At 9:12 am on May 21, 2003, the only peace I knew was the unsettling desire to die, the constant throbbing of the voice screaming at me to let go, give in, give up, give over my life to the darkness that consumed me. I wanted to end it all. To have the turmoil and pain and fear of living with an abuser die with me.
At 9:13 am on May 21, 2003, everything changed. Everything shifted and my world as I knew it ended. A police car drove up and I stood watching as two officers stepped from the car.
At 9:14 am I followed the officers into the room where my abuser lay sleeping and watched them arrest him.
They took him away and I sat in a chair in a room I did not recognize, captive in a body I could not feel. I was catatonic. Frightened. Terrified. I had 72 cents in my pocket, a few clothes and my dog, Ellie, who had journeyed through that four year, nine month voyage through hell beside me. She was my ballast but with his arrest, I was cast adrift. I clung to her fur, cried into her shoulders but still fear eroded my being, clawed at my heart, tore my world apart.
In my fear that this horror that I was enduring would be the rest of my life, I didn’t know where I’d find myself. I didn’t know where I’d come ashore. I only knew, I had run out of options. Run out of running away, of hiding, of being frightened and alone.
I called my sister and she and her husband came to get me. We drove the hour from the small town where I had been hiding out with my abuser for 4 months, into Vancouver. They didn’t ask me questions. They didn’t prod and poke. They didn’t dig into where I’d been nor share their fear and anger. They let me sit in silence in the back seat of their car and I was grateful.
My abuser was gone but still I felt the tendrils of his control lapping at the shores of my consciousness. I felt the fear of his absence from my life ripping at the delicate thought of freedom seeping into my mind. The enticement of peace from his abuse and anger seepped quietly into a tiny corner of my heart and began to take up residence.
It was the first peace I had known for months, years even. The first sense of peace I’d let in since meeting the man who’d promised to love me ’til death do us part, and then set about making the death part come true, sooner rather than later.
And in that moment of peace, sitting in the back seat of my sister’s car, Ellie beside me, I watched the countryside roll by and wondered, where had I gone?
It would be many months before I found an answer I could live with, but in the intervening weeks, I would dig deep into my psyche to uncover the truth about what had happened to me. In my digging, I would discover there was one choice I could make, every moment of every day — to be or not to be filled with peace — peace of mind, a peaceful heart, to claim a piece of calmness within my day.
Peace didn’t come cheap. It came with great effort. With a constant reminder of the question, “What do I want to create? Harmony or discord?” “Is what I am doing creating more harmony in my life? Or less?”
And when the answer was, ‘less’, I would ask myself, “What can I do to restore peace of mind, right now, in this moment? What am I willing to do to have more of what I want in my life?”
He was arrested in May. By July I was working, rebuilding my life. I had one focus and that was to heal myself so that I could help my daughters heal. And constantly I reminded myself, my peace of mind comes when I know that what I am doing creates more of what I want in my life and less of what I don’t.
And peace came. It drifted into my being like fog rising from the ocean shores upon which I walked at night with Ellie. It came. Dressed up in a gossamer gown of morning dew resting upon the delicate petals of the flowers strewn across the garden in a joyful disarray of colour. It seeped in, shrouded in the night falling sweetly upon the end of day. Peace came and I became filled with peace of mind.
And then, the phone call arrived. It was a hot summer’s morning in August. I was getting ready to walk to the Seabus that would carry me across the bay to the downtown core. I was getting ready and peace of mind slept unaware of the moment about to arrive. The phone rang. I answered it and listened to the disturbing words of a police officer.
“Conrad has escaped from jail. We don’t know where he is but we assume he’ll come looking for you… Just thought we should warn you.”
And in one moment, my peace of mind evaporated. My sense of well-being vanished.
I started to shake. To cry. To be consumed with the fiery fringe of fear lapping at my heart, sending its beat into erratic rhythm.
My mind began to race. What if… no way… but then he could…
I shut the windows. Locked the door. And still I feared.
I wanted out. I didn’t want to let go of my peace of mind.
I took a breath. Refused to be scared. I got Ellie’s leash and called her to my side. “Let’s go for a walk,” I said.
The thought of the great outdoors enticed her. She didn’t care about my peace of mind. She just wanted to go for a walk.
