Choosing a life partner is the most difficult task young adults face. Furthermore, due to mistakes in choices, older adults also find themselves single and choosing again. The desire to have a life partner comes from our needs for sex and companionship; but, given how difficult it is to compete in society, the desire for a mate also may be influenced by more practical matters. In choosing a mate, sexual attractiveness, compatibility and social status all factor in to the equation. To avoid a mistake, then, it is necessary to be aware how sexual attractiveness, compatibility and social status influence our choices, and to couple this awareness with an understanding of the qualities that make a good life partner.
The problem with sexual attractiveness is that “beauty is only skin deep,” and many people, especially men, place too much of an emphasis on sexual attractiveness when choosing a mate. A choice based on sexual attractiveness has a high likelihood of being an incorrect one. Erotic passion clouds judgment and prevents us from considering compatibility and practical matters in our choices. The good news is that we do not have to allow ourselves to be seduced by beauty, and if we are, we have only ourselves to blame.
Once we get beyond sexual attractiveness, compatibility and status concerns weigh into our decisions. This is where the Dark Triad comes in. The Dark Triad of personality represents those who make their partners miserable. The Dark Triad is Psychopathy, Narcissism and Machiavellianism. To varying degrees, all three personality types entail a dark, interpersonally destructive character with tendencies toward grandiosity, emotional callousness, manipulation and dominance. Psychopaths and Machiavellians have high self- esteem, and are charming and fun but psychopaths are also impulsive and cunning. Narcissists are grandiose and have high self esteem, and may also be intellectually gifted. Research has shown that these three personality types are all a bit different and yet also highly overlap.
A common theme underlies The Dark Triad; that theme is a preoccupation with dominance and power. Personality tests of Machiavellianism come the closest to identifying non-criminal psychopaths. There are high correlations between these three personality tests in college students who take all three tests. The numbers indicate that these three concepts are different but have some common underlying theme. That theme is pleasure in power.
I want to explain why a preoccupation with dominance and power makes a person a poor mate. A gut level, emotional understanding of this subject (as opposed to an intellectual understanding) is especially important for women who very often choose mates on the basis of status concerns. Psychopaths, Machiavellians and Narcissists all commit love fraud in that these people also want mates but are incapable of love. Many people, especially women, naively believe that all people who claim to want a mate, and say “I love you,” do indeed, love. Why would an unloving person even want a mate? The answer is power.
Within every person there are two levels to social motives. The first, superficial level is a general desire to be around people. It is rare for people to be so disordered that they lack the desire to be around others. A temporary lack of desire can come with depression and other illness, but I am referring to a constitutional lack of desire. This is only seen in schizophrenia and autism spectrum disorders. It is important to know, then, that there is a whole host of disordered people who want to be around others and who do not enjoy being alone—among these are Psychopaths, Machiavellians and Narcissists.
The second, deeper, social motives are sex, affection/love and dominance/power. A romantic relationship that is based on sex and love is pleasant, fulfilling and leads to well-being. Please hear me, a romantic relationship can also be based on sex and dominance/power. These relationships undermine the well-being of the subordinate partner. Since people who are motivated a great deal by personal dominance do not really like being around other dominant people, they are less likely to get caught up in or stay in a relationship with a power-hungry dominant. It is loving people who end up trapped with a member of The Dark Triad.
People who are more loving may still want status, they just prefer not to personally compete for it. This preference also attracts them to The Dark Triad. It might seem good to have a mate who does the competing and goes after the status. There are studies showing that Machiavellians who are stockbrokers, bankers and salespersons make more money. Psychopaths and Machiavellians often do better than control subjects in competitive laboratory games.
The conditions of The Dark Triad are especially common in America. Our child rearing practices deemphasize love and communion, and train children to be competitive and independent. Rarely, we produce individuals who are great leaders, who are loving and yet effectively competitive. We would all probably want such a person as a mate, but please realize that these individuals are relatively rare. More likely, we face a choice between loving and competitive traits.
Many women are turned off by “nice guys” who are lower in status drive. Guess what, though, studies of college students show that guys who are high in Machiavellian traits are very likely to coerce sex and commit date rape. The acceptance of competitive men who do this is so ingrained in our society that many blame the woman who made the mistake of going to the guy’s apartment.
