Choosing a life partner is the most difficult task young adults face. Furthermore, due to mistakes in choices, older adults also find themselves single and choosing again. The desire to have a life partner comes from our needs for sex and companionship; but, given how difficult it is to compete in society, the desire for a mate also may be influenced by more practical matters. In choosing a mate, sexual attractiveness, compatibility and social status all factor in to the equation. To avoid a mistake, then, it is necessary to be aware how sexual attractiveness, compatibility and social status influence our choices, and to couple this awareness with an understanding of the qualities that make a good life partner.
The problem with sexual attractiveness is that “beauty is only skin deep,” and many people, especially men, place too much of an emphasis on sexual attractiveness when choosing a mate. A choice based on sexual attractiveness has a high likelihood of being an incorrect one. Erotic passion clouds judgment and prevents us from considering compatibility and practical matters in our choices. The good news is that we do not have to allow ourselves to be seduced by beauty, and if we are, we have only ourselves to blame.
Once we get beyond sexual attractiveness, compatibility and status concerns weigh into our decisions. This is where the Dark Triad comes in. The Dark Triad of personality represents those who make their partners miserable. The Dark Triad is Psychopathy, Narcissism and Machiavellianism. To varying degrees, all three personality types entail a dark, interpersonally destructive character with tendencies toward grandiosity, emotional callousness, manipulation and dominance. Psychopaths and Machiavellians have high self- esteem, and are charming and fun but psychopaths are also impulsive and cunning. Narcissists are grandiose and have high self esteem, and may also be intellectually gifted. Research has shown that these three personality types are all a bit different and yet also highly overlap.
A common theme underlies The Dark Triad; that theme is a preoccupation with dominance and power. Personality tests of Machiavellianism come the closest to identifying non-criminal psychopaths. There are high correlations between these three personality tests in college students who take all three tests. The numbers indicate that these three concepts are different but have some common underlying theme. That theme is pleasure in power.
I want to explain why a preoccupation with dominance and power makes a person a poor mate. A gut level, emotional understanding of this subject (as opposed to an intellectual understanding) is especially important for women who very often choose mates on the basis of status concerns. Psychopaths, Machiavellians and Narcissists all commit love fraud in that these people also want mates but are incapable of love. Many people, especially women, naively believe that all people who claim to want a mate, and say “I love you,” do indeed, love. Why would an unloving person even want a mate? The answer is power.
Within every person there are two levels to social motives. The first, superficial level is a general desire to be around people. It is rare for people to be so disordered that they lack the desire to be around others. A temporary lack of desire can come with depression and other illness, but I am referring to a constitutional lack of desire. This is only seen in schizophrenia and autism spectrum disorders. It is important to know, then, that there is a whole host of disordered people who want to be around others and who do not enjoy being alone—among these are Psychopaths, Machiavellians and Narcissists.
The second, deeper, social motives are sex, affection/love and dominance/power. A romantic relationship that is based on sex and love is pleasant, fulfilling and leads to well-being. Please hear me, a romantic relationship can also be based on sex and dominance/power. These relationships undermine the well-being of the subordinate partner. Since people who are motivated a great deal by personal dominance do not really like being around other dominant people, they are less likely to get caught up in or stay in a relationship with a power-hungry dominant. It is loving people who end up trapped with a member of The Dark Triad.
People who are more loving may still want status, they just prefer not to personally compete for it. This preference also attracts them to The Dark Triad. It might seem good to have a mate who does the competing and goes after the status. There are studies showing that Machiavellians who are stockbrokers, bankers and salespersons make more money. Psychopaths and Machiavellians often do better than control subjects in competitive laboratory games.
The conditions of The Dark Triad are especially common in America. Our child rearing practices deemphasize love and communion, and train children to be competitive and independent. Rarely, we produce individuals who are great leaders, who are loving and yet effectively competitive. We would all probably want such a person as a mate, but please realize that these individuals are relatively rare. More likely, we face a choice between loving and competitive traits.
