Choosing a life partner is the most difficult task young adults face. Furthermore, due to mistakes in choices, older adults also find themselves single and choosing again. The desire to have a life partner comes from our needs for sex and companionship; but, given how difficult it is to compete in society, the desire for a mate also may be influenced by more practical matters. In choosing a mate, sexual attractiveness, compatibility and social status all factor in to the equation. To avoid a mistake, then, it is necessary to be aware how sexual attractiveness, compatibility and social status influence our choices, and to couple this awareness with an understanding of the qualities that make a good life partner.
The problem with sexual attractiveness is that “beauty is only skin deep,” and many people, especially men, place too much of an emphasis on sexual attractiveness when choosing a mate. A choice based on sexual attractiveness has a high likelihood of being an incorrect one. Erotic passion clouds judgment and prevents us from considering compatibility and practical matters in our choices. The good news is that we do not have to allow ourselves to be seduced by beauty, and if we are, we have only ourselves to blame.
Once we get beyond sexual attractiveness, compatibility and status concerns weigh into our decisions. This is where the Dark Triad comes in. The Dark Triad of personality represents those who make their partners miserable. The Dark Triad is Psychopathy, Narcissism and Machiavellianism. To varying degrees, all three personality types entail a dark, interpersonally destructive character with tendencies toward grandiosity, emotional callousness, manipulation and dominance. Psychopaths and Machiavellians have high self- esteem, and are charming and fun but psychopaths are also impulsive and cunning. Narcissists are grandiose and have high self esteem, and may also be intellectually gifted. Research has shown that these three personality types are all a bit different and yet also highly overlap.
A common theme underlies The Dark Triad; that theme is a preoccupation with dominance and power. Personality tests of Machiavellianism come the closest to identifying non-criminal psychopaths. There are high correlations between these three personality tests in college students who take all three tests. The numbers indicate that these three concepts are different but have some common underlying theme. That theme is pleasure in power.
I want to explain why a preoccupation with dominance and power makes a person a poor mate. A gut level, emotional understanding of this subject (as opposed to an intellectual understanding) is especially important for women who very often choose mates on the basis of status concerns. Psychopaths, Machiavellians and Narcissists all commit love fraud in that these people also want mates but are incapable of love. Many people, especially women, naively believe that all people who claim to want a mate, and say “I love you,” do indeed, love. Why would an unloving person even want a mate? The answer is power.
Within every person there are two levels to social motives. The first, superficial level is a general desire to be around people. It is rare for people to be so disordered that they lack the desire to be around others. A temporary lack of desire can come with depression and other illness, but I am referring to a constitutional lack of desire. This is only seen in schizophrenia and autism spectrum disorders. It is important to know, then, that there is a whole host of disordered people who want to be around others and who do not enjoy being alone—among these are Psychopaths, Machiavellians and Narcissists.
The second, deeper, social motives are sex, affection/love and dominance/power. A romantic relationship that is based on sex and love is pleasant, fulfilling and leads to well-being. Please hear me, a romantic relationship can also be based on sex and dominance/power. These relationships undermine the well-being of the subordinate partner. Since people who are motivated a great deal by personal dominance do not really like being around other dominant people, they are less likely to get caught up in or stay in a relationship with a power-hungry dominant. It is loving people who end up trapped with a member of The Dark Triad.
People who are more loving may still want status, they just prefer not to personally compete for it. This preference also attracts them to The Dark Triad. It might seem good to have a mate who does the competing and goes after the status. There are studies showing that Machiavellians who are stockbrokers, bankers and salespersons make more money. Psychopaths and Machiavellians often do better than control subjects in competitive laboratory games.
The conditions of The Dark Triad are especially common in America. Our child rearing practices deemphasize love and communion, and train children to be competitive and independent. Rarely, we produce individuals who are great leaders, who are loving and yet effectively competitive. We would all probably want such a person as a mate, but please realize that these individuals are relatively rare. More likely, we face a choice between loving and competitive traits.
Many women are turned off by “nice guys” who are lower in status drive. Guess what, though, studies of college students show that guys who are high in Machiavellian traits are very likely to coerce sex and commit date rape. The acceptance of competitive men who do this is so ingrained in our society that many blame the woman who made the mistake of going to the guy’s apartment.
I was out biking with a male friend the other day and we discussed the subject of sexual attraction and dominance motives. My friend also said that some men are “attracted to bitches.” “Some men really like that,” he said, referring to dominant women. It appears, then, that both men and women may be attracted to those who behave dominantly, even though this may actually signal the person’s undesirability.
