UPDATED FOR 2023. I was sitting at my kitchen table one day during my marriage to the sociopath, James Montgomery. We were arguing — I don’t remember what about; we argued a lot. All of a sudden, Montgomery accused me of sleeping with another man.
I was shocked.
I had been friends with the man for about 15 years before I even met Montgomery. We were good friends. But that’s all — friends. Still, Montgomery raged at me, “I know you had sex with him.”
I denied this, vociferously. Montgomery kept accusing — but eventually backed down.
The accusation came out of thin air. I hadn’t even seen my friend in months. So why did Montgomery do this?
Sociopaths assume everyone cheats
First of all, most sociopaths cheat. I would say that all sociopaths cheat, but a few people have told me that the sociopaths they were with did not cheat. Maybe it’s true, or maybe those sociopaths were just really good at hiding it.
Anyway, sociopaths cannot love. They do not feel empathy, loyalty or remorse. But they want sex — lots of sex, with lots of variety. So even when they have a partner, sociopaths cheat, without any qualms. And since they cheat, they assume everybody else cheats also.
Asserting control
But that’s not the prime reason why Montgomery accused me of sleeping with my friend. His true purpose was to assert control over me.
Had I admitted to sex with this man, Montgomery would have held it over me forever. He would have used it to prove my unworthiness and besmirch my character.
Read more: The silent treatment and sociopaths — it’s all about control
And this accusation would have been just the beginning. He would have accused me of other things as well, in an effort to tear me down mentally and emotionally. His objective? To make me more controllable.
Isolation
A sociopath may rage that you’re cheating with your co-workers, neighbors, parents from your kids’ sports teams. Even if you’re totally innocent, and you’ve never even spoken to any of these people, the tirades may be almost unbearable.
So what do you do? You may try to avoid the sociopath’s rage by making sure that you don’t give him or her any reason to make the wild accusations. You don’t talk to anyone at work. You limit contact with your neighbors or other parents.
In other words, you isolate yourself — and isolation places you further under the sociopath’s control.
Warning sign
So if a partner who exhibits sociopathic traits unjustifiably accuses you of cheating, recognize the accusation for what it is — a tactic for asserting control over you. It’s a warning sign that you should get out of the relationship as soon as you can.
Do not admit to cheating that you didn’t do, just to get the sociopath to stop raging.
In fact, don’t admit to cheating even if you did do it. Any admission of guilt will make the sociopath ratchet up the abuse exponentially and could make escaping the relationship more difficult.
Learn more: Lovefraud Understanding and Recovery 5-part Masterclass
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Jan. 18, 2016.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: My ex-wife, the sociopath
I always accused my ex of cheating on me. He went around telling everyone that I was some kind of crazy, jealous, possessive bitch. Turns out he WAS cheating on me…. Crazy, possessive, jealous bitch? Yeah? How about YOU? You lying, cheating, theiving con artist BASTARD! May God have mercy on your soul. Cuz you’re in for it! SUCKS TO BE YOU!
I have been trying to break away from my sociopath boyfriend for over a year. In March it will be three years of dealing with his manipulating behavior. He started accusing me of cheating on him three months into the relationship.I should have left then. His charm and sweetness convinced me to overlook so many things. I am finally realizing how fake he is . Everything he tries to make me out to be is who he is. A liar, cheater and a taker who lacks appreciation and has no respect. I caught him “red handed” with another woman. She claims they were together for six months. He denies it and says it was a one night stand and the biggest mistake he has ever made in his life. To this day i have been totally faithful. We live 37 miles apart. We don’t see each other as frequent as we did prior to his “cheating”. I know with his sex drive that he has other women or maybe one specific one that he is screwing. I am struggling with eliminating him from my life. I am seeking professional help and hope websites like this one will help me with my struggles
Hi Constance247, Im glad that you shared your post tonight. It’s very hard to leave a sociopath…they are so masterful at manipulating their target victims back into the relationship with love bombing, intimidation pity play etc.