Many women are turned off by “nice guys” who are lower in status drive. Guess what, though, studies of college students show that guys who are high in Machiavellian traits are very likely to coerce sex and commit date rape. The acceptance of competitive men who do this is so ingrained in our society that many blame the woman who made the mistake of going to the guy’s apartment.
I was out biking with a male friend the other day and we discussed the subject of sexual attraction and dominance motives. My friend also said that some men are “attracted to bitches.” “Some men really like that,” he said, referring to dominant women. It appears, then, that both men and women may be attracted to those who behave dominantly, even though this may actually signal the person’s undesirability.
Why is it so hard to have it all? Why is it rare that a person is both loving/empathetic and effectively dominant/competitive? The reason is that affection and dominance motives are not compatible. We can be motivated by a combination of sex and love or a combination of sex and power, but we cannot simultaneously experience love and power motives.
Furthermore, dwelling in the power realm suppresses the development of empathy. Empathy is a skill that must be nurtured and practiced. Empathy, if not practiced, diminishes. We are designed this way because assertion of dominance often necessitates overt or covert aggression. How can we be aggressive toward someone we have empathy for? We can’t, thus the most loving people are the least aggressive and the least domineering.
If you are in a relationship and are considering a deeper commitment, or are attracted to someone and considering a relationship, please take stock of what I have said. Consider the person’s Inner Triangle, don’t go after The Dark Triad.
The Inner Triangle is our Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Seek to surround yourself with loving people who have morals and impulse control. Avoid, at all costs, connecting with a member of The Dark Triad.
My childhood too was dysfunctional, bought up initially by a narcissistic father and schizophrenic mother – I have the ability to think around corners. But that is only any good, if you back it up with action. With the figures of people with full or partial neurosis quite high, I have spoken to at least 3 other close friends of mine of have encountered similar behaviours and are having to move area or hide from their ex partners. Two of these women had children with these men, and have the double hardship of having to bring the kids up alone. My ex absolutely hated children and I always felt he was jealous of them. Although I am still in recovery, I no longer have to bend myself out of shape for this man – the one I called my knight in rusty armor. In a strange way and off the back of him and some of his comments, I have used this as a learning experience.
Even when I think back to last summer, he suddenly vacated his room, finished his job, moved in with a family member – makes sure he has so few possessions he can up and move easily. He refuses to have his name on anything official, used elaborate excuses to say why he didnt want a passport, doesnt have a driving licence. Apart from his obligatory work taxes, he is virtually untraceable. He has moved all over the place and has had 85 pages of jobs (I know of about 5 jobs) and goodness knows what mayhem he has caused.
Reading the comments by so many here, makes it so much easier for me to process the weirdness of the one relationship I’ve had after my husband left me at the curb. This man who kept calling us friends, did everything that didn’t mean friendship. He figured if he showed up, he did his part, and let the party begin. I’ve known him for twelve years and he’s moved 12 times in the time I’ve known him. I did some background checking and found he’s had over 20 addresses in probably that many years. I don’t know if he moves to stay one step ahead of the bill collectors or he wears out his welcome.
I’ve always been someone who wonders why people do what they do. I know why I do everything I do and can prove it. But watching from a distance and being subject to odd behavior, makes me wonder what could possibly be going on in their minds. I’ve said as long as they bring nothing to a relationship, they can leave without leaving anything behind, and the partner is glad to see the last of them.
I think this friend of mine does so much for reaction. His behavior is a combination of narcissist, sociopath, psychopath, and just confusing. He’s one who when he leaves, you wonder what just happened and what did you even talk about. His comments are so vague and you know you don’t connect. With normal people, you can talk and walk away, knowing you really talked, but with him, he leaves one guessing. That’s when I would call and say what did you mean? He would say, I didn’t say whatever.
Knowing the friendship is over, makes me feel so free. To know I don’t have to participate in inane conversations that only make sense to him. My opinion is that he seems like he can only relate to a woman, when he is cheating on his current one. He doesn’t know how to relate in a normal sense, and only if he’s following his agenda. It’s about the thrill of the chase, but once he achieves his goal, he’s run out of ideas.
