Lovefraud received the following email from the reader who posts as "Saskgirl:" I must say that your website is a lifesaver. It has helped me recover from a devastating relationship with a sociopath. It is amazing how many stories I read on your site and can totally identify with them. The people could be talking about the piece of garbage I was tangled up with. I have been single for about a year and a half and have spent a lot of that time healing and working on me. I am ready to start dating (I think) but I'm afraid that it will be disastrous for me. I was so emotionally wrecked that I'm terrified of being there again. I don't trust anyone and believe that just about every thing …
With the sociopath, I kept my mouth shut — not anymore
By Eleanor Cowan A 1929 Depression-era humorist, Andrew Glasow, once wrote, “Improvement begins with I,” and this week, I noted an example of my progress. On Tuesday, I filled out a feedback form about a costly senior health program I attended. I complained that our well-paid lecturers felt entitled to consume 96 minutes of our time to detail their personal histories of living overseas, the languages they’d learned so quickly, and the distinguished academic careers of their high-achieving children – none of which was on the agenda. Annoyed, I chose not to return to the afternoon segment. That evening, an attendee, Ted, called to say that only the last scrunchy 25 minutes of the worksho …
With the sociopath, I kept my mouth shut — not anymoreRead More
Forget the checklist — after the sociopath pay attention to how YOU feel in a new relationship
When you're romantically involved with a sociopath, sooner or later your entire relationship falls apart. The level of destruction may differ, but the bottom line is the same for all of these involvements: There never was a relationship — everything you thought you had was built on lies. You're devastated. But if you follow Lovefraud's advice and allow yourself sufficient time to process and recover from the experience, eventually another opportunity for romance will come your way. Still, you may feel gun shy. You were completely deceived before. How can you be sure it won't happen again? The Lovefraud reader, "Slimone," posted a comment recently that I believe is absolutely terrific a …
Video: Why we mistakenly feel guilty when we’re abused by a sociopath
[youtube_sc url="https://youtu.be/gdrim7Kt5BM"]When Travis Vining was a young man, his sociopathic father murdered a man — one of four people he killed — and then manipulated Travis into helping him destroy evidence. For years after that, Travis experienced guilt and emotional pain that manifested as physical illnesses. But that is in the past. Travis has overcome the experience and now helps others recover from their entanglements with sociopaths. In his upcoming webinar he'll explain how to do it: Self-forgiveness: Understanding and letting go of guilt Presented by Travis Vining Tuesday, August 14 • 8-9 pm ET • $25 More info …
Video: Why we mistakenly feel guilty when we’re abused by a sociopathRead More
Pain as motivation for escaping the sociopath
A couple of weeks ago, I posted an article entitled, How to overcome your addiction to sociopaths. In it, I offered three steps for changing a pattern of falling in love with sociopaths. The steps are: No Contact with the current sociopath Do not date anyone for the time being Heal the vulnerabilities The real work is in the third step — healing your vulnerabilities. What I suggest sounds somewhat like the good advice that we get on many topics, like: Eat your vegetables Make time for regular exercise Cut down on sugar, carbs and alcohol Get enough sleep We all know we should do all these things, but do we do them? How often do we skip going to the gym, or po …
How to overcome your addiction to sociopaths
Lovefraud received the following email from a woman whom we'll call "Peggy Sue." I feel hopeless. I'm a target for sociopaths, or I'm addicted to them. My ex-fiancé was one. I was with him 7 years and was abused every way possible. I was so confused with the lies and double life. He said I was crazy and I went on tons of medication and was completely isolated. I finally was able to leave after 7 years with the help of police, only to move back to my dads with nothing and to start all over. A month later fell in love with another sociopath. My friends and family think I'm gonna end up dead by him or killing myself. I have been to therapy they all just say move out and leave. I can't — t …
After our own abusive childhoods, endeavoring to protect others
By Eleanor Cowan Way back in 1940, my Dad, Neil, married Maggie, a gentle woman soon thrilled at the birth of a son, Gordon. In late May, the young mom traveled to visit her parents in Nova Scotia and settled into a beautiful summer. Even with a war going on in Europe, and even though Gordie’s dad remained in Montreal, those months with her family became even more valued given Maggie’s sudden death. In early September, Maggie packed to return to her husband in Montreal. Hours before her departure on the 6 p.m. train, she began hyperventilating. Her blood pressure sky-rocketed and Maggie plummeted into mortal asthmatic distress. She never got to Montreal. Before her horrified parents, Ma …
After our own abusive childhoods, endeavoring to protect othersRead More
After the sociopath, a man with borderline personality disorder
Editor's Note: Lovefraud received the following email from reader Victimcindy. Donna Andersen responds after the letter. My first relationship, after my 18-year marriage to a sociopath, was to a borderline personality disordered (BPD) man. Do you find this common as the disordered traits are opposite in some areas? We think we are getting something new and healthy. Spath vs BPD: sex My spath-ex withheld sex as power. The borderline was highly sexual. My spath-ex was charming, but lacked empathy and was emotionally unavailable. He also abused substances, was opportunistic with casual sex outside marriage and secretive. Spath vs BPD: love The borderline was vulnerable, overly e …
After the sociopath, a man with borderline personality disorderRead More
Strategies to help recover from a break-up — at least in normal relationships
In a recent scientific paper, researchers tested three cognitive strategies to help people get over a breakup with a romantic partner. They studied 24 heartbroken people, who had been in the relationship an average of 2.5 years. All were upset, and most still loved their exes. The recovery strategies: Negatively reappraise their ex — highlighting the ex's negative traits. Love reappraisal — accepting feelings of love without judgment. Distraction — think about positive things unrelated to the ex. Here were the results, according to the study authors: Negative reappraisal decreased love feelings but made participants feel unpleasant. Love reappraisal did nothing. Di …
Strategies to help recover from a break-up — at least in normal relationshipsRead More
If your relationship and financial support are gone, services for displaced homemakers may be able to help
[youtube_sc url="https://youtu.be/KXLu76dm_jU"] If you're in dire financial straits because you've been abandoned, divorced or widowed, there may be resources in your community to help you. At last month's Battered Mothers Custody Conference, I met Nancy Howard, director of the Center for People in Transition at Rowan College in Gloucester County, New Jersey. Her social services agency assists displaced homemakers in becoming self-sufficient. Nancy told me that displaced homemaker programs are available in all 50 states of the United States. To find them, just Google "displaced homemaker" and the name of your state. According to People in Transition, a displaced homemaker is …