Editor’s note: Lovefraud honors and respects all spiritual traditions. This article refers to teachings of Christianity.
By Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
Recently there have been horrible and depressing videos and news stories about parents who are “supposedly” upright citizens but are abusers of their children. Even a professional person like Judge William Adams was seen on video severely beating and cursing his 16-year-old daughter. In addition, there have been in my own acquaintance a minister with children who was caught in a pedophile pornographic sting by the police as he was sending pictures of his “junk” to what he thought was a 14-year-old girl, who thank goodness, was a 40-year-old deputy sheriff.
This sort of news, along with the “usual” news of the people who abuse children, story after story, is so depressing: The former Penn State football coach preying on underprivileged kids. A man who beat his three-year-old stepdaughter to death because she didn’t want to eat a hot dog. The step mother who killed the deaf little Australian girl who had already survived cancer at the loss of her leg.
It is severely depressing to me that such horrible things go on every day to children who have no choice about leaving an abusive relationship. It is depressing to me that people know about “bruises” on these children before they are severely wounded or killed, and fail to report it to the authorities, or fail to take action. It is difficult for me to get these stories out of my mind, or to hold back the tears of rage, frustration and anger that I hold against these situations and the people who do these horrible things in their own lives and yet, sit on the bench in family court, or stand in the pulpit and “preach” to others about how to raise a child, while going home and secretly texting “dirty pictures” to what they believe is a young girl.
The text for most sermons for bringing up children in a Christian manner is taken from St. Paul speaking to the various churches about how to bring up their children.
Ephesians 6:4”—And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”
Colossians 3:21”—Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”
Overall, Paul is teaching us not to promote an angry mood or disposition in our children. Doing so may boomerang on us, because children will eventually reflect the disposition of the parents. Firmness in correction is fine, but we must especially be careful about our temperament when we give correction. Paul is talking about injustice, over-correction, neglect, and physical cruelty in correction.
If we want our children to grow up with empathy, compassion and a moral compass, we must display and model these things for our children so that they can emulate our own empathy, compassion and our own moral compasses. Children are not born knowing “right from wrong,” but are born with the capacity to learn right from wrong by our teaching and our modeling.
Too many times parents say to their children “do as I say, not as I do.” But the funny thing about that is our “actions speak louder than words.” Or these same parents will use the text from the Old Testament as an excuse to exercise physical abuse against the children that they are trying to “correct.”
Proverbs 13:24—”He who spareth the rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him correcteth him betimes.”
Proverbs 23:13-14—”Withhold not correction from a child: for if thou strike him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and deliver his soul from hell.”
The old phrase “spare the rod and spoil the child,” by the way, is not actually in the Bible, but is condensed, it is thought, from the above verses.
What is the “take away lesson” from all of these depressing stories of abuse of children, even by “esteemed members of the community—”judges, lawyers, doctors, teachers? I think that we as individuals are not only responsible for being role models for our own kids, but are responsible for watching out for the welfare of the kids in our neighborhoods, the kids in our scout troops, the kids in our churches, the kids in our neighborhoods, the kids our kids play with.
As citizens, we may not be “mandated reporters” and required by law to report even the suspicion of child abuse to “child protective services,” as most professionals (doctors, lawyers, teachers, social workers, etc.) are in most states. But I think that we ARE mandated by our compassion for the pain and danger of these children, and our own consciences, to report these events, or even the suspicion of abuse to the authorities. If these children are being “provoked to wrath” and “discouraged” by abuse, only the intervention from an outside source can truly stop it before it is too late. Psychopathic parents or stepparents will not stop the abuse on their own, and we, of all people, as former victims of psychopathic abuse, should know this.
Movingon,
Is there a chance he will go to JAIL for failure to pay up on CM? Can the judge put him in jail for “contempt of court” (acting like an ass, calling the judge names etc) judges here can put a person in jail for that kind of behavior and they WILL do so.
Movingon ~
Most of us have the problem of the spath wearing the mask of Mr./Mrs. Nice Guy in court and con the judges. Sounds like your’s left his “nice mask” in his other pants.
You are so right – they are sickos !!
MiLo,
Yes, the spath wears the mask of Mr. Nice Guy. People eventually learn how he actually is. Our spath left town with a bang, whereabouts unknown. Well, the spath is still alive – we have proof that he stayed in hotel rooms a couple of times and now we’ve recently received letters from him in the mail (one to the oldest son and one to me), trying to get our sympathy – he’s in a bad way, wanting to rebuild his life, etc. He wrote one to me telling me that he loves me and the kids. If the authorities ever catch him, he’ll be rebuilding his life in a jail cell. I told a counselor, I feel like I’m in a soap opera (a nightmare) that I can’t get out of. It all wears on you mentally.
Dear Bluejay,
Him wanting to “rebuild his life” is no more real or true than him “going to kill himself”—LOL It is like Dr. Hare said, they just “can’t learn the music” even if they can learn to say the words, they can’t hear the TUNE. LOL At least though, the letters and the antics he is pulling will show the kids and others what a FAKER he is. I know it has hurt the kids, but they will be more able to recover knowing the truth than him pretending to be Mr. Nice guy!
Blue Jay,
hmm…
is there any way you can reply with, “aren’t you done killing yourself yet?”
or promise him a lovely funeral. They love drama.
I don’t mean to make light of your feelings and what you are going through, but it makes me sick that he is still trying to reel you back in. If there is anyway you can laugh at him, you will find some healing in the laughter.
