nice to play with for a couple of weeks, but I soon perceived he was trying to control me. I say perceived. In all fairness, he might not have been trying to control me, but it felt that way (constricting), so I got the hell out of Dodge!

So here I am. Alone. And basically okay with that. It’s much less risky to be alone, and to be honest, the very thought of entering into a relationship of the romantic persuasion scares the holy bejesus out of me. Like, it gives me real anxiety. But, damn — sometimes it’d be nice — PLUS the fact that, okay, so, you can’t help who you’re attracted to, right? I mean, isn’t that just biology or physiology or something?

Since I have this predilection to be attracted to the damaged, how can I break out of this? I can’t trust myself at all. At this point, I can only assume that if I am attracted to someone, there is something fundamentally wrong with him. I’m no expert, but that’s pretty morbid.

Is there a way to change this, or is this something I’m just going to have to live with being aware of?

Donna Andersen responds

Dear Edna,

You should congratulate yourself. You have just taken the first step toward understanding why the sociopaths, and other partners who treated you badly, have shown up in your life.

Usually there is a purpose for our nasty encounters with sociopaths. We hate to admit it. We don’t want to give these exploiters, these predators, credit for anything worthwhile. But generally the object of the exercise, the reason we’re involved with them, is to draw our attention to something within us that needs to be healed.

Sociopaths hook us by targeting our vulnerabilities. By identifying how they snagged us, we identify those vulnerabilities. And once we know what they are, we can work towards healing them.

Read more: Am I a sociopath magnet?

So now you know. You have a “predilection to be attracted to the damaged.” The question is, why? Why do you feel compelled to rescue people? Why do you expect to give, while your partners take?

Looking for reasons

When you look for answers, sometimes you find them in your family of origin. I’ve spoken to plenty of people who realize that they’ve gotten romantically involved with someone who was just like their mother or father. This brings the realization that their parent was probably disordered.

Maybe you had a parent who was outright abusive. Or maybe your parent was negligent, demanding or critical.

If so, please have compassion for your younger self. As a child you had to figure out how to survive in an environment that felt unsafe. Maybe you became vigilant, on high alert for signs that your parent was about to fly into a rage. Maybe you learned to anticipate their every whim. Maybe you became a perfectionist. Or, maybe you learned to take care of them and keep them happy.

Experiences like these can shape you into becoming a people pleaser or a rescuer.

More unhealthy beliefs

Sometimes our upbringing and early life were fairly normal, but we still manage to absorb unhealthy beliefs. This happened to me. I did not have an abusive childhood. My parents did the best they could. Still, I ended up believing that I had to do for people in order for them to want me around.

So there is a vulnerability, a lack, a wound, within us, which the sociopath and other exploiters sense. Because we were groomed by our upbringing to be fixers and helpers, we felt our role was to fix or rescue them. And they took advantage of us.

Now that we know about our internal issue, what do we do about it?

Seeking answers within

Well, that depends on where you are in your life and how difficult your experiences have been. You may be able to identify and release the issues yourself. Or they may be so buried that you’ll need assistance.

Here’s the do it yourself version — you ask yourself questions. Your inner self, or higher self, knows the answer. Just ask, and listen.

You can do this as an exercise. Sit quietly with a pad of paper and a pen. Then ask yourself, “Why am I compelled to fix and help?” A response will pop into your head. Write it down. Ask yourself the question again, and another response will pop into your head. Write it down. Keep doing this, and you’ll get a whole list of reasons. Some may not be useful. But one or two of them will reveal your core unhealthy beliefs.

You can then explore those unhealthy beliefs further. Suppose one of your answers was, “I think people only want me for what I can do for them.” Ask yourself, “Why do I think people only want me for what I can do for them?” Again, write down the response.

After a while, you may discover a whole list of beliefs that you didn’t know you had.

Releasing the beliefs

Now what? What do you do with all the beliefs? You release them.

To do this, sit quietly like before and let the beliefs rise into your awareness. Your goal is to simply observe them nonjudgmentally, but this is not always easy. Maybe you experience resistance.

If so, do the same thing — bring the resistance to your awareness. Your objective is to feel the emotion that underlies your beliefs, and let it go. The emotion is the energetic charge that keeps the unhealthy beliefs alive. When you release the emotion, you can change your beliefs as well.

One thing to keep in mind is that your experiences aren’t just in your head; they are also in your body. In fact, your body may be more aware of the issues than your mind.

Tension, anxiety, pain, fear — it’s possible that you have these feelings and you don’t know why. So that’s another way to identify what is going on. You can ask your body what’s wrong. If you listen carefully, you’ll get an answer.

I don’t want to imply that everyone can sit down in an afternoon and break the compulsion to fix and help. These patterns can be deeply ingrained within you, especially if you were trained to be this way by your parents. If you’ve lived your whole life as a rescuer or people pleaser, it will take time to unravel. You may need techniques like EFT Tapping, which I’ll be talking about a lot more in the future. But I do want to assure you that recovery is possible.

I’ve talked on many occasions about making the decision to heal from your experience with the sociopath. This is what I mean. Actively go looking for those beliefs within you that have made you vulnerable. Once you find and release them, you’ll be on your way to recovery.

Learn more: Maybe you’re not codependent — you’re traumatized

Lovefraud originally posted this article on Sept. 9, 2013.