When I first became exposed to the term “co-parenting”, I remember having a visceral reaction. I was sitting in the three hour court mandated co-parenting class, breaking into a sweat, and having what felt like a full on panic attack as the woman leading the class showed slides of “parenting schedules.” ‘How in hell was I going to co-parent with a man who was capable of such terrible things,’ I thought as I tried to get myself under enough control to not look like a crazy woman. At the beginning of the class, the leaders made a point to tell everyone to disregard most of what was being said if you were in a situation with abuse/domestic violence.
For some reason, this statement made me feel worse because I knew that somehow the courts were not going to treat my case the same as a cookie cutter domestic violence case (as if there ever is one). I knew how good Luc was at playing in that “grey area” of criminality and how adept at making himself look like the victim he was. That panic that I felt throughout the entire three hours of that class only seemed to get worse as the months passed. While I don’t break out into sweats and actively panic every single time I drop my son off, I never feel at ease because I know his father is damaging. The point of co-parenting is to allow the child to have a healthy relationship with both parents even if the parents are no longer together. My motherly instincts will not allow me to trust that baby boy is ever going to be able to have a healthy relationship with his father because his father is not healthy.
One of my coworkers wrote on the white board at her desk the phrase, “Crazy people make sane people crazy.” Most people who have never had the misfortune of co-parenting with a sociopath (if that is even what you would call this) might think that the below story sounds a little crazy. Honestly, I feel a little crazy sometimes whenever I try and get in Luc’s head and proactively prepare for his next crazy stunt. You tell me, is this crazy? Or is this just a reaction to the insanity of being forced to co-parent with a sociopath?
The Headless Bear
When a person creates an environment of distrust, it makes you question everything. Since the beginning of this nightmare (i.e. the existence of Luc in my life), I have been lied to on a regular basis by this man. Many of the lies have put both me and my family in harms way. Every time I think that things have calmed down, the man pulls another crazy move that I didn’t anticipate.
These crazy moves have left me attempting to anticipate the lies and deception before they happen. Please note, this is not easy as sometimes it makes you feel like you are going down the rabbit hole of crazy.
For my son’s first birthday, Luc bought him a build-a-bear. This was the very first thing that Luc had ever gotten the baby so as you can imagine I was a bit skeptical of this furry creature. Part of me thought, ‘come on cappuccino queen, it’s just a bear’ but then the other voice (the skeptic) said, ‘wait a second…he never does anything just because he is trying to be nice.’
While my first instinct was to tear the bear apart with my teeth and throw it in the mall trashcan, I decided I would do the more sane thing and ask my mother and aunts (who were standing right next to me when I first saw it) what they thought. This is when I realized how truly traumatized my entire family had been. One of my aunts said (before I even told them how I was feeling), “you better check that and make sure he didn’t bug it.” The other said, “It’s too risky, just throw it out – don’t even let it in the car.” I shook my head, threw the bear back in the box and took my son home.
I thought about the stupid bear the whole ride home. I also thought about how throwing it out wasn’t the answer as this could be the ONLY thing my son would ever get from his father (I suspect it was purchased in order to look good in front of the court ordered supervisor who would be testifying in court the next day). That being said, I still didn’t trust the bear. That night the bear spent the night in the garage.
The next morning, I walked downstairs (having dreamed about that stupid bear) and low and behold my mom was awake and didn’t waste any time to ask me what I had decided to do with the bear. I told her that we were being paranoid and that there was nothing wrong with the bear.
On the drive to work, I couldn’t stop trying to figure out if there was more to this bear thing. This is a man who has been lying and terrorizing since he met me. A bear couldn’t JUST be a bear. Once I got to work, I brought up the bear to my coworkers. Some of the more paranoid ones were all for the idea of cutting the bear open and making sure it wasn’t bugged.
Eventually, I allowed my mom to check for a bug. She cut the bears head off and pulled out all the stuffing. Of course, there was nothing there. It was JUST a bear filled with stuffing and a fake heart. (A lot like Luc himself actually) I felt terrible – and a little crazy. My mom told me I shouldn’t feel bad and that the bear was a “casualty of war.”
Yes, one could say it was JUST a bear – but it was more than that symbolically. That bear became a symbol of the environment of distrust. It also made it very obvious to me that co-parenting would be impossible. I have a lot of work to do on myself to get to the point where the little things don’t bother me. I also need to get to the point where I can safely stop anticipating his next crazy move.
Cappuccino Queen – this is such a good illustration of how everything gets twisted when we’re involved with a sociopath. We know we can’t trust anything, which leads to paranoia – justifiable paranoia. Then, on the occasions when we were paranoid for no reason, we feel like we’re losing it.