I was out biking with a male friend the other day and we discussed the subject of sexual attraction and dominance motives. My friend also said that some men are “attracted to bitches.” “Some men really like that,” he said, referring to dominant women. It appears, then, that both men and women may be attracted to those who behave dominantly, even though this may actually signal the person’s undesirability.
Why is it so hard to have it all? Why is it rare that a person is both loving/empathetic and effectively dominant/competitive? The reason is that affection and dominance motives are not compatible. We can be motivated by a combination of sex and love or a combination of sex and power, but we cannot simultaneously experience love and power motives.
Furthermore, dwelling in the power realm suppresses the development of empathy. Empathy is a skill that must be nurtured and practiced. Empathy, if not practiced, diminishes. We are designed this way because assertion of dominance often necessitates overt or covert aggression. How can we be aggressive toward someone we have empathy for? We can’t, thus the most loving people are the least aggressive and the least domineering.
If you are in a relationship and are considering a deeper commitment, or are attracted to someone and considering a relationship, please take stock of what I have said. Consider the person’s Inner Triangle, don’t go after The Dark Triad.
The Inner Triangle is our Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Seek to surround yourself with loving people who have morals and impulse control. Avoid, at all costs, connecting with a member of The Dark Triad.
What if you are a member of the Dark Triad? What if all of a sudden you wake up at 40 and realize all your life you’ve been controlling, domineering, lacking in real empathy, lacking a real connection to family and friends that is deeper than what you can get out of the relationship?
What if something wakes you up – a traumatic event, the relationships you’ve destroyed, the friends you’ve lost, and the trust of your family?
What if you read this and said… this is saying that others should avoid you..that you are somehow not worthy of other’s friendship or love?
This would be it’s own hell wouldn’t it? It would feel like all the hurt you’ve caused over your life coming back to you all at once. You’d say to yourself..”My God what have I done?” The pain would be too much to bear, too horrible to endure, wouldn’t it?
I see in myself how domineering, controlling, and somewhat insincere I have been in my life. I look back and see the hurt I have caused to others with my words, my lack of understanding that what I was doing was actually causing another pain.
Why did I do it? Fear, insecurity, it’s actually lack of self-esteem, self-loathing and a deep desire not to look at myself?
It was always the “other” that was unattractive, dirty, incompetent, stupid, selfish, greedy or unworthy. It was always, “Why do all these stupid people get to live happy lives with nice homes and I have to suffer worrying over paying my bills?”
What if all of a sudden, you realized it was YOU who was the ugly, stupid, selfish one?
What if one day you woke up and looked in the mirror and realized how much it was yourself you actually hated?
I have woken up and seen myself and don’t like what I see. Don’t like what I have done out of fear or desire for security and approval of others.
All the guilt and empathy I rarely if ever felt has come upon me all at one time. It is unbearable.
All my impulsiveness and lack of self-control have brought me to where I am today. Alone, aging, sick, thin, pallad and depressed.
I could blame my ex and say he was the sociopath and yes – he has those tendencies, but his was different, he was the people-pleaser, the everyone loves him guy, the one who may or may not have stolen from his employers, lied and did some horrific things to me at the end of our relationship.
I treated him like crap just about every day we were together because I felt he was “not good enough for me.” No matter how he tried to love me show me affection buy me things… nothing was good enough. To me he would never amount to anything…he would always have a “record” would never get a real job, would always squander his money, would make us live in poverty and fear.
I failed to see – that it was me…I was not good enough for me. I pushed away his affection which made his issues worsen. I made him feel worse about himself.
I pushed and pushed and pushed until we both just snapped. He is now living in a welfare motel and has a 21 year old “fiance” who would do anything for him. She has a menial job, and is looking for a new apartment so they can live happily ever after.
Where am I? Still living with my roommate who I used to date. My business is not doing well, I got a parttime job paying $25 an hour and I am miserable, lonely and jealous. I feel ugly, old and stupid. In short, I don’t want to live with myself anymore. I am afriad to go out because I don’t want anyone to see me.
