I use “sociopathy” as an umbrella term to cover several disorders in which people exploit others antisocial personality disorder, psychopathy, narcissism, borderline personality disorder.
One of the truly scary aspects of sociopathy is that it is highly genetic. If a child has a sociopathic parent, or sociopaths somewhere on the family tree, the child could inherit a predisposition to become a sociopath as well.
So how do you prevent this from happening? By using experience to modify biology.
Bruce Lipton, Ph.D., is author of a book called The Biology of Belief: Unleashing the Power of Consciousness, Matter and Miracles. In this video presentation, Lipton lays out the basic science of how genetics really works, and how we can overcome genetic predispositions.
This seems to indicate that environment (one’s perception of), rather than genes,determines whether or not we become sociopathetic. Yet the scientific community seems to claim that this illness cannot be altered by environmental factors. Which is it…I’m still confused?
Flicka – that is exactly Bruce Lipton’s point. The scientific community has accepted, hook, line and sinker, the idea that whatever genes you get determine your life, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Lipton says that idea is flatly wrong, as his own research in cell biology has proven.
Yes, sociopaths have inherited the genes that predispose them to personality disorder. BUT they most likely also grew up with experiences that would encourage those genes to express. How? Most likely from the manipulative or even abusive treatment they received from sociopathic parents. Or the well-intentioned but uninformed parenting from those parents who didn’t understand what they were dealing with.
If someone has inherited the genes for sociopathy, it is very challenging to turn it around. But Dr. Liane Leedom, in her book “Just Like His Father?”, explains what can be done.
After 23 years in a failing marriage and having been a psych minor at Cornell, I read all I could and figured out, in 1982, what I was dealing with. By that time, we had 5 children who had been abused by their father.Upon divorce, my primary goal was to try and raise wonderful children, despite what the authorities said were slim chances.And upon grduation from H.S. and college, it seemed all my dreamscame true. I even have a medical doctor as a son. But a few years after they left home, the traits began gradually appearing. As a loving mother, it was hard for me a accept the truth…my five children had become psychotic themselves and through intimidation, convinced family and friends that their mom was going “crazy”! Friends/relatives who know both sides say my children see me as “the weak one” and their 77 year old destitute father as “a winner”!(omnipotent). So they follow his example despite “affairs”, blaming business partners for failures, tax evasion, being a dead-beat dad etc. So, despite all my efforts it seems the illness has finally taken over! Not that I dispute what Dr. Leedom claims, it’s just that the 40’s may prove differently.
Flicka,
Your post here is so heartbreaking, more so since it reflects my experience as well. Christmas is an especially hard time of year to face the truth that in spite of best efforts, my Adult child has chosen a path that will NEVER lead to success. I thought I rescued her in time from my exhusband’s sociopathic mindset, but she gravitated towards scapegoating, blaming, shortcuts, issues with impulse control, ridiculing whomever she says is weak…
I think the problem may be that an emotionally healthy parent might SEEM be able to intervene bad genes and raise an emotionally healthy child, but the proof will be when that child is exposed to a different social environment, what will they chose then? My daughter had “incidents” when she was a kid, seemed to straighten out during highschool/college, her first years in her career seemed normal with a few incidents of wobbling, but these last three are increasingly calloused, inconsiderate, blaming others for her erratic behaviors… she left her job before she was fired.
Another point…
Too often, as I confess has been my history, I was NOT emotionally healthy for any of those years during marriage to an increasingly abusive/controlling/exploitative/manipulative husband…it took some time to purge his poison out of my own psyche. It wasn’t like leaving turned off the faucet of dysfunction. So try as I might, like second hand smoke, I am sure she was breathing lingering toxins even though he was no longer in our home.
My heart cries for you and I hope you give tapping a try; it seems to work for me in quelling those intense feelings of sorrow and regret. I still have these feelings but their intensity seems to have diminished, almost to a sense of peaceful calm. It is especially important for us to employ EFT at special times of the year, like now, when we feel so alone, so discarded.Hopefully, you are young enough to be able to move/start over in some new, exciting endeavor. I am 76 and disabled which makes those options impossible to me. Instead, I barricade myself to my family and the world as instructed by my attorney and psych experts.