As I read all these comments, it’s bringing it all back to me, just how warped this whole debacle has been. Nothing has made sense to me, so how could it make sense to him. But to him, I’m the one with the problem. I know now that it’s not me. We all can’t be wrong. He would tell me I imagined a lot of what he said or did. I actually kept journals when he started to do weird things. After the years of living with my husband and being subjected to daily changes, and I didn’t record anything, I figured I wasn’t taking any more chances. The most of the entries pertain to his negative treatment of me. I look back and wonder why it took me so long to say, get out of my life. But I kept waiting and every now and then, he would exhibit something that suggested that I must have gotten through. Then just that quick, we were back to square one and nothing had changed. I finally realized that he was trying to mold me into something, but I never knew what. I have no desire to stick around to find out. How I thank God that my divorce hasn’t happened and my house isn’t sold yet. I was very weak last year, and had everything been finished of my marriage, I probably would be taking care of him. I’m so onto him that I don’t want anything with him. I refuse to do life his way. I will do it the way that works for me.
I don’t want to be with someone who has lots of secrets and resents being asked a simple question. I thought good conversation consisted of asking questions to find out about each other’s lives. Asking questions says that you are interested. To him, I was digging. That’s only because he had lots to hide. I uncovered a lot of garbage about him. That made him mad. He would tell me I had no right. I told him, when a man messes with a woman’s money, sex, emotions, she has every right to find out what he’s all about. I feel so much better though, knowing that he is the one with the problem and that’s why all his women finally dumped him. He can’t seem to understand that you don’t cheat on or lie to your wife, friend or lover. He has his guards up, and won’t let anyone in, but he wants to be in someone else’s life. What a bizarre existence.
I treasure God’s words and they have been my mainstay, and I always figured God gave us words to live by, so if we follow His precepts, we can have a normal life. It’s worked and works for my children, but not me because the men I’ve been around have the problems talked of here. They have great husbands. They talk together. But if I had to pay the price so they didn’t, it was a worthy sacrifice. I was able to come to terms with the oddity of these men, by doing comparisons and seeking my own counsel, through God. It worked. I have peace about so many things. I’ve been able to ditch the guilt. I refuse to buy into what is placed at my feet. If I didn’t do it, I will no longer accept it. Freedom. You got to love it!!
Apt/Mgr.
I think that through this website, we realise that there is a pattern of behaviour and that we are not crazy or insecure. We can see that there is alot of familiarity between these people – the way they act. Its the superiority of keeping your prey in the dark, throwing them off balance into turmoil and torment – getting one over someone else. He used words in the relationship like predatory – I have never heard these kinds of words used in my other relationships. My ex was cheating too, but he cleverly let me know it by giving me his old phone with his womens phone numbers on it, and leaving intimate text messages to a married woman on a phone he borrowed from me. I will never fully know what he got up to and what he has been up to. But when a man who goes to great lengths to cover his traceability and even on his death wants his body donated to medical science so there is no trace of him – he must have a deep self loathing to behave like that. I tried to question him on many occasions, and he cleverly kept the information back he didnt want me to know – he told me what he wanted me to know. Like you, he hated it when I started to probe about him. I think the shock at the end was realising that I never fully realised what pereson he was till afterwards – however I did watch him closely and I checked on him alot. – and I didnt surrender everything. He wanted a joint bank account – I said no, he wanted me to give up work – I refused. The physical side of our life was very strange too – very mechanical, devoid of emotion – he professed ‘heartfelt love’ but then he would disappear, push and pull, hot and cold. I was on an emotional roller coaster with him punishing me from the background – I think they call that ambient abuse, its the kind of abuse that is very hidden, but it insidiously bends you out of shape, until you forget the person that you were. Physically your body hurts, symptoms start manifesting, I still have chronic backache and when we split I felt like I had been punched all over. Sick love just makes you sick, there is no getting away from it, you cannot ignore the signals from your body. But then I had signals from my body early on, I even went to an acupuncturist 6 weeks into the relationship telling him that it felt like my body was over revving, this was due to the intensity of the relationship. I misread that intensity, but I didnt reciprocate at first, but he worked on me to break down my defences, he behaved like the perfect partner, reliable, polite. But he couldnt keep it up and then there were the bizarre comments, the disappearing. I learnt alot about passive anger from his behaviour, by reading up on it. I expressed my anger outwardly and thank God I did, because it was my ultimate protection. I heard rumours that he had left the pub with a woman, I challenged him about it, he told me I was a sad pathetic b…ch and then I pushed him over so easily, he flew into a rage. I too kept a journal of these bizarre happenings, and I started to keep a diary of his patterns of behaviours and I checked on him at different times. I also kept a log of my dreams as I had some pretty nasty ones.
