Editor’s note: Lovefraud honors and respects all spiritual traditions. This article refers to teachings of Christianity.
By Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
Recently there have been horrible and depressing videos and news stories about parents who are “supposedly” upright citizens but are abusers of their children. Even a professional person like Judge William Adams was seen on video severely beating and cursing his 16-year-old daughter. In addition, there have been in my own acquaintance a minister with children who was caught in a pedophile pornographic sting by the police as he was sending pictures of his “junk” to what he thought was a 14-year-old girl, who thank goodness, was a 40-year-old deputy sheriff.
This sort of news, along with the “usual” news of the people who abuse children, story after story, is so depressing: The former Penn State football coach preying on underprivileged kids. A man who beat his three-year-old stepdaughter to death because she didn’t want to eat a hot dog. The step mother who killed the deaf little Australian girl who had already survived cancer at the loss of her leg.
It is severely depressing to me that such horrible things go on every day to children who have no choice about leaving an abusive relationship. It is depressing to me that people know about “bruises” on these children before they are severely wounded or killed, and fail to report it to the authorities, or fail to take action. It is difficult for me to get these stories out of my mind, or to hold back the tears of rage, frustration and anger that I hold against these situations and the people who do these horrible things in their own lives and yet, sit on the bench in family court, or stand in the pulpit and “preach” to others about how to raise a child, while going home and secretly texting “dirty pictures” to what they believe is a young girl.
The text for most sermons for bringing up children in a Christian manner is taken from St. Paul speaking to the various churches about how to bring up their children.
Ephesians 6:4”—And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”
Colossians 3:21”—Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”
Overall, Paul is teaching us not to promote an angry mood or disposition in our children. Doing so may boomerang on us, because children will eventually reflect the disposition of the parents. Firmness in correction is fine, but we must especially be careful about our temperament when we give correction. Paul is talking about injustice, over-correction, neglect, and physical cruelty in correction.
If we want our children to grow up with empathy, compassion and a moral compass, we must display and model these things for our children so that they can emulate our own empathy, compassion and our own moral compasses. Children are not born knowing “right from wrong,” but are born with the capacity to learn right from wrong by our teaching and our modeling.
Too many times parents say to their children “do as I say, not as I do.” But the funny thing about that is our “actions speak louder than words.” Or these same parents will use the text from the Old Testament as an excuse to exercise physical abuse against the children that they are trying to “correct.”
Proverbs 13:24—”He who spareth the rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him correcteth him betimes.”
Proverbs 23:13-14—”Withhold not correction from a child: for if thou strike him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and deliver his soul from hell.”
The old phrase “spare the rod and spoil the child,” by the way, is not actually in the Bible, but is condensed, it is thought, from the above verses.
What is the “take away lesson” from all of these depressing stories of abuse of children, even by “esteemed members of the community—”judges, lawyers, doctors, teachers? I think that we as individuals are not only responsible for being role models for our own kids, but are responsible for watching out for the welfare of the kids in our neighborhoods, the kids in our scout troops, the kids in our churches, the kids in our neighborhoods, the kids our kids play with.
As citizens, we may not be “mandated reporters” and required by law to report even the suspicion of child abuse to “child protective services,” as most professionals (doctors, lawyers, teachers, social workers, etc.) are in most states. But I think that we ARE mandated by our compassion for the pain and danger of these children, and our own consciences, to report these events, or even the suspicion of abuse to the authorities. If these children are being “provoked to wrath” and “discouraged” by abuse, only the intervention from an outside source can truly stop it before it is too late. Psychopathic parents or stepparents will not stop the abuse on their own, and we, of all people, as former victims of psychopathic abuse, should know this.
Good article Oxy,
humans need behavior reinforcement with punishment and reward, just like any other social animal. It helps create a conscience. I think that where parents go wrong is when they shame their child. They might not ever physically touch the child (though it often DOES accompany beatings) but they make the child feel unworthy and unlovable through words, actions or inaction. This makes the child feel ashamed of who they are, rather than being ashamed for what they have done.
That kind of shame, I believe, is the root of many cases of narcissism and psychopathy. After that upbringing, there is not enough love in the world to make that person feel loved. They become a black hole.
But how do you report a case of a parent who has created shame in their child? It leaves no physical evidence.
Sky, your question “how do you report a case of a parent who has created shame in their child? It leaves no physical evidence?”
That is the “64 thousand dollar question”—we as a society aren’t able to protect the ones who are ALSO physically abused, and sexually abused, much less those that are emotionally abused.
