Psychopaths tend to be sexually promiscuous. They often have numerous short term romantic relationships and indiscriminant sexual encounters throughout their lives. Further, they commonly engage carelessly and recklessly, without regard for consequences. This, unfortunately, often leaves trails of children behind in their wakes.
Psychopaths do not make good parents. They may be able to create the children, but do not have the ability to effectively parent. Frequently, they fail to properly provide for these children in most ways, as they are unusually focused on themselves, their own wants and needs, and often driven to act in anger and revenge. This is true, independent of whether or not they are involved with the other parent. (Although, it is worth mentioning that it may not seem as such in cases where they are still “wearing their masks.”)
They view their children as possessions or objects. The children are not protected by the loving bonds of parenthood, because psychopaths are not capable of genuine, unconditional love. No healthy emotional bonds exist either. Parenthood takes on a whole new meaning when a psychopathic parent is involved and it is not positive. While relationships may occur, and in some cases, may even span the course of lifetimes, they are always dysfunctional and potentially dangerous. This harm can be perpetrated in many ways. Acknowledging this as fact is important. Yet, this truth is often misunderstood by many involved.
The children of psychopaths are often as confused as the rest of the population regarding the behaviors. Some definitely achieve an awareness of the emotional disconnects and rage, even at very young ages, and have great fear, depending on what they have endured. This group may not want to interact with the parent. Others understand less, especially ones who were abandoned early in life and are less familiar with the actual traits and behaviors of the psychopathic parent. All are at risk, however, even as adults.
Some children (adult or otherwise) may recognize that things are “off,” but don’t know what to do with the information, are unable to articulate it, or choose to minimize the strange behaviors. Others may seek further approval from the parent, yearning for love and attention. Young children, who do not have other, outside life experiences to compare, may find the behaviors disturbing, but “normal,” as the psychopathic parent may be all they know.
Regardless, there is a lot occurring that is incredibly dysfunctional when a psychopathic parent is involved. They may operate very differently with various family members, but all of their behaviors are jaded by their own interests and agendas, not those of the children.
Psychopathic parents commonly play favorites with their children. They position them, as they would anyone or anything else. Their motives may be somewhat complex or very basic, but the reasons are not related to the care and well being of their offspring – ever. Also, a child’s spot in this twisted hierarchy is not guaranteed, and may whimsically change, depending on how “satisfied” the psychopathic parent is with the child at any given moment. Security, which plays a critical role in healthy child development, is non-existent.
An example may look something like this, remembering that not all will look the same; a “golden child” or children, as well as a “target child” or children. Additionally, there may be others (who may be less useful to the psychopath) who tend to be more or less forgotten about. They may feel that there is little to gain from interactions with these children. In some cases, it is possible that the psychopaths recognize their similarly afflicted children, and distance themselves. Could this be a “protective” measure, in an attempt to perpetuate “their kind?” Could it be that they are less fun to manipulate and harm or irritate? There are many theories and various schools of thought on why this is, some of with which I agree, others which I do not. In this article, I will focus on first two categories.
What does all of this mean to the children? Regardless of position, the answer is usually distress and some type of harm; physical, emotional, psychological, or otherwise. None of these positions is desirable for any child of any age.
The target child or children
A child on the receiving end of a psychopathic parent’s wrath is in a precarious place. This child or group of children may be targeted for a multitude of reasons.
In many cases, the targeted children are psychologically quite normal and require discrediting by the psychopath. They may have the psychopath figured out. Or, they may be the children of the parent that the psychopath harbors the most hatred for or resentment toward. In some cases, these children bear the brunt of the psychopath’s anger and wild, abusive, neglectful, and manipulative behaviors.
Regardless of age, this group is lied to and about. The psychopathic parent also tends to blame them and/or their normal parent for almost everything that is wrong in the psychopathic parent’s life. This may cause guilt or anger in the target child, depending on the circumstances.
In essence, the psychopathic parent sees this group as a significant liability and/or objects of sadistic pleasure. These children are also the ones who tend to become the pawns in the psychopathic parent’s games of “payback” with the non-psychopathic parent. Although, a confusing, dangerous, and potentially frustrating place for a child to be, it’s relatively simple to understand, once alerted to the behaviors.