Beverly,
I too, suffered physically, during the most of the years with my husband. I had migraines, horrible menstrual periods, bouts of cramps and diarrhea. etc. I jumped through hoops hoping my husband would just show some sign of real love. We were working on our house, and I worked like a man, to try and impress him with my abilities. But the more I did, the more he expected me to do. I humiliated myself on more than one occasion to try and get through to him. Nothing worked. He used me for sex and services, but if I was sick, he treated me with disdain. I thought, what a cold person I’ve married. It’s like I didn’t dare get sick, because my duty was to take care of him.
Several years ago, I started to hemorrhage and had lost over half of my blood. I needed transfusions. A few months after that incident, I got a tumor in my back. I thought it was God allowing something to happen to me to get my husband to see that I had worth and he would quit taking me and the children for granted. So I had surgery to have it removed. Two months after that I had a D&C, then two months later, a hysterectomy. That period of 6 months, were probably the best of my life as far as being a wife went. He was so nice and solicitous and it was like we were a real family. But after I healed and he knew he wouldn’t have to take care of me, he went back to his old, miserable way of treating us. Nasty demeanor, caustic way of talking. That’s when I finally realized that all those years of living as husband and wife was about him. He has since mellowed, but it’s too late for us.
I tried to be a good wife and mother, but nothing made a difference. I almost ruined my health to get someone’s love. I always felt he was jealous of my mothering the children, but I was their mother, not his. That’s when I started to see him differently. I think there is something so messed up inside of him that pertains to his own mother. She’s been dead for 44 years and if he mentions her in any way, he breaks down. It’s just unsettling being with someone who isn’t in touch with their emotions and just imitate others.
That’s why this man I met who wanted us to be friends, was welcome in my life. I truly thought he was the one to take me away. What a mess he made. I’m so glad I never got to the place where we would have gotten together. All in all, the time we spent together over the last 12 years, consisted of him having lunch with me or just stopping in to make sure I hadn’t forgotten him, and if it were added up, would have amounted to maybe 2-3 months, had we been together as a couple. But he sure did a number on me. He was a lesson well learned.
He was a very unfeeling man too. It’s like they resented me for having any physical problem. Very little sympathy. No empathy for me. I was on my own. How I thank God for healing my mind and brokenness. I’m much better for it and I’ve found the greatest panacea is talking and writing, until we get it out of our systems. With God’s help and mercy, I want to begin the new year, taking better care of me. I want to lose the weight again, that I lost before the tumor and other problems and get me back again. I find I eat for comfort and I needed a lot of comfort. That’s my worst vice, but I want to take care of me. They can take care of themselves or find someone else who wants to be a glutton for punishment do it. I want to get my life in order for me. I will look at all this as a lesson to me. I’ve learned where my strengths and weaknesses are and to change my weaknesses to strengths and to recognize the signs and not allow someone to take advantage of me. I thought for so long that in order to please God, I have to please people, but that was before I knew people have their own agendas and I have to protect my own boundaries. And it’s okay to say NO WAY. If I don’t receive some benefit from it, then I’m done. I won’t deplete my stores anymore.