And to them, it’s all part of the game.
CappuccinoQueen, what a courageous article – thank you for being so open and honest about your experiences.
My counseling therapist gave me a load of good information and observations, and one of the ones that I still struggle with, today, is my need to “predict” outcomes of all of these situations. Because of the crazymaking, gaslighting, and inability to be validated, I am forever attempting to predict that this situation is going to end badly, and that situation is going to end badly. Well, sometimes they do, and sometimes they don’t. But, it’s a condition that nearly all survivors of abuse and socipathic entanglements experience, and it takes a lot of hard work and time to teach ourselves otherwise.
Paranoid? Oh, you bet! I actually had a friend tell me, yesterday, that I need to work on my paranoia. Everyone is going to harm me. Everyone has an agenda. Particularly with my current situation, even people that I believed were trustworthy have “proven” that I can trust no one. Well, it may “feel” that everyone is going to harm me, has an agenda, and is untrustworthy, but that’s just a “feeling” and not a fact.
If the exspath had any idea of these issues that he helped to create, it would be an almost sexual reaction for him.
Brightest blessings CappuccinoQueen
Capqueen~ I can so relate to your article. Whenever the xspath buys something for my son, like new shoes or a backpack, they stay in the garage. I remember thinking how crazy that must look to someone on the outside.
Am always trying to keep my paranoia in check. It is so difficult to try and predict what their motives are because we know that there is ALWAYS a motive behind what they do.
Thank you for writing this, it is very validating.
Thank you all for your comments. I am glad I am not the only person who feels paranoia. For now, I have embraced the paranoia, however, because it makes me feel like I am protecting myself and keeping my guard up.
Dealing with a sociopath forces you to grow claws in order to protect yourself to the best extent possible.
Truthspeak, you are correct that if he knew how much paranoia he causes me…he would probably get a huge thrill out of it. I think that is why NO CONTACT is so important like Donna has said on many occasions. With no contact, he can only imagine how I am feeling because he has no real evidence to go on. Even though I feel completely terrorized by the courts, at least the judge was smart enough to ensure that (at least for now) he doesn’t have any access to ME. This will be another test at how he is able to get excitement once he no longer gets the validation through court of how I am feeling.
AnnieO, I laughed out loud when I had a visual of your garage filled with stuff from your ex. I am right there with you sista. I might have to buy a shed if he keeps this up. When baby boy is old enough (God forbid if he is not in jail by then), I might start suggesting that he keep things his father gets him at his fathers house. My guess is, however, now that he has nobody to impress with the gift (i.e. a supervisor who was to testify in court), the gifts will discontinue. That bear is the only thing he ever bought baby boy.
The incident with the shoes happened many years ago when my son was around one and a half years old. It would be years later that I stumbled upon the word psychopath and learned what I was dealing with.
At that time, I clearly remember pulling the shoes out of the garage after my son went to bed. I sat them on the counter and stared at them. (as if they were going to do something) I turned them over, looked inside and tried to figure out where a ‘bug’ might be placed in them. I clearly remember thinking to myself that I surely have lost my mind!
My gut was screaming that something was clearly wrong. The exspath NEVER did anything for no reason. I left the shoes on the counter but my nerves and anxiety were over the top. In the end I left them in the garage, every single day. Same thing with my son’s backpack.
As it turns out, I was contacted by an ex of xspath a few years later. She confirmed that he had indeed hired PI’s to spy on my house, follow me and even steal my trash. Everything my gut was saying to me was true.
If anything, this journey has taught me to trust my instincts. If it doesn’t feel right, it likely isn’t. The paranoia we feel does help keep us safe. It also can paralyze us with fear, and yes the spaths would revel in knowing they do that to us.
AnnieO…hahahahaha about the shoes. I laugh because this was totally how we felt about the stupid bear. It does make you feel crazy, but crazy is what we are dealing with.
I let my guard down a lot in the beginning and this is how I ended up falling for someone like this. Once I realized how bad he really was, I haven’t let my guard down ONCE when it comes to him.
I know he is scheming and plotting (even plotting to kill me I am sure). I know the bear thing was silly because clearly there was nothing in there…but I also know he doesn’t do anything without thinking of himself.
If my ex could afford a PI, I am sure he would have one. At this point, I wish he would because it would drain his resources and he wouldn’t learn anything other than how much I devote my life to my baby boy.
I am so happy to see that I am not alone. Not only do I believe that my ex-hubster has sociopathic tendencies. I also believe that his sister suffers from them as well.
