Hello, Lovefraud Readers. A quick reintroduction: I'm Helen Beverly, an author and psychotherapist who writes under the name H.G. Beverly. I was married to a psychopath for over a decade and am still dealing with the challenges of raising our children "together" in a society that struggles to deal with psychopathy. I've written some posts about those challenges that you can find archived here on Lovefraud. Also, I published my memoir, The Other Side of Charm, in 2014 and am now releasing my next book one chapter at a time. You can find it here and on my blog at hgbeverly.com. It's called My Ex is a Psychopath, But I Am Strong and Free. This book details my healing journey despite failed sy …
Sociopath Control: Lessons From Economics 101 And Frogs In Hot Water
You don't have to have studied economics to know that scarcity drives up value. A sip of water for someone parched in the desert is immensely more valuable than the same sip of water at the end of a meal at a white tablecloth restaurant where an attentive waiter refills your glass constantly. Is love any different? A single gesture of kindness or expression of love in a flowing stream of affection goes all but unnoticed. The value of that same gesture in a love-deprived environment, however, is immeasurable. Using Love to Control Because human beings value love, sociopaths often use love or the promise of love to control and weaken others emotionally. This happened to me and is chronicled in …
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Married To A Sociopath–The Experience In 250 Words Or Less
My corrosive marriage to and my toxic divorce from a sociopath are chronicled in my book Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned (available via Amazon.com). My after-the-fact understanding of how I got trapped for so long in this hellish relationship is woven throughout. Yet, to share the essence of the experience in far fewer words, I crafted the following poem (also in the book.) If any of it resonates with you, I hope it helps you unveil an abusive relationship for what it is and motivates you to craft a safe exit strategy for you or for someone close to you whose life may be precariously entwined with a sociopath. The Poem--Husband, Lia …
Married To A Sociopath–The Experience In 250 Words Or LessRead More
I am legally not allowed to protect my child from his sociopathic father
Editor's note: Lovefraud recevied the following story from a reader whom we'll call "Clarissa." I met the sociopath when I was a 16-year-old Crown Ward on "Independent Living." He was older than me and in the Army. I was in high school. I became pregnant at 17. Children's Aid attempted to abandon me and have me instead rely on social services. The sociopath (father) wanted me to abort the child or keep it not put it up for adoption. He would not have a child of his in the world where he could not control it. I had been considering adoption or having the child on my own and didn't want him involved. His mother, possibly also sociopathic, met me in secret urging me to make a family with her s …
I am legally not allowed to protect my child from his sociopathic fatherRead More
A Relationship With A Sociopath, Anxiety, And Depression
There are many reasons why being unwittingly involved with a sociopath often leads to anxiety and depression. Below is an edited excerpt from my book Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned (available via Amazon.com) that discusses some of the relevant dynamics. Chronic, Subtle Feelings That "Something's Off" A chronic, subtle sense of unease, anxiety, and feeling that something is “off” are classic symptoms of being in a relationship with a sociopath. These feelings became my constant companions while married to my ex-husband. A Psychology Experiment The Iowa Gambling Task is a classic study designed by neuroscientists at the University of …
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Sociopaths and a Greek Tragedy Revisited
Now that I've had my own life derailed by a sociopath, and now that I know up to 4% of the population is sociopathic, I see sociopaths often in everyday life. I also see sociopaths in literature and film. Yet, before my own life was train wrecked by a sociopath, I viewed these stories and characters as entertaining aberrations, not as anything or anyone about which I really had to worry. Weren't sociopaths rare, and wouldn't I somehow know if such a person entered my life? I'm guessing I'm not that unusual. Before it happened to you, did you know how high the odds were that your life could be profoundly scarred by a sociopath? Why Aren't We Warned? Why isn't every young adult repeatedly w …
When You “Lose Yourself” Due To A Sociopath, Recovery Is Hard–Really Hard
If I hear one more reporter or talk show host ask a victim of partner abuse, “Why did you stay?” and not really listen to the answer or not try to understand the psychology of how emotional, psychological, financial, and/or physical abuse can rewire your brain and murder your soul, I will scream. I want to scream because I don't think the interviewer is really looking for an answer. We Are Strong, They Were Weak Instead, it's as if the questioner is seeking to label the victim as “weak” and “not like us.” This creates a sense that the victim is different, and that perceived difference creates the comforting illusion that it could never happen to us or someone like us. After all: We are stro …
When You “Lose Yourself” Due To A Sociopath, Recovery Is Hard–Really HardRead More
Sociopath Math
"It feels like I have a target on me," said a woman who had repeatedly caught the eye of sociopathic men. "You do," I replied. “So do I. So do lots of us.” Believe Who They Are When They Show You The First Time Why are empathetic people especially likely to get trapped in long-term relationships with sociopaths? We stay in these relationships too long, in part, because we discount and misattribute malicious, selfish, destructive behavior. We give people the benefit of the doubt. We have to stop doing this! Or at least, we need to become far more selective about when we do it and with whom we do it. We need to take Maya Angelou's words to heart — “When someone shows you who they are believe …
Married To A Sociopath — How It All Began
My Story Since ending what turned into a toxic marriage, suffering through a divorce from hell, and enduring severe post-divorce emotional, legal, and financial aftershocks, I have educated myself about sociopaths. It is clear to me now that my ex-husband and the father of my children is a sociopath. By sharing my story and painfully gained insights in my book Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned, and on the lovefraud.com website, I hope to help others identify some of the markers that indicate someone in their life might be a sociopath as well as to recognize and offset the qualities in oneself—as in all of us—that encourage us to give t …
Tips for surviving a custody evaluation
Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following email from a mother whom we'll call "Natalya". She shares a child with a sociopath and her custody nightmare keeps getting worse. I have read in many articles and blogs that often psychologists would not recognize the psychopath and actually "allow" themselves to be manipulated. I thought it won't happen to me as my son's father is so ridiculous and I think it is so obvious to see something is wrong with him. Unfortunately my custody evaluation was a disaster. Even one of the mental tests he took shows the possibility of substance induced psychotic disorder and the psychologists herself stated he shows paranoia, delusion and cannot be …