Apt/mgr
Cold and calculating is their demeamour. He told me at the beginning he was a cold hearted b….d. My ex has severe angst with his mother too – she abused him when he was young, and so did his father. The sheer bad luck of thinking that someone who has befriended you to take you away from one demon to find out you have been befriended by another is the clever twist of the evil energy at work. My goodness what suffering these people cause, which is their own suffering deferred. Like you, I will be pleased to see the back of 2007, but I will be putting all my energies into myself to my own healing and wellbeing and this is something I shall continue to do whether in a relationship or not. I shall be number one in my life and this is a great gift of learning to caretakers and messiahs out there – most of whom are women.
Beverly,
It’s comforting to know there really are kindred spirits out here. I’ve always been a believer in good vs evil and that those spirits do inhabit people. The twisted minds just pass it on to their children and continue the cycle of dysfunction. Someone has to stop it. I feel sure that it stopped for my children. I don’t say self righteously, but I guess I suffered so my children didn’t have to.
Sometimes I feel this guilt for what my youngest endured, but she has to overcome like I did. We both forgave her father, but he did so much damage to me, because of the sexual relationship. He didn’t want me for anything but that, and I truly don’t think he realizes just how messed up he is. But he doesn’t ask for help, so I guess he doesn’t think he needs it. I just know that I want peace in my life and if it means just me, then so be it. I will not be the court jester for any man or anyone else for that matter. If they don’t want me out of bed and don’t want to do life with me, then they aren’t going to satisfy their lust at my expense.
Our society has put such a stigma on the people because they have this standard of living and so many people don’t have minds of their own so they adhere to that standard. It says if you aren’t sexually active by 21, you’ll suffer for it. If you aren’t having sex this many times a week, there’s something wrong. So society is using sex as a gauge to determine a person’s worth and people fall for it. From my observations of people, the most of their problems start once sex enters the picture. In my case, the only one who was punished was me and that was after sex or lack there of. I watched my husband and how he treated others, and they were treated with respect. I got nothing, unless he wanted sex. Then afterwards, it was the usual garbage. So if before and after stink, then sex is meaningless and is just a physical release.
I have watched so many people make fools of themselves over sex. Like it was the main ingredient for living. I’ve often asked what they did with the other 23 hours and 55 minutes. They put so much emphasis on the little bitty part of time, that everything else is left go. I think there is a way to make everything a priority, but that’s how I choose to live. But I refuse to be at a man’s disposal anymore. I tried it their way and it didn’t work and I was excluded. What a dismal excuse for a life lived. But I don’t have to put myself in that category. I choose to do it differently. Life is so short that I want to get the most while I can and it has nothing to do with messing with other’s lives. If they don’t want to include me, I move on. I refuse to invest anymore of my time on negative people. They will no longer drag me down with them. I refuse too, to be a battering ram for anyone again. I guess I have become a mouth, but only if necessary. I have ripped the welcome off my mat and will only allow those who want to be on the same page, in my life.
I want to take back what was taken from me and the most of that is peace of mind. I will no longer try for a place in someone’s life. I have a quote that goes, never make someone a priority in your life if you are only an option in theirs. I’ve read about emotional unavailability and commitment phobes and have found more information that I wish had been there for me years ago. When I was young enough to really do something about my lot in life. I had no idea there were so many mentally deformed people out here, who are disguised as normal men looking for a mate for life. What a joke. I use to think it had something to do with my extra poundage, but I’ve found size has little to do with it. It’s about choices. And I’ve finally realized that I too, have choices.
me again. sorry to beat a dead horse, but i still wonder…am I the only person so traumatized by what happened to me that I think holehearted is the sociopath himself, the actual author of the blog, sociopath.net?
she/ he? seems over the top.
Holehearted has been posting for a couple of months. She’s not the author of sociopath.net.
“At the top he has ASK as an option and you can ask him anything you want. I have had some email correspondence with him. He’s very intelligent”knows his disorder very well, and has a journal on there.”
I didn’t know an intelligent person would debunk what is officially diagnosed as sociopathy.
“His blogs will sicken and delight you at the same time.”
What a load of hogwash.
“Why would an unloving person even want a mate? The answer is power.”
AND to appear normal to everyone else. They know they are freaks… they just don’t want everyone ELSE to know they are freaks too.
Either way, it’s manipulation.
Great blog!