I was not expecting receiving letters from him, so I was surprised by them, especially the one that came earlier this week, apologizing to me for not taking “better care of you,” also stating that he loves me and the kids (I haven’t heard any expression of love toward me in years). He claims that he has been wandering around and is seeking help (from what I’m assuming is a mental health facility). Since his word is unreliable, I’m guessing that it’s bogus. What I can’t stand is that I react emotionally (getting upset, imagining him homeless, wandering around, alone, eating out of trash bins, etc.). All of this wears on me because I am unable to disconnect emotionally. The letters get me thinking, concern rising. I don’t know where he is. I’ve become suspicious of his family members, wondering if they know his whereabouts. When the spath went missing, his family members descended on my house. Spath’s former employee told me that when she visited us a day or two after he went missing, she went away feeling something was off – she told me that it dawned on her that his family members (eg. brothers and sisters) were unemotional about him leaving in a dramatic way, they didn’t react the way you would expect family members to respond (with high emotion). She told me that she could tell that I was very upset, shaky, not doing well, and the kids were upset, crying, etc. It took this woman to point this out to me – she thought that the spath’s family members responded in an odd way. The more I think about this family – they don’t seek each other out when they need to be comforted emotionally. This is what I want to be free of – analyzing this family.
Bluejay ~ My P daughter disappeared off the face of the earth for about 4 months. I understand how your mind can wander, I had the same feelings, living on the streets, eating out of trash cans, etc. She was actually living in a very nice apartment, having a merry old time, until the law caught up with her.
I’ll bet you he IS with family members. The letters, well the suicide threat didn’t work, so now he is seeking help (another one my daughter used more than once) and saying I’m sorry. Yea, right, when pigs fly and as Hens says, bacon is hanging from the trees. It is VERY hard to disconnect emotionally, because we are the ones that actually have emotions. But, you know that is what you must do. And yes, you NEED to be free of the drama of his family too.
I am so sorry. Stay strong.
Oh, feeling like you are living in a soap opera, I felt like I was on marathon episodes of Jerry Springer !!!
Oxy,
First off, I’ve been on LF for awhile now and YOU are a ray of sunshine (literally AND figuratively) for SO many people. Keep the faith! I don’t know how you have time for all your posts, but you shed a lot of light on helping people understand the OH, that’s what “this” is. I spent friggin’ years trying to figure out what was “wrong” with my spath. Sometimes he seemed so normal and sometimes so off. But now I see the “off” is the mask, the lies that they are able to make so believeable, the pity ploy.
Bluejay – don’t fall for any of this stuff. His letters are nonsense and fake. Remember, it’s just words and there is no behavior to back up the words. Look for actions and behavior. My spath layed on the couch one day and said he felt like killing himself. Now, I would say, “Please do, how can I help?” LOL
At the time I was so upset I called his brother. He asked me, “In what context?” (did he say this?) He was no more concerned about this than if he had fettuccine or linguine or spaghetti. Pasta is Pasta. A sociopath is a spath. Looks like a duck, walks like a duck, oh it is a duck.
I literally can’t grasp why they play with people’s emotions, why the bleep he’s writing to me and my son. The letters came out of nowhere. Can he not write his brothers or sisters, leaving us alone? Whenever something arises (in connection to the spath), it literally triggers internal reactions (anxiety, depression, etc.) that takes a day or two for me to “come down” from, getting equilibrium again. In my letter, he told me that he’s “lost 25 lbs.” and that he doesn’t want the kids to see him “like this.” That was disturbing and alarming. When I told his brother about the letter, he said that the spath could talk people into doing things for him (he probably wasn’t homeless nor eating out of trash bins) and that he was overweight (not true), so losing 25 lbs. wasn’t so bad. I don’t understand these people.
Oxy,
A comment on the advice to CaringAunt:
My MIL does exactly what you suggested. However in a fake phoney showy way. She is often looking for a way to find some time to connect with my children outside of their mother’s presence (That would be ME). She always wanted the kids alone. She now sits at their events and waves and smiles – then looks around to all the parents like – look at me what a wonderful grandmother I am. All of her interactions are sugary, syrupy, sickeningly sweet, over the top and she shops and takes them to lunch and it’s all so positive. When the kids were little she made me feel like she was doing me such a favor with any little bit of care taking. I always felt like I owed her, like I could never repay her. But the kids know, they never talk about anything real, too deep, too emotional. It’s all very superficial, which some days is fine. In fact if she gets to seeming real it’s about something wrong with her (the pity play on the grandkids) She is an spath herself, but is expert at ACTing like she cares, but in private she has locked the other cousins out of the house, held one of them’s head under the faucet to “calm her down”, argues like a brat with one of them. My kids swear she’s never done this to them. The day I decided my kids spend less time with their grandma was agonizing. Now I am so glad, once I finally figured out who she really was.
As for her relationship with my spath wasband, she feels sorry for him. When he acted overworked, she says “I hear it’s like that for all guys in the high tech industry. They hardly have any time to spend with their families. Have you tried feeling sorry for him?” Spath would say to me, You have no idea how hard I work, I have a headache, my stomach hurts, blah blah blah He seemed so fragile sometimes. That’s the pity…. don’t expect anything out of me while I’m at home with you. Faker, actor, poser, spath, loser, phoney. Yeah for me, now his mistress can take him for the ride of his life. Ha Ha
Hey, I’m healing, I’m laughing and it feels GREAT