The golden child or children
The plight of the “golden child” is much more complex. It’s a larger scale manipulation because the psychopath must remain undercover. Naturally, the position of “golden child” has to do with the psychopath, not the child, and what they feel the child has to offer them. The golden child may fall anywhere in the birth and relationship order.
The psychopaths may recognize that they need to have at least one child on their side, as many others may be estranged. Even psychopaths come realize their mortality (sort of) and may desire some type of “insurance” that they will always have at least one relation at their beck and call, for either physical or financial support as they age. It is also possible that they need a “partner in crime,” or “cover” in order to appear normal. Perhaps they need a “buddy.” The reasons vary. One thing that does not change, however, is that their “caring” and positive affect is not genuine. Conversely, it is harmful.
“Golden children” are sometimes gullible in many respects, which may be what influenced the psychopaths’ selections in the first place. The children are not at fault for this. This group typically believes that the parent cares for them. They are easy targets, as they are often ones who did not grow up in frequent, direct contact with the psychopathic parent. Or, they did and are under their manipulative influences.
In cases where psychopaths are attempting to “mend” relationships, that they claim were estranged due to the actions of an outside force, they will only try this with children they know fail to understand the affliction. If the child’s personality is forgiving and he or she does not seek greater understanding, taking most behaviors at face value and accepting excuses, the child will fall, hook, line, and sinker.
Yet somewhere, the child probably has or had an idea of the parent’s true nature. They choose to overlook what they know. They want to believe that they are important to this parent, so they cast reality aside. Additionally, it is important to remember that psychopaths “lovebomb” their children too. This feels good and makes the child feel special, especially if they are held in comparison to the targets.
If the child hears and gets what he wants from the parent, the child will invest in the “relationship.” The child’s investment will be genuine, but the psychopath’s never will be. When the children are older and have fewer interactions with this parent, the psychopath’s work is considerably easier. Superficial relations are easier to maintain.
If other disordered individuals or enablers surround the psychopathic parent and fuel their assertions, the expectation should be that the manipulations will occur at a greater rate or to a pronounced degree. Sadly, the child or children may not understand, which will eventually lead to even greater disappointment and confusion.
Significant dissonance will occur when the words and the actions of the parent really don’t match. In time, the child will hopefully come to understand what he already knew. With no ability to maintain rewarding relationships, just simply knowing what to do, say, or offer the child materially, will not mask the emotional disconnection. Even when “emotions” are displayed, the normal child should eventually piece the problems together and acknowledge the reality.
At that point, he or she may ask the same questions and search for the same answers as every other person the psychopath has drawn close. It is , indeed, an unfortunate position to be in.
Which is worse?
Neither is good. However, although the target children may wish that things were completely different, at least members of this group know where they stand. They have the ability to rectify what is and move forward in a healthy fashion.
The golden children will have to live and learn, which will, inevitably, come to take its toll. They cannot fill the empty places, because they cannot define what the voids are or why they exist. The pedestal can be a very lonely place, when the motives for their placement are sinister. With the words that mean nothing, the lies and blame regarding the decent, and the feigned affect void of meaning, the golden children truly are left chasing ghosts.
Children of psychopathy have obstacles to overcome regardless of the scenario. Again, education and awareness at all levels – mental health, legal, and within the families themselves -will be what helps to decide the outcomes of those in this position.
Look for future information on children of psychopathy. Dr. Liane Leedom, M.D. and I have two research articles, currently in press, which will continue to shed light on this very important topic. We are both excited to begin sharing our findings shortly.
G1S, I, too, studied the ACOA theory, and found out a lot about myself. I, was, I think, mostly the lost child. I don’t know if you enjoy fiction, but, as a Lit major, I enjoy reading Literature that supports a certain way of thinking. After being in therapy I went to college, and read a novel by William Falkner about a dysfunctional family that, I found correlated to the ACOA roles you cite above, although Falkner did not stress alcoholism as the problem….more like narcissism or perhaps psychopathy? Anyway, the title is, “As I Lay Dying”….if you enjoy great Literature, I couldn’t recommend it more.
