Choosing a life partner is the most difficult task young adults face. Furthermore, due to mistakes in choices, older adults also find themselves single and choosing again. The desire to have a life partner comes from our needs for sex and companionship; but, given how difficult it is to compete in society, the desire for a mate also may be influenced by more practical matters. In choosing a mate, sexual attractiveness, compatibility and social status all factor in to the equation. To avoid a mistake, then, it is necessary to be aware how sexual attractiveness, compatibility and social status influence our choices, and to couple this awareness with an understanding of the qualities that make a good life partner.
The problem with sexual attractiveness is that “beauty is only skin deep,” and many people, especially men, place too much of an emphasis on sexual attractiveness when choosing a mate. A choice based on sexual attractiveness has a high likelihood of being an incorrect one. Erotic passion clouds judgment and prevents us from considering compatibility and practical matters in our choices. The good news is that we do not have to allow ourselves to be seduced by beauty, and if we are, we have only ourselves to blame.
Once we get beyond sexual attractiveness, compatibility and status concerns weigh into our decisions. This is where the Dark Triad comes in. The Dark Triad of personality represents those who make their partners miserable. The Dark Triad is Psychopathy, Narcissism and Machiavellianism. To varying degrees, all three personality types entail a dark, interpersonally destructive character with tendencies toward grandiosity, emotional callousness, manipulation and dominance. Psychopaths and Machiavellians have high self- esteem, and are charming and fun but psychopaths are also impulsive and cunning. Narcissists are grandiose and have high self esteem, and may also be intellectually gifted. Research has shown that these three personality types are all a bit different and yet also highly overlap.
A common theme underlies The Dark Triad; that theme is a preoccupation with dominance and power. Personality tests of Machiavellianism come the closest to identifying non-criminal psychopaths. There are high correlations between these three personality tests in college students who take all three tests. The numbers indicate that these three concepts are different but have some common underlying theme. That theme is pleasure in power.
I want to explain why a preoccupation with dominance and power makes a person a poor mate. A gut level, emotional understanding of this subject (as opposed to an intellectual understanding) is especially important for women who very often choose mates on the basis of status concerns. Psychopaths, Machiavellians and Narcissists all commit love fraud in that these people also want mates but are incapable of love. Many people, especially women, naively believe that all people who claim to want a mate, and say “I love you,” do indeed, love. Why would an unloving person even want a mate? The answer is power.
Within every person there are two levels to social motives. The first, superficial level is a general desire to be around people. It is rare for people to be so disordered that they lack the desire to be around others. A temporary lack of desire can come with depression and other illness, but I am referring to a constitutional lack of desire. This is only seen in schizophrenia and autism spectrum disorders. It is important to know, then, that there is a whole host of disordered people who want to be around others and who do not enjoy being alone—among these are Psychopaths, Machiavellians and Narcissists.
The second, deeper, social motives are sex, affection/love and dominance/power. A romantic relationship that is based on sex and love is pleasant, fulfilling and leads to well-being. Please hear me, a romantic relationship can also be based on sex and dominance/power. These relationships undermine the well-being of the subordinate partner. Since people who are motivated a great deal by personal dominance do not really like being around other dominant people, they are less likely to get caught up in or stay in a relationship with a power-hungry dominant. It is loving people who end up trapped with a member of The Dark Triad.
People who are more loving may still want status, they just prefer not to personally compete for it. This preference also attracts them to The Dark Triad. It might seem good to have a mate who does the competing and goes after the status. There are studies showing that Machiavellians who are stockbrokers, bankers and salespersons make more money. Psychopaths and Machiavellians often do better than control subjects in competitive laboratory games.
The conditions of The Dark Triad are especially common in America. Our child rearing practices deemphasize love and communion, and train children to be competitive and independent. Rarely, we produce individuals who are great leaders, who are loving and yet effectively competitive. We would all probably want such a person as a mate, but please realize that these individuals are relatively rare. More likely, we face a choice between loving and competitive traits.
Many women are turned off by “nice guys” who are lower in status drive. Guess what, though, studies of college students show that guys who are high in Machiavellian traits are very likely to coerce sex and commit date rape. The acceptance of competitive men who do this is so ingrained in our society that many blame the woman who made the mistake of going to the guy’s apartment.
I was out biking with a male friend the other day and we discussed the subject of sexual attraction and dominance motives. My friend also said that some men are “attracted to bitches.” “Some men really like that,” he said, referring to dominant women. It appears, then, that both men and women may be attracted to those who behave dominantly, even though this may actually signal the person’s undesirability.