I think that most important thing is that you are reaching out for help. I would highly recommend that you call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE and look at their site. They have wonderful counselors on the other end of the hotline for you to talk with and they can give you your local abuse center numbers so that you can go talk with a free counselor at their center and attend women group meetings that will help you leave your abuser.
Also talking with someone like Donna Anderson here at Love Fraud through her life coach program will help you also. She charges a small fee but will be will worth every penny. She has not only lived through the hell herself but out of her darkness she created this wonderful site. If you go up to the top and click on the “contact” tab you can find her info.
Donna Anderson also just posted today a post from the author of “The Five Step Exit—The skills you need to leave a narcissist, psychopath or other toxic partner and recover your happiness now.” I personally have not read the book but I looks very well written and looks like it has fantastic info for you to escape your sociopath.
Also google & do a search here on love fraud for the following:
1) No contact rule (also google those words with narcissist then with sociopath). To fully escape you have to impose the NO CONTACT RULE with a sociopath…if you dont they will continue to suck you back into their crazy hell of a life. No contact means cut all ties with the sociopath when you leave them…block them on social media, change your phone number, dont answer the door when they come to your home even calling the police to stop him from coming to your home.
2) Gas lighting abuse
Reach out to your most trusted family & friends and tell them what is really going on in your relationship and ask them also to look at love fraud so they fully are educated on how to help you.
YOU CAN GET OUT…IT’S A CHANGE IN YOUR MINDSET THAT WILL FINALLY BREAK YOU FREE. Keep reading everything up at the top of love fraud and watch the videos Donna Anderson has posted up there over and over. Read Donna’s books and also look at the book Women who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown this book my counselor gave me when I first left my ex.
You are making great steps seeking counseling coming here to LF & posting. Keep reaching out for help. Ask question here anytime you feel you need answers. We are here for you. Hugs to you tonight. Take care.
Thank you so much for the most welcomed advice. Reading your reply brought tears to my eyes. Everything about this website and what is said is so “right on”. I am grateful to you all.
I am slowly working my way to reach out to my family starting with my older sister. She is the mediator. I am the baby sister, she is the middle and then there is my big sister who is the oldest. I don’t know where to begin. They think he has been out of my life since last February. I am sure they suspect otherwise. Everyone in my family hate him with a passion. I have disappointed them in more ways then one. He destroyed who I am. I was the strong, level headed , career woman who could survive in the jungle. He took that from me.
Today he continued to contact me via the web cam. I am in the process of getting a new phone . Once it comes in the mail I will not give him the number. I will then block him from the social media’s that he contacts me through. However, today he told me not to ever block him. He took up all my time talking nonsense.
This week he wants to inform me of everything he is doing. Last week he was unavailable the majority of the time. It’s all bullshit. We all know he is with other women. I have that woman’s intuition and it never fails me.
It is time for me to put in full force the “NO CONTACT RULE”. I just need to line everything up in order to protect myself and my family.
I feel so relieved blogging my situation. It helps tremendously. Finally other people who know what I am experiencing.
Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart.
Hi Constance247, HUGS TO YOU!! :-). I am sorry that you are going though this nightmare right now. But you WILL be the person you were before!! You will be strong again!!
We have all been exactly where you are now…emotionally, mentally, physically. And it does get better…you will once again see the light at the end of the tunnel!!
Once your family is educated on sites like Lovefraud and also another psychopathyawareness. wordpress. com they will understand why it is not easy to leave a sociopath. So show your sister(s) this site.
PLEASE dont feel like you can’t depend on your family..this is exactly what sociopaths want and do…they intentional isolate the vicim from their family & friends so they have complete control over the target vicim. My ex husband did the exact same I felt soooo alone…I felt like I could not tell anyone. IT was all brain washing by my ex!! Just like your bf is doing to you!! Once I escaped I was able to share my story with my family but before that time I felt like I could not because my ex h had me trained to never tell a sole what was going on behind closed doors.
