At 9:12 am on May 21, 2003, the only peace I knew was the unsettling desire to die, the constant throbbing of the voice screaming at me to let go, give in, give up, give over my life to the darkness that consumed me. I wanted to end it all. To have the turmoil and pain and fear of living with an abuser die with me.
At 9:13 am on May 21, 2003, everything changed. Everything shifted and my world as I knew it ended. A police car drove up and I stood watching as two officers stepped from the car.
At 9:14 am I followed the officers into the room where my abuser lay sleeping and watched them arrest him.
They took him away and I sat in a chair in a room I did not recognize, captive in a body I could not feel. I was catatonic. Frightened. Terrified. I had 72 cents in my pocket, a few clothes and my dog, Ellie, who had journeyed through that four year, nine month voyage through hell beside me. She was my ballast but with his arrest, I was cast adrift. I clung to her fur, cried into her shoulders but still fear eroded my being, clawed at my heart, tore my world apart.
In my fear that this horror that I was enduring would be the rest of my life, I didn’t know where I’d find myself. I didn’t know where I’d come ashore. I only knew, I had run out of options. Run out of running away, of hiding, of being frightened and alone.
I called my sister and she and her husband came to get me. We drove the hour from the small town where I had been hiding out with my abuser for 4 months, into Vancouver. They didn’t ask me questions. They didn’t prod and poke. They didn’t dig into where I’d been nor share their fear and anger. They let me sit in silence in the back seat of their car and I was grateful.
My abuser was gone but still I felt the tendrils of his control lapping at the shores of my consciousness. I felt the fear of his absence from my life ripping at the delicate thought of freedom seeping into my mind. The enticement of peace from his abuse and anger seepped quietly into a tiny corner of my heart and began to take up residence.
It was the first peace I had known for months, years even. The first sense of peace I’d let in since meeting the man who’d promised to love me ’til death do us part, and then set about making the death part come true, sooner rather than later.
And in that moment of peace, sitting in the back seat of my sister’s car, Ellie beside me, I watched the countryside roll by and wondered, where had I gone?
It would be many months before I found an answer I could live with, but in the intervening weeks, I would dig deep into my psyche to uncover the truth about what had happened to me. In my digging, I would discover there was one choice I could make, every moment of every day — to be or not to be filled with peace — peace of mind, a peaceful heart, to claim a piece of calmness within my day.
Peace didn’t come cheap. It came with great effort. With a constant reminder of the question, “What do I want to create? Harmony or discord?” “Is what I am doing creating more harmony in my life? Or less?”
And when the answer was, ‘less’, I would ask myself, “What can I do to restore peace of mind, right now, in this moment? What am I willing to do to have more of what I want in my life?”
He was arrested in May. By July I was working, rebuilding my life. I had one focus and that was to heal myself so that I could help my daughters heal. And constantly I reminded myself, my peace of mind comes when I know that what I am doing creates more of what I want in my life and less of what I don’t.
And peace came. It drifted into my being like fog rising from the ocean shores upon which I walked at night with Ellie. It came. Dressed up in a gossamer gown of morning dew resting upon the delicate petals of the flowers strewn across the garden in a joyful disarray of colour. It seeped in, shrouded in the night falling sweetly upon the end of day. Peace came and I became filled with peace of mind.
And then, the phone call arrived. It was a hot summer’s morning in August. I was getting ready to walk to the Seabus that would carry me across the bay to the downtown core. I was getting ready and peace of mind slept unaware of the moment about to arrive. The phone rang. I answered it and listened to the disturbing words of a police officer.
“Conrad has escaped from jail. We don’t know where he is but we assume he’ll come looking for you… Just thought we should warn you.”
And in one moment, my peace of mind evaporated. My sense of well-being vanished.
I started to shake. To cry. To be consumed with the fiery fringe of fear lapping at my heart, sending its beat into erratic rhythm.
My mind began to race. What if… no way… but then he could…
I shut the windows. Locked the door. And still I feared.
I wanted out. I didn’t want to let go of my peace of mind.
I took a breath. Refused to be scared. I got Ellie’s leash and called her to my side. “Let’s go for a walk,” I said.
The thought of the great outdoors enticed her. She didn’t care about my peace of mind. She just wanted to go for a walk.
And so we walked. Out the front door, through the gate, down the street. A left and then a right, across the avenue, along the trail leading into the woods. My sanctuary. My respite. My peaceful place.