Why is it so hard to have it all? Why is it rare that a person is both loving/empathetic and effectively dominant/competitive? The reason is that affection and dominance motives are not compatible. We can be motivated by a combination of sex and love or a combination of sex and power, but we cannot simultaneously experience love and power motives.
Furthermore, dwelling in the power realm suppresses the development of empathy. Empathy is a skill that must be nurtured and practiced. Empathy, if not practiced, diminishes. We are designed this way because assertion of dominance often necessitates overt or covert aggression. How can we be aggressive toward someone we have empathy for? We can’t, thus the most loving people are the least aggressive and the least domineering.
If you are in a relationship and are considering a deeper commitment, or are attracted to someone and considering a relationship, please take stock of what I have said. Consider the person’s Inner Triangle, don’t go after The Dark Triad.
The Inner Triangle is our Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Seek to surround yourself with loving people who have morals and impulse control. Avoid, at all costs, connecting with a member of The Dark Triad.
Beverly,
You must have been going with the man who insisted we were friends. He, too, wouldn’t talk about his inner self. I thought that so weird, because in my work, I’m around men a lot and they want to talk. If I asked him too what he dreams, he said he doesn’t or just doesn’t pay attention. He would give rather arrogant remarks or just plain haughty comments. I would have to say the only period of time I saw what might have been a sense of closeness, was when he was manipulating me to get money, hoping for sex. But to exhibit real emotions, I kept getting the feeling that he was pretending.
He went through a time where he was always having kidney stones and wanted my reaction. He even went so far as to call me from the hospital and left me a message to the effect, I don’t know if you’re interested or not, but I’m in the hospital. I called him and asked his problem. He was rather vague, and said, you know. The usual. I said and what would that be. Of course, kidney stones. But then my husband imagined he had bone cancer and was off work for several months. I feel in my experiences with men, that they have wanted a mother figure. I’m a rather motherly person, but only to children and my children. Certainly not to a man I might consider for a partner.
As for his sexual preference, I have to really question that, too. There was a time, many years ago, that I slipped but I didn’t fall. I really wanted to consummate our relationship simply because I wanted so badly to feel like a woman and just wanted that intimacy. Well it turns out his idea of sex was rather bizarre. It had nothing to do with what I would consider normal relations. He wanted to masturbate on my body. That’s when I realized that I was nothing more than an object to him and he just wanted to use a body for his pleasure. I was so thankful at that point that nothing more happened and asked God’s forgiveness for wanting something that was wrong in His sight.
That in itself opened my eyes even more to his bizarre behavior and caused me to start watching him even more closely. I think, and I’m sure sex experts would disagree, but what a man thinks of when he is having sex, kind of determines his preference and just how he wants sex. This man showed me a side to him, that kind of made me uncomfortable. Then when he just suddenly becomes friends with two old gay guys, I really questioned him. He said if he was friends with six coal miners, would that make him a coal miner? He just didn’t get it. As I said, I’m not judging him for him, but for me. I don’t want to align myself with someone who can’t be trusted, does really weird things, keeps secrets, and resents any question. He takes exception to most anything you ask.
I thought when I met him, that he had to have it together. That he would be so much fun to do life with. Thank God, He spared me that. I guess I needed to go through all this to be able to take care of myself. I really had no idea that men could and would do the things they do. At first this man who was also my insurance agent, would make appointments and not show up, or be late. Anything for a show. I realize now. I got onto his games and if he was late, I’d leave. Then he’d wonder where I was. He didn’t like it when I did it to him.
The thing too, I’ve noticed is they think they are an original, but they just do what so many do and they aren’t in the least unique. I told him one time to try the truth. It’s much more fun than playing his baby games.
But I’ve thought, too, if deep inside, he might represent an image of my father. This man is tall and so was my dad. This man sells insurance and so did my dad at one time. But I don’t really look at this man as a father figure. I don’t know. I just know I’ve been saved from an awful fate. I’m so thankful my eyes have been fully opened before I made a move in his direction. I’m so glad I’ve been able to observe him from a distance and see what he does that I think isn’t of the norm.
He too, got livid when I told him I talked with his exes. He didn’t want me to find out just what kind of man he really is. But truth always prevails. They can’t wear that facade forever. It slips and the real emerges and it’s not a pretty picture. He takes very good care of the outside, but the inside is very messed up. He is very nice to men, but it seems he’s only nice to women when he can dominate them and use them. Once he’s had his fill and he’s bored, he treats them with contempt. Sad commentary for a life lived.