May you have a peaceful Christmas and know you have only my best wishes for the New Year.
i had a child i didnt understand. at all. in fact i thot she was much like me, that that was part of the problem wen we clashed lol. i was ignorant but the damage is still there and i had to forgive myself of this (even with many others throwing stones at me). i consciously did the VERY BEST I COULD for my kids. i always chose consciously. it wasnt i didnt have time or the situation ran the show, etc.
to have them be so damaged is unthinkable. to know its prob never going to be undone is worse than unthinkable. i can only cope with it now by being numb to it…which was achieved only thru self-forgiveness.
thank God at least the only person she has treated like a spath is me. at least she is not out killing other ppl’s souls like a spath. that is my only consolation. she is a sick little girl, but its self-abuse she practices. 🙁
Dr. Leedom points out that there are “sensitive periods” in a child’s development when their brains are particularly open to influence. Most of them are when the children are very young.
Unfortunately, it seems that many, if not most, Lovefraud readers don’t figure out that their partners are sociopaths for quite a long time, and therefore don’t realize the risk to the children. By the time they do, the genes for sociopathy may have already been activated.
Plus, it is really, really difficult to parent a child who has inherited a predisposition for sociopathy. One of the issues is that they can be really “bad,” even as toddlers – such as throwing tantrums – but harsh discipline doesn’t work with them. Parents may need to be superheros, and it’s hard to be a superhero.
Dr. Leedom and you may be right; especially since most wives and mother’s do not recoognize that they’re dealing with sociopaths until their offspring have already been subjected. But all five of my children were loved by all, were student athletes and went on to excellent professions. Their psychopathic traits did not “blossom” until they were in their 40’s, possibly due to environmental stresses and gravitating towards their abusive father.An interesting ongoing dabate.
Well this worrisome.
My ex, had it rough growing up (ive heard this from other family members not just her) Her parents got divorced when she was about 4 and both remarried and had kids again leaving my ex as usually the odd one out. Both parents allowed the step parents to somewhat mistreat her (not physical abuse) Her mother is very controlling, loves attention, and acts like shes done no wrong in her life. Her father is harder to read, hes quiet seems respectful, but there is something about him I do not trust, my father said the same thing the first time he met her father.
She has gone through bouts for several years where she has not had any contact with 1 or both parents, yet conveniently forgetting what caused the fallout. Her mother was very aggressive (physically too) she seen her mother go after her dad and stepmom, as well as have shoving/shouting matches with her stepdad (sounds like my relationship with her) Now I wonder with her mother and her, if my kids have been exposed to these genes, and if so with the ex raising them that most certainly will spell doom for my children, I highly doubt I will ever get custody unless she hands it over. Although one time during an argument she demanded that I take my daughter with me only to change her mind 2 days later.
I guess all I can do is see them as often as I can and give them as much love as I can, I don’t know what else to do to prevent them from this happening to them.
dont worry about ur kids rite now.
u cant help them till u are free.
get ur mind straightened out, stay away from the abuser.
of course ur going to see and talk to and love on ur kids but dont worry about this too.
one thing at a time.
Dave…
One fact I learned: Love is not enough (very important though). I recommend that you do all you can to connect your child to their humanity.
If I could redo my parenting, I’d spend more time teaching her to identify her feelings and WHY she feels those feelings, and talking/reinforcing about HOW “our values” helps us to make good choices (cause/effect in practice).
I made a HUGE mistake focusing on making her feel good about herself. Instead, My child needed more learning how to develop her self respect, NOT self esteem (She esteems herself VERY well, high esteem came easily to her.).
Like my exhusband, she has ENORMOUS self esteem (arrogance/superiority over others). She sabotages her own best interests for an undefined short term petty “win”.
OMfreakinG…BINGO! Litebulbs!
i have enormous self-esteem…but ya know what? self-respect is lacking. Gotta be that. THAT’S how I get myself to tolerate these stupid-ass men and their stupid-ass issues.
DAMN
When children have inherited genes that predispose them to sociopathy, what they need to learn is the ability to love. These children do not love naturally. They do not necessarily value human closeness. They need to be taught to want human closeness – real closeness, not exploitation.
All parents in this situation should get Dr. Leedom’s book:
http://www.lovefraud.com/shop/just-like-his-father/
So true but, especially in today’s “me”, instant “feel-good” society, I also believe that despite all such attempts, the sociopathic characteristics, CAN surface many decades later.In the interim, these types are such good actors, the mother may never see the signs, or chooses not to. Many thanks for your valued knowledge!
As I read this blog, I thought about how I would have responded a year ago. I would have been entirely discouraged and feeling hopeless because my three (now) adult children had aligned with the sociopath. My experience with the sociopath (who I had been married to) was the same as others. I did not recognize my ex-husband as a sociopath until after divorce and after seeing his pathological behaviors explode. I studied Donna Anderson’s website and communicated with her by email. I also read “A Dance With the Devil” by Barbara Bentley. With the help of both Donna and Barbara, I woke up to the reality of sociopathic behavior. By then, my children were very damaged, as was I, and I had much recovery work to do.