I took a step into the forest’s tranquil embrace. A leaf rustled on the ground. A twig snapped.
Fear erupted. Peace escaped.
Suddenly, behind every branch, he lurked. Every rustle of leaf was his footstep. Every step took me closer to a deadly encounter.
I lasted less than two minutes in the woods before I bolted.
Peace was no longer possible. Terror reigned.
I raced down the street, back towards my sister’s home where I was living. I raced with Ellie loping beside me. It’s a game, her upturned face seemed to say. Can we play?
No, I cried. No time to play. We’ve got to get home. Home to the safety of a locked door, drawn blinds, darkness.
And in the comfort of my room, lying on my bed, Ellie watching me from the floor beside me, I cried and I cried.
How dare he steal my peace of mind. How dare he erode my tranquility.
“He doesn’t have to,” a voice somewhere in the darkness of my mind whispered. “You don’t have to let him in.”
“It’s not my choice,” I cried.
“You always have a choice,” the voice admonished.
I took a breath. A choice? A peaceful choice? The voice was right. I always have a choice.
To live in fear or peace?
Which would I choose?
There is a story of a First Nations elder who tells his grandson about the two wolves that live within each of us. One is black. One is white, he tells his grandson. And always, they are fighting to gain control of our being.
“Which one wins?” the grandson asks.
“Whichever one you feed,” replies the elder.
I fed the black wolf that day. I fed it my hard won peace of mind, my sense of well-being, my comfort. I fed what I had worked so hard to achieve and still it was hungry. It wanted more.
I had so little to give. I could not give it what I cherished most.
I took a breath and let my breath feed oxygen to the white wolf where it sat waiting at the doorway to my mind. With each breath I stoked the fires of my passion to live with peace of mind residing deep within me, a calm, clear lake of tranquility resting at my core.
I took a breath and chose to let go of fear and step into courage. I chose to let courage drive fear out, as I drove clear of the darkness.
I claimed my peace of mind and stepped out into the sunshine of the day, confident in my choice to live fearlessly in the rapture of now. I took a breath and slid effortlessly into the grace of being free to choose more of what I want of my life, letting go of what no longer serves me.
The question is: Which wolf will you feed?
ErinBrock:
I’m assuming you gave your kid a gallon of spackle and a plastering trowel to fix that wall that he put his head through the other day. Now that sounds like a fun filled weekend project.
Actually….I SPACKLED HIM to the wall…..his head fit perfectly in the hole….much cheaper than a patch!
I just sent all the kids packen….there were 12 extra kids here……movie night at EB’s house….every friday night.
So……I set down the rules….gone by midnight and I ain’t taking anyone home…I’m working tonight…..ofcourse it was MY kid that authorized the extension and walks all over my rules…..so at 12:15…. I pitched a fit in front of all the kids….embarrased the hell out of him. As they were just starting the 2nd movie…..WTF??? They were all gone by 12:16.
That’ll teach him for back talking mamma!
Dang….he’s so got his father in him. Unfortunately for him…..I’ve been educated and my boundaries are brought in substantially…..
May need more spackle for when he comes upstairs….
Little shit!
Nomorenomore – I don’t quite know what to say to you – you need to get all the anger out – and you’re doing good with it. I am sorry I wasn’t here when you posted – I have welcomed quite a few people to this site due to the time zone I am in 🙂
So …. welcome nomorenomore – you have been through hell with a man who has stolen many things from you – think of the gold as being a metaphor for the goodness inside you that he exploited and took from you. That’s a symbol that not many of us get. He stole things from you also that you cannot replace – the lighting parts are a metaphor for that. These things are very difficult to find and probably cost a lot – they took you a long time to aquire and now they are gone and what for? He doesn’t need them does he? He stole them simply because he can and he knows you value them and need them for your work. That is the sickness they live with. It doesn’t harm them – it harms the people around them and especially those they ‘love’. By now you will know he is incapable of love. Your love though was real.
That’s partly why it is so hard to cope with – we loved and loved and what did we love? It wasn’t a real person – we loved the mask he presented us with … and that mask was a reflection of ourselves and what we most wanted in the world and in a person to love. It’s not like loving the self though … it’s painful to realise what we loved did not exist in reality. We loved an illusion. A facade.
Your post shows a very clear awakening to what he is – you knew it in an instant. Now comes the painful and liberating journey of healing from this disaster. I don’t know the path – I am walking in the darkness myself – but we can walk together and that companionship means everything to me. I am no longer alone … and nor are you.