Why is it so hard to have it all? Why is it rare that a person is both loving/empathetic and effectively dominant/competitive? The reason is that affection and dominance motives are not compatible. We can be motivated by a combination of sex and love or a combination of sex and power, but we cannot simultaneously experience love and power motives.
Furthermore, dwelling in the power realm suppresses the development of empathy. Empathy is a skill that must be nurtured and practiced. Empathy, if not practiced, diminishes. We are designed this way because assertion of dominance often necessitates overt or covert aggression. How can we be aggressive toward someone we have empathy for? We can’t, thus the most loving people are the least aggressive and the least domineering.
If you are in a relationship and are considering a deeper commitment, or are attracted to someone and considering a relationship, please take stock of what I have said. Consider the person’s Inner Triangle, don’t go after The Dark Triad.
The Inner Triangle is our Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Seek to surround yourself with loving people who have morals and impulse control. Avoid, at all costs, connecting with a member of The Dark Triad.
Ox Drover
You can’t be a bully if you don’t have a victim.
You can’t feel “superior” if there isn’t an “inferior”
You can’t be a “winner” if there isn’t a “loser”
You can’t be “right” unless someone else is “wrong”
It IS all about the POWER.
loux2
Hey Ox 🙂
So you are saying that your opinion is = it is MORE about having someone to project their own weaknesses on (punish someone else for their own inadequacies/ impulsivity or lack of impulse control, self loathing. etc…) – than anyone else’s perception of how ‘normal’ or ‘abnormal’ they are?
My ex – he is all about image. He wants to have uncommon wealth, a trophy wife at his side – the younger the better b/c (he thinks) that makes him admirable and appear more virile (to other disordered, power hungry, perverted old MEN). Thing is – he’s never satisfied. Once the new gets old; or when he has a kid with her ASAP to trap/ hook her even further into the relationship – WHICH takes all the attention OFF of him (he is self defeating) – then it’s time to line up the back up b/c D&D is not far off. Which, of course, depreciates his wealth accumulation – ex’s and kids are not cheap!
He is his own worst enemy!
loux
loux2
Hey Ox 🙂
So you are saying that your opinion is = it is MORE about having someone to project their own weaknesses on (punish someone else for their own inadequacies/ impulsivity or lack of impulse control, self loathing. etc…) – than anyone else’s perception of how ‘normal’ or ‘abnormal’ they are?
My ex – he is all about image. He wants to have uncommon wealth, a trophy wife at his side – the younger the better b/c (he thinks) that makes him admirable and appear more virile (to other disordered, power hungry, perverted old MEN). Thing is – he’s never satisfied. Once the new gets old; or when he has a kid with her ASAP to trap/ hook her even further into the relationship – WHICH takes all the attention OFF of him (he is self defeating) – then it’s time to line up the back up b/c D&D is not far off. Which, of course, depreciates his wealth accumulation – ex’s and kids are not cheap!
He is his own worst enemy!
But, disordered people have their priorities too, I guess. Some are more concerned about Image; others about the power trippin.
loux
Wini
I think when my EX got involved with me was my easy nature. Thinking he liked me for that. In hindsight, he was just divorced (lied to me about the time frame of the divorce), didn’t have a pot to pee in (lied to me about that), was looking for someone easy going as a stepping stone to get where he wanted to go.
Pretended to be in love with me. Worked with my managers to bring me down telling them what got to me and what didn’t work. Destroyed my personal possessions that I am now, years later, finding in my garage behind his possessions he left here. So in reality, was I a stepping stone and someone he also was jealous of and hated? Hating me for being independent, owning my own house, vehicles, money in the bank? Stole money from me under false pretenses … dated other women, spending my money on them? Stole money out of my bank account … that I never checked since I was busy licking my wounds over what my managers did to me. Makes up stories to new people he meets about his family and pretends that he comes from a different background than average American working family? I’m hearing more and more of stories as people he’s met in different states eventually contact me (for which we’re all friends now, haven’t met, but we chat on the phone and e-mails). Is he doing the same to his new wife as he did to me? My heart goes out to her and I hope she has the support of family and friends like I do and I hope she eventually logs on to this site so she too, can help herself like we’re all doing. My EX has perfected his game. He was everything to me. Best friend, lover, confident … everything you could hope for. Then when it’s over for them … they’ve used you for what they wanted … they already move on … behind your back with other relationships … so they are at an advantage stage of picking and choosing from this level … moving on without letting you know they’ve moved on … still playing you … if you question them what is wrong .. they patronize you … tell you nothing is wrong … still nice to you, stroking you as they slowing … slip out of your life. That’s why people are so devastated. They don’t realize how they were used and abused from the very start. We (loving individuals) are used for what they can get from us, home to live in, our finances, what we buy them, what they steal … better their life conditions … find new people so they can get even more … then on and on … until they are sitting on their thrones … what they bought and traded in over the years off of everyone else’s blood, sweat and tears. Donna is right … they pretend to have businesses or starting up business … WE are their business. That’s how they get their money and power in society … by stepping on and over all of us “normal” folks.