ALL sociopath are CULT LEADERS!! Remember this!! They all control their target victims with brain washing, mind control, gas lighting abuse, reward & punishment, fear & intimidation, manipulation, pathological lying etc etc….it does not matter if the are a Sociopath Cult leader with one follower = domestic abuse vicim or a Sociopath cult leader like Hilter who had millions of followers.
**********************************************************************************************
YOUR BOYFRIEND IS A CULT LEADER AND YOU ARE A CULT FOLLOWER.
So like a cult victim you have to open up your mind back to your thinking before your bf stepped foot into your life.
************************************************************************************************
Your bf is attempting to brain wash you right now by telling you “not to block him”…WHO THE HELL CARES WHAT HE WANTS!! THIS IS THE TIME FOR YOU!!
He has not been good to you…how do I know this? Because you have found your way to Love Fraud!
Right now it is about YOU…not about your soon to be ex bf!! Remember that PUT YOURSELF FIRST STARTING RIGHT NOW!!
How do you break free mentally from your cult leader bf?
YOU educate yourself by reading everything up at the top of this site & watch the videos too over and over then related them to your current relationship. Also by seeking a counselor who is highly knowledgeable with narcissist/sociopath abuse. Not all counselors are educate in this area. Reading books on the subject (your local library may have some) and also reaching out to someone like Donna Anderson and by asking question or just venting your feeling here or other sites too.
the NO CONTACT RULE IS THE ONLY TRUE WAY TO SET YOU FREE FROM YOUR ABUSER!!
It’s not easy at first because the sociopath has created a addiction with you..just like a food addiction/drug/alcohol but the longer you have no contact intact your mind will start to clear from all the brain fog he has you under.
I know it feels like you will never get your life back but I can promise you YOU WILL GET YOUR LIFE BACK…your heart will mend. Im so glad you reached out tonight and so glad that you have opened up.
WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!
HUGE HUGS TO YOU!!♥ï¸
Is it possible that your bf has put some type of spyware on your computer? If so have a computer company clear your computer or buy a new one.
constance247, google “Domestic abuse exit plan”, “domestic abuse exit plan you tube” and “exit plan Dr Phil”.
Talk with your local abuse center about an exit plan too as well as the hotline. The most dangerous time for a victim of abuse is when she is either leaving or has left.
Look into a security system for your home either through a company that installs one and has months fees or one you can buy at say Home Depot or Lowes (USA) hardware store. These type do not have a monthly fee and are very easy to install & work on batteries vs hard wire. They start about $15 per door or a full package for around $100. You can look on their website for more info.
Constance-
It’s not unusual for victims to try to hide their relationship from the people around them. Our connections with sociopaths are bewildering and embarrassing, even to us. Unfortunately, doing so makes us feel unloved and isolated from our supports.
We remain in toxic relationships because we’re literally addicted to the object of our affection through our brain chemistry, which is an extremely compelling force. Mother Nature designed it to keep us coupled in order to raise our offspring, and there is no instant reject button or magic pill that we can take to terminate its control…. not even when our common sense tells us we should be making a bee-line for the exit door.
It would be a good idea for you to read up about the #brainchemistry of romance, and perhaps you can convince your sisters to do so too, so they can understand why you may have been less than truthful to them about your ongoing attachment.
Through “No Contact,” the brain chemistry that coupled you will begin to fade. It’s very important that you continue. A slip will put you in a position where you can be fooled or manipulated again. Until you put yourself in a position of “No Contact,” he will do everything possible to keep you under his spell.
Once you’re apart, you’ll be able to feel much better about yourself again, with none of the negative impacts you’ve had to face. They’ll be in the rear-view mirror. You are not what happened to you. You are you.
You are to be congratulated for figuring him out. Now you have to do what you have to do!
All the best-
Joyce
PS Constance247 BEILIEV ETHE OTHER WOMAN WHO SAYS SHE HAS BEEN WITH HIM FOR 60 MONTHS….she IS telling you the truth if you are willing to hear it.