I fear all I have left to look forward too is more suffering, wrinkles, disease, misery and eventually a painful death.
I thought I was “it.” I thought I had it all, I thought I was better than everyone else, smarter, cuter, funnier, that I would always look 25. I was the “bitch” and he was the “sweet one.” Who was acting and who was real is hard to tell anymore.
I look around and everyone is suffering and I was indifferent to their suffering. Now I “feel” for everyone. I talk to friends whose hopes and dreams of marriage with someone has ended or whose son’s girlfriend killed their baby, or whose daughter’s boyfriend is abusive, or my sister who has no money and is a single mother raising two kids…it goes on and on and on.
The reason I was the way I was…is because I didn’t want to suffer like these people. I didn’t want to feel that pain and hurt… I didn’t want to be a victim. To me to have empathy for others was to have to “feel their pain.” In my mind, I had enough of my own pain.
I am sick of all the suffering. I am tired of all the pain. How much longer can this go on?
Thank you for listening.
Strangely, within the last week, I was looking at a website about narcissism, thinking that I thought my ex was a sociopath, but now thinking his behaviour equates more to narcissism, then I realised it doesnt really matter what label he has, they all belong to the same group. I have been away from him for 3 months now, but my friends say that I am still constantly talking about him – trying to piece together what he has actually been up to, especially as when things got too close for comfort he would ‘run for th hills’. Even raised concern in my voice about his behaviour, would usually result in him stopping communication – he used to hide behind his mobile phones – and then I would find a bag of my things dumped on my doorstep the next morning – followed by a barrage of abusive text messages, intimating that he was going to bin all traces of me – hardly the behaviour of a loving partner! The strange thing, is then when we first met, I was very unsure of him and he said things to me that put me on red alert. I remember him telling me that he was ‘very dominant’ in relationships – I was quite scared about this, but he never justified what he meant. He was also into S & M, so I thought it might be something to do with that. About 6 weeks into the relationship he told me he loved me, and when he used to say this, I used to look back at him in disbelief because there was not feeling with it. The he would tell me ‘Believe me – I really really really love you’. Something inside me was not convinced. I have not see nor heard from him in the last 3 months, but he sent a message through a mutual friend, saying that he had found a younger girlfriend. Most of my friends do not understand and have not heard of a sociopath and dont undersand the insidious mental torment he put me under.
I have had other broken relationships in the past, but none of them have had this kind of emotional effect on me, and for so long afterwards. If I could only find a way of wiping him out of my thoughts. I had alot of bad dreams when I was with him too. One of the dreams I had, was that I was in a house with large windows and the devil was throwing stones at the windows trying to menace me. I still question how I got sucked in as I am an intelligent woman – although I wasnt totally fooled, because I checked up on him alot and I knew that it would only be a matter of time before I found out – although I dont truly know the full extent of what he has been up to. At first, although he was not the kind of man I had in mind, I had not been in a relationship for 19 years – bringing up my child. But then he seemed decent enough, reliable, attentive, seemed to have personal integrity, clean and tidy, giving me lots of compliments.
After the first few months, I decided to sleep with him – but he started messing me around sexually, tired, unavailable etc, which I thought was very strange. Then I thought he didnt fancy me. Then of course I was suspicious about the 11 mobile phones he had. When he then invited me to his room in a shared house, I was shocked at how squalid it was. For a man who had worked over 20 years and 60 hours a week – he had next to nothing. Also he would often run out of money quite quickly after being paid, he also gambled on slot machines and I wondered whether he had hidden expenditure. His S & M habits are not easily satisfied by main stream women – so I actually wondered whether he was paying a prostitute, especially as he would be unavailable one day a week after being paid on a Monday – and that was why he was always broke. I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster with him, and remember telling him this, together with statements, like ‘you are constantly sending me mixed messages’.