Peace everyone. I’m doing my breathing excercises. In-hale, ex-hale.
And for everyone on this site, from my heart to yours. Do not waste any more of your tears and heartaches over these ruthless slimy creatures. You’re too good for any of them. I promise you are pure at heart. Peace to everyone.
loux2
wooops! how’d I do that? lol
loux2
just found a Machiavellian self-test on the web:
Machiavelli personality test
Are you a cutthroat or a pussycat? Find out, if you dare.
– – – – – – – – – – – –
By Richard Christie
Sept. 13, 1999 | MACH-IV (Test of Machiavellianism)
To what extent do each of the following statements accurately describe you? Please indicate the degree to which you personally agree or disagree with each of the following statements by choosing a number from the scale below that reflects your opinion.
1=strongly disagree, 2=disagree, 3=neutral, 4=agree, 5=strongly agree
1) Never tell anyone the real reason you did something unless it is useful to do so.
1 2 3 4 5
2) The best way to handle people is to tell them what they want to hear.
1 2 3 4 5
3) One should take action only when sure it is morally right.
1 2 3 4 5
4) Most people are basically good and kind.
1 2 3 4 5
5) It is safest to assume that all people have a vicious streak and it will come out when they are given a chance.
1 2 3 4 5
6) Honesty is the best policy in all cases.
1 2 3 4 5
7) There is no excuse for lying to someone else.
1 2 3 4 5
8) Generally speaking, people won’t work hard unless they’re forced to do so.
1 2 3 4 5
9) All in all, it is better to be humble and honest than to be important and dishonest.
1 2 3 4 5
10) When you ask someone to do something for you, it is best to give the real reasons for wanting it rather than giving reasons which carry more weight.
1 2 3 4 5
11) Most people who get ahead in the world lead clean, moral lives.
1 2 3 4 5
12) Anyone who completely trusts anyone else is asking for trouble.
1 2 3 4 5
13) The biggest difference between most criminals and other people is that the criminals are stupid enough to get caught.
1 2 3 4 5
14) Most people are brave.
1 2 3 4 5
15) It is wise to flatter important people.
1 2 3 4 5
16) It is possible to be good in all respects.
1 2 3 4 5
17) P.T. Barnum was wrong when he said that there’s a sucker born every minute.
1 2 3 4 5
18) It is hard to get ahead without cutting corners here and there.
1 2 3 4 5
19) People suffering from incurable diseases should have the choice of being put painlessly to death.
1 2 3 4 5
20) Most people forget more easily the death of their parents than the loss of their property.
1 2 3 4 5
This survey itself measures only one thing — whether you subscribe to the ideas of a 16th century Italian political philosopher. But experiments have shown that reactions to Machiavelli act as a kind of litmus test, delineating differences in temperament that can be confirmed with more traditional personality inventories. High Machs constitute a distinct type: charming, confident and glib, but also arrogant, calculating and cynical, prone to manipulate and exploit. (Think Rupert Murdoch, or if your politics permit it, President Clinton.)
True low Machs, however, can be kind of dependent, submissive and socially inept. So be sure to invite a high Mach or two to your next dinner party.
http://www.salon.com/books/it/1999/09/13/machtest/
my score was 46
Wini
Dear loux2: Interesting test. Thanks for sharing it with the rest of us.
Peace.
Ox Drover
Dear Loux,
Image I think for some of them is what they perceive as power, and they like control as well–they have to have it.
I know my X-BF-P it was about IMAGE. He grew up in what he condisdered “poor” circumstances, he wasn’t any more poor than the rest of us in this area at the time (we are about the same age) it is just that HE PERCEIVED that “rich” people looked “down” on poor people. I never grew up with that feeling that money made you “better” or “more status” so he wanted to be perceived of as “rich” and Education, he flunked out of his first semester in collge, so he wanted to appear “smart” and knowledgable. He was threatened by anyone with a “college education” and perceived that anyone with more formal education than he had (females at least) were “talking down” to him. Yet, he wanted to be arond others that he perceived were “educated” He would become irate if any conversation showed he didn’t know something, anything. Anyone else knowing something he didn’t was a threat to him.