A warm welcome to you – please post more of your story as you feel able to as well as any and all insights that come up for you as a result of reading the articles or comments. I hope you had a little happiness today … but if not today then definitely tomorrow 🙂
Mamma Gem:
Yep, she’s still on the road…..hoping to get home next week, but storms were hitting…..ya know, she causes storms wherever she goes! 🙂
Shoot….don’t we all? I sure do!
I think she did respond….but I can’t tell you where now……
it was a few days ago….I’ve lost all the posts….
How ya doing darlen?
Your song was hilarious…..btw!
XXOO
EB
Kimberly – I asked you some questions in another thread about your daughter, but after reading this I understand now – your husband is her step father and they are not related by blood. You have also explained that this relationship is legal as your daughter is past the age of consent.
Again I am so sorry you are going through this – it’s bad enough when they leave for someone younger, but when it’s your own daughter – well that’s a whole different level of pain. What are the counsellors and psychologists recommending for you with regard to her?
The advice on this site for people who have someone they love entrenched with a spath is to ‘hold on loosely’. In other words to try to maintain contact and let her know that you are there for her when she decides to leave him. And hopefully one day soon she will decide to leave him. If she is isolated from friends though that will definitely prolong the relationship and ‘normalise’ the situation. You can’t control those parameters unfortunately for her.
I guess all you can do at this stage is work on yourself in preparation for her returning. If she returns while you are in the midst of grief then it will be bad for both of you. I know it is very painful that she is not in your life, but this will give you space to heal – if she were in your life then the triggering from being around both of them would seriously stall your healing. Perhaps this time is being given to you to concentrate on yourself and your other children. All you can do at this stage is focus on healing yourself from this. I think she will return to you in the future and hopefully she can recover from the harm he has inflicted. With both of them out of your life you are in no contact mode with him and that’s the best bet for getting over this. Being constantly around them makes the grief and pain that much harder to be around.
Is there a family member or adult friend who IS still in contact with her? Preferably someone you know and trust has her best interests at heart? Teenagers often don’t do well getting advice from their parents but may respect the input of someone a little removed from that role. Perhaps if there is then this person could ‘plant some seeds’ by talking with her about domestic abuse and sociopaths?
Don’t worry at the moment about feeling guilty about bringing him into her life and what she will say afterwards – that is just more to beat yourself up about and you’ve already done enough of that! When she comes back you will work through those issues together, but for now – the work is on YOU. You have a lot of remembering and rebuilding to do.
Some suggestions for kickstarting that process = take what is useful and discard the rest 🙂
Start and maintain a journal – buy yourself a book and handwrite it or type on the pc – whatever is most comfortable and useful to you. Handwriting is great for really getting to the source of things – the hand is connecting the brain to the paper and because we think faster than we write, you phrase t hings in great clarity. In your journal go backwards and forwards and express present feelings. Don’t worry about coherency and a timeline – just write whatever needs to come out on any particular day – remember scenes of abuse, the words he used, his facial expressions and how he treated you and others. I can’t tell you how instrumental this process has been in going forward in healing for me. There is no way I would have made any progress if I had not written and thought to achieve clarity about the relationship.
Read lots – both here and online and in books – this is comforting as you recognise things you lived through and it validates your experience. You gradually start to see IT WASN’T YOU. And there was nothing you could have done to change things or make it turn out any differently.
I notice you posted somewhere else that you don’t enjoy the same things you used to. I thought that too, but forced myself to TRY. Once I was involved in activities I used to love, I quickly found time spinning by and realised with surprise I hadn’t thought about the P for more than an hour. It’s a joyous release away from dwelling on the misery and mess that is left behind.You said you liked photography. How about taking a series of shots of where you live that you would show to us on this site to explain your city? True that we can’t see them unfortunately but the product is not the point here – the process of taking them is the point! And anyway- you can describe them to us. Deciding to take on a project like that will get you motivated and out of the house – you could even involve the children in it – ask them to look at the city with new eyes as though they were showing it to children who live in another country.