In the early stages, I was aware that some of his behaviour felt ‘WRONG’ but I kept some of my thoughts to myself and just observed him. If I mentioned any of it to him, he always seemed to have a reasonable excuse. So I went from feeling extremely concerned to then feeling ok, from thinking the worst to thinking that maybe I was over reacting. I realised that he was extremely devious and had used words in our relationship that I would never think of using. He even criticised a friend of his who was having an affair,saying he couldnt abide infidelity – to give me the impression he was honourable. What deceit. In the end, when I was onto his deceit and invited him to talk things over – he declined and I gave him an ultimatum – either you tell me about all these loose ends or you collect your stuff from my house! He ecided to collect his stuff, and without waiting for me to come home, I came back to my house to find my front door open and he was bundling his stuff in the bag as fast as he could to get away. He said not a word to me and left. A month later I remembered I had a mobile phone he asked to borrow back in May – I thought this a strange request, because the phone was a cheap phone – nothing like his expensive ones. I checked it and he had left intimate messages on it which he had sent out to a woman at work. I rang her – she denied it. I kept thinking why would a man who is very familiar with his phones not check to erase the messages or the womens phone numbers I had found on his other phone – probably because that was his cowardly and sardonic way of telling me. I then wrote him an angry letter telling him what a deceitful coward he was, enclosing the mobile phone smashed into pieces. I felt so angry and betrayed, I wanted to smash him to pieces. He then sent his sister round to warn me off and she said that if I contacted him anymore I could be accused of harrassment – bearing in mind I had only ever written to him twice over that time. I realised he knew the rules of his game very well – then the awful realisation hit me, that I had been part of a hurtful game and I had been manipulated and treated badly and that he had carefully prepared all his exit routes. When I realised that, I had to get rid of him – it almost felt like a life or death struggle. I already looked ill and depleted, friends were telling me I looked so exhausted. I had so many bad dreams and signs that he was an emotional vampire. I felt that if I stayed with him, he would drain the life out of me – IT WAS EITHER HIM OR ME – AND IT HAD TO BE ME!
He would say that some women were predatory. He said that all women are manipulative. I have never heard these terms used before. I now realise that these were his own projections of himself.
I so agree with your comments. After suffering years of emotional abuse by my husband, I met a man who I thought was truly my knight and he became my knightmare. He was wrapped in such a nice package and he noticed me. He said he had been married 3 times, but in my needy state of mind and brokenness, my first thought was what woman in her right mind would let a man like this go and if he had that many women, he must know how to treat a woman. I was so incredibly naive and so very vulnerable. He saw all that and used it all against me. He knew what he was doing and I didn’t.
Once this man gained my trust and knew that I found him sexually attractive, he almost made mince meat out of my emotions. I figured because I only had such negative experience with men and he’s had so much experience with women, it had to be me. I again, was jumping through hoops to try and please this gorgeous looking man. I went through my own metamorphosis to try and make myself so much better for him, physically. I changed my hairstyle, added makeup, lost weight. I was looking real good. Others told me, but I didn’t care what others thought. I wanted this man to want me, because my husband hadn’t and even though I changed, my husband still didn’t but this new man, saw me and he seemed to like what he saw.
But all he saw was an easy target. He had so many ulterior motives and I didn’t see what he was about, because I was in the depths of despair and truly thought he was my answer. Through the course of his attention, he played so many mind games, that he had to lay awake at nights to figure out new ways to get to me.
I went through a 7 month period where he wouldn’t come around to see me, but he would drive past my office 3-4 times a day to see if I was there but wouldn’t stop. If I saw him out, I would ask, why. He would always say he’s been so busy. I just wanted to have this friendship with him that he said we had. I didn’t know he was playing this horrible hard to get game. He was wearing me down, to the point where I’d be so desperate to see him, I’d do almost anything to keep him around. That’s what he did and I had no idea until many years later, when my pain had subsided, and I was finally able to see through eyes wide open. He got over $12,000 out of me, plus interest on my credit cards. I maxed out cards for him, to pay his bills. Basically what I paid for was a stupid friendship.