Thanks, Kim, I’ll keep it in mind.
Oxy, why would a researcher of Ps (of all people) be so surprised that you wouldn’t have had children if you knew then what you knew now? How deep into research is this person? I am not getting the impression that the individual understands what happens to the victims.
I am not so sure that when we are in the dynamics of a relationship that we can grasp what is going on, our parts in it, or why we are reacting or acting as we are.
In 12-Step Al-Anon recovery for adult children, Step Two is restoring us to sanity. The problem is these people as children didn’t have sanity so it’s asking them to be restored to something they have never experienced. Perhaps like asking a blind person to decribe color?
Anyway, what I’d really like to see gone is the belief that children are resilient and they’ll get over this (their childhoods.) Of couse they will.
We go to what is familar. I used to wonder again and again what was so familar about my son’s P father. He just felt right to me. He’d fit into my family. Boy, did I get that one right – with a S mother and a P sister. Ugh!! He felt normal to me (and he was if you looked at my family of origin.)
Familar/normal does not necessarily equal healthy. I literally decided to study child development in college because I realized that my family wasn’t normal, but I had no clue what normal was. I thought if I took the courses, I’d spare my son what I went through. They helped a lot. He turned out pretty wonderful and great IMHO.
Linda,
Great article!!
I was not raised by direct alcoholics. But, my father’s mother was. Two generations and the traits continued. The traits of psychopaths and alcoholics are similar, as many alcoholics have a comorbidity. They are alcoholic and personality disordered, lacking impulse control.
One therapist told me that it was sometimes worse being raised by codependents. I don’t like the term codependents. I prefer to think of it as a generational defensive and learned behavioral responding which is passed from generation to generation.
My x-spath is an alcoholic as well as his sister. I feel for her two sons ages 8-10 or so, as she posts on Facebook details of her drinking escapades, some of which included her being drunk around them. I presume both parents were alcoholics as well, especially given they both died of cancer before the age of 50. Given that my x-spath’s parents died while he was in his early 20s and he only has one sibling, his sister, one would think that they would be close, but this is not the case. He rarely sees her, and I only remember seeing one Facebook comment, from her. He did not respond.
I strongly suspect my x-spath was a victim of childhood sexual abuse. In addition, I have some evidence he might have been involved in such himself (from some very odd dating profile questions).
Interestingly, I remember feeling “uncomfortable” when my x-spath talked about his nephews. Nothing he directly said, just the look in his eye and a gut feeling on my part. Perhaps this is why he and his sister are not close.
The x-spath’s oldest nephew looks very much like his uncle, right down to the stare. I doubt his mother has any capacity for understanding or intervention, and I fear this kid will go the path of his uncle.
Generation to generation…
BBE:
Mine is an alcoholic and I also strongly suspect that he was sexually abused as a child.
Rebecca P, I also don’t like the term “co-dependent” and prefer ENABLER as a term to describe the behaviors.
My family on my egg donor’s side went wayyyy back with alcoholic and abusive men and submissive, enabling women. The girl children married men like their daddy and the boy children became like their daddy, at least 1-2 each generation were alcoholic abusive.
My Maternal GM came from the alcoholic/abusive family and her husband, my maternal GF just came from a dysfunctional one. He drank and emotionally abused my GM until they had been married about 15 years and my egg donor was about a year old and he came home one night falling down drunk and reached out for her and she screamed. He said as drunk as he was he realized his child was afraid of him and he never drank another drop as long as he lived. He was hard working, provided as well as he could for his family, honest and paid his debts, and I never saw him be abusive verbally or any other way to anyone.
My GM however assumed the role of enabler and protected her son, my “Uncle Monster” from the consequences of his bad behavior because she was afraid if his daddy knew he was trying to smother his baby sister to death “he would get a spanking and he would run away from home.” From age 7 when my egg donor was born and hhe tried to smother her until age 14 when he had smothered her unconscious multiple times, he tormented her, but when my grandfather caught him he whaled the tar out of Uncle Monster and he STOPPED smothering his sister at least.