My ex h lied about EVERYTHING to my face!! He lied he triangulated me against his mistresses then he smeared their name then finally when I escaped he smeared my good name. This is what they do…they are pathological liars!!
Google:
1) sociopath triangulation and narcissist triangulation
2) sociopath smear campaign and narcissist smear campaign
3) pathological liar
Educating yourself on your sociopath bf will open you mind up to all of his mental games he has played on you and all the women he has cheated with. DO NOT FOCUS ON THE OTHER WOMEN he is cheating with…they too are victims of this sociopath…instead watch is actions and DONT LISTEN TO HIS WORDS…his words will always be full of lies and deceit.
Jan7
One more thing to clarify it was 6 months, not 60 months. Trust me when I say I know for a fact it was for 6 months. He will deny it and take it to the grave. I am not as stupid as he would like me to be. Then again, I ask myself why I struggle getting him out of my life.
Thanks again.
6 months vs 60 months oops that was my typo error. sorry.
When I finally escaped I sat down with a counselor and told her that I thought my h had cheated on me 7 to 12 times during our marriage…she told me that it was more like 3 to 4 times that amount. I know she is correct.
I have read that sociopaths will endless affairs and are sex addicts.
You state: “Then again, I ask myself why I struggle getting him out of my life.”…
Why because he has twisted up your mind but you are going to unravel everything he has programed into your mind and you will return to your old mindset. Get your old child hood photo albums out and look at the picture & remember how you felt during each picture & swap stories with your sisters about your childhood. Return to your old schools to shift your mindset back to your old thinking. IT all does help.
Jan7
Day one of no contact. I was out last night at my sisters. I didn’t get home until 2am. I ignored his text messages the entire time I was at my sisters. After getting home I read the first text he sent.
“Unless I hear from you I won’t text or call again. Here I am letting you know my every move in advance and you can’t or don’t appreciate it. Typical”
My mistake responding to his crap. So it went on for about an hour texting back and forth. Then he starts calling. I finally answered after receiving a text that read like this
‘ PICK UP THE F%&^%#^ PHONE”
It was video call but he was in the complete dark. I could not see him. I simply told him that I though he said he was never going to call me again.
I finally disconnected and BLOCKED HIM. Yes, blocked him. His last text read “YOU’RE BLOCKING ME NOW, F#%& YOU CONSTANCE Just dont call me no more i dont have time for kid shit your games or bullshit this has nothing to do with anyone but you”
Thanks to you and this website and educating myself I am standing back up. I’m a little paranoid but will call 911 if I hear any noise outside my window.
The nerve of this guy to blame me for this crap. He plays games, lies, manipulates, and it makes me sick. He has physically abused me on more than occasion. He broke my left wrist last year in February. It has just recently healed to a point where I can use it without pain.
So much more about my misery but i want to focus and make it to day two.
Thank you thank you
constance247, ((Hugs)) I am so sorry you are going through this, you DESERVE so much more. Woohoo, Huge congrats on getting through your first day of no contact, here is to MANY more!
Stay strong. Sending you strength, peace & blessings.
Dragon
You can do this. No Contact is really the only way to reclaim your life. Don’t let him suck you back in. He will probably try everything from anger to love bombing to get you wiggling on his hook.
IGNORE HIM.
If it takes 100 tries to get you to respond, next time he will keep on for 200 tries. Don’t respond. Don’t try to make him understand what he did to you because HE DOESN’T CARE. He only cares about making you dance to his tune and he will say or do anything to lure you back in.
Stay strong. YOU CAN DO IT!
My abused was a politician. Everyone knows him. I thought everyone loved him. Then his term ended and employees who were previously afraid that he would retaliate came forward. Your story is mine. Years of denial. Him denying anything and doing crazy making behaviors and me denying that my intuition was worth valuing.