I ended up having to file bankruptcy, but I turned the tables on him and got half of my money back. I knew by then that he was playing games, so I played some of my own and messed with his head. I knew he wanted sex, but he knew I wouldn’t have sex outside of marriage. I had talked with his third wife and she told me that he doesn’t want a friendship unless he gets sex. That’s a sick kind of man, but I was too blinded and inexperienced to know what to look for, so I fell hard for him, only because of the state of my neediness. So I kind of led him on and told him that I was divorcing my husband, which is my plan, and I needed my money to get my start in life. I don’t where he got the money,but suddenly I had the half. The other half had been put on my mortgage and that didn’t go into the bankruptcy. But I did get that much from him.
I’ve since learned that he basically is the kind of man who lets the woman pay. He’s so full of himself, that when I complained of how little time he devotes to me as a friend and that he doesn’t reciprocate, he went so far as to say that I should be glad he even stops. I said he should be glad I let him.
I have learned the hard way that all that glitters really isn’t gold. I’ve learned that this man, who I thought really had it together, is very paranoid, insecure, a cheater, lies, was told by several that he’s very lazy, etc. I hate so badly to label someone, but that’s his character, according to his behavior. That’s other’s opinions, too, based on his behavior. He, too, almost did me in, but with God’s help, he didn’t break me. He is a major control freak. Everything has to be according to his schedule and time table. He has no respect for a woman’s time, unless he can use her. She usually doesn’t know what hit her. I talked with his third wife, after the fact, and she said he’ll nail you to the wall with words. She said, too, that she was on the verge of a nervous break down after she got away from him. I urge anyone to look behind the scenes before they get involved with anyone. Check out the courthouse for records.
I did afterwards and wasn’t impressed with what I found. I checked out his divorces and found all three divorced him for the same reason. Indignities. Mental cruelty. And he is a very cruel man. He uses a woman until he drains her so dry, that she cracks. But in the meantime he’s cheating on her and using up her resources. He does it all in such a way, that a lot is difficult to prove. That is the most frustrating part. I’ve said that he has such a way with words, that he could talk the pants off a nun. What an experience. It took so long to get back what he took and I don’t just mean the money. They have a way of causing one to doubt their own sanity.
I could see something with my own eyes, and he’d deny it. What a mess he caused and I’m sure he’s causing it for someone else too. I could write a book on the happenings of what should have been a simple, platonic friendship. He is sexually driven and has way too many secrets to have a normal relationship. I’ve learned that no matter what the outside looks like, it’s the inside that says it all. And if they start out mentioning sex and money in almost the same breath, run. If you get stood up once, run. He’ll just keep on doing it. I had no idea that people could call themselves human and do such inhumane things to a woman. Overt and covert abuse. I’ve experienced it all.
When I tried to get my money back, we fought. A lot. I would threaten him and he would get almost violent. He threw me against my refrigerator then wanted to hug me and me hug him back. Is that sick or what? I could go on and on, but I have learned a valuable lesson. These men are out there preying on women like myself. They use our weaknesses to extract money. They tell us what we want to hear. If I could only go back. I can’t but I have sure learned. If I hadn’t lived it I wouldn’t have believed it, so I know why people are skeptical. I have promised myself that I will never be that needy again. Sex without real love is nothing more than a bodily function. Before one gets involved, it’s perfectly alright to go behind the scenes and see firsthand how this person conducts his personal life. What he says isn’t necessarily what he means and just maybe isn’t who he is.
To holehearted. My ex told me early on, that he had ‘demons in a box’. I probed him alot about this and he said it was to do with the abusive childhood he had to stomach. I thought he had a firm grip on his past. Then I realised that his demons were leaking out all over the place. In my mind, the only way forward is to look those demons in the face, like the rest of us, feel the pain and bear the responsibility instead of using other people as surrogates, otherwise the hell just gets perpetuated. I was trying to get my ex to confront his demons to stop running away – he was well aware that his past has ruined his life – he is 41 and very lonely and craves love, all his relationships have never lasted long – when women see what he is like, they make excuses and leave. He had that love and companionship from me – I vowed to stand by him – but then his demons got the better of him and he reverted to his old habits. I felt I was sacrificing myself for him and that is not right, I was relating to his demons, but he sidetracked me, because not only was it about his childhood, but it was also about his coping behavior after that, but he kept that secret. I think he had long periods where he was not in a relationship because he knows what damage he causes, but then his loneliness gets the better of him. Because I had a dysfunctional childhood, I thought, I better than anybody could understand and support him, but the one thing he couldnt do, was admit his vulnerability and his pain to me.