And so we walked. Out the front door, through the gate, down the street. A left and then a right, across the avenue, along the trail leading into the woods. My sanctuary. My respite. My peaceful place.
I took a step into the forest’s tranquil embrace. A leaf rustled on the ground. A twig snapped.
Fear erupted. Peace escaped.
Suddenly, behind every branch, he lurked. Every rustle of leaf was his footstep. Every step took me closer to a deadly encounter.
I lasted less than two minutes in the woods before I bolted.
Peace was no longer possible. Terror reigned.
I raced down the street, back towards my sister’s home where I was living. I raced with Ellie loping beside me. It’s a game, her upturned face seemed to say. Can we play?
No, I cried. No time to play. We’ve got to get home. Home to the safety of a locked door, drawn blinds, darkness.
And in the comfort of my room, lying on my bed, Ellie watching me from the floor beside me, I cried and I cried.
How dare he steal my peace of mind. How dare he erode my tranquility.
“He doesn’t have to,” a voice somewhere in the darkness of my mind whispered. “You don’t have to let him in.”
“It’s not my choice,” I cried.
“You always have a choice,” the voice admonished.
I took a breath. A choice? A peaceful choice? The voice was right. I always have a choice.
To live in fear or peace?
Which would I choose?
There is a story of a First Nations elder who tells his grandson about the two wolves that live within each of us. One is black. One is white, he tells his grandson. And always, they are fighting to gain control of our being.
“Which one wins?” the grandson asks.
“Whichever one you feed,” replies the elder.
I fed the black wolf that day. I fed it my hard won peace of mind, my sense of well-being, my comfort. I fed what I had worked so hard to achieve and still it was hungry. It wanted more.
I had so little to give. I could not give it what I cherished most.
I took a breath and let my breath feed oxygen to the white wolf where it sat waiting at the doorway to my mind. With each breath I stoked the fires of my passion to live with peace of mind residing deep within me, a calm, clear lake of tranquility resting at my core.
I took a breath and chose to let go of fear and step into courage. I chose to let courage drive fear out, as I drove clear of the darkness.
I claimed my peace of mind and stepped out into the sunshine of the day, confident in my choice to live fearlessly in the rapture of now. I took a breath and slid effortlessly into the grace of being free to choose more of what I want of my life, letting go of what no longer serves me.
The question is: Which wolf will you feed?
Quantam,
Can you not ask for another Judge i think in the Uk one can
Not sure about where you are diffrent system i suppose.
When i found out about VOICE i also found out about childrens rights etc and what they can do they can claim child support of their own accord can that happen in U.S.A?
is your son able to voice his own opinion or is he too young?
In the Uk it’s age 10 some cases it has been younger.
wonderfullife:
The story with my son is also very tortured. He had a nearly fatal accident when he was in early teens because the monster would leave them alone all the time. By the time he finished high school he was involved in drugs, nothing serious, pot but he got caught. The monter is married again but she is another P just like him who has taken it out on my kids (she has 3 of her own who are with her ex so you figure the story there). Long story short, they kicked my son out. He wouldn’t get in touch with me because they’ve told my children that I’m in and out of mental institutions for years and I’m dangerous. The children were instructed to call the police if I came around to see them. Anyway, my son was homeless and on the streets for months, getting into even more trouble as a result. Finally, he came to me and I was able to stabilize him. I’ve had him with me for several months now, he is back in school and doing wonderful. He also has a part time job and is well liked. He amazes me and makes me proud every day. He tries so hard to please me and he is the reason why I have to try even harder and why I a so afraid. If that monster destabilizes my life, everything I’ve done for my son will come crashing down. I’m supporting him and putting him thru college on my salary which is about half of what the monster makes. Yet, the monster has got out of paying his college and so far, even child support for him too. It looks like I’m going to be in the whole for about $44,000 to him when this is all said and done. This is reliving the divorce all over again. And the judge may take away the trust funds too which he will piss off in a matter of weeks. I know for a fact that nothing will be done to him then. The guy is Teflon coated. The nightmare doesn’t end, 11 years and counting.
Quantum,
Your son sounds remarkably strong as do you.
The monster sounds like a sheer monster.
They all seem to be Teflon coated don’t they.
Where oh where is the justice in this world.
Thank you for telling your story i see the problems you have.
There is no justice, I found that out a long time ago.
My son is very special, I knew that the day he was born.