I remember during the Holidays how my 50 yo ex told me that he’d gotten a 19yo girl with the same name as me pregnant, and would no longer be able to help me in raising our daughter, and that he was moving on. I went completely ballistic on him. I freaked out, and after our encounter he was laughing as he called me to see if I was ok, because he said I appeared to have lost my mind.
A few weeks after that his sister that I have never gotten along with. Text messaged me wishing me well during the Christmas season and wanted to come over to my home to drop off a gift for our 6year old daughter. I didn’t respond to her text until Christmas day and told her that our daughter had been well taken care of, and that her gifts were not needed.
I try not to feel so paranoid, but I am constantly looking over my shoulder for his next caper. He has stalked me for the entire duration of the divorce, and in the state where i live. He has the right to come over because our home was marital property. I went to work one morning a 6 am, and in less than 10 minutes he was knocking on the door at my job..wanting to talk to me.
I went to a gas station kind of out of the way of our normal routine, and there he was popping out asking to speak to me, yet my all time creepiest moment with him was when i was at a local super center chatting on the phone with a relative, updating her on my situation, and out he pops confessing his love for me, and telling me that he was sorry. He was supposed to be 10 hours away in his home state of VA. There are times when I feel like a sitting duck.
I installed alarms on my home and at my office, I am constantly alerting my friends and family as to my where-abouts. I live in a semi-red alert status, and no one will ever understand this…unless you’ve lived it.
Fortunately for me I was able to have his parenting time suspended indefinitely…he has to under go several steps in order to see our child. However this did not stop him from popping up at my home when he knew that I would not be there.
Coincidence I think NOT. The second week the new baby sitter was on the Job he shows up driving a different car, parked off on the side of the road, and slowly and suspiciously approaching our daughter.
Thank God as she puts it. “Freaked the freak out” and ran in the house and “locked the the locks extra hard”. I called him…he didn’t answer. I told him that he is never to show his face around our home with out clearing it with me.
I work less than 3 miles from my home. He knows when we come and go, and watches our every move, but I have yet to find his perch. A neighbor once told me that every morning when I would drive my daughter to school. He would show up and walk around our home….peeking into every window. I have lived like this for almost two years.
As a matter of fact just yesterday he sent me a text telling me how much he misses our daughter. With the help of my therapist (he specializes in dealing with narcissistic personalities) I have been able to establish strong boundaries for my ex, and cut him off at the path, somewhat. I never worry about hurting his feelings, I give him his crap right back served piping hot. Every few months he will make contact with me, and I will always remind him of his new love with the same name as mine ( I call her little Tiff), and their new bundle of joy…and that his energy should be focused on them, and not on us.
*Side note* about this girl and this baby…I think it was a story made completely up by him and that sister of his to get back at me, but for now I play along and constantly remind him of his new family and he hates when I do that.
I am constantly praying for my safety and the safety of our daughter. Thanks again for sharing your story. One of these days he will find someone else to torment, and will hopefully leave us alone.
TiffyP94, welcome to LoveFraud – I am horribly sorry for your experiences and relieved that you found your way to this site.
If you are not having to co-parent with the ex, then block all of his methods to communicate, if you can. Going “No Contact” would also require that you block his family contacts, mutual friends, his friends, etc. Block FaceBook, or other social site profiles, and in the same manner.
Sounds like he’s launching a stalking campaign, and the only thing that can be done, at this point, is to document, document, document. If he has threatened your life (directly, or indirectly), file for Oder of Protection, or Restraining Order. Yes, I know it’s only a piece of paper, but it could put him behind bars.
TiffyP94, stalking and harassment can cause untold emotional damages, and it might be a good option to consider some counseling to help you manage the anxiety and stress. It will also come in handy if this man finds himself in Court for stalking and terroristic threats.
My brightest and protective blessings to you
When a truly dysfunctional party is involved — or two, or a very hostile relationship — savvy psych evaluators and GAL’s are now advocating for “parallel parenting.”
For some couples who’ve split, coparenting is not possible. My situation is just that — one where coparenting was never going to work. We “parallel parent,” which means we do not communicate and have very minimal contact.
It’s not ideal for a child. But it’s better than the child experiencing volatility, hostility, animosity — or seeing all kinds of crazy that had the relationship end in the first place.
Here are a few articles on parallel parenting:
http://daytodaywoman.com/2011/02/09/parallel-parenting-the-phrase-that-saved-me/
http://www.mrcustodycoach.com/blog/custody-agreements-parallel-parenting-plan
While other lit seems to take the position that both parents are normal and healthy individuals at the very least it’s a good term to use and propose in courts.