For purposes of simplicity I will be using “he” throughout this post to designate the abuser and “she” to designate the abuse victim. We can all agree that males are also abused in relationships by females. One of the insidious (and enabling) aspects of abuse is that the abuse victim often lacks a credible witness to the abuse that is occurring (or has occurred). “Witnessing” is the act of validating, of believing, the victim's presentation of her trauma. It is the willingness to face, not turn away from, the victim's experience of her experience. The abuse victim often lacks a mature, credible witness to validate the abuse as existing as a real problem—a real problem that is called “abus …
Realities only family members know
Research into sociopathy/psychopathy has made a great deal of progress over the last 30 years. Even so, there is much that research does not address. For example, sociopaths are described as callous, lacking in empathy and without remorse for their hurtful actions. These sterile descriptors always fall short of really conveying the evil of the disordered. A good 6 months before the Madoff story broke, I began a project to connect with the family members of professional con artists. The purpose of this project is to document the within family behavior of con artists and to link that “profession” to psychopathic personality traits. I have had good success connecting with family members and th …
Over use of the term psychopath/sociopath?
With the release of the Mask of Sanity in the 1940s Dr. Hervey Cleckley began the quest to describe a syndrome called psychopathy, in which affected individuals prey on others without remorse. Since people affected by the syndrome are socially disordered the syndrome has also been called sociopathy. Dr. Robert Hare extended the work of Cleckley and carefully documented the symptoms of the disorder. All this research has lead to two basic conclusions: 1. It is quite remarkable that individuals who choose a lifestyle of remorseless predation of other people are so similar in their behaviors and personality traits. 2. Equally important is the idea that non-disordered people do not “regularly” …
“Emotional blindness” and the sociopath
Editor's note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who comments as "Pearl." By Pearl Someone on this blog once mentioned a book by Alice Miller and Andrew Jenkins, and it caught my attention. So now I'm reading The Truth Will Set You Free—Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self. Even though I'm only about halfway through the book, I wanted to share parts of it because it is so important to what a lot of us are working on—forgiving ourselves and trying to understand why this (fraud) happened to us. I know this won't apply or appeal to everyone, but it might help some of you as it has me. Miller's ideas help me understand why I was sus …
A sociopath will leave you out in the cold every time
The day after Christmas, I got a lesson in respecting the elements. It was about 35°F, not really that cold, but there was quite a wind chill. The kids and I went to the beach to run the dog on the sand at about 3:30 in the afternoon. We got back to the van at about 5 to discover that good old Mom had lost her keys. (Actually, a prior foster dog had chewed a hole in my jacket pocket and the keys fell out.) I ended up calling a taxi, but we waited in the elements for at least an hour total. We were all properly dressed with boots, hats, gloves and heavy jackets. In spite of being prepared, we were chilled to the bone when we finally got home. I said to my daughter, “I can see how easy it i …
A sociopath will leave you out in the cold every timeRead More
When Mom or her partner is a sociopath
It seems obvious that sociopaths make lousy parents and step parents. But the courts have not always seen it that way. One father trying to protect his daughter from a sociopathic mother was asked by a mental health professional, "So she's a liar does that make her a bad mother?" Furthermore, the texbook I use to teach forensic psychology says that professionals who evaluate parents in custody disputes "should avoid diagnostic labels" and "accentate the postitives." There seems to be a lack of clarity as to what makes an adequate parent, a good parent and a bad parent. The court also does not recognize that the biologic children of sociopaths may have special developmental needs if they …
The getting in is easy, why’s the getting out so hard?
If it's easy getting into a relationship with an exploiter, getting out isn't always so simple. What makes the getting out so difficult? In retrospect (if we're lucky enough to say “in retrospect”) it seems like it should have been a no-brainer. In truth there are many reasons it can be hard to leave a destructive relationship and destructive person. I've addressed several of them in previous posts, and the LoveFraud community in general has addressed this theme comprehensively. But here I'd like to consider a less-appreciated factor. I regard it as the factor of habituation. Optimally the best time to end a relationship with an exploiter is the very first signal you get that something i …
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Lost Memories of a Sociopathic Killer
I was on my knees in the family room of our home. It was about 5:00 am and I was reflecting on some journaling that I had been doing for the past few months. It was suggested that I think through everything that I had written down about my past memories to be sure that I had everything. I had been through a detox facility three months earlier to get off of pain pills a few months after having major back surgery. I had been off of the pills for three months now. I had become addicted to them and now I was “cleaning house” so that it wouldn't happen again. Suddenly, it hit me like a freight train. My initial thought, as fear began to grip my entire being, was “Oh My God”. I said this to mys …
Is this person a jerk, a narcissist or a sociopath?
I do my best to read all of the comments on lovefraud.com because I think they are a good barometer as to what people are thinking and questioning. One recent theme/question has been the issue of the realm of jerkdom. Just what is a jerk? Merriam-Webster's online dictionary defines a jerk as an annoyingly stupid or foolish person b: an unlikable person ; especially one who is cruel, rude, or small-minded. But how would a psychologist approach answering this question? Psychologists studying personality tend to fall into two categories, with members of the first category being far more numerous. The first category of psychologists is composed of trait psychologists. A trait psychologist is …
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Exploiters seek partners who dread to displease them
It is no accident that narcissistic and sociopathic personalities will seek, and often successfully attract, partners who have their own issue: a tendency to dread the idea of disappointing or displeasing them. This is admittedly a generality, but it's a pattern I've observed in my clinical experience, and it makes sense. The exploiter, who regards others as existing principally to satisfy his or her wants on a continual basis, must by definition find in a mate someone who is highly motivated—and especially, highly afraid not—to satisfy him or her. Thus one often finds the pairing of an exploiter complemented by a partner who is prone, perhaps compulsively, to look inward to himself or her …
Exploiters seek partners who dread to displease themRead More