Sometimes when I read news stories about these children, and the papers seem full of stories about them, or hear them on the news, I get really depressed about the state of our society.
Compared to so many of these kids, my childhood was “ideal,” because at least I survived it! We’ve got bloggers here, Concerned Grandmother, and others who witness the emotional abuse of their beloved grandchildren and are powerless to do anything about it. My dear friend whose P-son wouldn’t let her see the granddaughter she raised from birth til age 8 after he remarried (another disordered woman) and over the last 8 years my friend had to volunteer at the girl’s school so she could wave at the child across the lunch room to let her know she still loved her. Fortunately, after about 4-6 years of this, the girl got old enough and insistent enough that the father finally let her spend some time with her grandmother. My friend also made peace with the disordered bio-mother of the girl so that she could see the girl some on the bio- mother’s “visitation” times. The girl has turned out very well in spite of having two disordered parents, a disordered step mother and a LOT of drama in her life, thanks to my friend showing this child love and caring.
I’m very proud of my younger sister for a great many things, including the way she’s raising her kids (boy, age 9, and girl, just turned 5). If Nephew plays too roughly with Niece, or tickles her too long, and she objects, my sister jumps right in and reinforces that — she tells Nephew loud and clear, “If it’s about someone’s BODY, you HAVE TO STOP when they tell you to stop!”
I wish more kids were raised this way. I wish my ex-spath had been. But at least that’s how my sister’s kids are being raised.
Dear LadysweetG,
I agree with your sister, we must HONOR BOUNDARIES…when people tell us to STOP we must do so, but I also think it goes further than just physical or body boundaries, but into emotional boundaries as well.
Your sister is AWARE of boundaries and is teaching her children to also be aware of boundaries. Modeling this. Unfortunately, too many of us who either didn’t have boundaries, or didn’t know it was OK for us to enforce a boundary, allowed people to abuse us. Not only is your sister enforcing her son’s respect for other’s boundaries but enforcing your niece’s RIGHT to SET BOUNDARIES with others and expect that they honor and respect those boundaries.
TOWANDA for your sister!!!!!
Fantastic article!! Thank you!
Great article Joyce, thanks for posting!!! Brought tears to my eyes. And Skylar , your point about a parent instilling shame is really a good one, one of the things my SIL is doing to my niece. Too many sick people out there, very sad. Yeah the children are the hope of the world, everyone should see that!!!
Dear Caringaunt,
Your welcome! This Penn State thing has had me triggered all week, and it is so sad that people put sports, or anything else, for that matter, before the welfare of children.
The egos of parents I think do more damage than the belts that they beat the kids with….the scars and bruises on the body heal, but the emotions are battered in perpetuity I think. I only got one beating in my life from the egg donor, and I was so angry at her I “provoked” it knowing what I was doing would result in her taking a belt to me…but I just wanted to show her she couldn’t make me cry. I “won” that round, if you can call that a “win.” LOL But the continual devaluation hurt much much more than any lick she ever hit me. Over 50 years after that episode where she “beat” me, it is still not as painful as the look on her face was a few years ago when she recalled the beating and how “justified” it was because she said “you lied to me.” Funny thing was, I didn’t lie to her that day, I had sassed her, and when she justified in her own mind the beating, she still hadn’t had time to SWALLOW the LIE IN HER OWN MOUTH. (Head shaking here)
But I hope that everyone here who has been devalued by someone else and learned from that experience will pass on that knowledge to children and parents they encounter. Our children are our HOPE, as a species, as a world, as a nation, as a community, as a family, and as individuals.
Joyce, your egg donor displays some of the same traits as my SIL. Always justifies and defends actions, blames others for their actions “beating.” I am sorry to hear about your experiences. Glad you are doing well now,the knowledge you have is your power, they can’t fool you anymore or hurt you! I have a lot of respect for you for helping others with similar issues, most of all you did not lose your human qualities & compassion after having been exposed to so many psychopaths!!! I hope my niece holds on to her moral compass. She is very capable of love, has amazing instincts, has normal inhibitions, and knows right from wrong, but SIL is attacking each and every one of her normal traits, and training her to be the complete opposite of who she is!!!
Also read your post elsewhere about evil existing when nobody does anything about it. How true!!! I am thinking of my brother and even my mom, they have selfish motives to say nothing, ignore the situation, and this is exactly what the SIL is taking advantage of. If I just had the support of my brother & mom, surely we could all do more to help my niece. I am the only one in the family fighting for her, and I can’t even do too much about it. I am carrying a lot of guilt for not being able to do more…
Dear Caringaunt,
Being/feeling “guilty” about not being able to do more is counterproductive for you…you ARE doing all that you CAN. That may not be as MUCH AS YOU WANT TO but it is all that is POSSIBLE.