Only someone who has been around this type of person knows what an empty way of life it is. You have to weigh each word, because they take exception to most anything, although they can say what they want. When I was trying to get my money back, and resorted to threatening, he came storming into my office and said he ought to kill me, gut me and stuff it down my throat. I said go ahead. I’d just vomit all over him. But it was that kind of talk, that made me wonder where it came from and just what else might be there. Al least we can all feel each other’s pain. It’s just sad to go through all those years and have them lived in vain, as far as connecting to a mate. Turns me off.
Question, If a sociopath, narcissist, etc., read a description of their behavior as viewed through their partners, parents, etc., could they see themselves as we do or would they just distort that, too? I know when I’ve tried to point out a behavior, he would turn it around and said I imagined it. Can they really not see themselves for the horrible actions they perform, or are they so full of themselves, that to them, we are just singling them out to pick them apart?
The only emotion I ever saw my ex show – was irritation and anger. He had a rigid personality, he treated everything and everyone in a black and white way, and was a master of using his ‘brick wall’ to distance or block. He said to me once ‘I aint kow towing to no-one,, especially you!’ I misread this at the start, thinking that he was assertive, together, principled, not realising this is his defence. I was often on tender hooks, being careful what I said and I constantly had a lump in my throat. I felt at times, he was like a snake that I didnt want to antagonise. When I did speak up for myself, he would say to me ‘if you keep your mouth shut everything will be fine’. I am not to person to keep my mouth shut for long, and as soon as I raised concerns about his hint dropping, bizarre behaviour he would punish me by restricting communication. I know what normal loving behaviour should be and he couldnt maintain the pretense for very long. At first I thought he was committment phobic, but it wasnt until the end that I realised the real extent of what he had been doing and who he truly was – this I found truly shocking
I was fooled at the beginning – he doesnt hit women – he must be safe, not realising that he planned to chip away at my mental health to weaken me. How I stopped my life falling apart I will never know. I still went to work, but he wanted me to give up work, but I knew he was too unstable to put my security in his hands. We had so many break ups, it was like he was pressing the reset button each time, creating turbulent undercurrents that I knew were wrong but couldnt put my finger on. Each time, after a short while, when I thought it was all over, he would contact me out of the blue, not discussing what had passed, but seeming pleased to have got me back. Then he would ask me if he could punish me through his S & M behaviours. I would say absolutely not, that I had done nothing to be punished for.
My question is:- when they have moved onto the next person, as he has, is it likely he might try to come back and carry out some kind of revenge. He has gone to ground at the moment and is keeping a low profile, which is making me feel nervous.
EnnLondone,
If you want to talk to a sociopath and ask him a question – go to http://www.sociopathic.net/
At the top he has ASK as an option and you can ask him anything you want. I have had some email correspondence with him. He’s very intelligent…knows his disorder very well, and has a journal on there. His handle is Petronix.
If you want proof he’s a sociopath… read this section of his journal… where he is on a bus and gets all the people talking to one another… you feel a sense of kindness… then read his reactions to it afterwards. Clearly this is someone who hates the human race and has not yet realized he is part of the human race and thus – hates himself.
http://www.sociopathic.net/enter.htm
His blogs will sicken and delight you at the same time.
T
What I have realised from my last comment is that, it is the perpetuation of the fear that keeps me hooked in the energy – ultimate control of another. When I was thinking of a mate, I had an idea of the kinds of qualities I would like – and that is exactly what I got – but with a twist. I am not a bible basher but I have faith, what I have realised is that I am limited and I have learnt alot through this. You truly get what you fear – in attracting someone with particular qualities, you think you have got yourself covered but in essence you are broadcasting the fear of the opposite of what you say you want in a person. The only thing I can do now, is to realise that I am limited and offer myself, to a good higher power in my life’s choices. People dont realise that this is deep stuff, it is soul work. If I am going to reconstruct myself – I am aiming to put myself back together better – but with higher power to guide me.
I have read the blog from sociopath.net and whilst read where Petronix is coming from – ultimately he has a personality disorder and will play that out. My mother had schizophrenia and was well aware of it, but knowing it did not stop her acting out the symptoms. We hear the pain and that is why some of us have tried to rescue those in pain. Broadly speaking, our mannerisms and thinking patterns are different to those of a sociopath, we dont operate by stealth and manipulation. But some of us know what healthy love is – it is fulfilling, is sustaining and nourishing. Sick love is the opposite, it takes away, it depletes and erodes. In duality, there are always two sides – What is real- we have a choice in the side of the duality we choose
I am a complex thinker – I think I am probably the only girlfriend who has actually sussed him out. I was onto his charade fairly early on. He may think that he has the better of me – but as I told him, he is no better than the sum total of his life behaviour – the proof is all there. There is no triumph in sick love, temporary satisfaction maybe, but it doesnt last. This is dark stuff – not good stuff – they can never win their game.