Abuser
Fever Peach – welcome to Lovefraud. I am so sorry for your experience. I hope the stories on Lovefraud help you understand and recover from the experience.
I was routinely accused of cheating on Fran, and
never did except once out of anger for her abuse. I belonged to a religious order and spent every Dec. there to run a choose-and cut Christmas tree farm we ran. She accused me of going there so I could go to town and have affairs. (???)When I left for the month I heard from a concerned neighbor that she was bringing in to our apt. not one but several men for group sex. Sadly this was true. I confronted her about it and she of course denied such a thing would happen. Once she was so sure I did that she withheld all sex as “punishment” for my actions, not to mention other abuses. I was in AA and a woman was chasing me for sex. Once and a while this would happen but I always declined. Not this time, I did and did not find it justifiable at all. I never told her as this would be sheer disaster. This female could be really cruel. She contracted cancer & died 13 months later,and a very concerned psychologist pointed out to me she was a sociopath. The AA woman’s sex was lousy and I felt manipulated into making this kind of a foolish decision. Thanks Donna and sharing your experience strength & hope. I learned quite alot since she died. Not the first time I had a woman like this but hopefully THE LAST. Knowladge certainly is power.
Dennis
justifyable at all.
Dennis
Not only do I hear you, but I feel you. It’s pathetic the way they take sex so lightly. My SP had a six month fling (the one I am sure of) and most likely a bunch of flings and he never used a condom. Ever since then I have a difficult time having sex with him. It makes me sick. He continues to say that what we have is between us and he could never do it with anyone else. Blah blah blah. I have a doctor appointment next week. I told him if i have any disease he will be responsible for it. He tells me that I am the one who would give him something if anything.
Sick isn’t it?
I wish you the best in your venture for a lifetime partner. I am struggling getting out of this crazy so called relationship. I can’t even begin to think about dating anyone in the near future. Wishing you wellness and peace.
Sincerely
Constance247
By the way Dennis. I just uncovered his hidden profile on some website called Cheeky Dates. It’s full of woman and man half naked looking for sex. I could not believe his photos. He actually exposed his private part. I was appalled. When confronted he said he did it on accident. Then he said he did it to get back at me. Then he said he never responded to the messages sent by them women. Ugh.
Take care.
Thanks for your concern. Healing from this whole thing and learning as much about spaths as I can as this was the second marriage and the first was similiar, I must be a target for them. Not any more. Knowledge is power.
I can tell you one thing she left me, a real problem with trusting someone else. I suppose I’ll have to get help with that as the alternative is just stay away from any relationships, right now that is ok but who knows it will work on a permanent basis.
Day 2 No Contact
Thank you all for your most welcomed input. Trust me when I say I take it to heart and have been reading every piece of literature regarding sociopath’s . This is not my first time looking into the solution to my problem. I started researching within the first six months of my “so-called” relationship.
I was actually paying his phone bill when we first hooked up. He was to give me the $45 each month. To this day I haven’t seen a penny. However, after the fourth or fifth month I dropped it off my bill. It wasn’t because he didn’t pay for it. I am a giving person, I have no problem dishing out my money. But I discovered his bill was full of text messages to so many numbers “incoming”, “outgoing”. Twitter, phone calls with apps that hide numbers. Page after page. Being the detective I am i called each number. I wasn’t a total success but I knew he was “sexting” on a regular basis. And yes, i let it go. Why? I don’t know. My two previous relationships were based on equality. I would never tolerate such behavior. I don’t understand . To this day the cheating pig denies that those numbers were his. He accuses me staying those calls are mine. He claims I know how to channel them through his phone line. Wow I must a top notch high tech expert if I can do that! OMG!
I have lost who I am. During the past six months I have been stuck. Today I feel a sense of relief and freedom. My sis and I did some shopping this evening and had some good laughs.
TRUST in my eyes is a “given’. I trust most people from the start until they give me no reason to trust. I have known for a long time he is a liar and he lacks integrity. His charm and wit had a hold on me. That allowed me to overlook his flaws. When I caught him with another woman I forgave him. What the hell was wrong with me?