When GM died, egg donor took over her role of protecting Uncle Monster who is now deceased and now she protects THE PSYCHOPATH son of mine…and because I refuse to participate any longer in this family drama, she punishes me.
In the case of Uncle Monster I think he was bi-polar as well as alcoholic and psychopathic as well. I know that ADHD and left handedness are also more common in Psychopaths than in the general population.
Al-Anon does not use the term, co-dependent. First of all, it’s a clinical term.
Al-Anon goes so far as not to use “adult child of an alcoholic” or the acronym, ACOA.
The rationale is that it makes the individual a victim and defines the person by somebody else.
The healthier perspective is to see that these are how things are today and we can change ourselves whenever we choose. Therefore, Al-Anon takes things “just for today” and “one day at a time.”
Al-Anon firmly believes that we are all individuals with our own paths to live and walk.
Because we are all unique, Al-Anon invites its members “to take what you like and leave the rest.”
For me, this is fascinating; it describes my childhood to a tee. 3 children – elder brother, myself, & younger brother. Mother never made any bones about saying directly that the eldest was her favourite, I was just, well, “me”, definitely “my father’s child” & nothing could be done about that! The youngest was largely ignored & shipped off to boarding school.
The family was clearly divided into 2, I & my father, her & her boys. To this day it remains as such. I thought this was normal ”“ all parents have favourites, I was my father’s favourite & my elder brother was hers, it really was that simple.
I adore my father but had to accept that he also played a part in her drama by not standing up to her on my behalf; he ignored a lot of it for a quiet life and thereby enabled a lot of it.
Strangely enough one of her biggest threats was “wait until your father gets home—
I once had a metal music stand wrapped around my head for being a slut. One of my crowd of friends left his jacket behind after a group gathering & returned to fetch it. She caught me at the front door handing him his jacket & flew into a rage. She laughs about this incident as she relates the story as it was my fault I ducked ”“ otherwise it would have caught me lower down. But a lot of my childhood she seems to remember differently to the rest of us.
We were never hugged as children, in fact very little physical interaction ever occurred apart from discipline which these days would probably be termed abuse, but back then it was just a good old fashioned hiding, quite often with a leather belt or wooden spoon so that “she wouldn’t hurt her hand”. It has taken me a long time in adulthood to get used to friends hugging me without feeling uncomfortable and accept that physical contact is a normal part of any adult relationship.
I stopped interacting with my elder brother in my 20’s as the bullying was becoming increasingly vicious & after much soul searching cut out my mother in my mid 30’s. Although she still emails me infrequently, I never respond. She makes sure all family & friends know that she is “keeping the lines of communication open” so the fault of any breakdown lies squarely with me.
She has successfully managed to ostracize us from the rest of the family with various stories, & maintains to this day that my father & I have an incestuous relationship which has of course made visitation for my father with his grandchildren (all girls) almost impossible. ”“ After all, what mother would lie about something as horrendous as that? Like most of the posters on this site I could write a book on her antics.
I have decided to ignore it, and work on the premise that those that are important to me know the truth, & those that unquestioningly believe her aren’t worth worrying about. Yes, this is easier said than done.
I don’t remember her being an alcoholic but her favourite drink was a pint glass filled with ice & topped up with rose’, she did polish off a good few of these. Whether she could have managed without them or not I don’t know, after all, I was enough to drive anyone to drink! 🙂
She became a vicar for the Anglican Church, now retired, and lives in a flatlet above my elder brother’s garage. How’s that for Kharma!!
HeatherCT:
I read stories like yours and wonder why people even have children. I mean really. What is the purpose if you are going to treat them like they are not even human? I just don’t get it. Perhaps that is why they do it…so they will have someone to abuse.
My heart goes out to you.
Louise,
that’s one reason they do it.
Another reason is so they can torture their partner by abusing the child and making the child into a freak. What greater punishment can you impose on someone than to make them watch their children become spaths?