Beverly,
Yes he does play that out… but some of his blogs are honest and real and show glimpses of truth. Yes they are in pain, everyone is in pain. This is the universal truth. Everyone suffers and is looking for a way out.
Healthy love is unknown to me… thought I see it in other people’s lives and sometimes actually “feel” it. I am very used to “sick love” it is what I know…. it is as painful as anything you can imagine.
We are in this world of duality – pleasure/pain, love/hate, good/bad, high/low…. You say we can choose which side of the duality we are on… not true… one side will always pendulum swing you back to the other side.
Think of a bi-polar person… Excited, Happy, all the way to one extreme and then BLAM…down to the other extreme..depressed low as low. The higher the bi-polar gets… the lower their lows will be. Because the momentum of the pendulum swing propells you back to the other side…..
So the key is to make the swing less and less wide until it is somewhere down in the middle with little swings left right instead of HUGE swings.
That is I think what Buddha meant about the middle path.
“If the string is too loose it won’t play and if is is too tight it will SNAP.”
If we are too loose or too depressed or too low or too whatever… we can’t “play” can’t feel joy, can’t feel love, can’t have “fun”. However if we are too tight… too “high strung”, too far the other way… we will SNAP.
Wow… that really helped me…
I feel a little better today.
It’s snowing and I don’t have to do anything but stay in and drink hot cocoa. I love that feeling.
As I continue to read the blogs, I feel like I am seeing myself in one way or other. I have always been a deep thinker. I think being left without a mother and father at an early age, caused me to think outside the box. I feel that I know how to love and to love without smothering, but I know so few men who do the same. I think so many of them are blinded by the lust that burns in their bodies and don’t know how to process the emotions that come out of that lust. So many of them acquaint affection with sex, so a normal woman, who just wants to hug and kiss her man, to show some semblance of the love inside, is bound to be subject to his lust at that very moment. They just don’t get it and don’t want to.
To the ones that had been in my life, I was just the object of their lust, but as for the rest of me, that didn’t count. I, too, walked around with a knot in my stomach waiting for the verbal eruptions. I’m not an angry person, and can’t relate to someone who screams for no known reason. Then after he was heard, would go off whistling and the rest of us wondered what just happened. I always loved the day to day routine of living. I never minded cooking and cleaning and all the rest, but my husband hated everything, except what he or others wanted. I felt for a very long time that I must be the most unlovable person ever, because he seemed to begrudge me everything, but willingly do for others. It took me finally getting out in the world to work, to find out just how messed up my marriage was.
That’s when I met this man who wanted us to be friends. Boy. Talk about a roller coaster ride. This, all before I knew what to look for in the way of red flags. I thought a man was just a man. This man has had so many relationships, but I figured he was the cause of the breakups, because he wouldn’t just trash them. He still knew what he did. He didn’t take the blame, but he didn’t blame either. He is just so warped in his thinking. He has very little to show for his 60 years of living. I know men and women think differently, but there shouldn’t be such a vast difference in the basic emotions.
Common courtesy and consideration shouldn’t be dictated by gender. I shudder when I think I thought for a long time this man was my destiny. The pretend him, was fun and seemed full of life or something. I’ve found the real him now, and I told him he’s a mean man. A very surly attitude. But he says it’s because of me being negative. I told him it’s because all he hands me is negative. He just can’t see it. I’m tired of the frustration of trying to get him to see that I’m every bit as human as he is.
He has a very weird thought process. He will say things that seem so out of character with someone of his bearing. He comes from a father who is a very well known architect in the area. I figured that in itself should count for something. This friend was in Vietnam, and I think that might have done something to, to his mind. We were having lunch last year and out of the blue, he said he has a trunk full of Vietcong ears of the men that were killed. He said, too, that he has a trunk full of AK-47’s. I’m like, what? He said, well the rats probably ate the ears. I’m still like, what? Where did that come from? I read that some Vets would cut off the ears, but they weren’t allowed to do anything with them and if they continued they could face a court martial. I could never follow his line of thinking. There have been many more statements, but I kind of let it go in my ear and out. I naively thought with the outside looking so good, the inside should be in line. Again, that’s before I knew about the signs. We really can’t judge a book by the cover. All those old cliches still work. All that glitters really isn’t gold.
I, too, think the only real emotion I ever saw, was the anger. When they are angry, the real feeling of what’s inside comes out. I’ve actually tried to anger my friend just to know what he was harboring towards me, so I could prepare myself. He’s just too “out there” for me. Now I’m so skeptical, that I look for those red flags with all men. I listen, because I sure have learned.