Apt/mgr. I called my ex my Knight in rusty armour – its strange reading other people’s accounts how we all seem to use similar descriptions. The other thing I kept saying to him at the time when i first met him, was that he reminded me of Spike in Buffy the Vampire Slayer – the vampire who lives in the dark but tries to hang out with the good guys. When I first met him, I thought perhaps he was on his own because he had high ideals in a woman, hadnt met the right one, childhood holding him back. I am a kind person who always wants to give the ‘underdog’ a chance. I think I knew early on I was playing with fire. I too could write a book about all the bizarre things that happened. I invited him for a drink, he declined and then he let me know he was sitting in the pub opposite but he wouldnt come over to me – and I was dammed if I was going to go over to him. I sat in my pub and watched him cycle past where I was – and he knew I was there – I knew from that he was playing mind games. What loving boyfriend wouldnt want to visit their love. I was about to inherit some money and he bought me flowers, gave me gifts and money and I think he had finally (if temporarily) decided that I was the one- but I dropped him from a great height, dumped him – so I guess in some ways I got my own back. Maybe I wasnt so daft after all. What I have done though is to turn this experience to my advantage to learn how I perform in relationships, how healthy relationships work, how my childhood has affected my life and at 54 this is something I never thought I would experience. I understand your shock at being betrayed and abused – but I was a person with very soft boundaries – I would overlook people’s faults, give them the benefit of the doubt. In my best interests I have had to toughen up my act. He was written me off in favour of another and probably hasnt learned anything – but I have learnt a huge amount as a result of this, and probably if we are going to be the winners – this is what we have to do.
Beverly,
It’s comforting to know we haven’t really been duped. It has nothing to with being a dumb blond. I, too, am just a kind person who wants to believe in people and give them the benefit of the doubt. The one of whom I speak has run out of benefits. It feels so good to say take a hike. I am 57 and sure don’t have to take anything from anyone anymore. He is going to be 60 and he’s very sensitive about his age, so I like to remind him. I kind of dumped him by sending him a text message and told him that I don’t like the person he’s become. I told him he’s a mean,nasty, grumpy old man. He’s started hanging out with 2 gay senior citizens. I’m not sure what that means. But he gets very defensive when I mention their friendship must mean more to him than I do, because he won’t even initiate a lunch with me and seems to spend time with them, and he hasn’t had that relationship for long. But then again he’s always kept secrets.
I finally got back bone and when I found out something that he lied to me about, I took great pleasure in bringing into conversation what I know, just to get his reaction. I used to be intimidated by him, but I can match him word for word. He can’t talk me down anymore. I finally realized I had nothing to lose. From what I’ve found out, he’s lost the only one who ever liked him. So he can live his phony life and live with himself, because no one else wants to. I actually feel sorry for people like him. It must be a miserable existence to have to deceive people to relate to them. I sometimes thought they think we think like they do, so they are going to get to us before we can do them. It’s just some big stupid game, and someone eventually gets hurt.
He might have gotten money from me, but he didn’t achieve his ultimate goal, which I feel was to finally marry me, to control me and get more money. No way. I’ve told him I’m on to him and he has to get up mighty early to do what he used to do. I don’t need him. And I have won. I have come away intact. I never got a college education, but I gained more knowledge from dealing with him. It gave me the strength I needed to survive. I’m to the point now where if anyone wants something they have to ask, and I have the prerogative of saying, NO. The control is in my hands. Oh,if I could have just known all this 30 years ago. My youngest daughter wouldn’t have had to go through what she did.