Your son is very speacial and you are too.
At least you have each other against that Monster.
Quantum,
You are not with him any longer… there is justice in that. When it seems overwhelming and that there is no end, no answer, no remedy… take a deep breath and know as long as you continue to do what you believe in – its the single most best thing you can do.
What you shared about your situation, struck a chord with me… being told my mother was in and out of mental institutions (unfortunately for me, this was true) and being told I was abandoned by her, I didnt matter to her, etc… left a huge emptiness in my life, all my life.
After reconnecting with her being diagnosed with Cancer and on medication for her mental illness – I at least got to know her again. The day after her funeral her sister (my aunt) gave me a shoebox. I sat on the front porch and proceeded to read letter, after letter, postcards, birthday /holiday cards returned mail she had written throughout the years to her daughters.
Some were written at the height of her mania and others were written when she was suffering the loss of her daughters. No matter what mental state a mother is in – they do experience a sense of loss and forever love their child. Those letters meant so much to me.
The monster cant take away your spirit and soul. He cant destabilize you if you dont let him. You are doing the best you can. There will be answers – ones you dont like — ones you will be grateful for — and ones that just happen to fall into place – unexpectedly. Dont give up on what you believe in and what you know to be the truth!!!! You CAN do this!
Hello all, havent posted in awhile. This theme is so appropriate for this time in my life, I have been busy claiming my peace, taking back who I once was and what I know want to become. I went to court for divorce proceedings, but asked the judge for 2 specific things. 1. My former name back and 2. the restraining order dropped. (he had filed a restraining order on me, with no explanation and no reason, I don’t even live in the same town he does). I sent the judge a letter telling him about my ex husband to be’s behavior and pleaded he restored my self respect back. In court the judge held my letter up and said “I read your letter extensively,” and turned to the S and said “are in agreement with her taking her name back and the domestic order dismissed. In his meek mouse voice, he managed to get out a yes. And so, this is the beginning of the end of that phase in my life.
While we were both getting our divorce papers stamped, I could not hold back the tears, tears of happiness that the judge understood perhaps my plight, tears of sadness that he did not ever love me like he said. I was sobbing and he stood there stoic not even looking my way. The clerk handing me tissue for my tears and he not so much as a look. This jerk who once claimed he did not believe in divorce and yet divorced me, who said he loved me like no other, yet discarded me like trash. EB your post “Dont let him rent free in your head” Most awesome, yes, because I am traumitized, I am on the road, I reclaimed myself legally the other day, but my heart is in peices and my mind tattered, I have to begin the repair to myself for my peace to be complete. I think of good times we had, and get angry, I say to my thoughts ‘enough’, he was not real, he was the Devil.
For too late: Oh my gosh your pain my friend, I cannot imagine. You must be strong for you and your sons, you must rise above this. He cannot win, please do not let him win in what you have power over. You have so much power now! The power to raise your sons like you want, to rest when you want, to blossom like a freshly planted flower. Don’t give that up for anyone..and your daughter, leave her in God’s hands, ask him to hold her,watch her, guide her and give her a heart of understanding and she may one day return.
You have so much positive work ahead of you as do I, so lets begin the work of being stronger, this site will help you as it has helped me. Hang in there
Clovis,
Thank you.
I want what you suggest. I want freedom and peace.
Unfortunately, it seems far in the distance for me. I feel as though I learned too little … too late … to save myself. Too late to save my daughter.
I will try to save my sons. I hope it is not too late for them.
Everyone is telling me how strong I am, but I feel like there is nothing left of me but a smear on the pavement. What strength? Where is it? I don’t see it.
Is there really hope somewhere? A little spark of hope?
I am hanging in there. Thank you. Please don’t let me fall. I am hanging my a mere thread today.
Hanging by a thread…I know that horrible feeling, that thread my friend is strong because it is tied to your sons who need you. Stay with this site, educate yourself and pray for sanity.
Sometimes I feel like I can’t do it anymore, and somehow, I find just enough reserve for the day,for the hour. Little healing steps at a time is where I am at. Your post as well about his denying intimacy, isn’t that sick? My S would do that to me, I WANTED him and he knew it so he would not give himself to me. They figure out what you want and DONT give it to you, sick bastards.
All of us here know the pain, please know you are in my thoughts and you are not alone.