PLAYDOUGH 🙂 🙂 🙂 Go and buy yourself a tub of playdough in your favourite colour, open it up and breathe in the scent then get going with some sculpting. It will bring back happy memories of childhood and give you some tactile relief from all of this drama. I actually made some for a dinner party I had with friends and everyone got really into making things – yes it got quite rude by the end of the evening lol but everyone said they hadn’t had that experience for years and it was soothing and comforting in a way they couldn’t describe 🙂
You will get through this – I know you are doubting it at the moment, but you will. And what’s more you will be an incredible woman when you do get through it. You will never forget it, but you will get beyond the tears and heartache so intense. There will be up days and down days but gradually the up days will start to outnumber the down ones and one day you will notice that you haven’t c ried for a whole week, then a month. One good thing going for you is you sound really clear and expressive in articulating this – it’s the people that can’t express or deny the level of pain that end up in trouble. Express all you need to – that’s what this place is for.
Many hugs 🙂 Have a hot bath and a sweet cup of tea and look in the mirror and say “I LOVE YOU” – this is the journey you are undertaking in your pain – the journey to truly love yourself faults and all in the aftermath of the psychopath. You are worth it and you will get there!
Hi Everyone and Good Morning! Boy, I need to stay up later because I came to LF this morning and a lot of good stuff was posted here!
nic, I read your post about wondering whether or not it’s good for the P’s to have contact with their children. The first thing I found interesting is that he walked out of this child’s life and hasn’t looked back? That’s telling right there. I have wrestled with this as I have a son with my ex S. Yesterday, it was a nightmare.
By text, because I have a restraining order, my ex tells me our son has a basketball practice at 3:30. OK, I get everything ready for my son so that when he gets home from school, he can go over to the neighbors and his father can pick him up.
3:30 goes by, he’s not here.
20 minutes later, he’s still not here. My son decides to make other plans.
10 minutes after that, I get a text he’s almost here to pick him up.
Text back to him; son has made other plans as he was late. Receive text back; he’s still coming.
Text back to him; NO, son is not going.
Text received; FINE then, F it!
My son then goes into a 2 hour crying jag, talking about how much he is disliked and how can I love him?, etc.. He sobbed uncontrollably. The bottom line that we finally came to on this is that my son didn’t want to go in the first place and felt guilty for not wanting to see his own father. What this child put himself through over this was living hell. We spent a lot of time talking about the fact that it’s OK to say NO and that sometimes others won’t like it, but that’s their problem to handle. He was beating himself to death with guilt. My son is 10 and is quickly learning some harsh lessons. Based on my personal experiences, like the above, I’m for NC between exes and children. I’ve read through some of the other threads on here and I’m seeing kids hurt all over the place and the pain I feel over this is enormous.
Quantum Solace,
Awesome that you found out what your ex was by reading about PAS! One thing I promise you is that it WILL get better. I’ve been in that place where it seems like what CAN go wrong will. One of the things I started doing was praying, a LOT. I gave over the expectations, the end results to anything that was happening, to God. I did the footwork I could and let Him take care of the rest. I started seeing things turn around because I, too, was once in that place where no one believed me. My own family bailed my ex out of jail for stealing from me. He had them totally conned. The police didn’t help. Friends and my own grown children (I have 3 from a previous marriage would hardly speak to me), because he was still around. It went on and on. I lost complete faith in the justice system, other people, myself. I was completely alone and felt as though it was going to be that way forever.
One of the good things I see going on in your life is that you have your son. Taking care of you so that you can take care of him is SO important! I’m learning this one as I go along, too.
The fact that you are here, sharing and helping others is a huge part of taking care of you. I don’t know where I would be in my own healing process without LF. I come here to learn, share, heal.
I, like others, cannot imagine the feelings you have where your daughter is concerned. As someone else said, it’s like having a hole in your heart and it is. I know that when my grown children would have nothing to do with me, I felt like a major part of me was missing. I am sending you prayers and hugs that you somehow come to a place of peace over this and that God has you in his hands to help take away at least some of the pain.
Too Late, WELCOME! And I’m sorry you’re here as well. This place and the people here are wonderful! Each time I come here, whether I post or not, I learn. Knowledge brings its’ own kind of power and LF has provided me with a path to walk on, a healing path.
nomore, if there is one thing they’re good at, it’s planning. they live their lives by planning what they’re going to take next, how they’re going to get it and who they’re going to get it from. It’s their M.O. and I heard you when you yelled. Go ahead and get the anger out, let the tears flow. I journal a LOT. I can write for hours and when I’m done, I feel so much better. As tempting as it is, I wouldn’t let him see your emotions. They FEED off of our emotions even after they’re gone. They love that they have had an effect on us, whatever kind it may be. All the wonderful people here know far more about how I feel than that idiot does. He has no right to know how I feel. Neither does yours.