I always thought when you had a man and woman, you had the main ingredients for family. I was the one who should have been the insecure one. My mother died when I was seven. My dad had his own agenda and sent another sister and I to live with our older sister the day my mom was buried. So I kind of lost both parents the same day. I come from a very dysfunctional family, but for some reason I knew how I wanted to do life to avoid all that. I did, but my husband didn’t. He’s the one who changed so drastically almost immediately after we married and it just kept getting worse. But as I’ve said, I didn’t have to die to prove anything. I’m much older and wiser and know what to look for now. I’m so glad for this site and a few others that keep us informed. It’s good to be in the know. I don’t say what I say to pass judgment. I think their actions judge them and we discern what kinds of people we are dealing with and if we are on the same page. I guess I’ll miss the person my husband and the friend, were to begin with. Too bad that wasn’t real.
apt/manager
From your words, I connect with what you say. My ex kept telling me that gay men were attracted to him. This freaked me out, because I suspected he was concealing his sexual identity. In the end you just dont know what is hype, manipulation or what is real. He was mentioning things to me,, I think he was testing me out, he was cooking up ideas of things he wanted to do to test my reaction. That day in the market when I am convinced he asked to go there, so he could meet a woman, perhaps to show her who I was. It was an unreal situation and there were many other bizarre events, some of which are unmentionable. He was very agitated when he found out I spoke to his ex girlfriend. I asked her what he was like with her and she told me that he was very controlling and possessive. With me he was the opposite, in terms of being distant and when I tested him by saying that men were showing an interest in me, he didnt seem that bothered. I realised that from his x to me, he had modified his approach. I tested him out many times and as much as he was being devious, he didnt know the half of what I did to check on him. I was almost on the point of hiring a detective. Luckily he never got any money out of me, but he was constantly borrowing money from other people and selling possessions he had just bought. I agree it is sad, that he may never live a normal life and yes, they almost perpetuate the very thing they fear and yes that shows deep fear of abandonment and rejection and at the start I was detrmined to be the one who wouldnt do that. But for my own sanity, I had to look out for myself. You have got to have lived through the experience to understand what it is truly like and how bizzare some of it is. My ex was not at all wealthy or high status, the opposite. Many times I questioned what I actually found attractive about him. He had a gruff irritable temperament, would comment out loud to people/strangers he found irritating. He had a particular dislike of children. His manner was very black and white, rigid and he always seemed tense. It had been a long time since I had a boyfriend, and I think that by choosing a low status mate I somehow thought that he knew what was good for him, he would submit/committ to me – guaranteed. My life is technicolour, his is grey – at the start he liked my technicolour world. But he never ever shared his inner self with me. He kept his thoughts strictly private. On asking him what he dreams about when asleep – he told me he didnt dream. He didnt permit me access to his inner world, but he used that as a carrot, that I might be the one who had the key to unlock him. Why I got so bound up in all his drama I will never know. But from studying a little Buddhist info, I have really come to know what the dangers of attachment are to people. I felt a double whammy of pain, because whilst this went on, it regurgitated childhood pain around my father who was a controlling, cold, superior man – and although at the start of the relationship I was alert for signs of not getting with someone like my dad, the weird thing is that they are both very similar.
I’m amused you mention dreams. My boyfriend really was brilliant at analysing dreams(genuinely) using Freud. It was another way to control!
I wish I could speak to a sociopath and get an honest response (is it possible, ever?) to know exactly what they feel like and where their happiness comes from. They can’t know sadness like we do, but they do panic like mad sometimes don’t they and do more and more bizarre things? If they like the melodrama do they ever actually suffer? They want so much, yet they all seem (however talented they are) to end up with very little, seems to be out of choice as well. How is this?!
EnnLondon
A very good question. What we call feelings/emotions have several components. The first is a physical sensation, that is where we get the”lump in the throat” “love in our hearts” etc. Sociopaths have reduced physical sensations to arousing situations. The second component is our interpretations of the physical sensations, that is also called attribution. Socioapths often have faulty attribution, that is why they have so many physical complaints. When they do feel sensations we would call emotions, they misinterpret these as sickness. The next component of emotion is the social context and socioapths are after power only.
The emotions of sociopaths are very undifferentiated. They really only feel anger, pleasure and psin. When they are with someone they enjoy dominating they label the pleasure, love. In the moment the pleasure is real and called love. But because this is not genuine affection it is not accompanied by a real bond.
Sociopaths do suffer greatlly and the life expectancy of socioapths is 15 years shorter.