I have a lot of single male friends that I socialize thru social media. I recently posted my single status . I have been asked out by at least three of my male friends. Keep in mind these men are people I have either went to high school with or just old friends from the neighborhood. I am not ready to date. It’s not that I do not trust these guys, I know them. However I don’t feel like I would be good company. It’s too soon and I am not in a good place. I know that this will pass and the “no contact” has been my savior. However I do have faith in a power greater than me that I choose to call God.
I am sure I will have other issues to deal with. Right now as i sit here i keep looking out my window. It frightens me that he has made no attempt (as far as I am aware of) to contact me. But then again, I can guarantee he is with another woman (bless her soul) doing his fake ass romance number on her. Not my problem but then again I feel responsible for this evil bastard. And it angers me that this creep used me by manipulation. He took my “kindness” for “weakness”, When I think of all the things he has done to pursue me and keep me in his game it makes me sick. Then the thoughts of “revenge” “hurt” and “guilt” come into my head and I get so messed up, mixed up, jacked up, fed up.
BUT IT IS DAY TWO AND I AM SHOOTING FOR THREE IN A ROW. THANKS FOR ALL THE SUPPORT . YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I NEED THIS.
“Love and Happiness”
Sincerely~
It appears to me also that spaths screw up your ability to have another relationship. Only counseling & time will solve that. My spath had the same patterns yours did, always making me the bad guy. With me no contact is easy of course. Thanks for sharing your experiences with me. Constance.
Congratulations on making it to day 2!
Don’t worry about not wanting to jump straight into another relationship. Take time for yourself, it is not as bad as our society makes it out to be. It is a necessary thing for our own personal well-being, to heal the wounds we suffer at the hands of a SP.
Eventually you will stop thinking about where he is and what he is doing. Keep up with the No Contact! You can do it!
Having been educated about the “menu” of tactics the SP offers thankfully to this site, I can attest to the same as similar to the author’s experience. Although we were not married, we cohabited along with our respective children from previous marriages together in a property we both had title to, and for which I own free and clear thankfully to a court decision in my favor. Prior to the demise of relationship I was also accused in the same manner,however the “other” man happened to be my ex-husband and father of my children as was his allegation….an illustration I hope will help others to be alert as in the effort to project their con games and charades on the victim.
Hi I just wanted to share my story. I hope someone still updates this thread. lol Well anyway I met this girl online and she was really wonderful when we first met. Three months into the relationship she started accusing me of cheating on her. I have never cheated on her to this day but still routinely get accused of it. Her x husband cheated on her most of their marriage. Now I think she thinks I am him.?? The only thing I do that might make her suspicious is that I am a people watcher. I watch everyone girls and guys but she only notices when I look at a girl I cant ever glance their way when she is with me or I get accused ” Oh do you like her” is the question I get most of the time. I don’t know what to do. I try not to look at anyone when im with her but thats impossible. We have been together for 2 years and are about to be married next month but now im starting to wonder if thats a good idea. The more I read about this the more im wondering if I should cut and run… Please help!
Are there other problems or red flags besides her extreme insecurity? Do you think she is trying to control you, cause you stress, or create an argument, when she accuses you of cheating? Do you feel like she is genuinely worried you are cheating or that you will cheat, and accusing you is her way of expressing her insecurities?
You might consider taking inventory of all aspects of the relationship, maybe make a pro and con list. It could be that her accusations are a red flag of a disordered person. It could also be that she is extremely insecure and paranoid because the dishonest behavior of her x husband adversely affected her thinking. If so, a good counselor could help her learn to communicate her anxiety in a non accusing more positive way and help her overcome her anxieties. Couples counseling could also help you learn the best things to do and say to help her understand that you’re committed to honesty and that you are not and will not cheat on her.