I suffered, to the extreme, while earning a college education and while becoming a mental health professional. I wrote a book about my life experience (Spellbreaker, Transcending Violence) and I quit tolerating the behaviors of my children. When I was finally able to let go of my relationships with my children (the most difficult decision I ever had to make), dynamics started to settle down. I had been destroying my health by trying to hold on to relationships with my adult children while being extremely abused. I had read about the “gift of release” by Catherine Ponder and was finally able to let go and let goodness come into my life.
This year has been phenomenal because two of my adult children have awakened. One adult child was awakened when her sociopathic father raged at her, took no responsibility, and rejected her. Another child awakened through a series of life challenges. Both read my book, which helped as I intended, because it compiled the years of a sociopath’s insanity which made it much easier for my children to recover. I think of how difficult it would have been if my adult children would have had to retrieve past memories that had to be buried in order to survive. I think of how difficult it would have been for my children to accurately interpret a father who takes his mask on and off in order to manipulate their minds. Amy J. L. Baker, in her book “Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome” states how it can take 7 – 47 years for a child to awaken from the brainwashing of an “obsessed alienator” (i.e. a sociopath).
I hope this gives hope to other parents who have tried everything they can think of to heal their relationships with their children after the sociopath worked over-time to destroy them. Now that my two children have finally recognized truth, we have begun our recovery. I have one more adult child, who is stuck in the brainwashing, who I hope will also awaken. The tide is finally turning after living through hell on earth because of the nightmare created by a sociopath without conscience.
I’m so happy you are reconnecting with your brain-washed children. I haven’t spoken to any of my 5 childen in years and doubt they will ever “see the truth”. Since they have each other for mutual support in their lies, they have no need to change.But kudos to you in regaining some emotional support and making headway.
i hope this will be also true for adult children who had other influence in their life, not a spath nor narc nor BPD, that was still unhealthy (alcoholic, etc). My kids grew up without a father (he died). So how they are is totally MY FAULT in ppl’s eyes. yet the very bad influences they had thru family and some of my own former friends even (im sad to say) seem to have been able to wreak such havoc on them. my own mom suicided at 34 (i was 14) and my oldest is just as NUTTY as she was (we were never taken away from mom, and readers let me tell you, We Should Have Been). wen i realized my mom’s mental illness had just skipped me (prob narc at the core, but maybe BPD), but was alive and thriving in my precious daughter i was sad sad sad and then angry. by then we were estranged and no one will listen to me. Release just gives all the “cohorts in crime” more proof i am the devil as im done atoning for any perceived wrong and dont attempt contact — but i have peace. my kids dont. it breaks my heart. to say my own dearly loved child is mentally ill breaks my heart. I, in fact lost my second daughter to death at 20 becuz of the drug lifestyle. everyone told my oldest daughter they cudnt believe “the phone call” wasnt saying she was dead, they’d been expecting THAT for at least 5 yrs. i was the only one who rly got the psychic pain (& real physical pain also) my 2nd oldest daughter was in. the last 2 yrs of her life were a miracle, even tho they were filled with hell for her. i kept telling her someday ur heart wont start up again. it wont. and then it didnt (she was the only one who never estranged herself from me)
wat i guess im trying to say is that other ppl than the spath may influence ur children and i hope these children can wake up too. that describes my feeling about them exactly. its like aliens moved into my kids’ bodies and i want my kids back. the false guilt is gone and i have peace. but my kids suffer daily, miserably. i hate it. i wish i cud take it for them and they could have their souls back. i have lived without peace and theres nothing worse. nothing.
i now have 2 kids left at home of the 5 i’ve had. these 2 have a spath for a father. i am terrified of them being this too. his dad is NUTS (no idea with wat), his mom is functional but crazy (dont know for sure wat, dont rly know her and didnt ever want to) then u figure in my mom and im like SIGHHHHH. my kids are 8 and 6 and still love to cuddle and seem to understand u dont want it done, dont do it to so and so and u are not the most important person in the world, allll ppl have worth becuz God made them and life isnt always fair, guess u didnt want that piece of cake thats a millimeter smaller than ur sister’s (then they say, oh ok i will be happy with it and eat it lol). but i am constantly on alert to any behavior that mimics their dad’s and how its NOT tolerated. at all. period.
but it seems hopeless somedays wen i read stuff like this.
i am so happy that ur kids have “come home”. praying number 3 does soon also! YAYAYAYAY