Several judges and others in “power positions” that he had gone to school with he thought were his “friends” and he was always name dropping with these people. In fact, they weren’t really “friends” but he perceived they were.
He was conspicuous with buying “toys”—an expensive sports car, and other obvious signs, to him at least, of “wealth”–
But unless the P have someone to feel superior to, they can’t function, or someone to bully. If they had no one to “admire” their “success” they can’t function to make themselves appear better TO THEMSELVES.
What good would it do them to be alone on an island without someone to bully, to feel superior to? Now matter how the island was equipped? An actor has to have an audience!
My P-bio father did the same thing, conspicuous spending for “toys” and bigger airplanes, younger women, etc. If no one “envies” you for your younger women and bigger toys what good are they? The admiration from others I think is a big thing with many Ps. Maybe not all of them, but many. The power and control is all about it as well.
The Ps in lower socioeconomic brackets by exerting control can even experience the “superiority” of having SOMEONE lower than they are, so they perceive themselves at least Not on the BOTTOM.
Thanks for the test too, Loux. Interesting.
passer-by
To holehearted:
> this is saying that others should avoid you..that you are somehow not worthy of other’s friendship or love
I think that the member of Dark Triad is not worthy of other’s friendship or love – as long as he/she is the member of Dark Triad. You wrote that something woke you up, so probably it is not about you anymore, is it?
“Somehow” is not an appropriate word here. It’s not that such a person “somehow” is unworthy of other people’s friendship and love; they are unworthy of it exactly because they make the ones who love them suffer because of that love. Other people are not obliged to suffer just to let the member of Dark Triad avoid his personal hell he wilfully (albeit not intentionally) brought upon himself.
> It was always, “Why do all these stupid people get to live happy lives with nice homes and I have to suffer worrying over paying my bills?”
It’s called envy. But if you are that good, that smart, that funny etc. why do you need to be envious? It means that you are rich, that you have things that really matter. But rich people don’t have a reason to envy the poorer ones.
> I was not good enough for me.
It may be so that you still are not good enough for you. After doing all those things and after finding yourself in the circumstances you are now it’s hardly possible to feel that you are good enough.
> I feel ugly, old and stupid.
Probably that’s the way you are. But you can change that except for being old. And being old is relative: probably in ten years you will think that you were young at that time, that is, now.
> Now I “feel” for everyone.
I think it’s too grandiose to be true. Probably you are as human as anybody else, and humans have limited capacity for empathy. I think you are ovewhelmed with feelings that are relatively new for you because you tried to avoid them.
> whose son’s girlfriend killed their baby
Is she in prison? Or is this the euphemism for having an abortion? Do you really think that 10 week old human embryo has emotions and experiences like a year old baby? Or maybe you just choose to avoid the empathy towards the girl facing for the first time in her life the scary situation when another life inhabits her body and lays claim to irreversibly change her life?
> I didn’t want to suffer like these people
It’s absolutely normal. Nobody wants to suffer. There is nothing bad in that you didn’t want to suffer like the people you observed. There is nothing dark in it. But this is not enough to make you behave the way you wrote you behaved. There must be something else to contribute to that your behavior, because when you face another human being you understand that he/she doesn’t want to suffer either. And if you are an ordinary human being, there are times when you just can’t say: “It’s your turn to suffer; it’s always your turn because I don’t want to suffer at all”. There are times when something in your soul makes this stance impossible. Although nobody wants to suffer at all.
> How much longer can this go on?
It will go on at least as long as you don’t agree to be an ordinary human being. By the way, every ordinary human being is unique and has some special talents and abilities to be proud of; maybe you have them too. Maybe you’ll find some real reason to be proud of yourself. It makes life bearable.
> Thank you for listening.
It looks as if you needed some compassion. You have mine, but what will it change in your life? I’m just a stranger, a passer-by in the huge maze of Internet. Maybe the thing you really need is somewhere in your own soul?
Ox Drover
passer by,
I’m not sure holehearted is still around, but your response is interesting to a very good thread and article. We all need to re-read this article from time to time to refersh our memories, especially those of us that are starting to date again. Thanks for your comments.