It’s possible that her anxieties may improve if she is insecure due to adverse experience. If she is disordered no amount of counseling and nothing you can do will help.
My ex psychopath accused me of cheating with a former colleague whom he’d never met but had heard me mention his name. As a matter of fact, shortly after psychopath and I ‘married’ I attended my colleague’s funeral when he passed after a long battle with cancer.
When psychopath accused me of cheating with deceased former colleague, I was upset, tried to defend myself, etc. but also managed to remind spath that former colleague was dead. Without missing a beat, spath said, “I think you spent the night with someone like (former colleague.)” At the time I missed the LOL humor in spath’s inept blunder, and went right on trying to defend myself, etc. It worked for spath as it took the focus off the issue I brought up which was the argument, abuse and bullying he created the day before which forced me out of the (my) house. I now recognize that Spath had probably spent the night cheating himself or at least doing (child) porn on the internet.
My boyfriend, the father of my child, has on more than one occasion accused me of cheating. He will go into my computer when I’m not home (I generally don’t shut down my computer because it’s my home computer-plus the one time I did it, he accused me of hiding something), and search through it as well as get on to my FB page and messenger to see who I’ve been talking to.
When he couldn’t find anything incriminating (because I’m not doing anything inappropriate), he still accuses me of doing something.
Now he’s accusing me of being on social media too much and I MUST be talking to ‘all of these men’.
I’m tired of being accused of doing something I haven’t even done, and I haven’t even thought about doing. I have an old FB account I don’t even use anymore. I opened a new account a couple of years ago, just because too many people on my old account were airing out their dirty laundry all the time and I got tired of seeing it. So instead of deleting those people-which I thought would cause more drama-I stopped using that one and opened a new one without adding those specific people.
I haven’t shut down the old one simply because I haven’t saved 10 years of photos uploaded there to my computer. I keep forgetting as it’s ‘out of sight out of mind’.
I’ve even explained this to him when he asked me why I have 2 FB pages. He doesn’t believe me and wants my passwords so he can prove I’m doing something behind his back.
I’ve never given him a reason to think this way.
I know what I should do, but at the same time, because we have a child together I’m trying to force this to work.
I guess I would just like some reassurance that leaving is best for me and my son. The ‘control’ has spilled over into how to raise our son as well. He contradicts literally every single thing I say or do in regards to our son. It’s all infuriating and exhausting.
I endured this behavior for much longer than was necessary. The author is absolutely correct – they accuse you of lying/cheating in order to establish control. My ex carefully crafted an elaborate story (which was 100% false) in order to gain control and ownership. He claimed to have received an anonymous message warning him about me – “watch your girl, she’s a ho, I watch her on her balcony, she has dudes over every night”. Then claimed to have a friend who could pull any and all of my social media account activity. So he lied about that in order to get me to “fess up” – and then demanded to look through my phone, computer, bank statements, everything – because I therefore “lied” about my interactions. Totally harmless conversation with male friends of 10+ years, were now “evidence of cheating” – because I did not disclose it before he looked through everything.
I never gave any reason for him to distrust or doubt me. He was making himself available to flirtation and advancements from other women, so he projected all of that onto me. Calling me a “lying cheating person” (which is absolutely ridiculous, how could I possibly cheat if he made sure I could not even go to take a shit without him knowing my every move). That’s how little he valued my personal space and privacy.
Never, ever ignore your gut. These people are sick. It is not normal to desire control over another human being, and to go to the lengths to grab said control, is worth a fucking case study.
In addition to all the constant false accusations of lying and cheating, he made me so scared to talk to anybody to the point I deleted all my social media accounts. But even that didn’t satisfy his “suspicions”, because then he would just accuse me of secretly talking to other dudes and then deleting the messages after. I could never win his games. He would always find some way to flip things around on me, and force me in a defensive position. And when I called out his bullshit of being able to “hack” my phones and social accounts, bc he’d see no activity to accuse me with, he still flipped that around. It’s nothing more than psychological torture.