I hope that you will “adjust your thinking” on this as carrying a big load of guilt isn’t going to do you any good or the girl.
Look around like my friend did and find some way that you can connect with the girl outside of the mother’s presence…some way you can get “around” the mother’s evil influence and add in a positive influence. My friend was able to volunteer at the girl’s school, she would go to the ice rink and sit in the audience and watch and wave at the girl as she skated….it didn’t seem like much but it let her granddaughter know she was THERE for her and as time went on the girl got more insistent on seeing her grandmother….and eventually as an older child she got to.
So whatever you can do now, do that, and keep up your prayers and contact with the girl. When you are around her, give her compliments —make sure they are valid–about how she looks or behaves, or Something you have heard about her school work, or her friends….”Oh, Susie, I hear you made good grades this term….what a smart girl you are, and how hard you work.” That is something you can do even in front of the mother. Or you can say to the mother in front of the girl, ‘Gee, mommy-dearest, you must be so proud of daughter for making all A’s, I’m sure you are pleased to have such a smart and hard working daughter”
As for your brother and your mom, it IS frustrating that these people will STAND BY and not “rock the boat” where this issue is concerned, but unfortunately, that is the way it works with MANY PEOPLE. They “don’t see it” or they “don’t want to make a scene” or whatever.
My egg donor is driving now, over 7 years after her DOCTOR told her NOT TO DRIVE….on a busy narrow winding road that has a huge amount of big truck traffic as well as local traffic…and I asked a friend of mine who still has a relationship with her to speak to her about her driving, and he did, unsuccessfully, do so…of course not telling her where he got the information…but once upon a time when I had begged this same friend to help me, he “didn’t want to get involved” and until the DIL and the Trojan Horse were arrested after trying to kill my other son, he wouldn’t get involved. Now, he has agreed to help, but I don’t depend on him for MUCH…but any helps.
So, don’t give up….you may be the only positive influence in this child’s life. God bless.
Recently I fully understood the jealousy of a spath; towards his own children ..goes like this is in a court room me to judge ‘mr toss*er has already given evidence his children are not a priority and has paid nothing for 2 years, has taken me to court and used 5 addresses to avoid bailiffs’ ..judge to me ‘I have read the judgment against mr t***sser, and understand your frustration of being taken to court yet again by mr t***sser’. Spath ranting ‘I never took the whore to court’ ..judge to spath ‘yes you did’, spath to judge ‘you are an idiot’ ..judge to me ‘I fully understand mrs ….’.
Ranting spath ‘my daughter is thick and needs to get a job’; judge explains to spath ‘that is clearly untrue’ ..ranting continues ..judge to spath ‘do you understand the term vexatious litigant’ ..spath to judge ‘it is a whore, child abuser etc ..I have not had a fathers day card this year because the whore won’t let my children send me one’.
etc etc etc; judge to spath ‘you will go back before JE who knows you well mr to**ser for a full 1 day hearing’ ..spath starts ranting …I leave ..with the ‘I’m going to get an injunction/restraining order out on you’ ..judge to spath ‘that is your privilege’ .I am closing the door ..and grinning at my father, who can hear the to**er ranting even outside //
My daughter is 18, my son 17, he has paid no CM, takes me to court continually, married a woman off the internet, claimed under oath to have spent 60k on the wedding and is now divorced ..oh after 15 months; he has not seen his children in 6 years!!
My children’s hope is never to see the to**ser ever again ..apart from his pity me ploy he has not received a fathers day card; he then refers to a ‘cousin’ who has committed suicide; it is actually his nephew who he has not seen in decades, that didn’t work so he did the ‘I’m divorced again’; but he is still with her, still paying for her kids ..methinks that is an ‘in’ for the future ..his latest pity me ploy ‘he has arthritis in his fingers ..any may never work again on a keyboard’ ..who cares ..he actually thinks a judge will care ..
It is so pathetic …we just laugh ..being called a whore at every court appearance..I have got used to ..my children are thick hence they find it difficult to send the spath a fathers day card ..strange he is 2 weeks away from being arrested for child abuse …case all done, been to crown prosecution, him and ex wife …justice for my son ..abused ..he had a broken leg (skiing), he could not even runaway …they are sick!!
Rant over, teach children, listen and justice can be found ..