EB, read your posts on kids and agree completely. Kids need a NORMAL place to grow and thrive and I’m finding my own child is NOT wanting to spend all that much time with his father these days, like the incident I detailed above. He has enough wounds to heal. Spending time with his father is like sending him to a place where he’ll just get wounded again and again.
Good stuff on here!
I was up far too late. After finding this site … I couldn’t let go of it. I didn’t get to bed until 04:30.
Thank you to everyone for reading my novel-length posts and giving me so much support afterwards.
I went to bed at 04:30 and woke up at noon, completely refreshed. I don’t think I’ve slept so well for months.
What have you done to me? I’ll tell you. As I sat here at noon checking the reply messages, I heard my boys having a pillow fight in the bedroom. (usually a no no by my roommates standards). I grabbed a pillow and opened the door … then caught one of the boys immediately with my pillow. There was a pause and he looked at me like I was punishing him. I immediately grinned and said “What? I can’t play too?” Then they both grinned and came at me with their pillows … ready for the fight with mom. The pillow fight was short-lived, and when it was over, I hugged each of them and told them that I loved them.
There was laughter! It was a brief, but special moment.
Thank you everyone for the patience, understanding, advice, and comforting words. It has helped me more than anything. Even reading about what other people are going through is helping.
Sadly, I cannot lounge around the house today. It is my weekend to work.
I’ll be back tonight, after work.
Take care …. and many hugs to all of you.
Too Late:
YES….it does improve.
(I know you have been in touch with police, therapists etc…)
Have you contacted child protective services ? How about did she ever go back to school?….if so….contact the school, the district….
Thank you for sharing your journey…..painful indeed and i’m sorry you are in this pain.
I’m sure you are aware, after your marathon LF session last night……that there is so very much healing and information here……and it seems never ending….
The articles and the posters are full of ideas, information, love, caring and sharing…..
Despite how you feel…..you do have power….you do have choices and you are certainly going in a healing direction…..
Please, give it time…..give the healing the chance and allow the process to progress……one step forward, one step back…..10 steps forward, 2 steps back….is how it seems to work……
Put the time in and you will certainly reap the knowledge to change YOUR situation fo rYOUR future!
I’m so glad you had a moment with your boys…..those are the times you’ll NEVER forget and those are the moments that will give you strength to learn and make a difference!
Welcome to Lf darlen…..welcome to a place of healing.
XXOO
EB
Matt thanks. Cat, I can feel your son’s pain. I never thought of it that way but he has walked out of her life and hasn’t looked back. Prior to him walking out he would come sporadically and hours late to pick her up. It wasn’t a healthy situation.
Today during my daughter’s violin class the teacher made a comment about how she is always so happy. I thought to myself that is so true. My daughter is happy! She is always smiling and having fun. That is what it is all about. If I were still with my ex-h I believe she would be a different person.
Toolate –
I just read your afternoon post. What a sweet post. It took me back to the way I felt after finding LF…a sense of WOW, and renewed comfort, hope and a new direction.
I remember slowly reconnecting with parts of my life (and myself) that I had let go by the wayside. Because I had become consumed by someone and distracted by the chaos and confusion in my life…so terribly…that I only got out of bed to take my children to and from the bus stop. I was once the PTA mom, homeroom mom and very active in the community with my children and I lost sight of all of that. Slowly but surely I started finding myself again and having those bursts/bouts of reconnecting back to who I was and the way I always wanted to be in my life.
Some may not agree with me, but I dont blame him for me losing myself. I hold myself accountable for giving up my power and control of ME, MYSELF, MY BEST INTEREST. I shifted it all over to him at the time…the reasons may partly be his responsibility and my lack of having tools to cope with his personality disorder…but in the end (for me, whats best for me only) is when I hold myself accountable (without BLAME) – it reminds me to always believe in myself, trust myself and my instincts and NEVER put myself in a place of giving my best away to someone who doesnt respect, love, trust himself….let alone me.
Im glad you found LF. It was quite by chance I found this site. The one and only place Ive ever participated in…logged into…and began to share and learn. I also wondered if I was brought here by an Angels doing, because its the one and only place that isnt too good to be true! Its as good as it is true here!! Hope you have a good day at work with just a bit more hope, optimism and faith than yesterday!